come bearing a traditional (sort of) Storytime! in which the Simm Master tells the children the Grimm tale of Hansel and Gretel. With unexpected and unwanted help from some of the children... This Time Round Look Who's Talking Storytime! Hansel and Gretel *** TTR/LWT: Storytime! Hansel and Gretel * “And what is it this time?” asked Izzy, hands on hips. “No more novels, thank you. I’d advise you to steer clear of Sherlock Holmes while you’re at it, too.” The Simm Master gave her his best smile. It was not reassuring. “No, only one of those harmless, short traditional tales the children enjoy so much. About two sweet and innocent children who go to visit a poor, lonesome old lady and eat sweeties.” “Something tells me this charming, traditional tale is called ‘Hansel and Gretel’? He half keeled over with affected shock. “Izzy! How did you guess?” “Oh, go on, get on with it,” she said. “Just keep it short and don’t cast anyone from Torchwood, okay?” He wrinkled up his nose. “Who’d *want* them?” * NARRATOR Are we sitting comfortably, children? Good, because if we’re not, we can always cut off any awkward limbs-. * Distantly, while dealing with little Jamie, who was busy bringing back something he shouldn’t have eaten, Izzy yelled, “I heard that.” Then she shook her head at Jamie. “You’ve got to learn not to put *everything* you come across in your mouth, my bonnie laddie.” * NARRATOR Right, so if we’re sitting comfortably, then once upon a time there was a humble woodcutter or some such, blah blah blah who had a wife and two children. {Enter FOUR as a HUMBLE WOODCUTTER, sitting in a cottage set, along with his WIFE, ROMANA II] WOODCUTTER / FOURTH DOCTOR I say, that’s a fine axe I’ve got. WIFE / ROMANA II I’m going to die again, aren’t I? [Both look at their children without much enthusiasm. HANSEL and GRETEL are, with some inevitability, ADRIC and NYSSA]. WOODCUTTER I thought we were going to have a chat about this before we did something drastic like having children. Now look what we’ve ended up with. WIFE Two alien geniuses. I suppose it was only to be expected. NARRATOR However, this happy life did not long continue, as the Woodcutter’s wife died -. WIFE / ROMANA I knew it. Oh, well. [dies gracefully, before raising her head again] I must say, I am getting rather good at this. WOODCUTTER / FOUR I told her no good would come of having children. NARRATOR So the humble woodcutter married again, a charming woman -. [FOUR abruptly finds himself at the altar with ROMANA I. Both look startled and annoyed]. STEPMOTHER Not again. This makes no sense at all, you realise. If we look at this logically and chronologically, I came first and therefore one would expect me to the one who’s allowed to die. NARRATOR The harvests were bad and there wasn’t much food around for the family. There was a dearth. [A fearsome, tall figure in black strides through the forest towards the cottage, breathing heavily through his mask]. NARRATOR Oh, *please*, this isn’t some pathetic fan fic. I said, there was a *dearth*, not a Darth. Right, so there was a – shortage of food so the stepmother decided that they would have to take the little brats out into the forest and lose them before they all starved to death. The father was -. FOUR Splendid! When do we start? NARRATOR [flatly] The father was *heartbroken* at the idea, but she talked him round, or possibly used some of those other methods of persuasion women seem to think will do the trick. Doesn’t do anything for me, personally, but some people swear by it. ROMANA I [glaring at the unseen narrator, before turning to the WOODCUTTER] To be honest, we don’t have the money to keep them in calculators and chemistry sets any longer. We’ll have to do it. It upsets me as much as it upsets you. WOODCUTTER Look, I’ve agreed. If they’re so clever, I’m sure they’ll cope. NARRATOR However, clever young Gretel was listening at the door and told her brother what their parents were up to. NYSSA/ GRETEL [in sparse bedroom with only one bed. HANSEL/ADRIC is sleeping on the floor in the corner] Wake up, brother. Our parents are plotting to kill us. HANSEL I don’t