With Harry Saxon's fanbase temporarily sated, Izzy felt relaxed enough to ask for requests. She quickly realised her mistake.
"Sherlock Holmes!" called out Romana, Nyssa and several others.
"But no nasty monsters," added Tegan.
"And no murders," Victoria said firmly.
"All right, that's enough," Izzy said, before anyone else could impose conditions. She leafed through the book, hoping that something would match the children's various demands.
Izzy / Narrator:
It was late June, 1902. Sherlock Holmes had received a letter...[221B Baker Street. The Tenth Doctor, as Watson, is sitting by the fire.]
Doctor:
I'm Watson? What is this book playing at? Who — oh no.[The Simm Master, as Sherlock Holmes, dances into the room, while his MP3 player blares out a cover version of 'What a Wonderful World' as performed by the Spice Girls. The Doctor claps his hands over his ears.]
Master [Narrowing his eyes suspiciously] :
Hang on a moment. I agreed to tell stories, not be in them. Who's narrating this?Izzy / Narrator:
Me. Izzy.Master:
No collaborators?Izzy / Narrator:
No, it's just me. And the storybook chose you — why would I try to force its hand?Master [grudgingly] :
Playing the hero. That it should come to this. I suppose I'd better get it over with.Izzy / Narrator:
Then turn your so-called music off and start playing the part of Holmes.[With a scowl, the Master does so.]
Master / Holmes:
There is a chance for you to make some money, friend Watson.Tenth / Watson [gloomily] :
Wasn't a year of this on the Valiant enough? Anyway, I'm not interested in money.Master / Holmes:
Have you ever heard the name of Garrideb?Tenth / Watson:
No.Master / Holmes:
Well, if you can find someone by that name, there's money in it for you.Tenth / Watson:
I'm still not interested in money.Izzy / Narrator:
If you don't start showing some enthusiasm for the part, Doctor, I'll let him turn you into a gnome again.Tenth / Watson:
All right, all right. [He puts on his glasses and flips through the telephone directory.] Here's one, Holmes.Master / Holmes:
'Garrideb, N. 136 Little Ryder Street.' No, he's the man who sent me the letter. We need another.Izzy / Narrator:
Mrs. Hudson came in with a card upon a tray.Evelyn / Mrs. Hudson:
Mr. John Garrideb to see you.Tenth / Watson:
Will he do?Master / Holmes:
No, he doesn't count either. Show him in, please.[Evelyn departs. There is a longish pause.]
Master:
What's keeping him?Tenth:
Casting?Master:
I'd have thought it was obvious. How many charming American con-artists are there in our series?Tenth:
Are we including the President you assassinated?[Evelyn returns, ushering in Morton Dill from 'The Chase'.]
Morton:
Howdy, y'all. Ah, you'll be Mr. Holmes. Y'all's pictures look quite like you, suh.[The Master gives him a long look, then pulls out his laser screwdriver and vapourises him.]
Izzy / Narrator:
Behave! Look, you've made little Victoria cry now.Master [unrepentantly] :
Sorry, miss, but it was a mercy killing.Izzy / Narrator:
I can see it's going to be one of those days. I'll confiscate that weapon for a start.[The laser screwdriver vanishes.]
Izzy / Narrator:
And we need another John Garrideb. Where's our favourite handsome yet somehow not completely trustworthy American trickster got to?[Evelyn shows in Henry van Statten.]
van Statten / John Garrideb:
Mr. Holmes? Ah, yes! Your pictures are not unlike you, sir, if I may say so.[The Master gives a tentative thumbs-up gesture.]
Master / Holmes:
Pray sit down. You are, of course, the John Garrideb mentioned in this document. But surely you have been in England some time?van Statten / John Garrideb [suspiciously] :
Why do you say that?Master / Holmes:
In my younger days I took quite an interest in tailoring. All your clothes are made in England.van Statten / John Garrideb [quite put out] :
Why don't you stop eyeing me up and get down to business?Master / Holmes:
Calm down, calm down. Have a jelly baby, and tell both of us what your problem is.van Statten / John Garrideb [glaring at the Doctor] :
Need he know?Master / Holmes:
We usually work together.Tenth / Watson:
More's the pity.van Statten / John Garrideb:
All right. If you came from Kansas I would not need to explain to you who Alexander Hamilton Garrideb was.[The Doctor and the Master look at each other, raise their eyebrows and mouth the word 'Kansas?']
van Statten / John Garrideb:
Anyway, he was an eccentric millionaire. And his will says that if we can get three adult men called Garrideb in a room together, they each stand to inherit five million dollars. I couldn't find anyone else with that name in the United States, so I came here and found this man in the telephone directory. But we need to find the third man.Master / Holmes:
I'd have thought you'd have put an advertisement in the papers.van Statten / John Garrideb:
I did. No replies.Master / Holmes:
Did you say you used to work in Topeka?Izzy / Narrator:
No, but he should have done.Master / Holmes:
I had a correspondent there — old Professor Tinky-Winky, who was mayor in 1890.van Statten / John Garrideb:
Um, yes, him. His, name is, er, still honoured. Well. I suppose all we can do is report to you and let you know how we get on.[He leaves. The Master pulls out a pipe, and starts blowing bubbles.]
