TTR / Storytime! Macbeth

Act 3

Samantha deftly separated little Nyssa and little Adric.

"Now," she said. "Nyssa, you sit on the cushion with Rose, and leave Adric be. And if I catch you pulling his hair again, I'll take you outside and you won't hear the rest of the story."

Once again, Jamie thanked his lucky stars that it was Samantha who'd agreed to come, and not any of the others. By now Zoë would almost certainly be embroiled in a battle of wits with her unscrupulous younger self, Isobel would have been reduced to trying to keep the children quiet by bribing them with sweets, and Victoria— well, if her toddler self was any guide, Victoria would now be huddling under a blanket, peeping out every now and again to see if it was safe.

"Are you all sitting comfortably?" he asked, and let the play resume before anyone could tell him they weren't.

[Act 3, Scene 1. The palace at Forres. Enter Banquo and Ace.]

Adric / Banquo :
Any luck with hiring a first-rate detective?

Ace :
Um, not a lot. Most of them don't really want to come to a windswept Scottish castle with no indoor plumbing.

Adric / Banquo :
That wouldn't stop Brother Cadfael.

Ace [glancing through a sheaf of rejection letters] :
His abbot says he can't be spared.

Adric / Banquo :
Well, try and get hold of whoever you can.

Ace :
Right you are.

[She leaves. We hear the sound of jet engines, followed by a splattering noise. Detective Inspector Sam Tyler pops into existence, dressed as the captain of the guard.]

Sam Tyler :
What the...! Did you see how fast that was going?

Adric / Banquo :
No, but I can probably work it out. 2006 minus 1973, 1973 minus 1040, divide... multiply... Assume an original collision speed of 25 miles an hour... I think, to send you back this far in time, impact would have to be at a speed of 706.81 recurring miles per hour. [He thinks a little more.] Plus or minus 0.75, of course.

Sam Tyler :
Are you telling me I've been run over by the Thrust SSC?

Adric / Banquo :
What's a Thrust...? Never mind. I'll have a word with Ace. Anyway, now you're here, perhaps you could give us your opinion on a murder case.

[He hands over a prochronistic police file. DI Tyler leafs through it.]

Sam Tyler :
I take it you've got a suspect already.

Adric / Banquo :
I think Macbeth probably did it. It happened in his castle and he was the major beneficiary.

Sam Tyler :
But you haven't actually got any evidence against him.

Adric / Banquo :
That's why we've called you in. We need to get some proof.

Sam Tyler :
Then what? Trial by ordeal? Combat? Here I was thinking DCI Hunt was primitive. I don't suppose you could send me back to 1973?

Adric / Banquo :
I think you'll have to wait until the end of the story. It looks as if the Book's managed to find a suitable rôle for you.

Sam Tyler :
Thanks a bunch.

[Sennet sounded. Enter Macbeth as King, Lady Macbeth as Queen, Lennox, Ross, lords and attendants.]

Turlough / Macbeth :
Tonight we hold a solemn supper, sir,
And I'll request your presence.

Adric / Banquo :
Of course, my lord.

Turlough / Macbeth :
Are you busy this afternoon?

Adric / Banquo :
I thought I'd go riding. Um. Except I can't ride. Can't I have a motorbike or something instead?

Jamie / Narrator :
No, ye'll still go riding. I'm sure the Book will work something out.

Turlough / Macbeth :
Well, whatever you do, make sure you're back in time for dinner.

Adric / Banquo :
Don't worry, I will be.

Turlough / Macbeth [suspiciously casually] :
Goes Fleance with you?

Adric / Banquo :
Ay, my good lord.

Turlough / Macbeth :
Good luck. See you later.

[Exit Banquo.]

Turlough / Macbeth :
Right, you lot. You can do what you like until seven. Off you go.

[Exeunt all except Macbeth and a Servant.]

Turlough / Macbeth :
Attend those men our pleasure?

Frobisher :
They are, my lord, without the palace gate.