believe it. *You’re* the one who plots to kill me. NYSSA Yes, but they’re plotting to kill *me* too. Now, think of something or they will take us out into the forest and leave us there to die. HANSEL Is that all? You do much worse. I’m going back to sleep. NARRATOR If it’s not *too* much to ask for, Hansel is *not* going back to sleep. He is in fact, going to sneak downstairs and fill his pyjamas with small white pebbles. HANSEL [frowning] Why would I do that? NARRATOR [rolling his eyes] And I thought you were supposed to be a genius. HANSEL I am. But I still don’t know why I want to pick up pebbles in the middle of the night and then put them in my *pyjamas* or why I’m supposed to be so worried about being left alone in a forest with Nyssa. GRETEL Oh? *Really*? HANSEL Well, I’m always getting stuck alone with you, but at least I’ll be able to run somewhere. I don’t see what the problem is. NARRATOR No wonder they want to get rid of you. Just do it, okay? [Still grumbling, HANSEL climbs down the stairs. A heavy rock falls off the top of the door behind him. GRETEL watches, the picture of innocence.] HANSEL [picking up dropped humbugs] Why’s it always me that gets picked on? It’s not fair. These aren’t even pebbles. NEARBY TREE / LUKE WARD You’re lucky. You try always being third tree to the right. HANSEL Who said that? NARRATOR [glaring] I said *nothing* about talking trees. If I were you, young Ward, I’d shut up about your life, unless you want me to casually happen to read out, ooh, say, a small section on how the woodcutter got up and went to work, cutting down any argumentative trees that happened to be standing around. So…. Hansel went back upstairs to his sister and they both went to sleep. [GRETEL is waiting behind the door with a sword]. NARRATOR Look, I’ve got nothing against you skewering your brother, Gretel, but if you hang on in there, you can prove you’re the brains of the outfit and shove the old witch in the oven, and *then* you can skewer him. [GRETEL climbs into bed. She still has the sword.] HANSEL Will somebody tell me what I’m supposed to do with a bag of humbugs? Do I get to eat them? NARRATOR In the morning, they went for a walk in the woods, but Hansel kept stopping to look behind him. Each time he did, he dropped a humbug – pebble, I mean. HANSEL Oh. I see! STEPMOTHER Hansel, what are you doing? HANSEL Waving goodbye to K9. He’s… up there on the roof. STEPMOTHER That’s just the sun on the chimney. Don’t be silly. You know K9 can’t even manage to get over the doorstep. NARRATOR Then they made a fire, sat the children down beside them, gave the last of the bread and then bu-. * Izzy marched back in. “What was that you were *thinking* about saying? * NARRATOR And left them there, the poor, abandoned kiddies. Scout’s honour, Izzy Whizzy. IZZY Call me that again, Mr Saxon, and you’re never darkening this door again. Oh, sugar, I’ve ended up in the story. NARRATOR Well, get out, unless you want to be a passing oak tree. IZZY I think not. * NARRATOR Anyway, they left them sleeping there and when they awoke the fire had gone out, it was night and they were all alone. HANSEL [repeatedly jumping as he attempts to sleep] Ow! Stop it. GRETEL / NYSSA [still holding the sword] Stop drooling on my shoulder or I’ll stab you. HANSEL Don’t be upset, Gretel. I left a trail of humbugs behind us – we can easily find our way home. NARRATOR So the two of them followed the trail home and, no, Gretel, *didn’t* attempt to slit his throat as they reached the doorstep. HANSEL [hand to his neck] Thanks. GRETEL / NYSSA [in a sinister whisper] You wait till later. NARRATOR Oh, I *like* her. [HANSEL sulks] * NARRATOR As you’d imagine, the parents were thrilled to have them back again – no, really, they were, if you believe what’s written here. However, soon after there came another dearth -. [JAMIE appears, dirk in hand.] NARRATOR I said *dearth*. As in famine, not having enough food. Not a dirk, or anything else that sounds even remotely like it. JAMIE So you dinnae want me in this one, then? [looks alarmed] Did you say there was no food? NARRATOR No! And yes, no, there isn’t. JAMIE