I planned, as I typed my last few words of Pride and Prejudice, to stay well clear of Storytime for a while. But even as my brain wondered about what to write next, I contemplated something with Martha in - and before I knew where I was, I was writing another storytime thing. It's like a terrible curse I just can't escape... This Time Round / Look Who's Talking Storytime: Beauty and the Beast by V. Jewitt (In which the Master returns to the creche, Harriet Jones gets her revenge, the Tenth Doctor gets a shock and Martha has to try and put everything right. With obligatory dead mother, invisible servants, roses, and an actual happy ending). **** Izzy was in a thoughtful mood. Storytime was becoming a regular problem. Either she couldn't get anyone willing to face the toddlers, or she got someone only too ready, but for their own evil ends. She'd turned to Barbara as a schoolteacher and even she had managed to read Pride and Prejudice. It was all getting out of hand. Her solution had been to pointedly ignore the Book, leaving it sulking on the shelf while she held up big book versions of The Very Hungry Caterpillar and We're All Going On A Bear Hunt. While those picture book classics never failed with even the most demanding of pre-school groups, her gang of toddlers were missing the 'funny people' - and they were all asking for one storyteller in particular. Harry Saxon had been a hit at the creche, but the truth was he was the latest incarnation of the Master and his stories tended to be irresponsible and usually gory. The problem was, his brand of madness suited the children down the ground, and his insistence that children enjoyed bloodthirsty fairy tales had turned out to be truer than Izzy liked to admit. Izzy sighed, because she'd thrown him out last time he came here - and she'd made a vow not to allow any more villains to make the creche their playground instead of the toddlers'. But she was getting tired of sulks and tantrums and demands for Dr Watson and Mr Saxon, instead of Can't You Sleep Little Bear. * "Are you still interested in storytelling?" The newest Master leant back in his chair. "Might be." "Well, I'm willing to let you back, under certain conditions -." "Oh, *are* you? And who says I'm willing to come?" Izzy flipped through her notebook. "Just about everyone else I've spoken to. Your original incarnation says you've been wandering about the Round moaning and tripping people up for fun, because the only good thing in Nameless, aside from watching Nyssa kill Adric, is Storytime and you can't get back in since the Rani made her attempt." "Well, maybe I am, then. What conditions? I'm not telling nice little sparkly stories about fairies. That's not what your children want, is it? If it was, you wouldn't be here, *begging* me to come back." She gritted her teeth and reminded herself that there would be no more screaming tonight and she could sit back and listen to the story instead of struggling to read Each Peach Pear Plum. "Yes. So, you can come back under these conditions: tonight you tell a story in front of me and if there is anything I think is inappropriate -." "I take it you're not including behaviour from the characters yourselves. You know what they're like." "Yes," agreed Izzy, understanding exactly what he meant. Who characters randomly sandwiched into a traditional story usually equalled chaos and unexpected endings. "I choose the story. On any following occasions, if I'm not there, one or two of the children will be briefed to tell me if you tell any more stories where people lose their heads, get shot or you do the upsetting version of the Three Little Pigs. And it won't always be Mel, so don't even think about it." He grinned back at her. "Why not?" Izzy only hoped that she was not going to regret this. While it wasn't *exactly* his fault, it was his stories that had led to those repeated and disturbing attempts at singing from Jamie and Zoe, the Rani thinking she could tell stories as well as conduct scientific experiments, and a dwarf protest from seven disgruntled Doctors. * The Master looked round at the children mock-sternly. "Are we all sitting comfortably? Are all you horrible little brats prepared to listen to my exciting tale of -" he turned to the Book again with some reluctance, "-Beauty and the Beast? Izzy, can't I at least do Rumpelstiltskin or Rapunzel?" Izzy folded her arms. "Oh, all right. Peri, I told you before that rubbing your sticky little fingers over my shoes is *not* cleaning them." Catching Izzy's expression, he added swiftly, "But I'm sure you meant it well!" And