Look Who's Talking Story Time!
Kate Crackernuts.

"So, kids," said Izzy, taking out the storybook, "Who wants a
fairy tale *without* blood in it?"

There was a distinct lack of enthusiasm from the floor.

"Victoria?" she prompted, remembering who had liked Saxon's
versions the least.

"Mister Saxon's right," the girl pouted, "Not about blood, but
about the girls in the stories. They don't *do* anything!"

"Yeah!" agreed Baby Martha, "I want a story where the princess
has to rescue the prince!"

"Not a wimp who just hangs around waiting for things to
happen." concluded Baby Sarah.

"Okay," smiled Izzy. "Girl power, is it? Well, this story is
called..." she opened the book and blinked, "Kate Crackernuts?
Maybe that's a bit *too* girl power, not to mention
violent..."

She shrugged, and began to read...

**********

[Storyspace: The royal palace, looking much the same as it did
in all the previous stories]

NARRATOR:
A long time ago there lived a king and queen.

[The FOURTH DOCTOR and JACKIE TYLER enter, in suitably royal
outfits]

FOURTH:
I'm not dead this time, I just don't get involved much...

NARRATOR:
They had a daughter each. Um, I assume that means they're both
on their second marriage, and the daughters are stepsisters,
but it's not clear. Anyway, the King's daughter was called
Anne, and was exceptionally beautiful.

[Enter ROSE, in a Disney princess dress, beaming radiantly]

ROSE:
Well, let's see how long it takes me to get recast this time.
Exceptionally beautiful, eh?

NARRATOR:
Yes, well. The Queen's daughter was called Kate, and she was
less beautiful.

[Enter ACE, in a somewhat more realistic medieval dress]

ACE:
Someone is gonna die for this.

NARRATOR:
Anyway, Kate was not jealous of her sister's looks...

ACE:
Too right I'm not! Has anyone else noticed her teeth don't
actually fit in her mouth? And...

NARRATOR (flatly):
...because she was such a kind and generous person. However,
her mother...

JACKIE:
What? I'm the evil stepmother? Jealous of my own Rose? No,
that's just not on.

NARRATOR:
Right, from now on I'm just going to ignore out-of-character
comments, and carry on regardless.

Her mother, as I was saying, was very jealous that Anne was...

[Close up on ACE's expression]

...unaccountably more popular than Kate, so she met up with
the henwife, who was also an evil witch.

[SCENE: The henwife's cottage. JACKIE is on the other side of
a table from LILITH THE CARRIONITE]

JACKIE:
You know, there's typecasting, and then there's just total
lack of imagination.

LILITH:
If you wish this story's hook,
To be the loss of Anne's good looks,
Send her to me at the dawn,
But mind she eats not, ere she's gone.

JACKIE:
Is all this rhyming really necessary?

LILITH:
My answer to that must be yes... essary.

NARRATOR:
And so the next morning...

[SCENE: The palace kitchens. JACKIE and ROSE are bustling
about doing kitcheny things]

NARRATOR:
...the Queen sent Anne to fetch some eggs from the henwife.

ROSE:
Hang on. We're *royalty*. Shouldn't we have servants who work
in the kitchens and fetch eggs and stuff?

NARRATOR:
Maybe. But you don't. Deal with it.

ROSE:
Okay, fine. Can I have breakfast first?

JACKIE:
No, the eggs *are* breakfast.

ROSE:
Right. Got it.

[She exits, and we follow her into the glade]

NARRATOR:
But once she left the palace, Anne bought a bacon roll to eat
on the way... Shouldn't that be a crust of bread from the
kitchens?

ROSE (with her mouth full):
But I'm *hungry*.

NARRATOR:
Okay, fine. She finished her bacon roll, and arrived at the
henwife's cottage.

[ROSE arrives at the cottage, and LILITH lets her in]

ROSE:
Hi. I'm here to pick up the eggs?

LILITH:
The eggs are all in yonder pot,
See for yourself, there's quite a lot.

[ROSE goes to a large pot, opens the lid, and peers inside]

ROSE:
No eggs.