You need to make up your mind. I’ll go for a walk in the forest, then. I could use a wee breath of fresh air. NARRATOR Oh, s – b- - things I would never, ever say in front of these dear, dear little children, Izzy. IZZY I should hope not. Ohhh-. I’ve done it again. That wood looks a bit sinister. I don’t want Victoria in tears again, you know. TREE / LUKE WARD [hurt] You think so? I was aiming for something a bit more reassuring than the traditional sinister, dark wood. I’ve been persuading the others to form the occasional sunlit glade, just for variety. IZZY Yes, I think you *aren’t* your everyday tree. But the rest of the forest isn’t with you on it. TREE It’s hard world. NARRATOR [narrowing his eyes] Woodcutter. Axes. IZZY Don’t you dare! NARRATOR I’d like to see you vegetarian, tree-hugging brigade survive a few centuries ago when you’d have starved to death if you hadn’t gone round wringing the necks of chickens and slaughtering pigs, poaching deer and eating rats or whatever it was you pathetic humans did. And you’d have died of cold if you wouldn’t cut trees down. IZZY That is complete nonsense! Did they have *factories* slaughtering them, hens kept in batteries, or creatures being fattened up and genetically altered so they can’t even move properly? Oh, and transported about the place in -. NARRATOR All right, all right -. I am now a fully paid-up treehugger. Anything as long as you’ll shut up. IZZY And as for the trees, did one single woodcutter manage to decimate a forest in a few minutes? I think not. Besides, I hope we’re a bit more civilised these days. NARRATOR Nope, doesn’t sound like it, does it? And, Izzy, Izzy, you’ve made poor, ickle wickle Victoria cry! IZZY Oh. Um, sorry, Victoria. NARRATOR Tell her it’s not true about the chickens and the baby lambs and the cows. IZZY Um. Oh. Um. If we all work together, we’ll make it not be true? Certainly, I only ever have organic produce delivered here and all local, of course-. NARRATOR [sounding alarmed] Local to *Nameless*? You’re crazier than me, Izzy. Now, Izzy, since she so foolishly allowed herself to be drawn into the story, went off to tie herself to a tree and protest as the humble woodcutter tried to go about his day job. IZZY [tying herself to a tree despite her best intentions] Hey! * NARRATOR So, I think you’re all getting the idea by now. They had a very unsneaky conversation about how they couldn’t afford to feed their little darlings, and would yet again try to abandon them in the forest. You know, some people are so lacking in originality – not like ME! FOUR / WOODCUTTER Do we finally get rid of the brats this time? NARRATOR The Father was – yet again - *heartbroken* over this, but eventually was forced to agree. STEPMOTHER / ROMANA I Excuse me, but I object. NARRATOR Not again. ROMANA I I realise that one has to play many varied parts in these efforts, but I have so far been portrayed as a witch and an evil stepmother, and I am concerned about the aspersion the Book is casting on my character. If you don’t mind, rather than sacrifice the children, I shall take myself off to the forest, allowing the remaining family members to stretch the food further. I’m sure I will find some means of surviving. I am quite capable, you know. FOUR What? No! Darling, we’re talking about Adric and Nyssa. NARRATOR Right. That’s it. Run away, Romana. Go off into the forest. I’ve had enough. Why do I have to do everything myself? SIMM MASTER / STEPMOTHER Now, dearest, take those children off into the forest -. [Pauses] What?! [pauses again to reflect on his last words] Oh well, let’s have some fun! So, darling Woodcutter, take those pesky brats out into the Forest, and this time you can loose the pair of them for good. FOUR / WOODCUTTER Splendid. I like your dress. MASTER / STEPMOTHER You don’t think the wig is a bit much? FOUR / WOODCUTTER Well, I wasn’t going to say it myself, as I’d rather finish this story. I used to only do corpses, you know, and now I have lines. It's a bit of a bore. MASTER / STEPMOTHER Corpses or corpsing? * “Where did Izzy and Mr Saxon go?” asked Peri, taking her thumb out of her