TTR / Storytime! Macbeth

Act 2

Jamie waited until Samantha had settled the children down after their milk. Then he picked up the Shakespeare again.

"Now, children," he said. "Sit quietly and ye'll find out whether Macbeth did manage to kill the King."

[Act 2, Scene 1. The court of Macbeth's castle. Enter Banquo and Fleance, with a torch before him. Fleance is played by Zack, a small dark-haired boy of about six.]

Adric / Banquo :
How goes the night, boy?

Zack / Fleance :
The moon is down. I have not heard the clock.

[Enter Macbeth.]

Adric / Banquo :
Give me my sword. [Zack does so.] Who's there?

Turlough / Macbeth :
I'll let you have three guesses.

Adric / Banquo :
Oh, it's you.

Turlough / Macbeth :
What a surprise, considering who owns this castle.

Adric / Banquo :
You're up late. I'm going to turn in now.

Turlough / Macbeth :
Sleep well.

[Exeunt Banquo and Fleance.]

Turlough / Macbeth :
I will proceed no further in this business.
He hath honoured me of late, and I have bought
Golden opinions from all sorts of people,
Which would be worn now in their newest gloss,
Not cast aside so soon.

Jamie sighed. "He's supposed to have made up his mind in the last act. We're getting nowhere. Samantha, can ye take the book a moment? I'm going tae have a wee word wi' yon lamarag."

Turlough :
Are you still there? I don't see why I should be sneaking around murdering people all the time— aargh!

[Jamie has appeared before him, semi-transparent, in a swirl of tartan-patterned video effects, robed in black and with a raven on his head.]

Jamie :
Can ye no' jist get on wi'it?

Turlough :
Whatever do you think you're doing?

Jamie :
I'm telling the little children an exciting and historical tale. And you're going tae murder the King.

Raven [nodding] :
Aark.

Turlough :
I'm always getting roped into stupid murder plans and it isn't fair.

Jamie :
Look, I'll make it easy for you.

[He draws his skean-dhu and holds it up in front of Turlough.]

Turlough / Macbeth [with a deep sigh] :
Is this a dagger which I see before me,
The handle toward my hand? Come, let me clutch thee.

Jamie :
Fine. Now keep it up, because ye'll no' be getting out of the story otherwise.

[He vanishes. A bell rings.]

Turlough / Macbeth [resignedly] :
I go, and it is done. The bell invites me.
Hear it not, Duncan; for it is a knell
That summons thee to heaven or to hell.

[He creeps into the bedchamber with a dagger at the ready. A moment later, we hear a roar from King Yrcanos, who proceeds to chase him out of the bedchamber and through the castle, brandishing a colossal claymore.]

Turlough [desperately running] :
This isn't how it's supposed to go!

Yrcanos [charging after him] :
Die! You Mentor pigs!

Jamie looked helplessly at Samantha, and made urgent gestures.

Samantha / Narrator [frantically improvising] :
As they came to the top of the main staircase, the King... tripped over a broom... and fell down the stairs... and landed on his own sword... and was hit by falling masonry... and died of an ingrowing toenail.

[Yrcanos, lying artistically among fallen polystyrene boulders, with a sword propped up to look like it's sticking in him, and plenty of the inevitable tomato sauce everywhere, does a scene-shaking death cry.]

"He has murdered his rightful leader," Baby Leela commented. "For this he must be punished by his tribe."

"Yeah," Ace said happily. "Loads of blood. Ace."

[Act 2, Scene 2. Macbeth's castle. Enter Lady Macbeth. She's still dressed as an air hostess and is carrying a tray of miniatures, some of which are empty.]

Tegan / Lady Macbeth :
Right, that's the King's servants drugged. And I put the daggers out ready for my husband, so he can't come up with any lame excuses about not having the weapons to hand.

[Enter Macbeth.]

Turlough / Macbeth [looking somewhat exhausted] :
I have done the deed. Didst thou not hear a noise?

