TTR: Bric-a-brac By V. Jewitt Right, so the Ninth Doctor walks into an old-fashioned hardware store and asks for a sonic screwdriver… (With One Doctor, Two Ronnies and surprisingly little innuendo.) *** Nine entered Nameless’s handy new hardware store, looking around him at the scruffy shelves, long counter and endless boxes of odd objects from all corners of the universe. This was definitely the right sort of place, he decided and approached the shop owner, a white-haired heavily-built man who was leaning on the counter. His fellow, a short, dark-haired man, was at the other end of the counter recounting a long, tedious story about his last holiday to a distinctly unimpressed Nyder. “Right, sir. What can I do you for?” asked the shop-keeper cheerfully. He stepped up to the wooden counter. “Well, I’ve just been through the Time War, and I need -.” /“-a weekend break on Morecambe Major in the Venticulus System-.”/ He glanced warily over at the smaller man who was engrossed in his story and shrugged. “A sonic screwdriver.” “Right you are, sir.” He glanced at him and said, “Makes a change, that does. You’re the first person in this morning who hasn’t wanted -.” /“-a date with Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart-.”/ “Four candles,” he finished as the Doctor couldn’t help his gaze straying again. “Don’t know what it is, you’d think there must have been some kind of -.” /“-Disgusting display in the spaceport-.”/ “Power cut. Mind you, something must have been up, what with that -.” /“-penguin-.”/ “Sniggering. Now, we’re right out of sonic screwdrivers, I’m afraid, sir. All I’ve got is this -.” /“-rotten old fishing rod-.”/ “Sonic lipstick.” The Ninth Doctor stared at it blankly. “Sonic lipstick? Who’d use that?” /“- Isaac Newton, I’ll have you know!”/ The man looked at it in some curiosity himself. “Beats me. What about a sonic pen, then? This one -.” /"-turned up in the Brigadier's luggage."/ "Is supposed to be very good. Failing that," he said, slamming a shoebox onto the counter with pride, "I've got a load of your actual plain screwdriver screwdrivers. What do you say about that, then?" /“-Ooh, no, I’ve given them up -.”/ Nine frowned. “Is he doing that on purpose?” “What?” asked the shop-keeper in total lack of comprehension. “I don’t follow you, there, sir but -.” /“- that bridge did look a bit rickety -.”/ “Maybe I can interest you in one or two other items? Now, how about this -.” /“-revolting multi-coloured coat-.”/ He folded his arms. “Look, I just wanted a sonic screwdriver. Are you sure you haven’t got one somewhere?” “Well, I’ll check out the back for you. Might be one out there-.” /“-on the end of my rod-.”/ “Thanks,” said the Doctor and waited, whistling at the ceiling. From out the back a voice called, “No, nothing here but a -.” /“-squid monster with fifty tentacles!”/ When the older man reappeared, the Doctor said, “Look, I know there’s something going on here -.” “Going on?” he said. “I don’t know what it is you’re insinuating, sir, but I can assure you -.” /“-I’m never going there again even if you paid me!”/ “All I’m trying to do is find what you asked for and now you’re complaining -.” /“-Complaining? I should say I am. The hotel was damp, dark and cramped, a Squid Monster tried to eat us and you charged us extra for breakfast.”/ The man smiled at the Ninth Doctor, who edged away. “I only wanted a -.” / “-dozen sink plungers!”/ Nyder and the Ninth Doctor glared at each other. “Sonic screwdriver,” he said. “Look, now you’ve got us doing it as well. It’s gotta be the shop, or something dodgy in here that’s making us -.” /“-answer to Davros!”/ Just as both customers were on the verge of walking out, the two men glanced at each other and while the shorter one stomped off to reappear with a large armful of sink plungers, the taller put his hand back in the box and pulled out a sonic screwdriver. “Well, will you look at that?” he said, expecting the Doctor to share his amusement. “Must have been in there all along, the little b-.” He folded his arms. “Okay, mate, here’s the cash. I’m not saying anything else until -.” / “-you’re sure they’re fully adjustable?”/ Nine turned on Nyder. “You shut up, as well. It’s only encouraging them!” * Once they’d gone, the two Ronnies looked at each other. “You’ve been telling that squid story for the past ten years. You’ll have to think about something new. What about that time you went to -?” “Androzani Minor?” “No, no, A-.” “Auntie Hilda’s?” “Nah. No, when you went out -.” “A-wassailing?” “To a cottage in the Lake District,” he finished. He thought about this. “I never. It was the Peak District.” “You know,” said the other Ronnie, leaving that topic behind him, “I could have sworn there weren’t any sonic screwdrivers in that box. Rum, isn’t it?” His friend perked up. “Rum, did you say?” “Anyhow, that’ll make him think twice before the other eight of him try that fork handles lark again…” *** And in case you’re wondering, here’s the other Ronnie’s ‘fishy’ tale of his holiday with Six, Peri, Frobisher and Brigadier Lethbridge- Stewart on the lake-filled continent on Morecambe Minor. Well, I though it might be fun to have a weekend break on Morecambe Major in the Venticulus System, so I fixed up a date with Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart and the Sixth Doctor and Peri. Of course, it turned out he’d brought the annoying penguin. He put on a disgusting display in the spaceport, catching fish in his mouth and letting Peri think he was cute. Now, that girl’s got a considerable collection of assets, even if she didn’t seem keen on looking at my stamp collection. Turns out when we got there my fishing rod had gone missing in the hold and all the Doctor had spare was a rotten old fishing rod. I told him I wasn’t using that thing but he said, “It belonged to Isaac Newton, I’ll have you know!” Luckily mine turned up in the Brigadier’s luggage. And then when the Brigadier caught a fish and was offering to cook it before Frobisher got near it, the Doctor was all “Ooh, no, I’ve given them up. I’m a vegetarian.” So what did he want to come for? That was when the trouble started then. Peri got trapped on the little island – I mean, the Brigadier had said that bridge did look a bit rickety, but would she listen? There wasn’t anything I could do, what with my asthma – oh, yes, I’m a terrible martyr to it – but the Doctor flung off his revolting multi-coloured coat and started swimming out to the rescue. He only got halfway before I felt something tugging on the end of my rod and it turned out to be a giant squid monster with fifty tentacles! Well, none of us felt like going on the pleasure steamer after that, I can tell you. If that thing hadn’t been so put off by one bite of the Doctor, we’d all have been lunch. After that, I’m never going there again even if you paid me. I had a word with the manager before I left. He looked down at me – he was a tall fellow – and had the nerve to say was I complaining? “Complaining? I should say I am. The hotel was damp, dark and cramped, a Squid Monster tried to eat us and they charged us extra for breakfast,” I told him. Well, he called it breakfast, but personally I’m always a bit unsure when it tries to fight back. Next time I’m going to Spain. * Look, given the nature of the BBC, where else would the Doctor go for a sonic screwdriver? Doctor Who is copyright of the BBC, presumably so are The Two Ronnies, in some way, Frobisher DWM.