TTR: Let’s Play… Blind Date (with Leela) By V. Jewitt Does it show that I've been watching season 15? It's been longer than I realised since I came up with this sort of nonsense. And, as we have TV in Nameless, it seems reasonable to imagine that the Celestial Toymaker might be a tired game show host. But then, I've been watching Season 15 and I left my sanity somewhere around Fetch Priory... *** That celebrated Nameless TV game show host, the Celestial Toymaker’ attempts an episode of Blind Date in which Leela must decide between her queue of unlikely admirers. (At least, that’s the intention…) *** [Lights and cameras focus on a brightly coloured pink and blue TV studio with the CELESTIAL TOYMAKER standing in the centre.] CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Welcome to another exciting edition of [glances at card in hand] Ah, yes, ‘Blind Date’. I’m afraid our producer has stamped down on the actual blinding of contestants, but to make up for it to you … wonderful… viewers, we have a challenge for Leela of the Sevateem, famed for leaving a trail of broken hearts across the galaxies. Yes, it’s time for her to decide which of her unlikely admirers she *really* prefers. Let’s have a big round of applause for Leela! [Canned Applause] [LEELA enters, a scowl on her face. Someone has taken her knife.] VOICE OVER [It’s the MOVIE MASTER]: Leela of the Sevateem, hard- hitting savage warrior, but she has her softer side. And as we can all see, thanks to her miniscule dress, she isn’t lacking in the looks department, although why -. CELESTIAL TOYMAKER [coughing]: Yes, thank you, Graham. V/O: Graham? CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Oh, you’re hardly the first. We call you all Graham. I’m … not sure why. Now, Leela, we have a treat in store for you tonight. LEELA [moving across to CELESTIAL TOYMAKER] If you do not stop speaking lies against me, I shall kill you. And give me back my knife! CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Weapons are forbidden in this TV studio. Obviously, if one pauses to recall some of the pairings we found ourselves left with. Even the spoons have been confiscated from time to time. Now, Graham, remind us who we have here tonight. V/O: I’m not doing this if you don’t stop calling me that. LEELA: Good. Can I go home now? BOTH: No! [LEELA folds her arms and sulks] CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Well, go on, who are these potentially lucky men? V/O: You won’t believe this, Toymaker. We have a whole string of completely hapless and hopeless males queuing up and, believe me, when I say hapless and hopeless, I mean *astoundingly* useless, even considering that the majority are merely feeble bipeds originating from earth. You won’t believe your eyes. LEELA [looking up]: I am going to kill you for this. DOCTOR [from the other side of the screen] That’s all very well, but what am *I* doing here? CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: You’re on the list. [glancing up, to address V/O] And I don’t think there’s any call to label the Doctor as useless. Intensely irritating, a cheat, a spoilsport and various other things, but *useless* -. V/O: I’ll call him useless if I want. Do you want me to read the list or shall we argue all night? CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Yes, read the list. Who are these fortunate contestants? V/O: We’ve managed to narrow them down, since Tomas declined to be here – some excuse about not wanting to let Calib get up to any of his tricks – and the entire population of Fang Rock died immediately after meetig this young lady. Plus, our producer insisted that even a savage couldn’t really want to marry Idas. Which leaves us with our startlingly inept line-up: Chief Mover Ander Poul, Professor George Litefoot, Professor Adam Colby, Cordo, Commander Andred and the Doctor. She’s partial to a title, isn’t she? LEELA: Is he allowed to insult me like that? DOCTOR: I really must protest -. CELESTIAL TOYMAKER & V/O: Oh, be quiet. CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Now, we need to narrow it down further. Let’s begin the process of elimination -. LEELA [outraged]: I am not killing any of them! They are my friends. And I will kill *you* before I harm the Doctor. CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Please, allow me to finish. We will begin the process of elimination by asking an initial, extra question. Simply choose the three answers you prefer to make your decision. Now, sit down here where you can’t see them. LEELA: Why may I not see them? CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Because you’re supposed to decide from the answers alone. Shall we make a start? LEELA: But I *know* what they look like. I also know very well what their voices sound like. CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Those are the rules. Sit down if you would like this over with before the universe finally falls apart around us. You do not get to leave until you make a decision and neither does anyone else. Now, the first question to decide who gets to stay here and have a chance with this charming …ly vicious savage… is: You have an evening off and you decide to treat Leela to a night out. What do you do and where do you take her? DOCTOR: Firstly, I resent my inclusion in this farrago of nonsense and, secondly, I’ve taken her plenty of places already. What’s more, I have planets to save. [Marches off, scarf thrown over shoulder] Cheerio! Hearts broken, indeed. CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Doctor. DOCTOR: She’s a primitive savage and I’m a Time Lord! Be realistic. Besides, I’m busy. [The DOCTOR heads off out of sight