Turlough / Macbeth :
Bring them before us.

[Exit Servant.]

Turlough / Macbeth :
Banquo knows something. Or suspects something. I'm sure of it. Not to mention that he was the only other person to see the witches. Still, dead men tell no tales.

[Enter Servant and two Murderers.]

Turlough / Macbeth :
Good. [To Frobisher] Wait outside until I call for you.

[Exit Servant.]

Turlough / Macbeth :
Was it not yesterday we spoke together?

Slaar / First Murderer :
It wassss, sssso pleasssse your Highnesssss.

Turlough / Macbeth :
Both of you
Know Banquo was your enemy.

Ssard / Second Murderer :
True, my lord. Though, to be frank, we'll kill anyone if the price isss right. Ssssss.

Turlough / Macbeth :
I want him taken out. Discreetly. So it doesn't look as if I had anything to do with it.

Ssard / Second Murderer :
We ssshall, my lord,
Perform what you command ussss.

Slaar / First Murderer :
Though our livessss...

Turlough / Macbeth :
Splendid. I'll show you a good place where you can ambush him. By the way, if his son happens to be with him, deal with him too.

Slaar / First Murderer :
We are ressssolved, my lord. Sssssss.

Turlough / Macbeth :
I'll call upon you straight. Abide within.

[Exeunt Murderers.]

Turlough / Macbeth :
It is concluded. Banquo, thy soul's flight,
If it find heaven, must find it out tonight.

[Act 3, Scene 2. The palace. Enter Lady Macbeth.]

Tegan / Lady Macbeth :
Where's my idiot husband got to? It's very annoying. I can't turn my back on him for five minutes.

[Enter Macbeth, looking twitchy.]

Tegan / Lady Macbeth :
Oh, there you are. You've been skulking again. Stop it. It won't do you any good.

Turlough / Macbeth :
I told you that murdering the King was a lousy idea. But would you listen? Oh, no, it was 'infirm of purpose' this and 'screw your courage to the sticking-place' that. And now you're beginning to get edgy, aren't you? Hearing the footsteps behind you, getting a little closer each day...

Tegan / Lady Macbeth :
Shut up! You can't go to the feast looking like that. Sort yourself out.

Turlough / Macbeth :
All right. As long as you do the same. And make sure you're very attentive to Banquo. We need to make sure he doesn't get suspicious.

Tegan / Lady Macbeth :
Banquo... You're up to something, aren't you?

Turlough / Macbeth :
Best if you don't know until after it's all over.

Tegan / Lady Macbeth :
I just hope whatever hare-brained scheme you've cooked up is better thought out than your usual botches.

Turlough / Macbeth :
Thou marvell'st at my words; but hold thee still.
Things bad begun make strong themselves by ill.
So prithee go with me.

[Exeunt.]

[Act 3, Scene 3. A park near the palace. Enter three murderers.]

Slaar / First Murderer :
But who did bid thee join with usssss?

Nyssa / Third Murderer [reciting as if by rote] :
Macbeth.

Ssard / Second Murderer :
He needssss not our missstrussst, since he deliversssss
Our officesss and what we have to do
To the direction jusssst.

Nyssa / Third Murderer :
Hark, I hear horses.

[Enter Banquo and Fleance with a torch. Adric / Banquo is astride a hobby horse trying to keep hold of both the handlebars and the torch, while Zack / Fleance follows him knocking two halves of a coconut shell together.]

Slaar / First Murderer :
Ssssstand to 't.

[He strikes out the torch. Darkness.]

Adric's voice :
Run for it, Zack! Aargh!

[The coconut shells are heard accelerating away at an impossibly high speed.

Light returns. Adric is lying there, very dead, with a chisel sticking out of his back.]

Jamie / Narrator :
Hang on. Ye've really killed him.

Nyssa / Third Murderer [unconvincingly] :
I didn't mean to. [To Slaar] You shouldn't have struck out the light.

Jamie / Narrator :
What's that got tae do wi' anything?