patted her head. * NARRATOR / MASTER Once upon a time, there lived a spoilt young prince in a big castle. He thought of no one but himself and did whatever he liked. [The TENTH DOCTOR / PRINCE wanders around Castle Gracht] PRINCE / TEN Is that really a fair description of my character? I bet that's the Master again! I've heard about you. NARRATOR It had *nothing* to do with me. If it did, we'd be doing Rapunzel and someone could have thrown you out a tower window into a thornbush. PRINCE Oh well. [Throws priceless painting into the moat for the fun of it] What next? Let me see -. TENANT FARMER / FIFTH DOCTOR [knocking on the door] Your highness, there's still a problem with that Giant Robot in Figgis's barn. PRINCE I haven't got time. Go away! [As FIFTH DOC wanders away, looking put out] I've still got to deal with the Wirrn infestation in the North Tower, plus that Count Grendel keeps swimming around in the moat and causing trouble! SERVANT / NIMROD Master, you have not yet paid me my wages. PRINCE Is everyone deaf? I have too much to do! I can't possibly fight the Wirrn, duel with Grendel, deal with the Giant Robot, explore the spaceship in the cellar *and* pay your wages. Besides, I never have the right money. NIMROD The fang of a cave bear would be sufficient, master. PRINCE / TEN Well, where am I supposed to get one of those from? It's a bit unreasonable - and it sounds like cruelty to animals to me, thank you very much. NIMROD Your father always managed to find me one. Mutter mutter. * NARRATOR Until one day, an old crone came to his castle door, begging for shelter. HARRIET JONES [dressed in a black hooded cloak, holding a basket and knocking at the door] Who are you calling an *old crone*? NARRATOR / MASTER Oh, look - it's my predecessor. OLD CRONE Hello? Is there anyone there? It's raining out here and I'd like to come in. NIMROD / SERVANT I shall just fetch my master. Wait in the hall. [Behind her, COUNT GRENDEL slips in. As TEN / PRINCE arrives, HARRIET is tapping her foot impatiently.] TEN/ PRINCE [spying GRENDEL] You! Get out at once! [Draws his sword]. [GRENDEL curses and slips out, diving into the moat again.] OLD CRONE This is appalling treatment for a poor, defenceless, old woman. Who's not *that* old, I have to add, but still. Young man, this is your unlucky day - I am in truth your fairy godmother-. NARRATOR Just a fairy. HARRIET / CRONE Well, whatever I am, I have a magic wand and it's my turn to put an end to *your* reign! TEN / PRINCE [As she waves the wand with great job satisfaction] Wait! I wasn't even talking to you. That's not fair - argh!! [The lights go out. When they come back on, the OLD CRONE has gone] NARRATOR Yes, for his selfish behaviour, the old woman had cursed the young prince to stay in the form of a beast until someone came along who could love him for himself. TEN / BEAST Gotta find a mirror. What has that mad old woman done? I can hardly see a thing in this. [Shuffles off to find a mirror and takes a good look]. Aaaaaarrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhh! [Faints] NIMROD / SERVANT [running in] Oh dear, a beast has eaten the Master. I shall never get paid now. I think I had better leave in search of the cave bear myself. [Walks out the door]. TEN / BEAST [recovering] Of all the things to turn into. The shame of it - I'm a Taran Wood Beast! * Izzy glared at the Master. "Stop laughing, or we'll never get this done." He wiped the tears from his eyes. "I take it all back, Izzy. You can choose any story you like." She folded her arms and said, with emphasis, "Yes, and I *will*." * NARRATOR The Prince was now in big trouble, since who was going to stop laughing long enough to love a Taran Wood Beast? To be frank, I think you've had it, Doctor. BEAST / TEN In that case, I'll just get on with dealing with the Wirrn and that nuisance, Count Grendel. Looks like I'll have to hire some new servants as well. Mine have run away. NARRATOR I wonder why... BEAST I've got it. I'll get some invisible servants - they won't worry about what I look like. NARRATOR That doesn't follow - you should get blind servants. BEAST Blind servants? Don't be daft. In a place like Castle Gracht? Oh, yeah, *that'd* be useful. [BEAST interviews two SPIRIDONS] BEAST How are you on cooking and washing up? SPRIRIDON 1 I believe we could manage, sir. BEAST I need some invisible servants who don't mind my looks, but you two seem almost visible with those purple hairy cloaks. SPIRIDON 2 It's chilly in this big castle. SPIRIDON 1 You did not specify that you wished for *naked* invisible servants. BEAST [alarmed] Fine, fine - keep your cloaks on. Just wondered, that's all. Now, I'm off to get rid of Grendel, throw some pesticide over the Wirrn and start growing roses. And wait for some girl who can bear to look at me like this without laughing herself to death. * NARRATOR In a not too distant land, lived a merchant with his three daughters, Hope, Grace and Beauty. The youngest was called Beauty because she was beautiful both inside and out. Izzy, must I read this sentimental pap? IZZY Yes. NARRATOR I think if someone experimented by cutting her open, we'd find that she was pretty much the same as anyone else. IZZY That's your last warning. And you know what it means. NARRATOR All right, all right. Don't blame me if the children get fed up. EIGHTH DOCTOR / MERCHANT [wearing his usual outfit and sitting at a wooden desk, writing on paper with an extravagant quill and getting ink everywhere.] I see shares in wool are up this week. That's good! NARRATOR His first wife had died many years ago. ROMANA II [walks on, drinks the ink and collapses gracefully] I seem to be rather popular as a deceased wife lately. Why is that? MERCHANT / EIGHT She's dead! Noooooo!!!! But, wait, if I fiddle with this dial on the TARDIS and -. NARRATOR Absolutely not. Doctor, what *are* you thinking? MERCHANT All right. Do I get to marry again? NARRATOR Why not? You have three young brats to bring up and you're off selling sheep hides every day but Sunday. What else would you do? [EIGHT / MERCHANT marries GRACE] MERCHANT By the way, light of my life, did I tell you I had three lovely daughters I wanted you to bring up for me? STEPMOTHER / GRACE [sighing] I knew there was gonna be a catch. No, funny, you never mentioned that before. * NARRATOR Unfortunately, not long after, the merchant heard news that all six of his ships were sunk and all his wealth lost. MERCHANT That's... not so good. Well, everyone, we shall have to move to the country and make the best of things. STEPMOTHER I should have known this would be a bad idea. Damn! * NARRATOR However, one day, the merchant received word that one of his ships and survived and was even now returning to the town. He set off to meet it and his daughters believed that their fortunes were restored and asked for gifts of things that they had once had. HOPE / ROSE TYLER I'm not Beauty? NARRATOR Nope. Get over it. HOPE All right, I'd like necklaces of rubies, diamonds, emeralds and sapphires. MERCHANT That sounds a bit garish to me, but I'll do what I can. GRACE / PERI [pulling out a long list] Well, I'd like -. MERCHANT Just *one* thing. PERI [rolling the list back up again] Shucks. Oh well, some silk dresses will do me fine, Pop. MERCHANT Not if you ever call me that again! GRACE / PERI [making a face] I would love some silk dresses in the latest fashion, Papa dearest! MERCHANT And what about my little Beauty? BEAUTY / MARTHA Hang about, I'm supposed to be the daughter of you and Romana? NARRATOR Martha, this is storytime. The Book doesn't worry about these things unless it feels like it. BEAUTY Okay. I don't want anything at all, Father. Just bring yourself back safely. [PERI / GRACE and ROSE / HOPE mime gagging actions behind her back.] MERCHANT No, no no! That would hardly be fair, Beauty. I must bring you something. BEAUTY Okay, bring me back a rose, then. MERCHANT [hugging his wife and daughters in turn, sets off, waving] Bye! [He wanders off, muttering to himself] This is very confusing: Grace is the Stepmother, Peri is Grace and Beauty wants a Rose... Must remember... [HOPE and GRACE gang up on BEAUTY] HOPE / ROSE [hands on hips] "All I want is one rose?" GRACE / PERI You ask for something you can pawn or sell on Ebay and then we can have that TV, digital camera, DVD player, ipod and all the rest of the things we wanted. ROSE And if this turns out to be some pun where I get given to you -. NARRATOR It's not. BEAUTY [laughing] But I don't want any of that stuff. * NARRATOR The merchant travelled through the kingdom of the Beast on his return. He was downhearted, for although his ship had come in, his men had believed him dead and divided his wealth up between them. So, he had no gifts for his daughters, not even a rose for his dear Beauty. Since she had asked for roses in winter, this wasn't surprising. However, a storm blew up as he approached the Beast's castle, half dead of hunger, cold and fatigue. MERCHANT [as buckets of water are thrown at him from off-stage] Oh dear. I'd better find shelter - in here! That's better. Now what was it I had to remember - Peri is playing Grace and Rose wants a