past the cameras] OTHER CANDIDATES: That’s a bit insulting / Full of himself, isn’t he? [etc. etc.] CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Leela? LEELA [shrugs]: Well, I *am* a savage and he *is* a Time Lord. I will go and help him. CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: [catching at her arm] No, you won’t. Not until we’ve finished. Now, what about the rest of you? COLBY: I don’t know what’s supposed to be going on here, but it can’t be real. I must be dreaming and I’m not going to talk to figments of my imagination. POUL: For the rest of our sakes, couldn’t you try? If it is a dream, what harm will it do? COLBY: I suppose that’s true. Of course, I could just be going crazy. POUL: [putting a hand to his mouth and turning wry] There is always that option, yes. CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Can someone actually answer the question? CORDO: What’s an evening off? Do we have to pay tax on it? COLBY: Sounds as though someone needs to have a word with his union. CORDO: Well, the Company never allowed us things like that, you see. This being free takes some getting used to. POUL: Oh, the *Company*. What did you expect? CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: [hoping for sense from someone] Commander Andred? How about you? ANDRED: Now wait. Don’t rush me. I take it this is a theoretical question? In that case, I’ve got all of time and space to choose from. It could take a while. LITEFOOT [glancing round in confusion]: I don’t see it’s such a difficult question as all that. I admit it has been some time since I considered entertaining a young lady for the evening, but I would imagine a meal and a trip to the theatre should suffice. There’s some rather decent stuff about these days. [LEELA gets up] CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: And where are you going? LEELA: You heard the Professor. He is going to take me to the theatre! CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: It’s merely a hypothetical proposition. LEELA: It’s a hypo – hypo -. What did you say? CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: It’s just pretend. LEELA: Then what is the point? ANDRED: [finally coming up with something] I should think Andria 4, fifty-third period would do nicely. LEELA: [frowning] What is that? CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Listen, we have to narrow this down somehow. I’m not going on with all five of these idiots here. LEELA: I can make my own decisions. It is not easy, but the Doctor has left and while I like Cordo I do not think I wish to marry him. And I am afraid that Poul was damaged. CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Are you sure? I can’t say I think much of your remaining choices. LEELA: Yes. I am sure. [CORDO and POUL vanish and the other three take their seats on the other side of the screen] CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Now for the first question proper: where would you take Leela on your ideal, romantic honeymoon? LITEFOOT: Good heavens. ANDRED: [frowning] Er. Honey moon? What’s that? COLBY: Camping. CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Professor Colby, can we please take this seriously? COLBY: I don’t see why I should. Torquay? LITEFOOT: It strikes me as a damned impudent question, but if the fellow must know I always thought Italy-. I assume we’re still talking rhetorically here – money no object and all that? If not, I fear it may have to be a week in the Lake District. ANDRED: Well, if someone could explain what it is we’re talking about -. LEELA: And me. COLBY: Obviously, as you say, this is entirley hypothetical, but surely it would have made sense to ask Leela where she wanted to go? CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: I suppose I should have expected no more from this useless lot. LEELA: It is a stupid question. If I like someone, I do not mind where we go. I shall ask the questions now. CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Why not? LEELA [pleased]: I can ask? CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Please do. LEELA: Which weapon would you prefer – a well-made bow, a sharp knife or a sturdy axe? COLBY: So, is this for the honeymoon or are we still on the first date? CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Professor, if I have to warn you one more time -. ANDRED [relieved at having a straight-forward question]: Personally, I’d prefer an up-to-date laser weapon with a stun setting – a bit more civilised – but, given the choice, I would have to say a bow. CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: You are supposed to add why, preferably something coy about Cupid and arrows. ANDRED: I am? I was only thinking that they did let us study archery at the academy and I wasn’t too bad at it. Seemed the sensible option. LEELA [getting up again, a light in her eyes]: Then I shall challenge you to -. CELESTIAL TOYMAKER [putting a hand to her arm]: Remember, we have to finish this, my dear. LEELA: Get your hands off me. And I am *not* your dear. CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Why not? You seem to have the rest of the cosmos at your feet. LITEFOOT: Hmm. I can’t have the Chinese fowling piece this time? Probably as well. An axe, then. CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: [sounding bored] And *why*. LITEFOOT: I’m not sure. Never had a try with a bow and it looks complicated and a knife seems – well – somewhat uncouth. CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: And do we have any more witticisms to add, Professor Colby? COLBY: Must we go about killing things? If I have to, the knife then. For