TTR / Storytime! Macbeth

Act 1

Izzy looked around the nursery with satisfaction. The subdued weather seemed to have dampened the toddlers' spirits; so far today, no-one had managed to injure anyone else (though if she hadn't confiscated the toy stethoscope Nyssa had been using in the game of Doctors and Nurses things might have been different), no-one had been ill, and there hadn't even been any breakages.

She reached for the storybook—

—For a moment, she was standing in a T-Mat cubicle, and a blonde woman in a strange-looking jumpsuit was outside, calmly working the controls—

—And then she was in another cubicle, one whose purpose was all too obvious.

Jamie sat in the chair, while Samantha knelt among the toddlers and settled them down.

"That's Big Jamie," said a tiny dark-haired girl in a primrose-yellow romper suit. "Does that mean Big Zoë's here as well?"

"No," Samantha said. "She bottled it."

"Good." Little Zoë smiled tightly. "If she comes back here I'll get her. She thinks she's clever, but she's not as clever as me. No-one's more cleverer than I am..."

She took a pace back, stumbled, and fell over. Samantha managed to catch her before she hit the ground.

"Yeah," she said. "I can see that."

Jamie cleared his throat, and began to read.

"The Tragedy Of Macbeth," he proclaimed.

[Act 1, Scene 1. A desert place. Thunder and lightning. Enter three witches.]

Movie-Susan:
When shall we three meet again?
In thunder, lightning, or in rain?

Jackie:
When the hurley-burley's done;
When the battle's lost and won.

Sarah Jane Smith (the older Sarah from 'School Reunion') :
That will be ere the set of sun.

[She stops, and looks at the other two.]

The maiden, the mother and... I see. By the way, are we going to be doing the whole thing word for word?

Jamie / Narrator:
I think we'll skip some bits, so the wee bairns don't get bored. But ye might as well finish this scene.

Movie-Susan:
Where the place?

Jackie:
Upon the heath.

Sarah:
There to meet with Macbeth.

Movie-Susan [putting her hand to her ear] :
I come, Grimalkin.

Jackie:
Paddock calls.

Sarah:
Anon.

All:
Fair is foul, and foul is fair,
Hover through the fog and filthy air.

[As ponderously as Daleks, they elevate.]

"Who's calling them?" asked little Martha.

"That's their familiar spirits," Jamie explained. "Grimalkin's probably a cat, and Paddock's a frog."

"Do the witches turn people into frogs?" Martha asked hopefully. "Is that how they get frogs that can talk?"

Jamie shook his head solemnly. "No-one's getting turned into a frog today."

The baby Rani scowled. "If no-one gets turned into a frog this is a useless story."

"Why didn't we see their cat?" grumbled the little Ainley Master. "Cats are nice."

[Act 1, Scene 2. A camp near Forres. Alarum within. Enter King Duncan, Malcolm, Donalbain, Lennox, with attendants, meeting a bleeding Captain.]

Yrcanos / Duncan:
What bloody man is that? He can report,
As seemeth by his plight, of the revolt
The newest state.

Richard Mace / Malcolm:
This is the sergeant
Who like a good and hardy soldier fought
'Gainst my captivity. Hail, brave friend.
Say to the King the knowledge of the broil
As thou didst leave it.

"Did somebody order..." Mel counted solemnly on her fingers. "Two large hams?"

Captain Jack:
Yep, I'm here to tell you how the battle's going. Don't worry about, y'know, the blood and that. I'll be all right in a few minutes. Anyway, here's the story. The bad guys were someone called Macdonald and the king of Norway. We were pretty much getting hammered, but Macbeth and Banquo saved our butts. Don't bother calling the surgeons, I'll just stick around until I'm better.

[Enter Ross and Angus.]

Yrcanos / Duncan:
Who comes here?

Richard Mace / Malcolm:
The worthy Thane of Ross.

Brigadier / Ross:
I'll come straight to the point. We won.

Yrcanos / Duncan:
Great happiness!
No more that Thane of Cawdor shall deceive
Our bosom interest. Go pronounce his present death,
And with his former title greet Macbeth.

Brigadier / Ross [clicking his heels]:
I'll see it done.