Tegan / Lady Macbeth :
That depends. Did it sound anything like five minutes of bellowing followed by a lorry load of scrap metal being tipped off a cliff?

Turlough / Macbeth :
Yes, that would be it. [He looks at his hands, which are stained with red paint.] What a mess.

Tegan / Lady Macbeth :
Stop complaining. If you dwell on it you'll only make matters worse. And why are you still carrying those daggers around? You look like a vegetable salesman trying to drum up interest in his carrots.

Turlough / Macbeth :
Methought I heard a voice cry 'Sleep no more,
Macbeth does murder sleep.' Though that might be
The thought of what it would be like with you
Nagging me night and day for four more acts.

Tegan / Lady Macbeth :
Oh, shut up. Give me the daggers. I'll fake the evidence, you stay here and get a grip on yourself.

[She takes the daggers and her leave.]

[Knocking within.]

Turlough / Macbeth [jumping] :
Aargh! Oh, it's just somebody at the door. My nerves are in shreds. [He looks at his hands.] And I bet this paint won't wash off properly.

[Enter Lady Macbeth; her hands are now painted red as well.]

Tegan / Lady Macbeth :
My hands are of your colour, but I shame
To wear a heart so white.

[Knocking within.]

Tegan / Lady Macbeth :
There's somebody at the door.

Turlough / Macbeth :
Yes, I had worked that out, thank you.

Tegan / Lady Macbeth :
Then let's get back to our bedroom, wash our hands, and make it look like we were asleep in bed. Honestly, have you never read any detective fiction?

Turlough / Macbeth :
I did Macbeth in the fifth form. Trust me, Sherlock Holmes does not put in an appearance.

[Knocking within.]

Tegan / Lady Macbeth :
Get a move on! [She makes for the bedroom.]

Turlough / Macbeth :
Wake Duncan with thy knocking. I would thou couldst.

[He follows her.]

"Why did he say that?" little Susan asked. "He knows the King's dead."

"And if he did wake up he'd only chase him again," added baby Sarah.

"That bit was funny!" Vicki giggled.

"Look," Samantha said patiently. "He wishes the King would wake up, because now he's killed him he realises what a bad idea it was. Actually, he realised that before, but his wife talked him into doing it anyway."

"What was all that about the paint on his hands?" little Nyssa asked. "If water won't do it he could try white spirit or turpentine or Swarfega."

"Swarfega turns you into a hairy green monster," Liz said seriously.

Vicki giggled again. "I'd like to see that happen to someone in this play."

[Act 2, Scene 3. The castle gateway. Enter a porter. Knocking within.]

Jo / Porter [rather tipsy] :
Ooh, hang on. I'm on my way.

[Knocking within.]

Jo / Porter :
It's all right, I can hear you. Now where did I put the key?

[She delves in her handbag. Knocking within.]

Jo / Porter :
Got it. No, wait, that's for the TARDIS.

[Knocking within.]

Jo / Porter :
Don't panic, everything's under control. Now that's the key for Bessie, and that one's for my flat, and— [She fumbles and almost drops the bag] Ooh, steady on there.

[Knocking within.]

Jo / Porter :
Calm down, calm down, I'm onto it. Ah. Here we are.

[She pulls out a huge iron key and tries unsteadily to fit it into the lock. It slips from her fingers and disappears down an iron grating.]

[Knocking within.]

Jo / Porter :
Whoops, butterfingers.

[She lies on the ground, opens the grating, and reaches into it.]

Jo / Porter :
Blast, can't quite reach it.

[The whirr of the sonic screwdriver is heard. The lock clicks; the door opens. Enter Macduff and Lennox.]

Ninth Doctor / Macduff :
Was it so late, friend, ere you went to bed
That you do lie so late?

Jo / Porter :
No, I've dropped the key down this drain. Can you reach it?

[Macduff effortlessly retrieves the key and hands it to her.]

Jo / Porter :
Thanks. You're a star. Now I've just got to see who's knocking at the door.