Nyssa / Third Murderer [all sweet innocence] :
Well, obviously, I wasn't aiming to kill, but it was dark and I must have hit something vital by accident.

Jamie / Narrator :
Ye realise we need his ghost in the next scene?

Nyssa / Third Murderer :
Then you'll have to improvise. Good thing, too. Keeps you on your toes.

"Back in a jiff," Samantha said, leaving the room.

Nyssa / Third Murderer [reciting again] :
There's but one down. The son is fled.

Slaar / First Murderer :
Well, let'sss away and sssay how much is done.

[Exeunt, with Banquo's body.]

Samantha returned and dumped a white sheet in Jamie's arms.

"I've even cut out two holes for the eyes," she said triumphantly.

Jamie gave it a dubious look. "Are ye sure..."

"Oh, just get on with it, you wally."

The toddlers giggled as Jamie reluctantly draped himself in the sheet.

[Act 3, Scene 4. A hall in the palace. Banquet prepared. Enter Macbeth as King, Lady Macbeth as Queen, Ross, Lennox, Lords, and attendants.]

Turlough / Macbeth :
Right. Sit down, everyone. I'll circulate.

[Everyone except Macbeth sits.]

Tegan / Lady Macbeth :
Pronounce it for me, sir, to all our friends,
For my heart speaks they are welcome.

[The First Murderer sticks his head in at the door and waves at Macbeth.]

Turlough / Macbeth :
Excuse me a moment.

[He crosses to the door.]

Turlough / Macbeth :
How did it go? Did you get Banquo?

Slaar / First Murderer :
He'sss dead all right. Ssssss.

Turlough / Macbeth :
And Fleance?

Slaar / First Murderer :
He esssssscaped. Ssssorry.

Turlough / Macbeth :
Oh, blazes. Why can no-one ever do anything properly? Go away. I'll settle up later.

[Exit First Murderer.]

Tegan / Lady Macbeth :
You can stop the circulating now. Everyone's waiting for you to give the toast.

[Enter the Ghost of Banquo, and sits in Macbeth's place. In this case, the Ghost looks suspiciously like Jamie in a white sheet; as when he did a self-insert before, he's semitransparent.]

Turlough / Macbeth :
Now good digestion wait on appetite,
And health on both.
It's a pity Banquo isn't here. I hope no harm has come to him.

Ben / Lennox :
Have a seat, your highness.

Turlough / Macbeth :
Where?

Ben / Lennox :
Here, my good lord.

[Turlough / Macbeth goes to sit, and sees Banquo's Ghost for the first time. He covers his mouth and shakes, though whether with horror or hysterical laughter is not clear.]

Ben / Lennox :
What is't that moves your highness?

[Turlough / Macbeth makes strange whimpering noises.]

Ben / Lennox :
What, my good lord?

Turlough / Macbeth [with a supreme effort] :
Thou canst not say I did it. Never shake
Thy gory locks at me.

Jamie / Ghost [somewhat muffled under the sheet] :
I'm not. You can't even see my hair under this.

[Turlough / Macbeth loses it again.]

Brigadier / Ross [rising] :
Gentlemen, rise. His highness is not well.

Tegan / Lady Macbeth :
No! No! Everyone, please remain calm and fasten your— I mean, stay in your seats. He'll get over it in a moment.

[She speaks apart with Macbeth.]

Tegan / Lady Macbeth :
What the hell d'you think you're playing at?

Turlough / Macbeth :
Can't you see him? I defy you to keep a straight face. [He giggles insanely] Teeheeheehee...

Tegan / Lady Macbeth :
Shame itself,
Why do you make such faces? When all's done
You look but on a stool.

Turlough / Macbeth :
If charnel-houses and our graves must send
Those that we bury back, our monuments
Shall be the maws of kites. Wibble.

[The Ghost disappears.]

Tegan / Lady Macbeth [slapping him] :
What, quite unmanned in folly?