Yrcanos / Duncan:
What he hath lost, noble Macbeth hath won.

[Exeunt severally.]

"What was all that about?" Baby Jo asked.

"There was a battle," Samantha explained. "And Macbeth was one of the generals on the king's side. The Thane of Cawdor fought with the enemy, so he's going to have his head cut off and Macbeth's going to get his job."

The children leaned forward, eager to see what would happen next.

[Act 1, Scene 3. A heath near Forres. Thunder. Enter the three witches.]

Movie-Susan:
Where hast thou been, sister?

Jackie:
Sister! You've got a nerve.

Sarah:
I think we'd better drop poetic forms. Let's tell them all what sort of day we've had.

Movie-Susan [sighs] :
All right. I've been plotting to give a sailor a really hard time because his wife wouldn't give me her chestnuts. [She looks puzzled.] I don't even like chestnuts.

Jackie:
I put me feet up and had a nice rest.

Sarah:
And I—

[Drum within.]

Sarah:
A drum, a drum—
Macbeth doth come.
Er, I think we're supposed to dance in a ring?

Jackie:
Sod that for a game of soldiers. Let the kid do it.

[Movie-Susan accordingly capers about a bit. Enter Macbeth and Banquo.]

Turlough / Macbeth:
I might have known. Here we are again, stars of stage, screen and Story Time.

Adric / Banquo:
Tell me about it. [He turns away from Macbeth.] Do I by any chance have a target painted on the back of my tunic?

Turlough / Macbeth:
Not a visible one. [He looks around gloomily]. Rotten weather, too.

Adric / Banquo:
Hello. Who are these three people? I don't like the look of them, so withered and so wild in their attire.

Jackie [aside] :
Fashion advice from a bloke in yellow pyjamas. Now I've heard it all.

Turlough / Macbeth:
Speak, if you can. What are you?

Movie-Susan:
All hail, Macbeth! Hail to thee, Thane of Glamis.

Jackie:
All hail, Macbeth! Hail to thee, Thane of Cawdor.

Sarah:
All hail, Macbeth, that shalt be king hereafter!

Adric / Banquo:
That's... interesting. Do I get some testable predictions too?

Movie-Susan:
Lesser than Macbeth, and greater.

Jackie:
Not so happy, yet much happier.

Sarah:
Thou shalt get kings, though thou be none.
So all hail, Macbeth and Banquo!

Turlough / Macbeth:
And that's infuriatingly enigmatic. D'you have anything more practical to say?

[The witches cross their hands over their hearts, and vanish with a wheezing, groaning sound.]

Turlough / Macbeth:
There's something you don't see every day.

[Enter Ross and Angus.]

Brigadier / Ross:
Macbeth! Splendid. The King wants to see you.

Group Capt Gilmore / Angus:
And he's going to make you Thane of Cawdor.

Adric / Banquo:
That was quick.

Turlough / Macbeth:
What happened to the last Thane?

Group Capt Gilmore / Angus:
He's still alive, but that won't last very long. He was on the losing side, you see.

Turlough / Macbeth [aside] :
Oh, great. This is where I get to agonise about whether the witches' prediction means I have to resort to murder to be made king. Well, I'm not doing it, and that's final. [A thought strikes him.] I wonder what the wife will say about all this? Best not to tell her.

Adric / Banquo:
Worthy Macbeth, we stay upon your leisure.

Turlough / Macbeth:
All right, coming.

[Exeunt.]

Little Jo put up her hand.

"Why isn't he going to tell his wife?" she asked.

Jamie peered at the text of the play, but enlightenment eluded him.

"Samantha?" he eventually asked.

"Actually, he's supposed to," Samantha said briskly. "I think he might be trying to muck the story about. We'd better keep an eye on him."

"Aye, that's it," said Jamie with relief, and turned over two pages at once without noticing.

[Act 1, Scene 5. Inverness, Macbeth's castle. Enter Lady Macbeth and Banquo.]

Tegan / Lady Macbeth:
Hang on. I'm supposed to be playing an infamous villainess, and I nag my husband until he commits a series of murders just to shut me up? What is this Book trying to say about me?

Adric / Banquo:
Um... I suppose it can't get things right all the time.