[She fumbles the key into the lock, and, not realising that it's already unlocked, opens the door.]

Jo / Porter :
Oh. There's nobody there. Wretched kids. [She turns and addresses the audience.] Now, all of you watching, please remember that it is very naughty to knock on doors and run away, and we certainly do not condone this behaviour.

Ninth Doctor / Macduff :
I believe drink gave thee the lie last night.

Jo / Porter :
Rubbish. I've hardly touched a drop. [She takes a few paces, trips over, and collapses in a heap.] Whoopsadaisy. Must have been a loose flagstone.

Ninth Doctor / Macduff :
Is thy master stirring?

Jo / Porter :
Well, he doesn't do anything for me! [Laughs far too loudly at her own joke.]

[Enter Macbeth.]

Ninth Doctor / Macduff :
Our knocking has awaked him; here he comes.

Turlough / Macbeth :
Morning.

Ninth Doctor / Macduff :
Is the King up and about yet?

Turlough / Macbeth :
Not yet.

Ninth Doctor / Macduff :
Only I've got an appointment with him in a few minutes time. [He holds up the psychic paper.]

Turlough / Macbeth :
I'll bring you to him.

Ninth Doctor / Macduff :
Don't worry, I know the way.

[He leaves.]

Ben / Lennox :
Rough old night last night, wasn't it? Terrible racket. Chimneys blown down and all, so they say.

Turlough / Macbeth :
Yes.

Ben / Lennox :
And ill omens and portents. Voices crying death on the wind and that. Not to mention I had a penguin on the roof trying to sing "Largo al factotum" all night.

Turlough / Macbeth [wincing] :
Omens and portents, you say? I didn't notice.

[Enter Macduff.]

Ninth Doctor / Macduff [shellshocked] :
He's dead.

Ben / Lennox :
Do you mean the King?

Ninth Doctor / Macduff [still shellshocked] :
That's right. Go and look for yourselves.

[Exit Macbeth and Lennox.]

Ninth Doctor / Macduff [pulls himself together, picks up a bell and begins to ring it] :
Wake up everyone! Someone's murdered the King! Malcolm! Banquo! Wake up!

[Enter Lady Macbeth, wearing her nightdress from 'Snakedance'.]

Tegan / Lady Macbeth [feigning sleepiness] :
What's all the noise about?

Ninth Doctor / Macduff :
Sorry, lass, but I don't know how to break it to you. You might scream or anything.

[Enter Banquo.]

Ninth Doctor / Macduff :
Oh, there you are, Banquo. The King's been murdered!

Tegan / Lady Macbeth :
You realise I'm still here? You could just have told me, you know. See, I'm taking it quite calmly. [Flatly] Woe. Alas. What, in our house?

Banquo / Adric :
You're right. You are taking it very calmly.

[Enter Macbeth and Lennox.]

Turlough / Macbeth :
All is but toys. Renown and grace is dead.
The wine of life is drawn, and the mere lees
Is left this vault to brag of.

[Enter Malcolm and Donalbain.]

Henry Gordon Jago / Donalbain :
What is amiss?

Mel silently counted to three on her fingers.

Turlough / Macbeth :
Well, this is going to be a tricky one to explain...

Ninth Doctor / Macduff [bluntly] :
Your royal father's murdered.

Richard Mace / Malcolm [striking a pose] :
Ohhhhhhhhhh, by whom?

Ben / Lennox :
Well, it's early days yet, but our prime suspects have got to be the chamberlains. They had the murder weapons, and blood all over their hands and faces. Odds are someone put them up to it. We'll see what we can get out of them under interrogation.

Turlough / Macbeth :
Um. Not very much, I'm afraid. I killed them.

Ninth Doctor / Macduff :
You did what?

Turlough / Macbeth :
Look! The King's been murdered! I wasn't exactly calm and rational! Of course I killed the obvious suspects on the spot without a trial! Why are you all looking at me like that?