mouth. “Hey, I’ll tell the stowy, just like a pwoper gwown up!” * “And then,” said Peri, running her finger along the page, a heavy frown on her face, “they took the childwen to Disneyland, where they ate lots and lots of candy and met weal fairies and all their favouwite Disney people-.” * SIMM MASTER / STEPMOTHER I think I may have made one of those irritating mistakes again. And I don’t mean this ridiculous, orange wig. IZZY [still tied to a tree. In the middle of a painted backdrop of rides, and pink castles] You think? MICKEY / MICKEY MOUSE Look, this isn’t funny. What fairy tale is this, when it’s at home? Mickey Mouse!!! Whoever’s responsible I’m going to shoot them. SIMM MASTER Clearly it’s the Sorcerer’s Apprentice. And who’s Donald? DONALD DUCK QuaaaaAAAak… MICKEY / MICKEY Yeah, about that… DONALD / DONNA Don’t ask, matey-boy, because if you knew how unhappy I was at being a big dumb bird with a slightly similar name to mine, you really wouldn’t want to risk it. GRETEL / NYSSA Did you drop the breadcrumbs? HANSEL / ADRIC Yes, but that giant duck and mouse just ate it. Still, this looks more interesting than home. MICKEY / MICKEY I want to know who’s behind this, so I can get him later! IZZY Baby Peri. MICKEY Oh. Right. Maybe not, then. DONNA Won’t stop *me*. * Baby Six pulled Peri out of the chair. “That’s not a story! Tacky cartoons, and anyway, you weren’t reading that. You can’t read!” “Neivver can you.” She put her thumb back in her mouth. Six snatched the book. * IZZY Look, come on, Mr Saxon, untie me now! JAMIE [reappearing with the biggest pink mass of candyfloss ever seen] Somebody said there was no food, but I’ve found loads – and look, yon lassie at the stand gave me this. Think she liked me. IZZY I take that back. Just kill me now. Give me a moment’s respite! What do you think baby Six is going to do with the book in his hands? * Six slapped back the other toddlers trying to get the book. “It’s my turn. You can have yours later. Now, is everybody sitting comfortably? Then we’ll begin…” * SIX Hansel and Gretel were of course not anywhere as comm-commer – tacky as Disneyland, and they were back in the deep, dark forest where they belonged. TREE / LUKE With sunlit glades, and the occasional, gentle falling leaf. SIX Yes, that. There was a nice tree, that was really a prince who had been turned into a tree by a wicked witch, who lived in a gingerbread cottage, which is the proper story, Peri, and doesn’t have any cartoons or sweeties in it. Aaarghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! * Baby Captain Jack looked happily at the pin he’d used on baby Six, and took hold of the big book, with a wide smile. * JACK / NARRATOR Okay, everyone had fun at Disneyland and it was great, and then they had a big fight -. [DONALD and MICKEY look at each other, and do their best while JAMIE happily punches the MASTER, FOUR and ROMANA have a loud row, GRETEL hits HANSEL repeatedly and IZZY fends off the TREE.] JACK / NARRATOR And then they all kissed and made up. [EVERYONE looks at EVERYONE and gets it over with as soon as possible.] JACK / NARRATOR No, PROPERLY, everyone kissed each other *properly*. Lots and lots. For ages and ages and ages. * ***The cast would like it noted that they found this section too disturbing to recall and its account has been excised from all chronicles of Nameless, although Izzy wants it to be known that if certain people ever, ever try anything like that again, when she isn’t tied to a tree, there will be trouble, and probably murder. Also it must be recorded that there are some advantages to wearing a Disney costume, and that certain people, who were, narrative-wise, committing incest at the time, seemed unnecessarily enthusiastic about the whole thing.