Tegan / Lady Macbeth:
Getting things right once would be a start. [She gets into character.] So you say you met these three weird women?

Adric / Banquo:
Yes, and they came up with all sorts of strange predictions.

Tegan / Lady Macbeth:
Like what?

Adric / Banquo:
Well, they said your husband was going to be Thane of Cawdor. And then it came true.

Tegan / Lady Macbeth:
Anything else?

Adric / Banquo:
Um. Er. No. Definitely not.

Tegan / Lady Macbeth:
Well?

Adric / Banquo:
He made me promise not to tell you.

Tegan / Lady Macbeth:
Oh, did he? If you don't spill the beans, I'll clout you round the ear.

Adric / Banquo [backing away] :
Not that there's anything to tell you...

Tegan / Lady Macbeth [advancing threateningly on him] :
Come on, cough it up. You will tell me! YOU! WILL! TELL! MEEEE!!!!

Adric / Banquo [against a wall, with nowhere to run] :
Theysaidhe'dbecometheKing.

Tegan / Lady Macbeth:
What?

Adric / Banquo:
They said he'd become the King.

Tegan / Lady Macbeth:
Hmmm. All right, you can go now.

[Adric / Banquo makes his escape. Frobisher enters, in penguin form, carrying a silver salver and trying to look like a butler.]

Frobisher:
The King comes here tonight.

Tegan / Lady Macbeth:
Is my husband with him?

Frobisher:
So please you, it is true. Our thane is coming.

Tegan / Lady Macbeth:
Excellent. You can go.

[Frobisher leaves, singing tunelessly to himself.]

Tegan / Lady Macbeth:
The... oh dear... The penguin himself is hoarse
That croaks the fatal entrance of Duncan
Under my battlements. Come, you spirits
That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here,

"What does that mean?" Dodo asked innocently.

"It means she thinks women are soppy," Samantha replied. "So she wants to be less like a woman."

This brought forth a barrage of rude noises and cries of "Girls are better!" from various members of the audience.

"Yeah, I know," Samantha continued. "Jamie, I think you might want to skip a bit."

"That's no' a bad idea," Jamie said, noting with relief that he would thus avoid having to deal with the word 'compunctious'.

[Enter Macbeth.]

Tegan / Lady Macbeth:
So there you are. What time d'you call this, then? Don't expect any dinner on the table.

Turlough / Macbeth:
My dearest love,
Duncan comes here tonight.

Tegan / Lady Macbeth:
Oh, great. That's all we need, your boss coming round to dinner. I haven't got anything fit to eat in the castle. How long does he want to stay?

Turlough / Macbeth:
He's leaving tomorrow.

Tegan / Lady Macbeth:
I don't think so. He isn't ever going to leave, is he?

Turlough / Macbeth:
What?

Tegan / Lady Macbeth:
I know what you're planning. You're going to murder him tonight.

Turlough / Macbeth:
No! I'm not!

Tegan / Lady Macbeth:
Oh, yes you are. Those witches said you're going to be the King—

Turlough / Macbeth:
How did you know?

Tegan / Lady Macbeth:
Adric blew the gaff.

Turlough / Macbeth [aside] :
Drat.

Tegan / Lady Macbeth:
This time you'll do exactly as you're told.
My mind is clear. The King shall never leave
Unless he's first cut into tiny bits.
Which shall to all our nights and days to come
Give solely sovereign sway and masterdom.

Turlough / Macbeth [aside] :
I'll get you for this, Adric of Alzarius.

[Act 1, Scene 6. Outside the castle. Hautboys and torches. Enter King Duncan, Malcolm, Donalbain, Banquo, Lennox, Macduff, Ross, Angus and attendants.]

Yrcanos / Duncan:
This castle hath a pleasant seat. The air
Nimbly and sweetly recommends itself
Unto our gentle senses.

Adric / Banquo:
People keep telling me I should get out in the fresh air. I don't see what's so special about it.

[Enter Lady Macbeth, dressed in her purple uniform.]

Yrcanos / Duncan:
See, see, our honour'd hostess!

Tegan / Lady Macbeth:
'Hostess'. Oh my aching sides.

Yrcanos / Duncan:
Fair and noble hostess, We are your guest tonight.

