THE LIGHT'S ON, BUT 1/1 TTR, the author's Peri arc by Paul Gadzikowski Bits of this work may derive from properties of the BBC, Fox, Paramount, et al., but it's non-profit and in no way intrudes on their markets. THIS TIME ROUND concept by Tyler Dion, after Kielle Number One created by BKWillis. KING ARTHUR IN TIME AND SPACE is mine. Previously in the author's TTR arc(s): In a surprisingly nonviolent romance, Peri married all eight Doctors. The Doctor now wears a time ring while with Peri that continuously cycles hims through all incarnations. Meanwhile the Valeyard and Number One have formed a conspiracy to trick the happy couple into leading Yrcanos' warrior planet to drive the author's KING ARTHUR IN TIME AND SPACE characters off the newsgroup. Somewhat to the Valeyard's trepidation, Yrcanos is in on the conspiracy ... ***** When the Doctor(s) and Peri found Yrcanos in his office - which, his being a Warrior King of the Krontep, was a large piece of the Royal Training Field - he seemed to be muttering, "Let *them* bring it up. Let *them* bring it up," with every stroke of his ax against his sparring partners. "I say, old chap," Doctor Three tried to get Yrcanos' attention, but Peri just picked up a nearby lirpa and disarmed all seven combatants with a smooth two-loop parry. "Nice move," said Doctor Six. Peri shrugged. "They were just doing warmup exercises." Doctor Two nodded. "Listen, Yrcanos old boy, we have a favor to ask you." "Let them bring it up!" Yrcanos bellowed. "I mean, yes? What is it?" he bellowed. "We want the KING ARTHUR IN TIME AND SPACE people run off the newsgroup," said Peri. "VA-ROOOOOO-NIK!" Yrcanos bellowed. Instantly all the Krontep warriors on the training ground left off what they were doing and began heading toward the spaceport, which was conveniently next door and full of waiting warships. "They insulted us, you see," Doctor Five tried to continue. "Dogs! Maggots!" said Yrcanos, moving off with his men. The Doctor(s) and Peri didn't know whether he was insulting the KAITAS people or was urging his men on. "So we thought you might be willing to -" Peri explained. "What are you waiting for?" he asked them. They *were* lagging behind. The three of them made for Yrcanos' flagship (Not that Krontep make use of wimpy words like "flagship". It was "the king's ship because it's biggest and has the most, biggest weapons on it and the king wants it."). On the bridge of the starcruiser Excalibur, a great chiming started to sound, as if from a church bell. Even in a universe where holy relics of Our Lord are so manifestly powerful as to generate terraforming processes which in turn generate movie trilogies, church bells were not run-of-the-mill sounds on the bridges of starcruisers. Yet, on this starcruiser, the sound was greeted with rolled eyes and other expressions of exasperation; and the materialization of a large wooden door at the front of the bridge garnered no surprised reactions from its witnesses, even when the door, upon full materialization, opened and emitted an old, white-bearded man in a long multicolored scarf and a much younger, taller, skinny blonde in a red riding jacket and jodhpurs. "I've asked you not to materialize the CAVE in the middle of the main viewscreen," said the uniformed, fairhaired and -bearded man in the center chair. "Never mind that, Arthur," said Merlin. "Nimue and I have just been subjected to the most frightful insult and you've got to do something about it." "I have, have I?" "What was the insult?" asked Guenevere, standing to Arthur's left in a shortsleeved blue med dept tunic. "That's not important," Merlin huffed. "He thinks he can run us off just because the newsgroup's named after him, does he?" "Who?" asked Lancelot from the science station, to predictable response. "It *is* his newsgroup," Arthur observed. "Or his fans'." "We *are* only tangentially on-topic there," Guenevere added. "After all," said Lancelot - as science officer, exposition was one of his duties - "the stories we appear in on the newsgroup *are* only reposts of the author's old DOCTOR WHO/STAR TREK crossovers with the franchises' proper nouns globally replaced. They're fanfiction of an imaginary screen canon [http://members.iglou.com/scarfman/knotes.htm]. You and Nimue are analog to DOCTOR WHO characters; but you aren't really DOCTOR WHO characters, and the rest of us are only analog to STAR TREK, albeit STAR TREK as it appears in crossover on the newsgroup." "One of those fans is our author, part of the newsgroup community, as he phrases it," said Merlin stubbornly. "We - not just Nimue and I - have as much right there as people from Badlands or Look Who's Talking." "And we have pedigrees even the canonical (whatever that means) DOCTOR WHO characters don't have," Nimue added. "Everyone in this universe has been a popular character for at least ten, twenty times as long as anyone who was in the first airing of DOCTOR WHO. Which doesn't seem to have anything like that kind of staying power itself." "All right," said Arthur, "so he's an upstart in the realm of folk heroism." "Eight upstarts!" Nimue suggested. "Eight upstarts," Arthur conceded. "What are you suggesting? Do you really think that a personal insult is grounds for a space fleet to invade and attack the home alternate fictional universe of the person who committed it?" The Krontep space fleet landed in the capital city of the planet Camelot with engines whining and weapons blazing. Yrcanos led the main party against the Round Table knights defending the palace, the Doctor(s) and Peri behind him, Peri wielding a battleax only slightly smaller than his with only slightly less facility (she *has* been Queen of the Krontep since 1985 in real time [whatever that