Hope you like this - it's short at least, this time. I got set off by Kate Crackernuts... But have only quoted 'Revolting Rhymes' from memory and with much interruption to avoid blatant copyright issues. Can't see Roald Dahl arguing with an extra bit of crazy writing in the world, though... :-) TTR/ LWT - Storytime: A Revolting Rhyme By V. Jewitt In which the Master returns to the nursery (the Master never gives up) with intent to educate the toddlers on Roald Dahl's 'Little Red Riding Hood'. For those who know, I need say no more... The Master had been waiting his chance ever since his requested library book had come in. Now, clutching the battered copy of 'Revolting Rhymes' he climbed over the nursery wall and slipped in through the back door. * Izzy was otherwise occupied in dealing with Davros's tantrum and trying to train Sutekh to tidy up after himself. "You may like leaving nothing but dust and destruction where you tread," she informed him sternly, "but I'm still not having you trail the sandpit through the main room and break the toys!" * The Master put his fingers to his lips to warn the children not to squeal and give him away. Pleased to see the return of a potentially gory storyteller, they obliged. "Izzy said we weren't to talk to you," Mel said, putting her hand up. He smiled. "Oh, I'm *sure* she didn't mean it. Besides, I thought it was about time you got a story with a decent female character in it. And what could be more suitable than Roald Dahl's finest five minutes?" "Oh good," said Sarah, almost every other companion nodding with her. Ace wrinkled up her nose. "Does it involve Nitro 9?" "No," said the Master, "but not far off." A thrill passed round the room and the children moved closer. * NARRATOR "As soon as wolf began to feel/ That he would like a decent meal/ He went and knocked on Grandma's door..." [The WOLF appears in the forest and stands for a moment in complete shock, before removing its mask to reveal ROSE.] ROSE I'm a *wolf*? NARRATOR That's what you get for graffitti-ing your way through time and space. Just get on with it - it's short this time, I promise. ROSE / WOLF All right. [Puts mask back on] I'm hungry. Hmm, no bacon sandwiches around. I'd better go and see how appetising Grandma looks this morning. NARRATOR When Grandma opened up she saw... GRANDMA [played by the PLASMAVORE] Hang on, I may *look* like a frail old woman, but if that wolf is thinking of having me for breakfast, it'll get a shock when I pull out my straw. NARRATOR Look, you old bat, you don't have a straw! [It vanishes. GRANDMA looks annoyed]. NARRATOR In fact, you don't have a straw and you don't have a hope. I believe the words are "He ate her up in one big bite!" GRANDMA Ulp. ROSE / BIG BAD WOLF Exactly *how* am I supposed to do that. And I'm not sure I want to get too near her. Is that blood on her lips? NARRATOR Look, the wolf eats the Grandma. Get on with it, or I won't get to the good bit before Izzy gets back! ROSE And that's my problem how? NARRATOR Well, if you don't do as you're supposed to and eat Grandma up, it looks as though this Grandma is prepared to eat the Wolf... WOLF [leaping nervously on GRANDMA] Raah rahh raah. Ummm, umm, umm! [GRANDMA screams and everything goes black. Shortly after, ROSE screams. The lights return to find the WOLF alone, nursing her neck.] WOLF Grandma tried to bite me! NARRATOR But, may I remind you, "Grandmama was small and tough..." [Loses his place] Um, Wolf still hadn't had enough - "He ran around the kitchen yelping: WOLF [giving half-hearted jump] Oh dear, I'm still hungry. NARRATOR *I've just got to have a second helping!* This book rhymes. Can't you do better than that? WOLF You try running around the kitchen yelping in this costume. So I'm going to wait right here until Red Riding Hood comes home from walking in the woods. Compared to her old Grandmama she's going to taste like the best bacon sarnie ever. With chips." NARRATOR That would be: "She's going to taste like*Caviar*!" WOLF Ugh. I'll give that a miss, then. [Outside the cottage, LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD has just reached the door. SARAH JANE sighs as she realises which costume she's wearing.] SARAH Not Little Red Riding Hood! Am I about to be eaten or just to run and scream for a woodcutter? NARRATOR Be of good cheer, Little Red - this is Roald Dahl!" SARAH Who? NARRATOR You blasphemer! Go inside and do the 'what big eyes' stuff, will you? SARAH Look, there's something really uncomfortable down my ... NARRATOR *GET INSIDE AND DON'T SAY ANYTHING ELSE* SARAH You're a bit touchy, aren't you? [LITTLE RED knocks on the door.] WOLF [in quavery voice; enjoying camping it up in the frilly nighty etc.] Come in, my dear! SARAH That's not -? Rose, is that *you*? WOLF Just don't. Look, I've got big eyes, haven't I? SARAH You've got big ears, too. WOLF [sniggering] Bet Noddy would have something to say about that. NARRATOR [hastily] And next, Red Riding Hood said, "But Grandma, what a lovely great big furry coat you have on!" SARAH Now you come to mention it, that is an nice, warm, furry coat you have on there, Granny dear! WOLF That's wrong! Have you forgotten your lines? NARRATOR This *is* supposed to rhyme, so stick to the text! WOLF Well, no matter what you say, I'm going to eat you next! NARRATOR Not rhyme with *me*: "Anyway, I'm going to eat you *anyway*!" [LITTLE RED, as WOLF stumbles out of the bed, reaches for the 'uncomfortable thing'...] NARRATOR "The small girl smiles. One eyelid flickers/ She whips the pistol from her knickers..." LITTLE RED [pulling out the rifle from Pyramids of Mars] Keep back, wolfie! WOLF Blimey, that can't have been a safe place to -. Ow! Ow! Ow! NARRATOR "And BANG BANG BANG she shoots him dead." * The toddlers cheer. * NARRATOR A few weeks later, I saw her in the wood, not wearing that silly cloak of red. LITTLE RED Yes, how do you like my lovely new furry wolfskin coat? NARRATOR I seem to have talked myself into the story again. Gotta stop doing that! THE END! Ta da!!! * Ace was jumping up and down excitedly. The Master smiled and was about to speak, when a furious Izzy bore down on him. "You!" she said. "'Mr so-called Saxon'! I know who you are now, so get out!" He held his hands out innocently. "I like telling them stories. What's the harm?" Izzy glared. "Revolting Rhymes? These children don't need any help to be revolting, thanks. Now, go!" The Master made a face at her and leapt back out the window nimbly. "Be like that, then. But there's one thing you can be sure of!" She sighed and leant out the window. "What's that, then?" "I'm the Master," he grinned, "and I'll be back!" This Time Round was created by Tyler Dion Look Who's Talking by Imran Inayat. All characters are copyright of the BBC & BBC Wales. The story 'Little Red Riding Hood' is copyright of Roald Dahl estate and Puffin.