Hope you like this - it's short at least, this time. I got set off by
But have only quoted 'Revolting Rhymes' from memory and with much
interruption to avoid blatant copyright issues. Can't see Roald Dahl
arguing with an extra bit of crazy writing in the world, though... :-)
TTR/ LWT - Storytime: A Revolting Rhyme
By V. Jewitt
In which the Master returns to the nursery (the Master never gives up)
with intent to educate the toddlers on Roald Dahl's 'Little Red Riding
Hood'. For those who know, I need say no more...
The Master had been waiting his chance ever since his requested
library book had come in. Now, clutching the battered copy of
'Revolting Rhymes' he climbed over the nursery wall and slipped in
through the back door.
Izzy was otherwise occupied in dealing with Davros's tantrum and
trying to train Sutekh to tidy up after himself. "You may like
leaving nothing but dust and destruction where you tread," she
informed him sternly, "but I'm still not having you trail the sandpit
through the main room and break the toys!"
The Master put his fingers to his lips to warn the children not to
squeal and give him away. Pleased to see the return of a potentially
gory storyteller, they obliged.
"Izzy said we weren't to talk to you," Mel said, putting her hand up.
He smiled. "Oh, I'm *sure* she didn't mean it. Besides, I thought it
was about time you got a story with a decent female character in it.
And what could be more suitable than Roald Dahl's finest five
"Oh good," said Sarah, almost every other companion nodding with her.
Ace wrinkled up her nose. "Does it involve Nitro 9?"
"No," said the Master, "but not far off."
A thrill passed round the room and the children moved closer.
"As soon as wolf began to feel/ That he would like a decent meal/ He
went and knocked on Grandma's door..."
[The WOLF appears in the forest and stands for a moment in complete
shock, before removing its mask to reveal ROSE.]
I'm a *wolf*?
That's what you get for graffitti-ing your way through time and
space. Just get on with it - it's short this time, I promise.
ROSE / WOLF
All right. [Puts mask back on] I'm hungry. Hmm, no bacon sandwiches
around. I'd better go and see how appetising Grandma looks this
When Grandma opened up she saw...
GRANDMA [played by the PLASMAVORE]
Hang on, I may *look* like a frail old woman, but if that wolf is
thinking of having me for breakfast, it'll get a shock when I pull out
Look, you old bat, you don't have a straw!
[It vanishes. GRANDMA looks annoyed].
In fact, you don't have a straw and you don't have a hope. I believe
the words are "He ate her up in one big bite!"
ROSE / BIG BAD WOLF
Exactly *how* am I supposed to do that. And I'm not sure I want to
get too near her. Is that blood on her lips?
Look, the wolf eats the Grandma. Get on with it, or I won't get to
the good bit before Izzy gets back!
And that's my problem how?
Well, if you don't do as you're supposed to and eat Grandma up, it
looks as though this Grandma is prepared to eat the Wolf...
WOLF [leaping nervously on GRANDMA]
Raah rahh raah. Ummm, umm, umm!
[GRANDMA screams and everything goes black. Shortly after, ROSE
screams. The lights return to find the WOLF alone, nursing her neck.]
Grandma tried to bite me!
But, may I remind you, "Grandmama was small and tough..." [Loses his
place] Um, Wolf still hadn't had enough - "He ran around the kitchen
WOLF [giving half-hearted jump]
Oh dear, I'm still hungry.
*I've just got to have a second helping!* This book rhymes. Can't
you do better than that?
You try running around the kitchen yelping in this costume. So I'm
going to wait right here until Red Riding Hood comes home from walking
in the woods. Compared to her old Grandmama she's going to taste like
the best bacon sarnie ever. With chips."
That would be: "She's going to taste like*Caviar*!"
Ugh. I'll give that a miss, then.
[Outside the cottage, LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD has just reached the
door. SARAH JANE sighs as she realises which costume she's wearing.]
Not Little Red Riding Hood! Am I about to be eaten or just to run
and scream for a woodcutter?
Be of good cheer, Little Red - this is Roald Dahl!"
You blasphemer! Go inside and do the 'what big eyes' stuff, will you?
Look, there's something really uncomfortable down my ...
*GET INSIDE AND DON'T SAY ANYTHING ELSE*
You're a bit touchy, aren't you?
[LITTLE RED knocks on the door.]
WOLF [in quavery voice; enjoying camping it up in the frilly nighty
Come in, my dear!
That's not -? Rose, is that *you*?
Just don't. Look, I've got big eyes, haven't I?
You've got big ears, too.
Bet Noddy would have something to say about that.
And next, Red Riding Hood said, "But Grandma, what a lovely great big
furry coat you have on!"
Now you come to mention it, that is an nice, warm, furry coat you have
on there, Granny dear!
That's wrong! Have you forgotten your lines?
This *is* supposed to rhyme, so stick to the text!
Well, no matter what you say, I'm going to eat you next!
Not rhyme with *me*: "Anyway, I'm going to eat you *anyway*!"
[LITTLE RED, as WOLF stumbles out of the bed, reaches for the
"The small girl smiles. One eyelid flickers/ She whips the pistol
from her knickers..."
LITTLE RED [pulling out the rifle from Pyramids of Mars]
Keep back, wolfie!
Blimey, that can't have been a safe place to -. Ow! Ow! Ow!
"And BANG BANG BANG she shoots him dead."
The toddlers cheer.
A few weeks later, I saw her in the wood, not wearing that silly cloak
Yes, how do you like my lovely new furry wolfskin coat?
I seem to have talked myself into the story again. Gotta stop doing
that! THE END! Ta da!!!
Ace was jumping up and down excitedly.
The Master smiled and was about to speak, when a furious Izzy bore
down on him.
"You!" she said. "'Mr so-called Saxon'! I know who you are now, so
He held his hands out innocently. "I like telling them stories.
What's the harm?"
Izzy glared. "Revolting Rhymes? These children don't need any help
to be revolting, thanks. Now, go!"
The Master made a face at her and leapt back out the window nimbly.
"Be like that, then. But there's one thing you can be sure of!"
She sighed and leant out the window. "What's that, then?"
"I'm the Master," he grinned, "and I'll be back!"
This Time Round was created by Tyler Dion
Look Who's Talking by Imran Inayat.
All characters are copyright of the BBC & BBC Wales. The story
'Little Red Riding Hood' is copyright of Roald Dahl estate and Puffin.