Storytime! The Adventure of the Engineer's Thumb

As he made his way to the Look Who's Talking Pre-School Nursery, Harry Saxon— or, to give him his proper title, the Master— was not in a good mood. Not only were the streets full of Christmas shoppers, but all the shops were playing saccharine Christmas music, or some ear-jangling approximation thereto, and none of it was quite in time with the drums in his head.

He pushed the door of the nursery open, and wondered for the hundredth time why he hadn't yet got round to killing every last child in the place. In theory murdering innocent children was exactly the sort of policy he'd want as the central plank of his manifesto. Moreover, these were toddler versions of all the people who annoyed him — the Doctor, his sappy companions, lesser villains who couldn't hope to match his evil exploits, and, most infuriating of all, the little baby versions of himself.

As he stepped into the main room, he was just in time to witness the Christmas tree toppling in a shower of shattered baubles, ripped paper chains, and shredded tinsel. The little Tenth Doctor, balancing precariously on a stepladder and clutching a large paper star, was attempting to present the impression that whatever had just happened, he had nothing to do with it. The Master mentally awarded him seven out of ten for effort, and minus thirty for his chances of convincing anyone.

And for the hundredth time, the Master remembered why he had suffered these vexatious tinies to live. For one such as himself, who gloried in chaos and destruction, these kids were a continual inspiration.

His suggestion that he distract the children with a story while the staff repaired the tree was accepted eagerly, and in practically no time he was sitting at the centre of a circle of expectant toddlers.

"Well now," he said. "Since Christmas is nearly upon us, I thought I might read you all something innocent, joyful and heartwarming."

He paused to gauge the reaction of his audience. The children didn't seem particularly enthused by the idea.

Baby Jack took his thumb out of his mouth. "Boring," he declared.

"I wanna story wiv vampires," the little Tenth Doctor said. "An' werewolfs an' sword fights an' giant spiders an' spaceships an' robots..."

"If it hasn't got Daleks it's rubbish," little Davros said firmly.

"Nevertheless," the Master said. "Heartwarming is what you're going to get. So I shall now read you 'The Night Before Christmas'... Not!"

He opened the storybook.

"Gather round, my little terrors," he said. "And listen to Sherlock Holmes in the Adventure of the Engineer's Thumb."

Master / Narrator:
One morning, at a little before seven o'clock, Doctor Watson was woken by the maid tapping on the door.

[A middle-class Victorian bedroom, dimly lit. Captain Jack Harkness is on his own in a double bed.]

Captain Jack:
Hang on a minute. Haven't you forgotten something?

Master / Narrator:
Like what?

Captain Jack:
Watson's supposed to be newly married. Where's his wife?

Master / Narrator:
Let you have a wife? In a story for children? You must think I'm mad. [He pauses briefly.] Now you mention it, I am mad. Let there be Watson's wife.

[The blankets move suddenly, as a person materialises in the bed beside Jack. A tousled blonde head pokes out.]

Captain Jack / Watson:
Well, hello there. What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?

Jenny (for it is she):
Keep back. [She jumps out of the bed, revealing that she's dressed in her fatigues, crouches defensively in the corner of the room, and whips out a knife.] Don't you dare come any closer.

Captain Jack / Watson:
Hey, I don't know what your daddy told you about me, but there's no need for that kind of reaction.

Jenny / Mrs. Watson:
You're a fixed point. You're wrong. If you come any closer I shall be forced to defend myself.

Captain Jack / Watson [sighs]:
Some marriage this has turned out to be. Oh well, bring on the maid.

[There is a tap at the door. Martha enters, dressed as a maid.]

Martha:
I think you ought to know I'm not at all impressed. Why am I always the maid?

Master / Narrator:
I don't like it any more than you. I told you before, Jones, you're nothing but trouble. If I hear any of your lip you're getting an anvil dropped on you.

Martha:
Yeah, well, let's get it over with. [She turns to Jack.] I'm sorry to wake you so early, sir, but that weird bloke from the railway's here again. He's brought in another hard-luck case for you to look at.

Captain Jack / Watson:
Now, Martha, don't look a gift horse in the mouth. I'll come and see what he wants.