self-defence. [ANDRED and LITEFOOT look at COLBY] COLBY: Well, excuse me for not being a bloodthirsty, murdering psychopath. [LEELA gets up again.] CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: And where are you going now? LEELA: To ask my next question. Perhaps it is more of a test, but you said I could choose. CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: You aren’t supposed to see them until after you decide. LEELA: I told you. I have already seen them many times. CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Oh, if you insist. Go ahead. [LEELA rounds the screen and reaches ANDRED] LEELA: [looking up at ANDRED] Kiss me. ANDRED: What?! Here? In front of everyone? LEELA: Yes. CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: That is what I call cheating. LEELA: You did not say that I could *not* ask a practical question. It is more sensible than yours. [Turning back to ANDRED] Andred, I am *waiting*. [ANDRED coughs and moves forward to kiss LEELA awkwardly] LEELA: Thank you. Now, Professor Colby -. COLBY [grinning as she moves across] I don’t know what this delusion is, but it’s improving rapidly. [Kisses LEELA with enthusiasm] [LEELA moves on to LITEFOOT and waits] [LITEFOOT kisses her. On the hand.] [LEELA pouts.] LITEFOOT: I am sorry, my dear, but this is dashed improper. We’re not even engaged! [LEELA grabs LITEFOOT and kisses *him*.] CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Well, let’s hope that’s finally brought you to a decision. Care to refresh our memories, Graham? V/O: I’d rather not. Romantic *isn’t* the word, we may safely conclude. Here goes: So, our lovely Leela’s choices are as follows: Eminent criminologist Professor Litefoot, who’ll treat her like a lady with a trip to the theatre and whisk her round the Italian lakes. Just watch out – he’s handy with an axe. LITEFOOT: I said nothing of the sort. I don’t know who this fellow is, but the bounder is twisting my words. V/O: Then there’s the dashing Gallifreyan Commander Andred who – if I understood his typical dull Gallifreyan terminology correctly – wishes to take her on a trip to the Death’s Head Desert on the planet of Velasius in the middle of its most vicious civil war. ANDRED: Oh. Maybe it was the fifty-first period? Anyhow, you know that wasn’t what I meant, you -. V/O: How should I? Given the lady in question, it sounded entirely appropriate. LEELA: Who *is* that? I shall hunt you down once we are done here! V/O: [coughs] Nevertheless, she’ll be shot through the heart at his prowess with a bow and arrow. ANDRED: I had *no* idea it was going to be this humiliating. V/O: And that’s it, unless – oh, yes, we have sceptical palaeontologist Adam Colby who’ll give her the traditional English experience of camping in Devon – in the rain, no doubt. If they make it there, since he’d like her to give him the directions. He’ll be bringing his Swiss Army knife, so you’ll at least be able to get at the tinned food, I suppose. He may think it’s a dream, but it sounds like a nightmare to me. Frankly, my dear, unless he’s a great kisser-. CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: You’re not really getting the hang of this, are you? Difficult as it may be in this case, you are supposed to make them sound better, not worse. Nor are you supposed to attempt to influence the candidate’s decisions. I wish people would abide by the rules. In my realm things are far better run. V/O: Get your last guy back if you don’t like my style. CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Impossible. He ran off with every single contestant we ever had. It was growing tiring. V/O: [pause] Captain Jack, I take it? CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Indeed. You can imagine. V/O: I’d rather not. LEELA: Can I have the others back as well? Perhaps I was hasty. CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: No. Make your decision! LEELA: Very well. It has been interesting, but I shall go with the Doctor. He will need my help to save that planet. He always does. [LEELA runs off] CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Hmm. Not the outcome I had predicted, but perhaps it will do. I think this means that you three are now my prisoners -. [He is silenced by a knife thrown at him from off-screen] LITEFOOT: [looking to COLBY and ANDRED] I think, gentlemen, it would be prudent to run at this point. COLBY: It would have been prudent to run in the first place. Let’s go! ANDRED: [turning noble] Go on. I shall remain here and cover your exit. [COLBY and LITEFOOT look at each other and drag ANDRED off after them.] STAGE-HAND: [from the side of the studio] Oh. Was I not meant to give her her weapon back yet? V/O: I suppose I’ll have to finish this then, will I? It wasn’t in my contract, but: Join us again next week when Peri finally has the chance to decide which evil, deformed genius she loathes the least: Sharez Jek, The Borad or The Master. [Pause] Wait… Evil genius, I grant you, but *deformed*? CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: [picking himself up and causing the knife to vanish]: And, tell me, how tall was your former self when he first met Peri? V/O: Ah. True. There you have me. CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: These things are far better organised in my realm. [sighs] [Lights dim and the music plays. Credits roll. Probably heads as well.] THE END. *** Disclaimer: I do not own any of Doctor Who. All the characters here are property of the BBC and BBC Wales and their original authors. Blind Date must, I suppose by copyright of one of the ITV franchises of the time. I did my best to avoid it at the time, but it wasn’t possible. br/>