LINGUISTIC LESSON 1/1 TTR, the author's Peri arc
by Paul Gadzikowski
DOCTOR WHO series characters and concepts copyright BBC tv
THIS TIME ROUND concept by Tyler Dion, after Kielle
PG-13 for innuendo

Previously in the author's THIS TIME ROUND Peri arc:

> "I hope not," said Peri. She glanced back at the Doctors. "In fact I was
>just thinking ... just kinda noticing ... with all the variety of body types
>he has ... even the older ones ... He's all just - *got* something, you
> "Peri," said Sarah Jane, "the Doctor has been dating you."
> "Well ... I thought it was a little odd when Doctor Three took me to
>Estarcion and insisted on killing me a yak for my supper ..."
> "See? You're good to go." Sarah Jane gave Peri an encouraging squeeze to
>her shoulder. "He knows how he feels, you know how you feel and you know how
>he feels. All that's left is that he doesn't know how you feel. That's the
>only obstacle left between you."
> Yrcanos hissed enthusiastically through madly grinning teeth. He grabbed
>Nyssa by the elbows and lifted her off the ground and said, "I'm going to
>like it in this place!"


"There's a character named after me in the FOUNDATION series!"
The Adric-lookalike in starcruiser Excalibur laser armor made his
announcement loudly to the entire population of the tavern, inebriated enough
to have forgotten - or just not to care - that he'd already mentioned it to
each of them individually during the course of his five-beer stay at the
'Round this evening. He nevertheless succeeding in drawing everyone's
attention, at least for long enough that all got to watch him roll his eyes
back and topple off his barstool.
"Shiny-suit boy have monster headache in morning," said Francois the
Ogron bartender, though whether he deduced this from Sir Pelleas' intake or
from his own method of moving Pelleas into the back room - carrying the
knight by his hair - he did not specify.
"Won't hurt him," said Adric, though Francois' tone had not actually
been one of concern. "He's been through everything Malory and Tennyson and
countless others can throw at a knight. I knew he couldn't really be hurt
that time I hid behind him from Nyssa, too -" It seemed important to Adric to
get this out, whether to justify his own actions or to show off his
familiarity with Earth literature. In any case it became evident that
Francois didn't share his opinion of its importance, as he proceeded
inexorably with Pelleas to the dry-out room. Adric turned back to his
bartending duties, mumbling, "Gets a FOUNDATION character named after him
At the Doctors' usual table in the 'Round, Adric's concern was granted
little more significance than by Francois, though the Time Lord[s] did pick
up a datum of interest to themself from observing the event.
"Two bartenders on at once," Doctor One noted.
"The evening rush shift," Doctor Eight added.
"Surely *she* will be here soon," said Doctor Two.
"Maybe *he* will too," moped Doctor Seven.
"He can't have meant it. Can he?" said Doctor Three hopefully. "When he
said last night that he'd like it here."
"First impressions are lasting impressions," said Doctor Six. "And his
first impression of This Time Round was that we're a bunch of viscous bloody
"She'll never show up alone again," moaned Doctor Four.
"Door!" hissed Doctor Five.
For a day that had seemed interminable - that had seemed like, say,
seventy-three days - the eight Doctors had been waiting for Peri's usual
daily visit to This Time Round with the anticipation of Leonardo diCaprio
under the balcony, hoping against hope that their situation wouldn't turn
into a metaphor for that actor's other hit film. The moment was finally here.
Peri stepped through the entrance of the tavern.
The Doctors experienced only a momentary surge of horror, dread and
disappointment at the accompanying sight of Yrcanos - the King who had made
Peri his Queen at the end of her last serial (actually in a bit of expository
dialog from another character at the end of the second subsequent serial
[counting the installments of "Trial" as separate serials, obviously]) -
before their intellectual faculties shut down entirely for quite some time.
Peri was accustomed to attend This Time Round in Earth clothes, but now she
was decked out to the nines - or, considering the relative amount of
epidermal coverage, the fours - in the war armor of a Queen of the Krontep.