beautiful Stepmother? No, that's not right... NARRATOR The gates opened for him and though he never saw anyone, food was laid before him and a bedchamber made up for him. MERCHANT Well, that's not strictly true. I can see those purple cloaks as clearly as anything. SPIRIDON 1 We are sorry if this is inconvenient, but we find it too cold in this castle to walk about naked. MERCHANT Of course. Sorry. NARRATOR In the morning, the Merchant left, again being served without seeing any living creature. On the way out, he found himself in the garden and there was -. MERCHANT A rose bush! [Picks a rose] I'm sure my kind host would not mind - he's given me everything else I wanted. BEAST [appearing behind him with his arms folded] But not that, you thief. Put that rose back! MERCHANT [frozen in disbelief] What? BEAST I've had it with these horticultural criminals. Put the rose down and face your doom! MERCHANT [laughing hysterically] But you're - you're a Taran Wood Beast! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha... BEAST / TEN Really? I'd never have noticed if you hadn't said. Now, Mr Whatever your name is, you're done for now. Have I not given you everything you wanted since you entered my castle? And you repay me by stealing a rose! I shall imprison you here forever -. MERCHANT No, wait! You don't understand. I am on the way home and I promised my youngest and - incidentally, most beautiful - daughter a rose. It was all my poor child asked for - you must let me return and give it to her. I have found one no where else and I thought you would not mind, you who have been so generous to a poor, lonely traveller. BEAST Hmm. Okay, here's the deal. You get to go free, and give the rose to your daughter, but unless she willingly agrees to come back here instead of you, to live with me in my castle, you will have to return and pay the price yourself. But to be honest, that's not going to help me much. MERCHANT / EIGHT [crossing his fingers behind his back] Oh, I swear, Sir Beast! * NARRATOR The Merchant returned home and told his daughter how he came by her rose. BEAUTY / MARTHA Then I must go to this Beast's castle. I won't let him have you, Father. MERCHANT But I have a plan - neither of us goes! What can this beast do? STEPMOTHER / GRACE / HOPE Yeah, good thinking. He's miles away. BEAUTY But, Father - you made a promise! And it *is* all my fault for asking for a rose. I must go to his castle as he asked. * BEAST [looking out a window] Here she comes. Trouble is, I still can't face her like this. She's never going to take kindly to a wretched Taran Wood Beast. NARRATOR Aw. Are you feeling depressed, Doctor? Postponing the moment when she dies laughing? BEAST Oh, shut up. * NARRATOR Beauty entered with her father, both very nervous, when the Beast appeared before them and -. [Long pause] NARRATOR I said *the Beast appeared before them*! BEAST Oh, all right. [Walks in] I am the terrible Beast! Your father stole that rose from me and now you have come to live with me in my castle to spare him from his fate? BEAUTY [trying not to laugh] Why are you wearing that unconvincing costume? BEAST Roar. Do you dare to mock me? BEAUTY No, no, I'm not - that can't really be you, can it? BEAST / TEN Oh, yes. This is me, your genuine Taran Wood Beast. BEAUTY / MARTHA You're kidding me. MERCHANT What now? BEAST Well, you may stay and dine this evening and this morning, when you hear the bell. After that, you and Beauty may pack up two boxes of any of my things you care to help yourselves to and you'll be off, back to your family, your fortunes restored. MERCHANT That sounds fair enough. But what about poor Beauty? BEAST I'll take good care of her. Look, Martha can you *stop* laughing, please? MARTHA / BEAUTY They should have got you a proper costume. BEAST / TEN I'll have you know this is the real skin of a genuine Taran Wood Beast. Count Grendel was always shooting the things. Typical of a Gracht. MARTHA / BEAUTY No real animal ever looked like that! NARRATOR Perhaps we could step back into character and the pathetic merchant can pack his bags full of silks and jewels and gold and leave Beauty to the Beast? * NARRATOR Every day, Beauty had the castle to herself, her every wants attended to by invisible servants -. BEAUTY They're not all that invisible. SPIRIDON 1 Why does everyone think invisible people should walk around naked? BEAUTY Oh. * NARRATOR At the end of every day, the Beast asked Beauty to marry him and every day, Beauty, even though she grew quite fond of him, always said no. BEAST You don't fancy marrying me tonight, do