LILITH:
Aquiring eggs is getting harder,
Tell your mam to mind her larder.

[SCENE: Back in the palace kitchen]

NARRATOR:
So Anne returned home, and told her stepmother what had
happened.

JACKIE:
Well, never mind then. We'll just have to have eggs for
breakfast tomorrow instead. And don't eat junk on the way and
spoil your appetite.

ROSE:
No, Mum.

NARRATOR:
But the next morning Anne stopped to buy a poke of chips. What
is it with New Who characters eating chips all the time? And
what's a "poke" of chips?

**********

Izzy noticed Baby Jamie had his hand up. "Yes, Jamie?"

"A poke means a wee bag," Jamie explained, "This is a Scots
story, y'see. I mind my mam tellin' it to me."

"Shame your adult self isn't in it," muttered baby Victoria,
"He might know what's going on for a change."

**********
NARRATOR:
So she had her chips, and arrived at the henwife.

ROSE:
Hello? Any eggs here today?

LILITH:
The eggs are all in yonder pot,
Honest, this time, there's quite a lot.

[ROSE looks into the pot again]

ROSE:
Nope. Still no eggs.

LILITH:
Aquiring eggs is getting harder,
Tell your mam to mind her larder.

NARRATOR:
So Anne returned home and...

ROSE:
Sorry, am I not meant to be at all suspicious at this point? I
thought this was supposed to be a story where the heroine
*wasn't* dozy?

NARRATOR:
Well, yes, but you aren't the heroine, Kate is. You're a plot
device.

ROSE:
Oh, thanks very much.

NARRATOR:
And from now on, I'm *definitely* ignoring out-of-character
comments. Anyway, the next morning, the queen took Anne to the
henwife herself.

[JACKIE and ROSE walk across the glade, past the fried fish
stall, the sausage-in-a-bun cart, and the kebab van]

ROSE:
Could we just...

JACKIE:
No! We're going to get eggs, and then I'll do you and Kate a
nice omelette, okay?

ROSE:
Izzy, does the storytime stuff affect Mum's cooking abilities
in any way?

NARRATOR:
I'm ignoring out-of-character comments, remember?

ROSE:
'Cos if it doesn't, can I just have museli?

JACKIE:
Oi! Anyway, it'll all be happening now, it always does the
third time.

[They arrive at the henwife's cottage]

JACKIE:
Good day, Mistress Henwife. Wouldst you happen to have any
eggs for us this fine day?

NARRATOR:
Don't milk it.

JACKIE (sotto voce):
I dunno, first she complains when we aren't in character...

LILITH:
The eggs are all in yonder pot,
Third time lucky, you get the lot.

JACKIE:
Well, there you are then. Go and get the eggs, Anne.

ROSE:
Mum, there's no eggs in there. There's never any eggs in
there.

JACKIE:
Just go and look, girl.

[ROSE goes over and looks in the pot. And screams. When she
raises her head, she has a sheep's head]

ROSE:
Baa!

JACKIE:
Oh, my Lord! I mean... Hah, that'll teach you to be prettier
than my Kate.

ROSE:
Baa!

JACKIE:
Seriously, will she be okay?

NARRATOR:
Yeah, Storytime hardly ever leaves permenent side-effects.

ROSE:
Baa???

NARRATOR:
Hardly ever, yes. And so they returned to the palace, where
Kate was horrified to see her sister.

ACE:
Oh, I am still in this, am I?

[She sees ROSE, and makes a suitable attempt to look
horrified, or at least not collapse with laughter]

Oh no, mother, what have you done? I shall wrap a fine linen
cloth around Anne's head, and we shall go out to seek a cure.
We could start by asking the henwife.

NARRATOR:
I don't think she'll co-operate.

ACE:
Bet she does. Everyone co-operates with Nitro Nine.

NARRATOR:
There is to be *no* Nitro Nine in this story, understand?

ACE:
What sort of empowered heroine doesn't have access to high
explosives?

ROSE:
Baa!

NARRATOR:
So Kate and Anne set out to seek their fortunes. Which will be
in the second post. I mean, after you kids have drunk your
milk.

TO BE CONTINUED.


Part Two

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