Peri's outfit, aside from being topped off with a helmet identical to
Yrcanos' - black with a wide brim on the sides and back rather like a
fireman's helmet, with to prongs on the front looking like a tuning fork -
looked like a cross between Princess Leia's gown in the Hildebrandt poster
and the slavegirl outfit from JEDI. There were shoulder guards of steel, as
on Klingon uniforms, that stuck out several inches farther to each side than
Peri did. Her bust was covered with what looked like two D-cup sized kitchen
sieves lined with fur, with no visible means of support. Her loincloth was of
chain mail. And her boots were again of the same black material as Yrcanos'
hat and boots.
"Innkeeper!" said Yrcanos with volume whose description exhausts
simile. He bounded up to Francois and smashed a fist into his face, and was
repaid in kind. Those who had been present at their first meeting the night
before, or who had read or appeared in the recently posted TTR story in which
a relative of Francois visited the tavern, paid no attention to Francois'
standard mode of greeting reserved for those whom he loves and respects the
Peri smiled after him, shocking the Doctors out of their mindfugue with
the unhappy realization that She was smiling at someone else. But then she
turned to them, continued smiling, and approached the Doctors' table.
"She's coming right for us," said Doctor Three in a panic.
"Stay clam!" yelped Doctor Five, commiting this arc's obligatory at-
least-one-per-story typo.
"Clam up!" Doctor Two retorted.
Himselves took him at his word, and said nothing when Peri arrived at
the table. This was at least in part a return of their fascination with her
minimal costume at its approach. For her part Peri couldn't help but notice
hims' interest, and allowed herself to redden shyly for a time before saying,
The need for manners brought the Doctor abruptly to himselves. "We're
staring," said Doctor Three, breaking the spell. "We're in the company of
"Pardon us, please," said Doctor Two as he all stood graciously.
"You are a vision," said Doctor Four, grabbing a chair for Peri from
the next table, heedless of that the chair had been occupied by Liz.
"Thanks," said Peri, sitting. Another awkward silence descended. "I'd've
thought," she finally continued, "that this wasn't anything to ... to catch
your eye. Not since you saw me naked in 'State of Decay'." Though her manner
was perfectly casual she reddened further. The Doctors thought it quite
"The MA, not the serial," Doctor Six asided to Doctor Four.
"I know!" snapped Doctor Four.
"Well, presentation can count for much you know," said Doctor Three with
all their charm.
"The idiom 'leaves nothing to the imagination' assumes rather little
imagination on the part of the viewer," smiled Doctor Seven.
"It's quite attractive," blurted Doctor Two.
"Had I been familiar with the design of the royal garments," said Doctor
One, leading himselves for the first time firmly across the line into
flirtation, "I should have visited Krontep by now."
"You may assume that first-person-singular to be a first-person-plural,"
added Doctor Eight.
Peri's color had about returned to normal, but now she flushed pink
"Actually, I was thinking," she said, "maybe you'd like to come see my
planet sometime."
"Love to," said Doctor Six.
"Maybe even ... tonight?" said Peri, tenatively, as if scared she would
scare hims. "I mean, if you haven't any other plans ..."
"I am at your service," said Doctor Six, rising.
There was an intense telepathic argument, which if transcribed into
words would run about ten times the length of the present work, but which
shall be glossed over with a summary of its conclusions: that it would have
been rude and overwhelming to Peri for all eight of him to go; and that, if
only one were to go, Doctor Six as her traditional Doctor match was the
default choice.
"Great!" said Peri, and if the smile she'd sent after Yrcanos was a one
hundred watt lightbulb, the smile she gave Doctor Six now was the Great White
Way on Broadway in New York. "Yrcanos!" she called.
"Yes, my sweet warrior terror?" answered Yrcanos. His tone reflected not
one whit that Francois was sitting on his back and pulling his leg up so hard
as to induce him to repeatedly slam his palm onto the floor.
"I'm going to take the Doctor home," Peri told him.