Tegan / Lady Macbeth:
Please ensure luggage is securely stowed in the overhead lockers— Oh, rabbits. You've got me doing it now.

Yrcanos / Duncan:
Give me your hand.
Conduct me to mine host. We love him highly,
And shall continue our graces towards him.
By your leave, hostess.

Tegan / Lady Macbeth:
WILL YOU STOP CALLING ME THAT?!

[Act 1, Scene 7. Macbeth's castle. Hautboys. Torches. Enter a sewer and divers servants with dishes and service over the stage.]

The children started giggling. Jamie sighed.

"Look," he said. "When it says sewer, it means a waiter. And divers servants doesnae mean people in rubber suits. It just means 'assorted'."

[The servants, who are comprised of four Cybermen carrying a length of concrete pipe and the Third Doctor and the Delgado Master in their diving suits from 'The Sea Devils', look sheepish and creep away.

A waiter (a waiter droid from 'The Crystal Bucephalus') and diverse servants (comprising Rose, Astrid and Gwyneth in their maid outfits) pass through the room carrying trays of empty plates and glasses.

Then enter Macbeth.]

Turlough / Macbeth:
This is a really lousy idea. I'm supposed to murder a king who everybody loves and hope that no-one finds me out. And no-one's supposed to notice that, oh, what a coincidence, he was sleeping at my castle the night he died, and I just so happen to be the main beneficiary from his death?

[Enter Lady Macbeth.]

Turlough / Macbeth [unenthusiastically] :
How now? What news?

Tegan / Lady Macbeth:
He's nearly finished his dinner. What do you think you're playing at skulking around out here?

Turlough / Macbeth:
I'm good at skulking. Anyway, how are you getting on with him?

Tegan / Lady Macbeth [sweetly and calmly] :
About the ninth time he called me 'hostess', I said to myself, "If he calls me that once more I'm going to murder him." And then I said to myself, "No. My husband is going to murder him." [She suddenly rounds on him.] AREN'T YOU?

Turlough / Macbeth:
Um, well, I thought it might be better if we called the whole thing off.

Tegan / Lady Macbeth:
You're pathetic, you really are. Can't you do this one simple thing for me?

Turlough / Macbeth:
Prithee, peace.
I dare do all that may become a man;
Who dares do more is none.

Tegan / Lady Macbeth:
What beast was't then
That made you break this enterprise to me?

Turlough / Macbeth [mumbling] :
Actually, it was your idea...

Tegan / Lady Macbeth:
When you durst do it, then you were a man;
And to be more than what you were, you would
Be so much more the man. Nor time nor place
Did then adhere, and yet you would make both.
They have made themselves, and that their fitness now
Does unmake you. I have given suck, and—

Turlough:
Aargh! Too much information! [He covers his ears.]

Tegan [bright red] :
Oh, rabbits. I think I've just corrupted the nation's youth.

Turlough:
And made several fans' day, I don't doubt. Perhaps you'd better not stick quite so closely to the text in future.

Tegan / Lady Macbeth:
All right. Here's the plan. The King's going to be tired after his day's journey. When he's gone to bed, I get his chamberlains drunk. Then you can get past them to murder the King.

Turlough / Macbeth:
And make it look like his chamberlains did it?

Tegan / Lady Macbeth:
That's more like it.

Turlough / Macbeth:
I still think this whole murder thing is a terrible idea, but if it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere well it were done competently.

Tegan / Lady Macbeth:
See, I knew you had it in you.

Turlough / Macbeth:
I am settled, and bend up
Each corporal agent to this terrible feat.
Away, and mock the time with fairest show.
False face must hide what the false heart doth know.

[Exeunt]

"This isn't very exciting," baby Ace complained. "We didn't get to watch anyone's head being cut off at all."

"I don't think it's a proper war if you don't get to see it," little Tobias said. "Just having someone come in and tell you there was a big fight is cheating."

"Oh, you'd never allow something like that, would you?" Samantha asked him. "Not even if there was, I dunno, an invasion or something?"

The toddlers obligingly tittered.

"Anyway, it'll get more exciting later," Samantha continued.

She rose to her feet and crossed to where Jamie was sitting with the book.

"Can't you liven it up a bit?" she whispered to him.