[He throws back the sheets. We don't see what (if anything) he's wearing, but Martha does. She puts both hands to her mouth, stares for a moment in stupefaction, and then runs off laughing hysterically.]

[Watson's surgery. The Tenth Doctor, wearing his brown suit and with a red-stained handkerchief wrapped round his hand, is sitting beside Professor Yana, who is wearing a railway uniform. Captain Jack / Watson enters, dressed in his normal RAF uniform.]

Yana [trying, and failing, to do a working-class cockney accent]:
Here he is, Guv'nor. Now I got to get back to my duties.

[He leaves.]

Captain Jack / Watson:
Um. Thanks, I suppose. Now, what have we here?

Tenth Doctor / Victor:
My name is Victor Hatherley. I am sorry to knock you up so early...

Captain Jack / Watson:
Hey, if it's you, I'm agreeable. [He waggles his eyebrows suggestively.]

Tenth Doctor / Victor:
But I have had a very serious accident during the night. Take a look at this.

[He unwraps the handkerchief and holds out his hand, in such a way that his thumb appears to be missing. Copious quantities of tomato sauce are in evidence.]

Captain Jack / Watson:
Eurgh.

Most of the children joined in with that remark. The Master chuckled, and continued reading.

Captain Jack / Watson:
Nasty. This has been done by a very heavy and sharp instrument.

"No it hasn't," little Owen piped up. "That would leave a clean cut."

The Master silenced him with a glare.

Tenth Doctor / Victor:
Yes, something like a cleaver.

Captain Jack / Watson:
I suppose it's too much to hope that it was an accident?

Tenth Doctor / Victor:
Not a chance.

Captain Jack / Watson:
A murderous attack?

Tenth Doctor / Victor:
That's right.

Captain Jack / Watson:
OK, we'll come back to that. For now, let's see to your wound. Martha!

[Martha enters.]

Captain Jack / Watson:
Could you go and get the cotton wadding and the antiseptic bandages?

Martha:
What, aren't you gonna stitch up the wound?

Captain Jack / Watson:
Do I look like I know?

Martha:
And you want to give him something to deaden the pain.

Master / Narrator:
If you keep poking your nose in he'll get a blow on the head. And so will you.

Martha:
All right, all right.

[She departs. Captain Jack wraps a bandage round the Doctor's hand.]

Captain Jack / Watson:
Now, have some brandy. And then maybe we could take in a show, have a spot of dinner...

Tenth Doctor / Victor:
Thanks, but I've got to tell the police about this. It's an extraordinary story.

Captain Jack / Watson:
Oh, is it? Tell you what, scrap the dinner, and let's go and see my friend Sherlock Holmes.

Tenth Doctor / Victor:
I've heard of that fellow. Sounds like a plan. Allons-y.

Captain Jack / Watson:
OK. Martha! Call me a cab.

[Martha enters again.]

Martha:
All right then — you're a cab.

The toddlers, as one, groaned.

Captain Jack / Watson:
Oh, and tell my wife, if she needs me, I'll be at Baker Street.

Martha:
Yes, sir. [She stifles laughter.]

Captain Jack:
Look, what's so funny? Devil take you, Martha, why are you laughing?

Martha:
Watership Down pyjamas? Really?

Captain Jack:
Hey, you know what they say about rabbits.

"What do they say about rabbits?" little Mickey asked innocently.

"They've got shiny white teeth, silly," baby Rose said. "Just like Jack does."

"And shortly afterwards," the Master said, firmly ignoring this line of inquiry, "They arrived at Sherlock Holmes's house. He was lounging around in his dressing gown..."

[221B Baker Street. The Ninth Doctor is sitting there, in his usual leather jacket.]

Master / Narrator:
All right. He was sitting around in his favourite jacket. Like I care. He waited until Watson and his patient had had breakfast, and then listened to the remarkable story that unfolded...

Tenth Doctor / Victor:
You must know that I am an orphan and a bachelor—

Ninth Doctor / Holmes:
Yeah, I do. Bearing in mind I'm you.

