Hello, y'all. A few words of explanation are in order: Firstly, this story contains several real people on this group. Some of them asked for it, some were smarter than that. This is all in good fun and no offense is intended to anyone. Secondly, though members of the 'To Die For' cast appear in this story, it is not a part of TDF continuity. Thirdly, it will really help if you've read 'TDF: Like Water for Adric'. The events of that story bear on this one very strongly. Fourthly, enjoy! THIS TIME ROUND: AUTHOR AVATAR NIGHT or THE FANDOM MENACE by BKWillis "It right here in Union Handbook. Francois entitled to double-overtime pay. Article 22, Clause 7, Section E." "Let me see that." The Proprietor gingerly took the proferred book from the Ogron's massive paw and skimmed to the appropriate paragraph. "Francois, this is the hazard pay section." "That right, bossman." The Proprietor sighed and collected his patience. "What that means," he said carefully, "is that this section relates to pay for working in toxic environments or around dangerous or volatile substances." "Francois know that." The Ogron scowled as though he'd been slighted. "Francois been to college, after all. Did well in all except English courses..." "Well, then, how can you say this section applies to you? All I'm asking is for you to work a late shift in the bar on Saturday. It's not as if I'm asking you to handle explosives." "Volatile substances," Francois growled. "Bossman want Francois work with such, bossman pay right." "But I'm _not_ asking you to work with volatile--" Francois cut his employer off with an angry gesture. "Bossman forget what happen Saturday night. That night Author Avatar Night." He lightly tapped on the desk to emphasize his point, causing the wood to split in several places. "Bossman name Francois even _one_ substance worse volatile than author's ego..." ---- "It's _obvious_ who's going to win this." The speaker, a short, brawny man in his late twenties, downed a gulp of Dos Equis Amber with a smug and very punchable smirk. "You're absolutely right," replied his tablemate, a taller, thinner man with a short ponytail. "_I_ am." The shorter man shook his head. "No way, Doug. I've got this contest sewed up." He paused to watch a group of female author-avatars make their way across the pub, one eyebrow arching appreciatively behind his mirrored sunglasses. Doug laughed, much to his companion's annoyance. "You? Oh, please! No way are you going to get voted 'Coolest Male Avatar'. At least, not when _I'm_ in the running." "How can you say that? I'm the badass of the 'To Die For' stories. Mad, bad, and dangerous. Chicks go wild for my bad-boy image." "Which is why you're dateless tonight, eh Number One?" Doug replied sweetly. "Hey! That's just-- Oooh. Hang on." Number One perked up and stared intently at something across the room. "What?" Doug asked. "Mistress Helen in a catsuit." "Ah." Both took a rather longer-than-tactful look toward the bar. "Anyway," said Number One after both had gotten an eyeful, "you're just ticked because even _your_ author makes me look good." He flicked an imaginary speck of dust from the toe of his boot. "He makes you look like the loser you are," Doug responded casually. "You're the villain and this is 'Doctor Who'. Ergo, you are a loser, whereas I am a hero, and therefore the eventual winner of our little conflict. _Everybody_ loves a hero, and everybody loves a winner, too. There is a 0.00% statistical likelihood that the other avatars will prefer you over me." "Well, it looks like we're fixin' to find out, because here comes Francois with the results." The pub went quiet as the glowering Ogron climbed onto a table to read out the voting results. "Ooh. Looks like Saint Erin beat out Di for 'Coolest Female' this time," Number One said as the votes were announced. "Not by much, though," Doug replied. Both went silent as Francois read off the next results. "What?!" Number One yelled indignantly. "Who the Hell is this 'Jovial Julian', and how could he beat _me_?" "_Us_, you mean," said Doug sadly. "We both tied for last place." "I just want to know who this 'Julian' joker is," the Southerner snarled. "I want to know how _anybody_ could find him cooler than _me_." Doug sighed and shrugged fatalistically. As a follower of Adric, he had long since learned to deal with defeat and rejection. They just went with the territory. There would be other chances. You just had to make the best of each setback. So thinking, he turned to the still-seething Number One, a mischievous gleam in his eye. "You know," he said casually, picking up his glass, "there's still a chance for you." "Oh, what?" His Brethren counterpart was glaring at the cheering throng that surrounded Jovial Julian. Fast as a snake, Doug threw his rum-and-Coke onto the startled Number One, triggering his Jusenkyou Curse. Within the blink of an eye, the short, infuriated young man was transformed into a short, busty, dripping wet and totally enraged young girl. Doug smirked. "You can still win the Wet T-Shirt Contest... Heh heh heh... Hey! Put down that table...!" ---- It took 36 hours and two regiments of Royal Marines, but eventually a semblance of order was restored and the casualties removed for treatment at local hospitals. Coincidentally, the management of This Time Round announced the indefinite cancellation of all future Author Avatar Nights, citing excessive costs in insurance premiums, hazard pay, and medical expenses. This announcement was greeted with weary enthusiasm by the pub's few remaining neighbors. --BKWillis Copyright Notice: Doctor Who belongs to the BBC, who will probably lock me away for this sort of thing. This Time Round created by Tyler Dion, after Kielle. Francois and Number One created by me. Doug and Di of the ADF created by Douglas Killings. Jusenkyou Curse created by Rumiko Takahashi. Other characters property of their respective creators.