you, Beauty? BEAUTY You're a very nice Taran Wood Beast, but I don't think it would work out. BEAST Drat. BEAUTY There is one thing, though. BEAST Yes? BEAUTY / MARTHA Where's your singing candlesticks and teapots? BEAST Martha, that's not funny. * NARRATOR One day, the Beast found Beauty crying. BEAST What's wrong? BEAUTY [drying her eyes quickly] Oh, nothing, Beast! BEAST That's all right, then. Fancy a quick walk round the rose garden? NARRATOR There are times when you're completely obtuse, Doctor! BEAST / TEN Ah. I see. Come on, then, Beauty. If there's something wrong, you'd better tell me what it is. Don't I look after you and give you everything you could ever need? BEAUTY Yes, you're very kind to me, Beast. BEAST But? BEAUTY / MARTHA I miss my father and my sisters and my stepmother. Oh, if I could only know that they were all well! BEAST Ah. I see. I might have known. I'm not enough for you, is that it? BEAUTY Look, I like you a lot, Beast, but I still care about my family. Even if I must be adopted, however you look at it... BEAST Oh, all right. I'll arrange something, but this is the start of a long and slippery slope that doesn't bode well for me. BEAUTY / MARTHA What are you talking about? I only need to know that my father got back safely and restored our fortunes. BEAST Here, have this golden mirror. When you look into it, it will show you your family. BEAUTY Ooh - cool! How does that work? Look, there's Hope and Grace pulling each other's hair. BEAST So, do you feel like marrying me tonight, Beauty? BEAUTY / MARTHA Beast, you are my best friend in the whole world, but I don't want to marry you. BEAST I didn't think you were that superficial. BEAUTY I'm only trying not to spoil the story. If you really want me to say yes - NARRATOR No! Honestly, I can't trust you two alone for a minute, can I? As if this story isn't saccharine enough as it is... * NARRATOR A few weeks later, the Beast found Beauty looking depressed again. BEAST What's wrong this time? BEAUTY I still miss my family. It's all very well to see them in the mirror, but I would love to visit them and let them know that I am well. I see my father in his study and though he has all his wealth back, he worries about me here. If he only knew that you look after me so well and are my very best friend instead of the [her voice becomes unsteady] ferocious Beast that he thinks you are. BEAST I knew it. You promise to stay with me forever and a few months later, you want to leave. BEAUTY No! I want to stay here with you, but if I could only leave for two months see my family, then I could be happy here. BEAST I suppose you're not up for a quick walk down the aisle tonight, then? BEAUTY No. Sorry. I would if I could! BEAST Oh, very well. You can go home, but you must take the mirror with you. In that you can see me each evening and I shall know that you have not forgotten me. If you stay too long, I shall die. BEAUTY That's a bit melodramatic, isn't it? BEAST Ah, loneliness is a terrible thing, Beauty. * NARRATOR So, Beauty was allowed to visit her family, taking two more boxes of the Beast's gifts with her for them. [Big group hug ensues until everyone eventually disentangles themselves] HOPE / ROSE So what's this Beast like - apart from wealthy and ugly? GRACE / PERI I don't know how you can bear it. BEAUTY Well, that's rich from you two while you're wearing dresses that come from his gold... He might look very odd, but he has the kindest heart. I am quite happy there with him. MERCHANT But you won't go hurrying back off to him just yet, will you, Beauty? BEAUTY [hugging him] Of course not, Father. I've only just got here. Oh, that reminds me. I've got to look into the mirror and check he isn't too lonely without me. * NARRATOR But as the weeks passed, even though Beauty declared she must return to her dear Beast as she had promised, her family begged her with tears in their eyes to stay a little longer. It could not matter to the Beast in his castle, if she waited to return to him for good. And, caught up in the affairs of her family, Beauty forgot to look in the mirror. BEAST I knew this wasn't going to work out well for me... * NARRATOR As I said, Beauty was in the middle of dealing with her family's everyday concerns... HOPE [storming in through the door, holding a flouncy dress] Grace has ripped my best dress! MERCHANT Couldn't we have called her Faith or something? I can't get this straight. GRACE / PERI I did not! You did that yourself. BEAUTY Give it here. I'll mend it - it'll look as good as new, Hope. STEPMOTHER It's so good to have you back