| Contents | Part 2 |
Harold Saxon bounded into the nursery, gesturing rudely at the Dalek sentinels as he passed them.
"My lady," he said, bowing ironically to Izzy. "You called me, and I came. What is your command?"
Izzy, who had her sleeves rolled up to the elbows and looked damp and harrassed, glared at him.
"You know perfectly well," she said. "I need a story told. Quickly. I've got other fish to fry."
"Oho." A grin spread across the Master's face. "You mean you're trusting me to go solo?"
"I don't have a choice. But don't get any bright ideas — I've chosen the story for you. It's a Sherlock Holmes."
The Master had been in the middle of an elaborate pout, but he brightened up at once.
"Any murders?" he asked.
"Just the one. If I hear of any more you'll be in trouble."
There was a wail from the kitchen.
"It's all right, Peri, I'm coming back," Izzy called. She looked heavenward. "How that child got her finger stuck in the tap I do not know. And in case that wasn't enough, the stopcock's jammed. You get in there and keep everyone else out from under my feet, or... or else."
"You won't regret this," the Master promised.
He made for the storyteller's chair, a spring in his step.
Master / Narrator :
It was a cold, frosty winter's evening. Holmes and Watson had been out for a walk...[221B Baker Street. Leela and Martha enter. Martha is dressed as a Victorian gentleman; Leela wears an ulster over her usual skins. She crosses to the table. There is a business card on it, which she picks up and looks at for some time.]
Leela / Holmes :
What does this say?[She hands it to Martha.]
Martha / Watson :
It's from someone called Charles Augustus Milverton. He says he's going to call at half-six.Leela / Holmes :
Who is he, this Milverton?Martha [sotto voce] :
You're supposed to tell me.Leela :
How can I tell you what I do not know myself?Martha [sotto voce] :
You'll have to think of something.[A pause.]
Leela / Holmes :
You must discover what is said of him in the books of lore, Watson.Martha [sotto voce] :
Not bad. That's almost in character.[She crosses to the bookcase and pulls out a large volume.]
Martha / Watson [reading] :
"He is the king of all the blackmailers. Heaven help the man, and still more the woman, whose secret and reputation come into the power of Milverton. With a smiling face and a heart of marble he will squeeze and squeeze until he has drained them dry. The fellow..."Leela / Holmes :
Enough. I see clearly what kind of man he is.[Martha / Watson puts the book away. The sound of a carriage is heard, and she goes to the window and looks out.]
Martha / Watson :
So do I. He's arrived.[The door opens, and the Editor from 'The Long Game' enters, wearing the appropriate astrakhan overcoat. He closes the door behind him, turns, and smiles.]
Editor / Milverton:
I must apologise for...[He trails off and looks down. A knife is protruding from his chest. He stares in amazement at Leela / Holmes, coughs up blood, and dies.]
Leela :
You are no man. You are a snake, a venomous reptile that preys on unhappy creatures who cannot defend themselves. Your body shall be fed to the swine, and your head placed on a stake as a warning to those who would follow your example.[During this tirade, Martha has been trying to attract Leela's attention. In the end, she gives up and just folds her arms.]
Little Leela danced around the room, whooping in triumph. Jamie, Ben and Steven screamed their approval. Victoria just screamed.
"What's going on in here?" Izzy demanded, bursting in. Silence fell instantly.
"We got to the murder a little early," the Master explained unapologetically. "Nothing to do with me, honest guv, cross my hearts and hope to be spanked until the script gets pulled and replaced with 'The Krotons'." He gave her his least sincere smile. "It was all Leela's doing."
"I can't leave you alone for two minutes together." Izzy looked as if she was ready to brain someone. "All right. One. Last. Chance."
She turned and left.
[221B, again. Martha is where she was, but Jo has replaced Leela, and there is no Milverton.]
Jo :
What? What's happening?Martha [sighs] :
You're Sherlock Holmes.Jo / Holmes :
Really? Super! Can you fill me in?Martha / Watson :
The repulsive blackmailer Charles Augustus Milverton is going to call. He has several letters which Lady Eva Brackwell wrote to an impecunious young squire...
