From: jfgtesar@aol.com (JFGTESAR) Subject: ADRIC Nominee - The Ether Bunny (4) - Repost Date: 2000/03/12 Message-ID: <20000312180108.06354.00000557@nso-fk.aol.com> References: <38C2976C.468C2798@EnterAct.COM> Organization: AOL http://www.aol.com Newsgroups: alt.drwho.creative X-Admin: news@aol.com Subject:        TDOTB - Mithridates He Died Old - new - 5/5 From:        colin@cj4386.demon.co.uk (Clive May) Mithridates, He Died Old. by JFG and Clive May, from an idea by Clive May --------------------------------------------------------------------------- In the dining room at This Time Round, Mel and the 5th Doctor were studying the unfortunate remains on a breakfast plate - neither entirely certain what it was. "The cholesterol special?" Mel hazarded, prodding at the mess with a fork. "No, scrambled eggs and muffins," the Doctor guessed. Mel raised a disbelieving eyebrow. "This has got to stop. We don't all have your constitution." In silence they both watched as another companion bolted for the washroom. The dust slowly settled, adding emphasis to the silent accusation of the plate's contents. "Come on, Mel!" the Doctor urged at last. " You have to give her a chance. It WILL get better. The simple operation of the laws of chance..." "It could hardly get worse. All right Doc. But just one at a time from now on." The Doctor looked resigned. "All right, Mel. One at a time." * * * Smoke was coming from the kitchen of TTR again. Barbara had decided that Susan (I eat) Foreman should know more about cooking than just pressing the buttons on the Tardis' food machine. Since all knowledge is useful, the Doctor saw no reason to deny either of them the "pleasure" of the experiment, but as a healthy precaution, he had refused the use of both the Tardis' kitchen and its chem lab. Unfortunately, Susan, who could do five-dimensional physics problems in her head, couldn't follow the instructions in a three-dimensional cookbook. In desperation, Barbara restricted lessons to "1001 Things You Can Do With A Toaster Oven Broiler". The resultant series of burnt offerings were, at least, mercifully small in size. * * * The 3rd Doctor gazed suspiciously at the blackened, gummy mass on the plate. "Interesting. You poison your guest, and simultaneously give them charcoal as an antidote? How thoughtful." Jo put an arm around the crestfallen Susan. "Don't mind him. He'll probably take it back to the lab for analysis and then give it to Sergeant Benton for gluing Daleks to the floor, or something." "Aye, and he'll claim the credit for it too," put in Jamie. "Look, my dear," said the 2nd Doctor. "Why not work on something simpler?" "What could be simpler? I'm barely doing cooking as it is." He gave her a thoughtful sidelong look. "Have you thought about - ah - warming things up, then? Just for a start, you understand. When you've mastered the intricacies of that little operation then you can move on to more adventurous cuisine like - ah - re-heating left-overs? making grilled cheese sandwiches? Pizza Bagels? Coffee - you can boil water, can't you?" "She can boil the pot too," said Jamie to the air, replacing a melted-metal sculpture with a new percolator. (Which event caused the fourth Doctor some consternation, as he had just identified it to Romana as a genuine Jascoran Melt Sculpture from the early second period, and had begun to wax lyrical upon the style and the way the artist had captured to perfection the essence of the artform in the execution of this particularly fine example.) "The Doctor's right," said Jo, giving a grinning Jamie a shot in the ribs with her elbow. "Come on Susan. We're going to make snacks." Things settled down a bit after that, ....except for the water and toilet paper bills, which continued a remorseless rise. Aside from one unfortunate incident with a tossed salad - Benny, Chris and Turlough barely made it out the door before they tossed too - the atmosphere was more agreeable, especially after the 7th Doctor decided the results of the matzo ball mix were too heavy to juggle with, and Doctors 4 and 5 organized a cricket match. Apparently if you stuck to one type of "toastie" - i.e. grilled cheese and tomato sandwiches, or muffins from an add-water-and-burn mix - you'd be fine. Both Doctors and companions seemed to handle minimal amounts of single poisons without too much of a problem. * * * Lago bounced into TTR looking for something to eat. The tall, grey and white Bugs Bunny look-a-like had been