Tenth / Watson:
Well?Master / Holmes:
Look, if you can't see that he's an obvious fraud, you're a bigger fool than I took you for.Tenth / Watson:
Takes one to know one.Izzy / Narrator:
I expect this sort of behaviour from the children, not the cast!Master / Holmes:
All right. Firstly he's been in England for much longer than he says. Secondly he never advertised in the papers, because I'd have seen it. And thirdly Tinky-Winky was actually the mayor of Wichita. Let's see if the other bloke's in on it as well. Ring him up, Watson.Tenth / Watson:
Yes, sir. [Salutes ironically.][He picks up the telephone.]
Tenth / Watson:
Hello? Get me Nathan Garrideb.Operator's voice [The T-Mat computer from 'Seeds Of Death']:
What-did-your-last-slave-die-of.Tenth / Watson:
Please?Operator's voice:
Putting-you-through-now.Tenth / Watson [aside] :
Can't get the staff these days.Operator's voice:
I-heard-that.[Various clicking noises.]
Distorted voice:
Nathan Garrideb here. Is Mr. Holmes there? I want to speak to Mr. Holmes.[The Master / Holmes takes the receiver from the Doctor / Watson.]
Master / Holmes:
Yes, he has been here. Can we come round and visit you this evening? And your namesake won't be there? Fine. See you then.[Little Ryder Street. The Master / Holmes arrives, cavorting around and singing along with Britney Spears to the strains of "La Donna e Mobile". Tenth / Watson follows at a distance, wearing an "I'm not with him" look.]
Master / Holmes:
♪ ... Chi le confida — mal cauto il cuore! Pur mai ♪ — oh, we're here.[He turns off the music.]
Master / Holmes:
Observe the brass plate with our client's name, Watson.Tenth / Watson:
It's been there some time, so —Master / Holmes [interrupting] :
So it's his real name. Good boy, have a bone.[They knock at the door. Davros / Nathan Garrideb lets them in to his ground-floor apartment.
The room is kitted out like a laboratory, full of unpleasant-looking experiments. In one corner stands a battered Dalek, switched off and with its plunger arm partly dismantled.]
Izzy / Narrator:
Davros? This isn't something to do with why you offered me those Dalek guards, is it?Davros:
I have only the story's best interests at heart, I assure you. I shall follow the script to the letter.Izzy / Narrator:
Hmmm.Davros / Nathan Garrideb:
You see around me my little interests in life. Here a lethal strain of virus, there a prototype system for mental projection and control. My doctor lectures me about not getting out in the fresh air, but why should I?Master / Holmes:
Do you mean to tell me you never go out?Davros / Nathan Garrideb:
Hardly ever. If I need anything I send Beatrice for it. [He indicates the Dalek.]Master / Holmes:
Then why do you want this estate in America?Davros / Nathan Garrideb:
I don't. But the other gentleman has promised to buy me out, and then I will have five million dollars. [His voice becomes more Daleky]. And with that money I shall construct an army of Daleks! And I! Davros! Shall! Be! Their! Leader!Master / Holmes:
He's a loony.Tenth / Watson:
You're a fine one to talk.Master / Holmes:
Now, about this American. Has he ever asked you for money?Davros / Nathan Garrideb:
No.Master / Holmes:
Do you have anything valuable here that might get stolen?Davros / Nathan Garrideb:
Oh no. All this is of purely scientific interest. And I pity anyone who tries to steal my giant clams.[The Master / Holmes and Ten / Watson look down at their feet in alarm.]
Master / Holmes:
How long have you lived here?Davros / Nathan Garrideb:
Nearly five years.[van Statten / John Garrideb enters.]
van Statten / John Garrideb:
I've found our third man! [He waves a newspaper. The Master / Holmes takes it and hands it to Ten / Watson.]Master / Holmes:
You. Read it.Tenth / Watson [with a sigh] :
"Howard Garrideb, constructor of agricultural machinery, binders, reapers, steam and hand plows, drills, harrows, farmer's carts, buckboards, and all other appliances. Estimates for Artesian Wells. Apply Grosvenor Buildings, Aston."Davros / Nathan Garrideb:
Excellent.van Statten / John Garrideb:
I've made an appointment for you to see him tomorrow afternoon at four.Davros / Nathan Garrideb:
You want me to go and see him?van Statten / John Garrideb:
Who's he more likely to believe? Me or you?Master / Holmes:
That's like asking whether you'd rather trust the Gelth or the Axons.Davros / Nathan Garrideb:
If the script demands that I go, then of course I will.van Statten / John Garrideb:
Take the twelve o'clock train tomorrow, and you should be back later that evening. See you later.[He departs.]