is]) while the Doctor(s) as ever remained content with immobilizing opponents with his Venusian baritsu. Krontep in the following ranks subsequently released all the Doctor's victims to their God, in between defeating or being defeated by their own Round Table opponents in bloody battle. It was as if Tarantino had directed "First Knight". Following behind were the Valeyard and Number One. Number One had his pistol in hand and picked off Croft/Jones-style any Round Table knight who approached with obvious hostile intent, and the occasional Krontep who in enthusiasm or ignorance neglected to realize that the two were on his side. The Valeyard flinched every time Number One fired, tiptoed with difficulty but success around all the pools of blood, and threw up once or twice. With some amusement Number One recalled that the anti-Doctor's first attempt to become villain of the author's Peri arc was a campaign to increase the violence in the author's fanfiction. At least these Krontep guys should prove more than sufficient defense for Number One himself, if - when - his former Brethren came after him. "Why are we hanging back?" he asked, just to find out what spin the Valeyard'd put on his cowardice. "Our plan went slightly awry, remember?" the Valeyard said, though he was too queasy to bring off condescension. "I meant to convince the Doctor myself to make war on Camelot, so you and I could be acknowleged allies in the campaign. He fell out with Merlin on his own so he never came to be convinced that we're good guys. We have to find another way or stay out of his sight." Number One had to admit that that was a legitimate reason. But they had reached the palace now, and there were no defenders in evidence except dead and wounded. "Come on. Let's get close enough to see what's going on, at least." What was going on was Yrcanos was throwing a tantrum in the throne room. "What kind of defenders lose on a single assault?" "We surprised them," said Peri soothingly. "They weren't ready for us." "There was actually hardly anyone here," said Doctor Eight. "Not on a war footing at all." "Then next time we must call ahead!" Yrcanos insisted. "Look, we got what we wanted," said Peri. "I didn't," moaned Yrcanos. "You, there," called Doctor Seven. There were a couple of prisoners under guard nearby, a middle-aged fellow in a Round Table admiral's uniform with red hair going grey, and a young fair-haired man with a mustache in some sort of ceremonial dress. "Who are you?" "I'm Sir Mordred, Prince Regent of British Space," said the young man. "Sir Kay, royal seneschal," the other introduced himself. "Who are you?" Mordred asked. "I'm the Doctor," said Doctor Three. He and Peri went to the prisoners. "We hereby serve notice that Camelot has fallen to us, and we demand that all KING ARTHUR IN TIME AND SPACE characters and stories vacate this newsgroup." Doctor Four looked around the room a bit and added, "Where is King Arthur?" "Don't you *read* the stories?" Mordred asked, voice dripping with all the local allotment of condescension the Valeyard had failed to tap. "Or even the comic strips on the website?" "Well, no, actually," mumbled Doctor Six. "I was already in the original versions of the stories, you see, and there are other stories to appear in ..." "Arthur's never *here*," said Mordred. "He prefers running a starcruiser to running the kingdom. So much, he appointed as Prince Regent his bastard son: me, Mordred, the villain and destroyer of Camelot in almost all versions of the story. But this time he's given me what I wanted, and so I run British Space loyally in his name. "But - until his death, anyway - in his name only." "You mean -" said Doctor One. Mordred nodded. "I'm not the high king. I can't surrender Camelot. Only Arthur can, and he's off on Excalibur somewhere." "Even Polly admits us to the 'Round," said Merlin with deep, precisely-enunciated tones of finality. "Can't argue with that," Arthur said. Guenevere and Lancelot shrugged acquiescence. "All right, I'm convinced - we belong on the nesgroup and it's out of line of them to try to insult us away. So, what do you want me to do?" "Well, -" started Merlin; then stopped. "Well, I *had* been thinking of something along the lines of an invasion of the other universe, but ..." "That's more than a bit of overreaction," Arthur repeated. "Even if not," said Nimue, "where could the objective of an invasion of the DOCTOR WHO universe be?" "The Doctor never stays in one place," Merlin admitted. Cold consideration and time lapsed were taking the edge off of the Avalonian time-travelers' tempers. "Earth in the UNIT era? Gallifrey?" "This Time Round is right out," Lancelot declared. "That's neutral territory." "And if we're holding it in a hostile takeover we can't drink," said Guenevere, "so what would be the point?" Mention of the Tavern on the Outside of the Universes made Merlin think of the other crossover characters he ran into there. "Buffy the Vampire Slayer is the Doctor's mother in the author's mainstream fanfiction, and Clark and Lois Kent his foster-parents - should hostages be taken?" His enthusiam for that plan waned to nothing even as he voiced it, which was the only reason the Round Table officers reacted merely with humorless glares. "It all seems rather silly now, doesn't it?" Nimue said to him. "'Now'?" Guenevere said. "Not at all." They all turned at the totally unfamiliar voice. There was someone none of them knew at the bridge lift, though its doors hadn't swished since the CAVE had materialized. "Who are you?" Arthur asked. "There's more to this than any of you know," said the stranger, strolling casually toward them. "Who are you?" Lancelot demanded. "I'm with the Brethren," said the stranger. FIN