Tenth Doctor / Victor:
Yes, well, anyway. I'm a qualified hydraulic engineer. For the last two years I've been trying to set up in business for myself. It's been a complete disaster. No-one wants to have anything to do with me. [He stares pitifully into the camera with his 'woe is me' expression.] And then, late yesterday afternoon, my clerk came in...

[Flashback. Victor's office. K-9 glides in.]

K-9:
Master. There is a visitor who wants to see you. Colonel Lysander Stark.

Tenth Doctor / Victor (vo):
Close at his heels came the colonel himself, a man rather over the middle size, but of an exceeding thinness. I do not think that I have ever seen so thin a man.

[The Abzorbaloff enters.]

Master / Narrator:
And we get a walking bucket of lard. I suppose that's par for the course.

Tenth Doctor / Victor (vo):
He had a slight German accent.

Abzorbaloff / Colonel Stark [in his usual Yorkshire accent]:
Eh up, lad. Got a little job for you.

Tenth Doctor / Victor:
Oh, yes?

Abzorbaloff / Colonel Stark:
Just before we start. You're a bachelor and an orphan, right?

Tenth Doctor / Victor:
Yes.

Abzorbaloff / Colonel Stark:
So if, by some unlikely accident, you for instance fell down a well and broke your neck, no-one would alert the police?

Tenth Doctor / Victor:
... I suppose not.

Abzorbaloff / Colonel Stark:
Splendid. You're the right man for the job.

Tenth Doctor / Victor:
And what is the job?

Abzorbaloff / Colonel Stark:
There's a hydraulic stamping machine that needs looking at. Can you come and give it the once-over? We'll pay you fifty guineas.

Tenth Doctor / Victor:
That's a very generous offer.

Abzorbaloff / Colonel Stark:
Precisely so. We shall want you to come tonight... Do I have to do the rest of this?

Master / Narrator:
What?

Tenth Doctor / Victor:
What?

Master / Narrator:
What?

Abzorbaloff:
I mean, the man's obviously a complete nitwit and he's eating out of my hand. All this persuading's a terrible waste of time when I could be down at the Covent Garden Opera House singing the lead role in Tosca and swallowing groupies whole.

Master / Narrator:
Tosca is supposed to be a woman.

Abzorbaloff:
Yeah, but it's amazing what you can do with skin-suits these days.

Master / Narrator:
I'll summarize if you promise not to give me any more mental images like that one.

Abzorbaloff:
Deal.

Master / Narrator:
So Colonel Stark spun Victor a great long yarn about how he was mining fuller's earth in secret and compressing it into bricks with a hydraulic press.

"What's fuller's earth?" little Donna asked.

"Oh, you should all know about that, my infuriating little cherubs," the Master replied. "It's used to treat nappy rash. So you can see it's a very valuable substance. Just imagine if we ever ran out of it."

He grinned at his audience's discomfort, and returned to the narrative.

Master / Narrator:
And he got Victor to promise that he would meet him that evening at Eyford station and not tell anyone where he was going.

Abzorbaloff / Colonel Stark:
Shake on it?

Tenth Doctor / Victor:
... There's genre blindness, and then there's suicidal recklessness. I don't think so.

Master / Narrator:
So, at quarter past eleven that night, idiot-boy ended up at Eyford station...

[Outside a quiet country station. A pantomime horse and carriage stand waiting.]

Tenth Doctor / Victor (vo):
I found my acquaintance of the morning waiting. Without a word he grasped my arm... oh no he didn't. He beckoned me into the carriage, and away we went as fast as the horse could go.

Ninth Doctor / Holmes (vo):
Just the one horse?

Tenth Doctor / Victor (vo):
That's right.

Ninth Doctor / Holmes (vo):
What colour was it?

Tenth Doctor / Victor (vo):
Chestnut.

Ninth Doctor / Holmes (vo):
Tired-looking or fresh?

Tenth Doctor / Victor (vo):
Fresh and glossy.

Ninth Doctor / Holmes (vo):
Briefs or boxers?

Tenth Doctor / Victor (vo):
What? It was a horse! It wasn't wearing either!

Pantomime horse (Adam's voice):
At least, not where you could see them.

Ninth Doctor / Holmes (vo):
Pray continue your most interesting statement.