Master / Holmes:
I've got to be on my way too. But some of these experiments are really very interesting. Is it all right if I come in tomorrow afternoon while you're out and take a look at them?Tenth / Watson [sotto voce] :
The Master with a mind controller. That's all we need.Davros / Nathan Garrideb:
You are most welcome. The place will, of course, be shut up, but I can lend you a key and let Beatrice know you'll be around.Master / Holmes:
Fine. Who's your house-agent, by the way?Davros / Nathan Garrideb:
Holloway and Steele. Why?Master / Holmes:
I was wondering how old this building was, that's all. Goodbye, Mr. Garrideb.[The Master / Holmes and the Doctor / Watson leave.]
Izzy / Narrator:
They called in at the house-agent's, but it was closed.[Back at 221B Baker Street, evening.]
Master / Holmes:
So no doubt you've outlined the solution in what you're pleased to call your own mind.Tenth / Watson:
Nope. Haven't a clue.Master / Holmes:
Did you at least notice anything funny about the advertisement?Tenth / Watson:
I don't call Grosvenor Buildings, Aston much of a punchline.Master / Holmes:
Not funny ha-ha, funny weird. Like this [he pulls a face] rather than like this [he pulls another face]. Try to keep up, Watson.Tenth / Watson:
Well, the word 'plough' was misspelt.Master / Holmes:
It was spelt the American way. The same goes for the buckboards and the artesian wells. So, you deduce...Tenth / Watson:
The American put it in. I wonder why. I'd have thought if he did have a business selling dubious farm machinery he'd have used a different surname.Master / Holmes [putting his head in his hands] :
Don't overdo the 'thick sidekick' act, will you? See if you can work it out by tomorrow.[He turns out the light.]
[221B again, midday. The Master / Holmes boogies in, to a disco/synth mangling of 'Yellow Submarine'.]
Master / Holmes:
Right. I visited the estate agent, and then I went down to Scotland Yard and looked in the rogues' gallery. The American's real name is Killer Evans.Tenth / Watson:
What sort of parent calls their son Killer?Master / Holmes:
Ah, happy memories. Anyway, some years ago he shot a man called Rodger Prescott, who was a famous forger, and who matches the description of the previous tenant at Mr. Garrideb's house. In the end they brought it in self-defence. Evans was let out last year. Now do you get the picture?Tenth / Watson:
I fear I am none the wiser.Master / Holmes:
That's always been your problem, Doctor. Take an hour's rest and then we'll go down to Ryder Street.[He opens a drawer, and looks at its contents with exasperation.]
Master:
There are supposed to be revolvers in here. Not vegetables.Izzy / Narrator:
I'm not trusting you with anything beyond a stick of celery. If you can build a rocket control system out of food I'm sure you'll cope.- * -
[That evening. The Master / Holmes and Tenth / Watson are back in Davros's laboratory, crouching behind a cupboard.]
Master / Holmes:
So have you finally worked out what's going on?Tenth / Watson:
I suppose this forger left something behind when he lived here, and the American wants to find it.Master / Holmes:
Got it at last. So he tricks the old idiot off to Birmingham to ensure the coast is clear. Now we just have to find some way to pass the time while we're huddled together in silence behind a cupboard. How about 'I Spy' in sign language?Tenth / Watson:
You're insane.[The Master grins and nods.]
[Some time later. van Statten / Killer Evans unlocks the door and enters. He pushes a table aside and rolls back the carpet revealing a secret trapdoor. He then opens the trapdoor, lights a candle, and climbs through the trapdoor.]
Izzy / Narrator:
Holmes touched Watson's wrist as a signal.[The Master / Holmes grabs Ten / Watson by the wrist, and drags him out from behind the cupboard. They make their way to the trapdoor, grasping their sticks of celery as if they were guns. As they do so, van Statten / Evans pokes his head out again.]
van Statten / Evans:
Well, well! So you've been one too many for me, Mr. Holmes. Well, sir, I hand it to you; you have me beat, and —[He suddenly whips out a pistol and fires at them. Tenth / Watson clutches his leg and collapses.]
