THE LIGHT'S ON, BUT 1/1 TTR, the author's Peri arc
by Paul Gadzikowski
Bits of this work may derive from properties of the BBC, Fox,
Paramount, et al., but it's non-profit and in no way intrudes on
THIS TIME ROUND concept by Tyler Dion, after Kielle
Number One created by BKWillis.
KING ARTHUR IN TIME AND SPACE is mine.
Previously in the author's TTR arc(s): In a surprisingly nonviolent romance,
Peri married all eight Doctors. The Doctor now wears a time ring while with
Peri that continuously cycles hims through all incarnations. Meanwhile the
Valeyard and Number One have formed a conspiracy to trick the happy couple
into leading Yrcanos' warrior planet to drive the author's KING ARTHUR IN
TIME AND SPACE characters off the newsgroup. Somewhat to the Valeyard's
trepidation, Yrcanos is in on the conspiracy ...
When the Doctor(s) and Peri found Yrcanos in his office - which, his
being a Warrior King of the Krontep, was a large piece of the Royal Training
Field - he seemed to be muttering, "Let *them* bring it up. Let *them* bring
it up," with every stroke of his ax against his sparring partners.
"I say, old chap," Doctor Three tried to get Yrcanos' attention, but
Peri just picked up a nearby lirpa and disarmed all seven combatants with a
smooth two-loop parry.
"Nice move," said Doctor Six.
Peri shrugged. "They were just doing warmup exercises."
Doctor Two nodded. "Listen, Yrcanos old boy, we have a favor to ask
"Let them bring it up!" Yrcanos bellowed. "I mean, yes? What is it?"
"We want the KING ARTHUR IN TIME AND SPACE people run off the
newsgroup," said Peri.
"VA-ROOOOOO-NIK!" Yrcanos bellowed. Instantly all the Krontep warriors
on the training ground left off what they were doing and began heading toward
the spaceport, which was conveniently next door and full of waiting warships.
"They insulted us, you see," Doctor Five tried to continue.
"Dogs! Maggots!" said Yrcanos, moving off with his men. The Doctor(s)
and Peri didn't know whether he was insulting the KAITAS people or was urging
his men on.
"So we thought you might be willing to -" Peri explained.
"What are you waiting for?" he asked them. They *were* lagging behind.
The three of them made for Yrcanos' flagship (Not that Krontep make use of
wimpy words like "flagship". It was "the king's ship because it's biggest and
has the most, biggest weapons on it and the king wants it.").
On the bridge of the starcruiser Excalibur, a great chiming started to
sound, as if from a church bell. Even in a universe where holy relics of Our
Lord are so manifestly powerful as to generate terraforming processes which
in turn generate movie trilogies, church bells were not run-of-the-mill
sounds on the bridges of starcruisers. Yet, on this starcruiser, the sound
was greeted with rolled eyes and other expressions of exasperation; and the
materialization of a large wooden door at the front of the bridge garnered
no surprised reactions from its witnesses, even when the door, upon full
materialization, opened and emitted an old, white-bearded man in a long
multicolored scarf and a much younger, taller, skinny blonde in a red riding
jacket and jodhpurs.
"I've asked you not to materialize the CAVE in the middle of the main
viewscreen," said the uniformed, fairhaired and -bearded man in the center
"Never mind that, Arthur," said Merlin. "Nimue and I have just been
subjected to the most frightful insult and you've got to do something about
"I have, have I?"
"What was the insult?" asked Guenevere, standing to Arthur's left in a
shortsleeved blue med dept tunic.
"That's not important," Merlin huffed. "He thinks he can run us off just
because the newsgroup's named after him, does he?"
"Who?" asked Lancelot from the science station, to predictable response.
"It *is* his newsgroup," Arthur observed. "Or his fans'."
"We *are* only tangentially on-topic there," Guenevere added.
"After all," said Lancelot - as science officer, exposition was one of
his duties - "the stories we appear in on the newsgroup *are* only reposts of
the author's old DOCTOR WHO/STAR TREK crossovers with the franchises' proper
nouns globally replaced. They're fanfiction of an imaginary screen canon
[http://members.iglou.com/scarfman/knotes.htm]. You and Nimue are analog to
DOCTOR WHO characters; but you aren't really DOCTOR WHO characters, and the
rest of us are only analog to STAR TREK, albeit STAR TREK as it appears in
crossover on the newsgroup."
"One of those fans is our author, part of the newsgroup community, as
he phrases it," said Merlin stubbornly. "We - not just Nimue and I - have
as much right there as people from Badlands or Look Who's Talking."
"And we have pedigrees even the canonical (whatever that means) DOCTOR
WHO characters don't have," Nimue added. "Everyone in this universe has been
a popular character for at least ten, twenty times as long as anyone who was
in the first airing of DOCTOR WHO. Which doesn't seem to have anything like
that kind of staying power itself."
"All right," said Arthur, "so he's an upstart in the realm of folk
"Eight upstarts!" Nimue suggested.
"Eight upstarts," Arthur conceded. "What are you suggesting? Do you
really think that a personal insult is grounds for a space fleet to invade
and attack the home alternate fictional universe of the person who committed
The Krontep space fleet landed in the capital city of the planet Camelot
with engines whining and weapons blazing.