Tenth Doctor / Victor (vo):
We drove for at least an hour.

[The pantomime horse lurches forward, pulling the carriage behind it.]

Tenth Doctor / Victor (vo):
The Colonel said it was seven miles, but I'd put it closer to twelve. Eventually we drew up outside a big house.

[A large, rather ramshackle house. The carriage draws up outside.]

Abzorbaloff / Colonel Stark:
Right. Out you get, lad.

[He hurries the Doctor into the house. All is dark.]

Abzorbaloff / Colonel Stark:
Now, where are those matches? I knew I had them somewhere...

Tenth Doctor / Victor (vo):
A woman appeared with a lamp in her hand.

[Donna approaches, holding a bicycle lamp.]

Tenth Doctor / Victor (vo):
She spoke a few words in a foreign tongue in a tone as though asking a question.

Donna:
Foreign language? I don't know any foreign languages!

Master / Narrator:
You've been on package holidays, haven't you? Didn't you learn anything from them?

Donna [hopefully]:
¿Où est lo Zeitschriftenhändler, por favor?

Master / Narrator:
Obviously not.

Tenth Doctor / Victor (vo):
Colonel Stark went up to her and whispered something in her ear.

Donna:
How dare you!?

[She shoves the lamp at him, and storms off, slamming the door behind her.]

Abzorbaloff / Colonel Stark:
Tch. Women, eh? Look, just wait in here for a bit.

[He leads the Doctor / Victor through another door. The room within is plainly furnished, containing only the basic necessities of life: a table, a couple of chairs, and a harmonium.]

Abzorbaloff / Colonel Stark:
Back in a tick.

[He departs.]

Tenth Doctor / Victor (vo):
There were some books on the table, but they were all in German. I paced up and down, humming a tune... and then my eye fell on the harmonium.

Master / Narrator:
No. It. Didn't.

Tenth Doctor:
Come on, it'll be brilliant. [He seats himself at the harmonium, and begins to pump it with his feet.]

Master / Narrator:
Don't you dare.

Tenth Doctor:
Catch me if you can.

[He launches into a jaunty rendition of "The Doctor's Theme", and sings along.]

Tenth Doctor:
Ooooooh-oooh-oooh-oooh, oooh oooh oooh oooh oooh oooh-ooooh...

[Donna bursts in.]

Donna:
Shut that racket up! There's people trying to sleep round here.

Tenth Doctor / Victor (vo):
I could see at a glance she was sick with fear.

Donna:
That's not fear. What I'm sick of is your caterwauling, matey.

Tenth Doctor / Victor:
Aren't you supposed to be speaking broken English?

Donna:
If you stop playing broken music, maybe.

[The Doctor stops playing, with a defiant 'Shave and a haircut, two bits'.]

Donna:
Mein Herr. Ik zou gaan. Non ci sono buono affinchè facciano.

Tenth Doctor / Victor:
That's not broken English, it's gibberish.

Donna:
Oh, the hell with it. Get out of here before it's too late, idiot.

Tenth Doctor / Victor (vo):
But I am somewhat headstrong by nature, and the more ready to engage in an affair when there is some obstacle in the way.

Master / Narrator:
Ain't that the truth?

Donna:
Look, are you thick or something? Just—

[A door slams somewhere. Donna shrugs in frustration, and departs.]

Tenth Doctor / Victor (vo):
Almost immediately, the Colonel came back, along with a short, thick, bearded man who was introduced to me as Mr. Ferguson.

Diana Goddard / Ferguson:
Nought out of four must be some kind of record.

Tenth Doctor / Victor:
Nah, that's just the storybook having its little games.

Abzorbaloff / Colonel Stark:
That door was closed when I left.

Tenth Doctor / Victor:
Open, closed, does it matter?

Abzorbaloff / Colonel Stark:
Hmmph. All right, come and look at the machine.

[He leads the other two through a maze of corridors.]

Tenth Doctor / Victor (vo):
There were no carpets and no signs of any furniture above the ground floor. I kept a keen eye on my two companions. Ferguson appeared to be a morose and silent man, but I could see from the little that he said that he was a fellow-countryman.

