My Crimes Against Fanfic
There are many places Outside Continuity where fictional characters hang
around between stories. This Time Round and the Subreality Cafe are the
most famous, but one of the weirdest is... The BBC Canteen.
Created from a thousand 1970s comedy routines, the BBC Canteen is
rumoured to be connected to the Plane of Infinite School Dinners (which,
yes, Seventh Doctor fans, means it has unlimited rice pudding). Beyond
its industrial green interior lies a maze of grey corridors which don't
quite look like TV Centre and don't quite look like Broadcasting House.
Within, the Goodies swap stories with Hamish and Dougal, Tommy Cooper's
on-screen persona (not to be confused with the man himself) compares
notes with Cooperman, and a strange meeting is taking place at the back
between two large, bearded men and one awkward looking guy in glasses.
"It's ridiculous", one of them was saying. "All these Radio 4 crossovers
you guys are doing and have I even been mentioned? The man who spent ten
years writing a Doctor Who roller opera?"
"I dunno. Daibh, do we take requests from fictional versions of comedy
songwriters?" wondered Bob the Muse.
"Yeah, why not? What kind of story were you thinking about?"
"Not bothered. As long as it gets me in the 'Round and I can start
harassing ... I mean meeting ... DW characters."
Daibhid gave a sudden grin. "And we could call it... 'It's Been A Bad
The others stared at him. "Riiight," said Mitch eventually. "I don't
suppose you've got John Elliott's e-mail?"
BBC characters copyright the BBC
Daibhid and Bob are mine
Mr Benn is his own person, this story has not been authorised by him in
any way, and if he's stumbled across it somehow, I'm really, really sorry...
So I looked, and behold, a pale horse.
And the name of him who sat on it was Death.
And the name of the horse was Binky.