"What's impy-curious?" Dark Sam asked.
"Impecunious," the Master said. "It means he didn't have very much money. And if you'd been paying proper attention you could have worked that out from the context."
"What's a context?" was the inevitable followup question, this time from Blonde Sam. The Master pretended he hadn't heard.
Martha / Watson :
And Milverton has threatened to send the letters to the Earl of Dovercourt unless a large sum of money is paid him.
"What would the Earl want wiv someone else's letters?" Scouse Sam asked.
"Sit quietly and listen and you'll find out," the Master snapped. "If not then I'll stop the story and get Adric to read you the 'Principia Mathematica' instead."
That threat seemed to work, at least for now.
Jo / Holmes :
So, he's got the letters, and we have to persuade him to give them to us?Martha / Watson :
I think more "pay" than "persuade." [She looks out of the window.] Here he comes now.[Cassandra glides in, accompanied by her guards. Milverton's coat is draped over her frame.]
Cassandra / Milverton :
I do regret that we missed meeting each other earlier. Now, this is a very delicate matter...Martha / Watson :
Yeah, we know.Cassandra / Milverton :
You say that you are acting for Lady Eva. Has she empowered you to accept my terms?Jo / Holmes :
Um, what terms?Cassandra / Milverton :
Seven thousand pounds. [To her guards] Moisturise me![They do so.]
Jo / Holmes :
Oh dear. That's a bit expensive, isn't it? Wouldn't it be much less trouble if Lady Eva just told the Earl about the letters and said it was all a misunderstanding?Cassandra / Milverton :
You evidently do not know the Earl. If the money is not paid on the 14th there certainly will be no marriage on the 18th.Jo / Holmes :
Well, could you manage some sort of discount?Cassandra / Milverton :
Out of the question.Jo / Holmes [aside, to Martha] :
I don't think I'm doing very well here. Any ideas?Martha / Watson [aside] :
If she's got the letters on her, we could take them by force.Jo / Holmes :
Do you happen to have the letters with you now?Cassandra / Milverton :
Of course not.Jo / Holmes :
Oh dear. That's that plan out of the window. Can you let us think about it, and we'll be in touch closer to the 14th?Cassandra / Milverton :
Of course. My pleasure.[She glides out.]
Jo :
I think I could have handled that better.Martha :
Actually, it was pretty close to the original plot. Certainly closer than Leela could have done.Jo :
So now what do I do?Martha :
You disguise yourself as a plumber...[Before she can finish Jo has made for the bedroom, returning seconds later dressed as a plumber and carrying a length of copper pipe and a bag of tools.]
Jo [breathlessly] :
Yes, then what?Martha :
Then you go out and chat up Milverton's housemaid.Jo :
Ooh, sounds like fun. Just a moment, though. [She furrows her brow in thought.] When you say 'chat up'...Martha :
You end up engaged to her.Jo :
But hang on, if I'm a woman, and so's she—Martha :
Look, it's all just make-believe anyway. Besides, I'm not playing the maid so it'll be Jamie in drag, won't it? You'll be a woman playing a man and he'll be a man playing a woman and it'll all work out.Jo :
Oh, of course. You're so clever, Martha. [She dashes out.]Martha [resignedly] :
Watson.[The lights dim to indicate the passage of time. The hands of the clock move round several hours.
Jo reappears, exhausted and looking as if she's been dragged through a hedge backwards.]
Martha :
How did it go?Jo :
Well, it wasn't a woman. And it wasn't Jamie.Martha :
So?Jo :
It was a Dalek.Martha :
You're kidding! That must have been terrible. How did you get away?Jo :
Oh no, it wasn't bad at all. I get on very well with Daleks. He's very handsome, all silver and red. He was so complimentary about my plunger...Martha [Clamping her hands over her ears] :
La la la, I can't hear you, la la la.Jo :
And I've arranged to see him again tomorrow. I hope that's all right. I'm going to polish all his hemispheres...Martha [Hands still over ears] :
La la la, la la la...[Fade to black.]
| Contents | Part 2 |