chased by Cybermen thru a quarry all day and was famished. He knew if he went straight home, he'd clean out the fridge, fall asleep on the couch and wake up with indigestion, a stiff neck, and wrinkled ears, so he'd persuaded the 6th Doctor to stop off for a snack. Peri followed him in, haranguing him for his behavior. "...you just turned tail and ran! You were supposed to WARN me to duck! How was I supposed to know what was behind me?" Thin curls of smoke rose over her ears - from the wreckage of her expensive coiffure. "You should have read the script, Peri," he said reasonably, looking over his shoulder at the white, silky tuft protruding from his jacket (the kind with a center vent). "I didn't realize you'd miss such an obvious 'run' signal. I mean, if you have the idiom, I'd have thought you understood its imperative!" Peri glared at him, and ominously brushed cinders from her shirt. "Well, that's all water over the bridge now, isn't it?" asked the 7th Doctor, as Lago, released, bounded down the corridor to the washrooms. "Peri, it's good to see you again." "Hi, Doc!" She enveloped him in a hug. "My guy's just parking the TARDIS. He'll be in soon." She released him and turned to scrutinise the ruin of her hairdo in the full length mirror in the foyer, examining the wreckage with a wistful finger and flicking out more clinkers. "Hey," she said suddenly brightening, "you don't suppose the Odeon could be encouraged to write a little adventure where Alfonse, armed only with his trustee crimping irons, curlers and scissors, helps you... against a villain with a hare-brained scheme?" She broke off to eye the 6th Doctor's mop of unruly hair as he came up behind her. "Who's Alfonse?" he inquired, stopping to straighten his lapels and smile adoringly at his image over Peri's shoulder. "Oh - just my hair care specialist. Only if he did help one of you in a time travel adventure then he'd be eligible to pop in to the TTR and give me a quick make-over." She sighed, patted uselessly at the singed ends once more, and turned from the mirror. "Is there any food? - I'm starving!" "Ah - that rather depends on exactly what you mean by food, my dear," said the First Doctor with excruciating care. "Would you consider that Susan's toasties fall into that category?" "Lethal weapons, more like," observed Peri. She smiled as an interesting idea for a little revenge suggested itself for this morning's debacle. "Susan re-wired the kitchen replicator to produce them," the first Doctor went on, "and Barbara is punishing the lot of us for turning a blind ear to it. She's making us *eat* the output! Teachers! bah!" "I thought they had outlawed corporal punishment in their schools by that time," mumbled the 7th Doctor. "What was that about capital punishment?" the 1st Doctor asked. "You're just lucky I don't make you walk jug. 'Didn't hear a thing', my foot!" Barbara said, helping Tegan set out dishes. "You can't hear with your foot, my dear. Didn't you watch Sesame Street in that nursery school you taught in?" "It was high school - " "High chairs, did you say?" he cackled. "Speaking of hearing, what happened to Lago?" Jo asked. She saw one grey ear poking around the corner. "Don't be so shy," she coaxed, grabbing one of his hands and pulling him into the room. "What was all that about feet?" he asked her. "Isn't a rabbit's foot supposed to bring luck?" "Mine do, as long as they're still attached to the rest of me!" he said, gazing complacently at the enormous appendages sticking out the bottom of his trouser legs. "The better to run away with, my dear," groused Peri, fingering the ruined hair and shooting Tegan a conspiratorial glance. "Come on, hop to it! There's a buffet and a movie tonight. Let's eat!" "Has he been here before?" asked Jo worriedly as they moved away. "Just a couple of times, you know," said the 4th, trying to avoid catching Romana's eye and still looking a trifle abashed. "Is there anything to eat? and is something burning?" he added abruptly. "More of Susan's chemistry projects, my boy. Ah, - " said the 1st Doctor. "What?" "Shouldn't someone tell that young hare -ah - man - mm - about - " he asked, watching Lago browsing the buffet table under Peri and Tegan's insistent directions. * * * "What exactly are these dishes?" Lago asked Tegan, gazing at a bowl of suspicious yellow dip, his nose twitching at the smells. "It's probably better not to know," she said, helping him to a small portion of what