Turlough / Macbeth :
That really hurt. Is this what you call fun,
To slap me far too hard? The time has been
That when the brains were out, the man would die,

Little Nyssa nodded sagely.

Turlough / Macbeth :
And there an end. But now they rise again
With twenty mortal murders on their crowns,
And push us from our stools. This is more strange
Than such a murder is.

"It's just zombies," little Anji said dismissively. "My fwiend Dave says you can use black pepper and sea salt on them."

"Or fire extinguishers," suggested Liz.

"Or fire," said Leela.

Tegan / Lady Macbeth :
Look. Everyone's staring at you.

Turlough / Macbeth :
Sorry, everyone. I just had a funny turn there. Come, love and health to all, then I'll sit down. [To Frobisher] Give me a double Scotch.

[Enter the Ghost, who stands just behind him.]

Turlough / Macbeth :
I drink to th' general joy of th'whole table,
And to our dear friend Banquo, whom we miss.
Would he were here.

[They all drink. Macbeth looks round for Frobisher to take his glass, sees the Ghost, and double-takes.]

Turlough / Macbeth :
Go. Away. Whatever it is you're selling, I'm not buying any.

Tegan / Lady Macbeth [addressing everyone else] :
Please remain in your seats and do not panic.

Turlough / Macbeth :
Take any shape but that, and my firm nerves
Shall never tremble. But Jamie in a sheet!
I fail to see how anyone could find
That anything but comic. Go away
Before I lose composure once again.

[The Ghost disappears.]

Turlough / Macbeth :
Hey, why's everyone getting ready to leave?

Tegan / Lady Macbeth :
You just told them to. And you've really ruined the party atmosphere.

Turlough / Macbeth :
I don't know how the rest of you could stand seeing that.

Brigadier / Ross :
Seeing what?

Tegan / Lady Macbeth :
I pray you, speak not. He grows worse and worse.
Question enrages him. At once, good night.
Stand not upon the order of your going,
But make your way toward the exit chutes
Located at the rear end of the hall.

Ben / Lennox :
Good night, and I hope he's feeling better tomorrow.

[Exeunt Lords.]

Turlough / Macbeth :
It will have blood, they say. Blood will have blood.

Tegan / Lady Macbeth :
I know I keep saying this, but will you please pull yourself together?

Turlough / Macbeth :
Jamie in a sheet. That's almost as good as Jamie in a ballgown. [He giggles.] Right. Right. I'm over it. Macduff wasn't here tonight, was he?

Tegan / Lady Macbeth :
No. Did you invite him?

Turlough / Macbeth :
Not as such.

Tegan / Lady Macbeth :
Then send for him, and we'll see if he's loyal enough to show up.

Turlough / Macbeth :
Bet he won't. And while I'm at it, I'm going to see if those witches can tell me any more. Not to mention that the captain of the guard keeps giving me funny looks.

Tegan / Lady Macbeth :
Of course he's giving you funny looks. He's the Master.

Turlough / Macbeth :
He isn't the Master.

Tegan / Lady Macbeth :
How d'you know?

Turlough / Macbeth :
I asked him. He said it's just a coincidence that they look like each other. Anyway, the Master calls himself Harry Saxon and this fellow's name is Sam Tyler. Probably he's related to Rose and she got him the job as a favour.

Tegan / Lady Macbeth :
You haven't a clue, have you? 'Sam Tyler'. Rearrange the letters.

[A longish pause.]

Turlough / Macbeth :
Oh no.

Tegan / Lady Macbeth :
Exactly.

Turlough / Macbeth :
I'll find a way to get him out of here;
Perhaps I'll bump him off. For mine own good
All causes shall give way. I am in blood
Stepped in so far that, should I wade no more,
Returning were as tedious as go o'er.
Strange things I have in head that will to hand,
Which must be acted ere they may be scanned.

"He's being silly," said little Vicki dismissively. "They didn't have mind scanners then."

"He doesn't mean that," said Romana. "He means he wants to do the funny fings before anyone knows what they are."