Yrcanos led the main party against the Round Table knights defending the
palace, the Doctor(s) and Peri behind him, Peri wielding a battleax only
slightly smaller than his with only slightly less facility (she *has* been
Queen of the Krontep since 1985 in real time [whatever that is]) while the
Doctor(s) as ever remained content with immobilizing opponents with his
Venusian baritsu. Krontep in the following ranks subsequently released all
the Doctor's victims to their God, in between defeating or being defeated by
their own Round Table opponents in bloody battle. It was as if Tarantino had
directed "First Knight".
Following behind were the Valeyard and Number One. Number One had his
pistol in hand and picked off Croft/Jones-style any Round Table knight who
approached with obvious hostile intent, and the occasional Krontep who in
enthusiasm or ignorance neglected to realize that the two were on his side.
The Valeyard flinched every time Number One fired, tiptoed with difficulty
but success around all the pools of blood, and threw up once or twice. With
some amusement Number One recalled that the anti-Doctor's first attempt to
become villain of the author's Peri arc was a campaign to increase the
violence in the author's fanfiction. At least these Krontep guys should prove
more than sufficient defense for Number One himself, if - when - his former
Brethren came after him.
"Why are we hanging back?" he asked, just to find out what spin the
Valeyard'd put on his cowardice.
"Our plan went slightly awry, remember?" the Valeyard said, though he
was too queasy to bring off condescension. "I meant to convince the Doctor
myself to make war on Camelot, so you and I could be acknowleged allies in
the campaign. He fell out with Merlin on his own so he never came to be
convinced that we're good guys. We have to find another way or stay out of
Number One had to admit that that was a legitimate reason. But they had
reached the palace now, and there were no defenders in evidence except dead
and wounded. "Come on. Let's get close enough to see what's going on, at
What was going on was Yrcanos was throwing a tantrum in the throne room.
"What kind of defenders lose on a single assault?"
"We surprised them," said Peri soothingly. "They weren't ready for us."
"There was actually hardly anyone here," said Doctor Eight. "Not on a
war footing at all."
"Then next time we must call ahead!" Yrcanos insisted.
"Look, we got what we wanted," said Peri.
"I didn't," moaned Yrcanos.
"You, there," called Doctor Seven. There were a couple of prisoners
under guard nearby, a middle-aged fellow in a Round Table admiral's uniform
with red hair going grey, and a young fair-haired man with a mustache in some
sort of ceremonial dress. "Who are you?"
"I'm Sir Mordred, Prince Regent of British Space," said the young man.
"Sir Kay, royal seneschal," the other introduced himself.
"Who are you?" Mordred asked.
"I'm the Doctor," said Doctor Three. He and Peri went to the prisoners.
"We hereby serve notice that Camelot has fallen to us, and we demand that all
KING ARTHUR IN TIME AND SPACE characters and stories vacate this newsgroup."
Doctor Four looked around the room a bit and added, "Where is King Arthur?"
"Don't you *read* the stories?" Mordred asked, voice dripping with all
the local allotment of condescension the Valeyard had failed to tap. "Or even
the comic strips on the website?"
"Well, no, actually," mumbled Doctor Six. "I was already in the original
versions of the stories, you see, and there are other stories to appear in
"Arthur's never *here*," said Mordred. "He prefers running a starcruiser
to running the kingdom. So much, he appointed as Prince Regent his bastard
son: me, Mordred, the villain and destroyer of Camelot in almost all versions
of the story. But this time he's given me what I wanted, and so I run British
Space loyally in his name.
"But - until his death, anyway - in his name only."
"You mean -" said Doctor One.
Mordred nodded. "I'm not the high king. I can't surrender Camelot. Only
Arthur can, and he's off on Excalibur somewhere."
"Even Polly admits us to the 'Round," said Merlin with deep,
precisely-enunciated tones of finality.
"Can't argue with that," Arthur said. Guenevere and Lancelot shrugged
acquiescence. "All right, I'm convinced - we belong on the nesgroup and it's
out of line of them to try to insult us away. So, what do you want me to do?"
"Well, -" started Merlin; then stopped. "Well, I *had* been thinking of
something along the lines of an invasion of the other universe, but ..."
"That's more than a bit of overreaction," Arthur repeated.
"Even if not," said Nimue, "where could the objective of an invasion of
the DOCTOR WHO universe be?"
"The Doctor never stays in one place," Merlin admitted. Cold
consideration and time lapsed were taking the edge off of the Avalonian
time-travelers' tempers. "Earth in the UNIT era? Gallifrey?"
"This Time Round is right out," Lancelot declared. "That's neutral
"And if we're holding it in a hostile takeover we can't drink," said
Guenevere, "so what would be the point?"
Mention of the Tavern on the Outside of the Universes made Merlin think
of the other crossover characters he ran into there. "Buffy the Vampire
Slayer is the Doctor's mother in the author's mainstream fanfiction, and
Clark and Lois Kent his foster-parents - should hostages be taken?" His
enthusiam for that plan waned to nothing even as he voiced it, which was the
only reason the Round Table officers reacted merely with humorless glares.
"It all seems rather silly now, doesn't it?" Nimue said to him.
"'Now'?" Guenevere said.
"Not at all."
They all turned at the totally unfamiliar voice. There was someone none
of them knew at the bridge lift, though its doors hadn't swished since the
CAVE had materialized. "Who are you?" Arthur asked.
"There's more to this than any of you know," said the stranger,
strolling casually toward them.
"Who are you?" Lancelot demanded.
"I'm with the Brethren," said the stranger.