*** * Jack’s precocity in some things were legend, even in the nursery, but his mastery of the English language was not what it would be one day. He took a deep breath, and proposed the most educational scene yet: “And then, and *then* they all had a great big org-ogr-ogry!” He never understood why the Book decided to include a bloodsucking stone at this point, but it certainly put an end to the disturbing scene. * IZZY [watching the Ogri approach] Hahaha. Look at that! Is that supposed to be scary or something? FOUR / WOODCUTTER Actually, it’ll advance on you tirelessly, and drain your blood away, but I’m sure you’ll cope. I really should be off chopping trees and eating jelly babies, or both my wives will nag. Possibly all three of them. I’m not entirely sure I’m following this any more. IZZY Untie me, then, you -! Oh. He’s gone. MASTER / STEPMOTHER Izzy, how do we get out again? IZZY It might help if you untied me. MASTER Not after what you said you’d do to me – you don’t catch me out like that! Ha. * Six was not pleased after the incident with the pin and took advantage of Jack’s confusion to snatch the book, whack him over the head with it and seize control once more. “I’m going to tell the proper story,” he said. “And you are all going to behave, especially Peri.” Peri sulked, and sucked her thumb. * SIX So, the nasty Ogri vanished, and then, back in the deep, dark forest -. LUKE / TREE How many times do I have to explain about that? SIX Oh, shut up. Everybody knows trees can’t talk. You’re making the story silly. So, back in the deep, dark forest, Hansel and Gretel found a house made all of gingerbread, candy canes and other sundry biscuits and cakes. * Adric put his hand up. Six stopped and sighed. “I’m telling a story! What is it? Don’t you know where the bathroom is by now?” “What’s a sundry biscuit?” Sarah Jane bobbed up and down. “It’s those ones that come in foil.” “No, it isn’t,” said Harry, waking up for once. “I’ve had them. They’re counting biscuits.” Six glared at them, and then turned to Mel, who also had her hand up. “I’m not talking about biscuits. Anything else?” “Yeth,” lisped Mel. “Are you thure this ithn’t thtill Dithneyland?” He frowned. “What?” “Oh, all right,” she said, abandoning the attempt at cute. “It sounds like Disneyland to me. Where else would you find a house made all of sweeties?” Six paused and thought about it. “Well, I suppose it might be somewhere in a deep, dark corner of Disneyland. Shall we continue?” “Hah,” exploded little Four. “What now?” He waggled his fingers against his nose and stuck his tongue. “You sound like a boring grown up.” “I have a lot of sense for my age,” agreed Six. “And I can read, Peri, so there. I learnt to read when I was nearly two, and after that I moved onto maths and then I worked out the theory of relatives, which is very difficult when you come from Gallifrey -.” Peri gave a sob. “I want my story.” “Now, look what you’ve done!” said Six to Four. “Izzy will be very cross when she comes back.” * SIX So, somewhere in the deepest, darkest corner of the theme park, where they had a dearth or whatever that funny word was, and no cartoon people, but a nice, friendly tree, Hansel and Gretel found a house made of sweeties with an old lady inside. [HANSEL and GRETEL march up to the house, HANSEL greedily eating anything edible in sight.] NYSSA/ GRETEL You pig, Adric! I mean, Hansel. You can’t possibly eat a whole gatepost! HANSEL / ADRIC Can’t I? JAMIE [wandering over] Hey, look, more food. That stuff the Master said was just a complete lie. Do you think whoever lives here would have sandwiches? SIX / NARRATOR Jamie, you’re not supposed to be in this. JAMIE I’ll just get a sandwich and go. You won’t notice me. [The door opens and the WITCH appears. It is EVELYN. She is carrying a chocolate cake.] WITCH / EVELYN Sandwiches? Of course. And have a piece of my chocolate cake while I have a quick word with your naughty young narrator about a gross example of miscasting. * Six shut the book hastily, and hid under the chair, bursting into tears. * WITCH/ EVELYN Oh. Does anybody know what we do now? GRETEL/ NYSSA I believe in the traditional story, you invite us in and feed us up, secretly planning to keep me as a servant and to eat my brother Hansel. However, I am intelligent enough to decipher your true intentions, and set about thwarting you, using a bone and your own oven. If you want to hurry things along, I suppose I could push you inside it now, if you wanted. WITCH/EVELYN