Diana Goddard / Ferguson:
Nought out of five.

[They arrive in a small room. The walls are wood; the floor and ceiling are steel.]

Abzorbaloff / Colonel Stark:
Here we are. This is the hydraulic press. Good job no-one's going to turn it on with us inside it, eh? [He laughs insincerely.] Anyway, it's been a bit funny lately. I'll show you what I mean.

[They leave the room. Outside is a control panel with several levers.]

Abzorbaloff / Colonel Stark:
Pull this one to start her up.

[The Doctor pulls the indicated lever. As the machine clanks into life, he whips out his sonic screwdriver and points it at various parts of the apparatus.]

Tenth Doctor / Victor:
Fluid compensators all fine, main drive shaft tickety-boo... Ah. Look, you've got a leak here. Need a new seal on number three cylinder.

[He pushes the lever back. The press stops.]

Diana Goddard / Ferguson:
Can you recommend a good supplier?

Tenth Doctor / Victor:
Yeah, I know a couple of blokes who can help. Just don't ask them for four candles, though. Never hear the last of it. Anyway, I need to take another quick squiz at the seating.

Abzorbaloff / Colonel Stark:
You filthy swine.

Tenth Doctor / Victor:
I mean inspect it. Get your mind out of the gutter.

[He goes inside the machine again. He points his sonic screwdriver at the metal floor, then picks up some metallic-looking dust and licks it.]

Tenth Doctor / Victor:
No way is this fuller's earth...

[The Abzorbaloff / Colonel Stark flings the door open.]

Abzorbaloff / Colonel Stark:
What the hell d'you think you're doing in there?

Tenth Doctor / Victor:
There's something going on here. What are you really using this machine for?

Abzorbaloff / Colonel Stark:
Very well. You shall know all about the machine.

[He takes a step back, closes the door, and locks it.]

Tenth Doctor / Victor:
Hey! What are you doing? Let me out!

[He hammers on the door, then sonics it, to no avail.]

Tenth Doctor / Victor:
Deadlocked. Where did a load of nineteenth-century crooks get a deadlock seal?

Master / Narrator:
Could be worse. Could be a deadlock walrus.

Tenth Doctor / Victor:
You're not helping!

Master / Narrator:
Oh, sorry, was I supposed to?

[Before the Doctor can answer, the hydraulic press starts up again. The ceiling begins to descend.]

Tenth Doctor / Victor:
Let me out! Stop it! I'm begging you, please, just turn the machine off and we can talk!

[He points his sonic screwdriver at the walls, the ceiling, the floor. Nothing happens.]

Tenth Doctor / Victor:
This is all your doing!

Master / Narrator:
I don't know where you get such ideas.

[The ceiling is still descending.]

Tenth Doctor / Victor:
Just as all seemed lost, I saw a crack open up between two of the wooden panels, and I crawled out.

[No crack appears. The Doctor hammers on the panels, but to no avail.]

Tenth Doctor / Victor:
This isn't how it goes! Where's my last-minute escape? What are you playing at?

Master / Narrator:
Oh, no, Doctor. Not this time. This time you're going to appreciate the full weight of the situation.

[He turns on his iPod. The air is filled with the sound of the Scissor Sisters singing "Kiss You Off".]

Master / Narrator [singing along]:
You say you see what's under me
That the gloss has washed away
But you're the one whose colour's gone
From love to dirty grey...

Tenth Doctor / Victor:
This isn't funny!

Master / Narrator:
...They rush you for your life
But you'll never beat the game
Older and older you get
Crush you like a gyre
But the gimble's all the same
Oh no I think it's happening...

Tenth Doctor / Victor:
WILL YOU STOP DOING THAT!?!?

Master / Narrator:
...Pissed yours truly off this time
It's why I ain't just kissin' you I'm kissin' you off...

[As the song concludes, the view changes to the outside of the hydraulic press. A scream is heard, followed by a very final crunch.]

"And there we are," the Master said, grinning broadly at the toddlers. "The Doctor was squashed completely flat and killed. And if that isn't joyful and heartwarming I don't know what is."

Little Rose, Martha, Lynda and Astrid all burst into tears.