Tegan / Lady Macbeth [flatly] :
Help me hence. Ho.

[She feigns a swoon, very badly.]

Ninth Doctor / Macduff :
Someone get her out of here. She's not taking it at all well. I told you she wouldn't. This is worse than screaming.

Richard Mace / Malcolm [aside, striking another pose] :
Why do we hold our tongues,
That most may claim this argument for ours?

Henry Gordon Jago / Donalbain [aside] :
What should be spoken here, where our fate,
Hid in an auger-hole, may rush and seize us?
Let's away. Our tears are not yet brewed.

"What wath all that?" asked baby Peri.

"It doesn't make any sense!" agreed little Zoë.

"Well," Jamie said. "What they meant was, um,..." He thought for a bit. "They think whoever murdered the King is going tae try and kill them too, so they don't want people tae notice them."

"Then perhaps they shouldn't stand about with their legs apart talking at the tops of their voices?" Donna suggested.

Adric / Banquo :
Look to the lady.

[Jo staggers to her feet.]

Jo / Porter :
Don't worry. I'm used to this sort of thing.

[Rather unsteadily, she helps Lady Macbeth up. The two depart, though it is not entirely clear who is supposed to be helping whom.]

Adric / Banquo :
Right. Now we need to crack on with the murder investigation. I wonder if we can get Sherlock Holmes?

[He pulls out something that looks like a PDA, and presses a few buttons. The PDA makes the characteristic 'chacka... chacka... plunk' noise of the Hitchhiker's Guide (TV version), and then begins to speak in a quiet measured voice.]

The Guide [in Stephen Fry's voice] :
It is a curious fact that, wherever a famous detective goes, people tend to get murdered in a variety of unpleasant ways. Whether the detective stays at home, is sent on a business trip, or decides to take a holiday, every would-be murderer in the vicinity takes their presence as a challenge to perpetrate a suitably baffling crime. One would think that really successful detectives should be obliged to carry red flags in order to alert possible victims to their approach. Until such a time as this happy state of affairs comes to pass, it is advisable to treat visitors showing any indication of detective ability with a degree of caution.

Persons in the vicinity of This Time Round are accordingly warned to keep an eye open for the following detectives, all of whom have appeared in 'The Captive Sleuths' by Patricia Smith and thus cannot be prevented from entering the Round: Sherlock Holmes. Auguste Dupin. Philip Marlowe. Sam Spade. Lew Archer. Lord Peter Wimsey. Nero Wolfe. Gideon Fell. Hercule Poirot. Miss Marple. Father Brown. Brother Cadfael. Nancy Drew...

[Adric presses another button. The voice cuts off.]

Adric / Banquo :
That's a fairly broad selection to be going on with.

Turlough / Macbeth :
Let's go and set up an, um, incident room.

[Exeunt all but Malcolm and Donalbain.]

Richard Mace / Malcolm :
What will you do? Let's not consort with them.
To show an unfelt sorrow is an office...

Jamie / Narrator [interrupting] :
Anyway, they decided to split up and get away as quickly as possible, in case the murderer came after them next. Malcolm set off for England and Donalbain for Ireland.

[Malcolm and Donalbain glower at him, and stalk off.]

Jamie beckoned Samantha over.

"D'ye think we need this next scene?" he whispered to her.

Samantha glanced over it. "Probably not. It's just a recap."

"Right." He raised his voice. "All right, children. We'll have another short break."

"Why did we see only one man die?" Leela asked. "We were told there were three."

"Perhaps the other ones weren't real people?" Peri suggested. "We never actually saw them."

"If they were not real, then what were they?"

"Balloons made to look like people," Peri said confidently. "And when the bad man put his dagger in them, they went pop."

"There aren't balloons that look like people," said Susan, who'd been following the conversation.

"Are too," Baby Tegan broke in rudely. "I seen one. He was flying an airplane."

"Aren't!"

"Are!"

Samantha hurried over to try and pour oil on troubled waters. Or, failing that, to bang heads together.