"Very well," said Yrcanos. "Don't wait up." Any residue of emnity for
Doctor Six which the warrior king may have had left after the events of
"Mindwarp" had been dispersed after his arrival the evening before. Though
the Doctor[s] had left in haste, it had been made clear to Yrcanos in his
absence that it was his existence that caused the existence of this gathering
place to which Yrcanos has taken to so abruptly.
Peri reached out for Doctor Six's hand and led him out the main door of
the tavern. Everyone in the tavern who wasn't engaged in a social deathmatch
exchanged knowing smiles, except the remaining Doctors, who each sat back in
his chair, smiled bemusedly, and murmurred, "She's letting me take her home."
"Enough!" laughed Yrcanos. "Twice your tip! Now where is the delightful
little girl with the sharp-edge fetish?"

"I can't help but notice," said Doctor Six after awhile, "that almost
everyone in this park is indulging in what the adolescents of your time on
Earth term 'Public Displays of Affection'." Double-taking at one couple, and
then again at the next, he added, "Of considerably more than affection.
Aren't there hotels on this planet?"
"Oh, come on, Doctor, that's what those little pavillions are for," said
"I see," said Doctor Six, noting one whose curtains were not adequately
drawn. "Are you implying that this display means the pavillions must all be
in use - for similar activity?"
"Remember, Krontep doesn't exist anywhere but in fanfiction with me in
it. You know what kind of fanfiction most of *that* is. The glory of battle
is for daytime hours. This is the most hedonistic, anti-monogamous, horny
planet in the universe. You know how the Eskimos have seventeen words for
snow, but all the English verbs for sex are either clinical or crude?"
"It hadn't escaped my notice."
"On Krontep there are about a hundred verbs for sex, and several hundred
more for foreplay. Winniking is getting to second base. Moonting is having
sex with a stranger you don't even ever speak with the whole time, woman on
top. Surressing is making love with your chosen life mate. ...Not that
there's ever any of *that* in the stories I'm in."
Doctor Six nodded. "My Time Lord gift for translation is confirming for
me what you're saying. ... And you and Yrcanos? Usually the titles King and
Queen imply some sort of legally sanctified pairbond."
"Well, we franpop [have sex from ex-officio obligation with someone
you're friends with] of course," Peri admitted, looking away from him but
increasing her grip on his hand. "It's not wah-krynnething [having sex from
mutual uncontrollable lust, the prefix 'wah-' denoting satisfying each other
three or more times each], but it's not quoogling [having sex from ex-officio
obligation despite mutual detestation; used figuratively as a crudity]."
"In the course of your official and social duties," Doctor Six asked,
"do you ... frune?"
"Once in awhile. Actually, the queen has people to do that for her."
"Do you ngollos?"
"Once, in a BLAKE'S 7 crossover."
"Do you ..." Doctor Six wasn't sure he wanted to ask this. "...
She still hadn't looked back to him. "Not in any stories you don't know
"Do you ..." Doctor Six was sure he wanted to know this, but he still
didn't want to ask. "... surress?"
"Um ... not yet. ... Um ... I was kind of hoping, tonight ..."
Doctor Six froze. After a moment Peri finally looked back to him, eyes
wide as if a phalanx of Daleks had their weapons taking a bead on her heart.
Doctor Six gave her hand a quick squeeze before taking his from hers, then
took her face in his hands and prasmed her on her lips. When they broke apart
they both wore grins of unbound joy.
"Come on!" Peri cried, grabbing his hand and leading him off at a run.
They passed several couples until Peri pulled Doctor Six to and inside a
pavillion bearing the Krontep royal seal which proved to be vacant.
Their momentum propelled them onto the bed within, and they found
themselves on their sides facing each other. Peri prasmed Doctor Six. He
dasted her. There was a long rustling as Doctor Six's clothing was ejected
onto the floor, and two clangs, a chink and a clatter as Peri's was. There
was tenative rindling, leading to explorative ponning, to adventurous
jevverosing, finally to serious norhrodding ... and, ultimately, to
In fact, wah-surressing.