with us, Beauty. BEAUTY I know. But I really must go back to the Beast. Now where is that golden mirror of mine? HOPE [far too innocently] Well, I haven't seen it. GRACE / PERI Me either. BEAUTY All right, you two. Where is it? I must see that my poor Beast is all right! * NARRATOR Beauty found the mirror buried under a sack of potatoes in the kitchen and snatched it up. BEAUTY Oh no! * [Back at the castle, the BEAST wonders outside in the rose garden, before collapsing] * BEAUTY I must go back! I must get back to my poor Beast before it is too late! He's dying! GRACE / PERI Talk about a drama queen. Bet he's just pretending. BEAUTY [hitting her with the mirror] Get out of my way. I should never have broken my promise! [BEAUTY races off stage, hitching up her skirts. HOPE tries to pull her back, but too late.] * BEAUTY / MARTHA [arriving, out of breath in the rose garden] Oh, Beast, please don't die! [Sobs while checking for pulse] I've come back and I'll stay here with you forever - I will marry you! [The BEAST stays lying on the ground] BEAUTY [in desperation] I love you! [The BEAST hastily scrambles out of his Taran Wood Beast costume to reveal the TENTH DOCTOR / PRINCE] BEAUTY Oh! [Kisses him] PRINCE Mmph - mmm! BEAUTY Sorry, were you trying to say something? PRINCE You got ahead of yourself, Martha. You're supposed to ask what happened to your dear Beast! MARTHA [blushing] I can't think what came over me. Who are you? What have you done with my poor Taran Wood Beast? PRINCE Beauty, don't you recognise me? I *am* the -. [BEAUTY kisses him again] PRINCE Martha, I think we may have to have words about this. BEAUTY / MARTHA [innocently] What? Isn't that how fairy tales are meant to end? PRINCE [considering it] Oh, well, I suppose that's true. [Kisses her back] Argh! ROSE [standing over them with an empty jug of water] Will you two stop it? MARTHA [still looking demure] What? This is a *fairy tale*, everyone! What else are we going to do? NARRATOR In Storytime, running off with someone else, staying single or applying for a divorce as soon as possible is a fairly common solution. MARTHA [laughing] Oh, come on, what's wrong with a happy ending? TEN Exactly! Although I still don't know why I was cast as the Spoilt Prince... [HARRIET JONES reappears, this time dressed as a proper, sparkly FAIRY] FAIRY Well, you've learnt your lesson now, I hope. TEN Yep. Next time, I get rid of Grendel *first* and if I do still get into trouble by way of changing history with a few hasty words and giving the Master a chance to start taking over the cosmos, I'll know I can rely on Martha to sort it out. NARRATOR Oh, please. Like I don't have some *other* plan up my sleeve. TEN Being dead? That one's a really cunning one, I have to say. NARRATOR Made you cry, though, didn't it, Doctor? TEN What? Never! Must have been ... smoke from all that gunfire. FIVE [popping his head round the door] I don't want to be a nuisance, but that Giant Robot is still stuck in the barn. Tegan's holding it off as best as she can but Turlough's done for and we could really do with a spot of help -. TEN [catching MARTHA's hand] Martha, quick - let's get out of here! [They run away.] * Izzy was watching the Master. She waited a moment longer and then coughed. Still nothing. "You'll have to say it, you know. It's not over till you do." The Master sighed and then gave in. The Doctor as a Taran Wood Beast was something to be going on with. "So Beauty married her Prince lived happily ever after." "Very good. It would have been better if you could say it without grinding your teeth." He looked across at her and smiled his best smile. "So?" "Yes, all right," said Izzy. "You can come back to the creche, but only under my conditions. And I will know if you start misbehaving!" He mimed the picture of innocence, far too over the top, making the children giggle. "What, *me*?" Little Ace was frowning. "I liked that one where she shot the wolf. Bang bang bang! Don't like silly soppy stuff." An argument immediately broke out in the creche between the majority who agreed with Ace and wanted more violence and less kissing and Harry and the few girls who liked happy endings, and Jamie, who liked anything with funny beasties. The Master winked at her. Izzy reflected that maybe it was time to dumb down and stick the children in front of a TV set... ********* TTR was created by Tyler Dion. LWT by Imran Inayat & Storytime by B K Willis. All characters used are copyright of the BBC, BBC Wales & whoever it si owns the righst to the TV Movie again... The rest is, as usual, entirely my fault.