Master / Holmes [leaping aside as van Statten / Evans fires again] :
Oh, for crying out loud! How am I supposed to knock him out with this celery?Izzy / Narrator:
I don't know. You'll have to improvise.[The Master dodges across the room, zigzagging to throw van Statten's aim off, and presses his hand onto the Dalek's dome. As you might expect, he leaves a glowing handprint, and Dalek Beatrice powers up.]
Dalek Beatrice:
WHO ARE YOU? WHO ARE YOU? ANSWER!Master / Holmes [talking very quickly] :
Watson and I are the guests your master told you about. The man in the trapdoor with the gun is an unauthorised intruder.[van Statten fires again; this time his bullet ricochets off one of Beatrice's indicator lamps.]
Dalek Beatrice:
EXTERMINATE.[She fires. van Statten / Evans screams and what can be seen of him glows; his body disappears down the trapdoor.]
Tenth / Watson [bleeding over the floor] :
Help... me.Master / Holmes:
Go and get the police, quickly! And I suppose we might as well have a doctor too. A proper doctor, I mean.Dalek Beatrice:
I OBEY.[She glides out. The Master / Holmes somewhat reluctantly cradles the Doctor / Watson in his arms.]
Master / Holmes [with not the least concern] :
Are you hurt, Watson?Tenth / Watson [addressing the audience] :
The clear, hard eyes were dimmed for a moment, and the firm lips were shaking. For the one and only time I caught a glimpse of a great heart as well as of a great brain. And a thousand Holmes/Watson shippers just punched the air.Master:
Oh, how nauseating.[Tenth / Watson starts removing his trousers.]
Master:
Don't you dare.Tenth / Watson:
I was just trying to get at the wound.Master:
Oh, yes, that's what they all say. [He retrieves a scalpel from a nearby workbench and cuts the fabric away.]Tenth / Watson [pressing his handkerchief to the wound] :
It's only a scratch.Master / Holmes:
Just as well. Let's take a look in that trapdoor.Tenth / Watson:
You'll have to lend me a hand.Master:
How touching, I don't think. And don't dare bleed on my suit.[He grudgingly supports Ten / Watson, and they both look down the trapdoor.]
Tenth / Watson:
Ooh... Nasty. That's another unscripted murder you've committed. You're supposed to be the detective.Master / Holmes:
That wasn't me, it was the Dalek. Anyway, we'll say it was an accident. When Evans realised we were here, he fell off the ladder and broke his neck.Tenth / Watson:
Will the police believe that?Master / Holmes [smugly] :
I am the Master, and they will believe me.Tenth / Watson:
What was Evans after, anyway?Master / Holmes:
All those forged banknotes down there. And the counterfeiting apparatus itself. Do I get any thanks now I've solved the mystery?Tenth / Watson [spitting out the words] :
Holmes, this is wonderful. You have triumphed once again.Izzy / Narrator:
So those were the facts about Killer Evans and his remarkable invention of the three Garridebs. Sadly the shock of finding out the truth drove poor old Nathan Garrideb quite mad. He was last heard of at a nursing home in Brixton.[A nursing home. Davros, dressed in a white coat and accompanied by Dalek Beatrice, is gliding through a ward.]
Davros:
Beatrice, how many casings are ready now?Dalek Beatrice:
FOUR.Davros:
Excellent. I think Mr. Jenkins here may well prove suitable for one of them. Or at least his head will.Izzy / Narrator:
It was a glad day at the Yard when the Prescott outfit was discovered.[Nathan Garrideb's room. Two stolid police constables are standing on guard. The commissioner of police (Tobias Vaughn) is leaning over the trapdoor.]
Vaughn / Commissioner:
How are you getting on down there, Packer?Packer's voice:
I reckon at least twenty thousand pounds' worth, sir.Vaughn / Commissioner [smiling broadly] :
Splendid. The office party should be quite something this year.Izzy / Narrator:
And Holmes and Watson lived happily ever after.[We see a brief shot of 221B Baker Street, with the Master doing the macarena, while 'Shake, Rattle and Roll' (performed by Atomic Kitten with accompaniment on period harpsichords and sackbuts) plays. The Doctor is wearing ear defenders and holding a sign that reads KILL ME NOW.]
Izzy put the book down.
"Well?" she asked cautiously.
"I pweferred the uvver Sherlock Holmes," said Liz. "She was clever. This one's just silly."
There was a general chorus of agreement from most of the children.
"He was better when he was telling the stories, not in them," added Vicki.
"Not enough Daleks," was all little Davros had to say.
"Not enough...? How many Daleks do you want in a story?"
Davros chuckled.
"Just you wait," he said under his breath.
John Elliott