"What, even him? How can you do something without knowing what it is?"

Romana shrugged. "Look at Jo. Half the time she hasn't a clue what she's doing — before, during or after."

Tegan / Lady Macbeth :
You lack the season of all natures, sleep.

Turlough / Macbeth :
Come, we'll to sleep. My strange and self-abuse—

[Tegan collapses laughing. Turlough blushes.]

Tegan :
Hah! Serves you right for that crack about me earlier.

Turlough :
Crack, eh? Nudge nudge. Wink wink. Say no more.

[Tegan clouts him upside the head. Exeunt.]

"What was she laughing about?" asked little Rose.

"I'll explain later," Samantha lied.

[Act 3, Scene 5. The blasted heath. Thunder. Enter the three Witches meeting Hecate.]

Movie-Susan :
Why, how now, Hecate? You look angerly.

Izzy / Hecate :
Have I not reason, beldams as you are?
Saucy and over-bold, how... did... you...

[She looks around, slightly dazed.]

Oh my. I'm in the story. I'm actually in the story. Are you there, Jamie?

Jamie / Narrator :
Aye. Look, Izzy, it's jist a wee bit o' fun, and ye can see that everything's well under control here.

Samantha leaned over his shoulder.

Samantha / Narrator :
Hecate put one hand on her hip and pretended to be a teapot.

[Izzy suddenly finds herself in a teapot pose.]

Izzy [angrily un-teapotting herself] :
When I get out of here, you're going to be in so much trouble.

Jamie / Narrator :
Aye, but ye're no' getting out until ye've played your part. Got that?

Izzy :
Play my part? How? Sorry, I haven't been in one of these things before.

Jackie :
Just relax and let the words come.

Izzy / Hecate [closes her eyes, breathes out] :
I am for th'air. This night I'll spend
Unto a dismal and a fatal end.
He shall spurn fate, scorn death, and bear
His hopes 'bove wisdom, grace and fear;
And you all know security
Is mortals' chiefest enemy.

[The Nokia ringtone is heard. Izzy looks puzzled, then pulls a mobile telephone out of her trouser pocket.]

Izzy [looking at the telephone in surprise] :
But I don't have a mobile. Where did this come from? [She answers it.] Hello? Yes, it all seems to be working. Yes, Hecate. Tell her I'll be right back.

[She puts the phone away.]

Izzy :
Hark, I am called! My little spirit, see,
Sits in a foggy cloud and stays for me.

[A blue glow surrounds her. She rises into the sky and vanishes.]

Movie-Susan :
Come, let's make haste. She'll soon be back again

[Act 3, Scene 6. The palace at Forres. Enter Lennox and another Lord.]

Ben / Lennox :
Well, of course, I wouldn't say a word against Macbeth. A strong king, that's what this country needs. [He coughs noisily.] Changing the subject completely, d'you happen to know how Macduff's doing these days?

Harry / Lord :
He's in England, trying to get help from their King and the Earl of Northumberland.

Ben / Lennox :
Be a funny thing, wouldn't it, if he happened to invade? Someone should let him know what things are like up here.

Harry / Lord :
Yes, I'm sure he'd find that very interesting.

[Exeunt.]

The little Tenth Doctor jumped up and down. "This is the wonderfullest stowy ever! Will Shakespeare is my favouwite witer! It's bwilliant!"

"That's nice," Samantha said politely.

"He says that about every story he listens to," Baby Donna pointed out.

Samantha looked over the toddlers. "Yeah, but most of you do seem to be enjoying this." She turned to Jamie. "What's eating you all of a sudden?"

"Did ye no' see Izzy? She kens we're here. If she catches us..."

"What if she does? I never knew anyone like you for fretting. Look, we finish the play, we tidy up, we get out, no-one would even know we'd been here. Didn't Izzy say how well you managed the kids last time?"

"Zoë said that was just to get at her," Jamie said thoughtfully. "I'm thinking now maybe she had a point."