Well, yes, I *am* familiar with the story. I’m only wondering what one does when there’s no narrator. It sounds like something terribly modern and meandering – several characters in search of a plot, or something. JAMIE Well, in the meantime, no harm in having a sandwich and a slice of yon chocolate cake, is there? HANSEL / ADRIC I don’t see why not. WITCH / EVELYN Well, come in, my dears and we’ll have a tea party while we wait for everyone to sort themselves out. * Peri picked up the book again, with a smile on her face. She shuffled herself into place on the big chair, and beamed so engagingly round the room that even little Two decided not to continue in his cunning plan to upend the chair and steal the Book. She opened the heavy volume on her lap, with difficulty, smoothing the large pages down, and frowning down at the meaningless letters. * PERI /NARRATOR So, they all had a nice tea party and then it turned out that the witch was weally a beautiful pwincess under a spell and then she kissed the twee that was weally a pwince under a spell and turned back into a pwincess and they all lived happily ever after with Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck in a big pink, sparkly castle. And the nasty man untied Izzy, so she can come back and give us our juice and biscuits. * WITCH / EVELYN Well, there you are. That answers that one. You young people polish off the chocolate cake, while I go and find this handsome young tree to kiss. And, there, I must say, is yet another sentence I never thought I’d have reason to use. JAMIE Before you go, are there any more sandwiches? WITCH / EVELYN Oh, plenty. I’m sure Gretel, Hansel or Donald Duck will sort you out with something. * [Elsewhere in the forest, IZZY slaps the SIMM MASTER as he reluctantly unties her, and then sinks on to the forest floor, sobbing gently.] MASTER / STEPMOTHER Yeah. That one didn’t go according to plan. I’ll do better next time, I promise. IZZY Next time? NEXT TIME?! * EVELYN / WITCH [finding the TREE in a forest] Well, young Mr Tree, I gather we have a romantic moment here, so if you’ll just bend down a little, I’ll -. [There is a puff of pink smoke and EVELYN vanishes, as does the TREE, to be replaced by a fully human LUKE WARD and PERI] PERI / PRINCESS Hey. How did that happen? LUKE / PRINCE I don’t know, but I… I feel must take you home to my castle in the skies. I have – I think I have a horse with wings. PERI [looking up] It’s pink. And nothing can have actual turrets like that. It looks like the sort of dumb thing I’d have drawn when I was about five or something. Still, I’ve married worse than you, so let’s get on with it. You can kiss me again if you like, as long as you’ve given up on the maggot-eating thing. LUKE / PRINCE [frowning] How would you get a horse with wings, miss? What would have to mate it with and how would that -?” PERI / PRINCESS Please. Magic. Let’s leave it at that. Okay? LUKE / PRINCE I also have a developed a strong interest in plants, particularly trees. I’m thinking of outlawing woodcutters. PERI / PRINCESS Fine by me. Hey, I’m marrying someone who’s not evil, alien, deformed, twice my age and who actually shares an interest with me. Just goes to prove it’s all made up. * [There is one final wedding scene, in the castle, with rejoicing, balloons, candyfloss, the full cast, confetti, streamers, floating hearts, glitter in the air and an incredible pink dress for the bride. There are flowers everywhere, mostly pink.] * Peri put down the book. “There. Wasn’t that a nice stowy, evwyone?” * Izzy slammed the door in the Simm Master’s face. “Hey, wait, you know you can’t live without me.” She reopened the door. “You tied me to a tree, left the children without supervision, and – well – I’m not even going to *think* about the other things you did or I shall throw up! Get out, and don’t come back for at least a fortnight.” “Well,” he said, running off, “that was fun. What else can I do today?” *** Disclaimer: None of this belongs to me. None of it, except for the actual order of words was even my idea. It must be fairly obvious to anyone that no profit is being made.