was pretending to be tuna casserole. She dared not inspect it too closely in case it turned out to be the advance guard of an invasion of Gloop Monsters from Glarge - which seemed about as likely as it passing successfully for something tuna. She paid no attention to Jo trying to interrupt them. Peri, quite by accident, you understand, trod on Jo's foot, cutting off her attempted warning in a little squeal of pain. While her mouth was open, Tegan neatly filled it with a large ham and tomato toastie, effectively shutting her up. "You should try a little of everything to see what you like," insisted Peri, popping a toastie on his plate that looked as though it had gone three rounds with a ravenous dog, and come out the winner. Tegan winked at her and hummed a few bars of "Run Rabbit! Run Rabbit! Run! Run! Run! -" as she added a scoop of macaroni and cheese to his plate. Lago just managed to get a taste before the Something Tuna ruined its own plans for invasion by scoffing the rest, and promptly expiring on the plate with a groan of agony. No one noticed that Susan's cooking had just saved the universe. Which was a shame, seeing how much criticism her cooking was taking. "I would stick to one of the cold sandwiches," said the 4th Doctor, with a warning look at the two girls. He took away Lago's plate and gave him one with a lettuce and tomato on rye bread. Lago took a bite. "It's really better not to confuse your stomach with too many different things at once," said the 5th Doctor. Taking away the plate, he handed him an empty glass. "You'll need something to wash the sandwich down," said Mel, pouring in some reconstituted carrot juice. Lago took a sip and smiled. "Ah! Let me see now..." He rolled the juice around his mouth before swallowing. "Old Joby's Orange Superbs...From the second planting...In sand...Under glass...No...A cold frame in the south west corner of the vegetable patch." "Show off!" retorted Mel, with a wicked grin, and showed him the bottle. Lago pretended not to notice. "The movie's going to start soon," announced the Fifth Doctor. "Episode 2 of All Star Wars - The Umpire Strikes Out!" He took Lago's glass and put it in the sink. As the others took their seats, Lago moved to a bench at the back of the room so he could nibble as he watched. People were very hospitable here, but they changed courses far too fast for him to keep up. He was starting to feel odd - almost lightheaded. Perhaps he was hungrier than he had thought. "My whiskers feel strange," he muttered to Jamie. "I think they're starting to wilt!" "Don't eat that muck," Jamie answered. "Oatmeal and tea will settle you. Victoria," he asked, "have we got some porritch fur the puir beast - er, laddie?" "We've got some converted rice. That's plain and filling." "What was it converted from?" Lago asked, ears forward, curious in spite of himself. "Lawn clippings, I think," said the 6th Doctor, leaning back to shush them. "The replicator will take almost anything as input. I got it from Venus Equilateral in exchange for a radio repair manual." "Don't listen to them. Hot sweet tea will help more than anything," said Zoe, shooting the Doctor a look that he didn't understand. He frowned back at her, tapping out SOS in morse on his knee with a finger. They finally left Lago alone as the movie started. He moved quietly back to the table - he had been given so much advice he figured he ought to at least taste all the items, hoping something there would calm his stomach. * * * At the intermission, Lago was missing. "Where's our bunny?" Victoria asked. "I've not seen him," said Jamie. "Perhaps he went upstairs to lie down? The wee beastie did not look well at all." Peri and Tegan traded uncertain glances and went out to the kitchen. Harry came back in at a run. "Is there a Veterinarian in the house?" Seven Doctors looked at the Fifth, who took a deep breath. To cover his embarrassment he turned an inquiring look upon Harry. Lago was sitting on the floor near the open back door, clutching his stomach and moaning. His ears were wrapped firmly around some wet paper towels pressed to his forehead, his fur was flat, and his normally pink nose had turned a rather interesting shade of blue. The Doctors and Harry all examined him, one by one, while the companions formed a clump, whispering. Peri and Tegan stood together, looking a little contrite. "What's wrong with me? I feel like I've been poisoned," Lago whimpered, curling into a tight ball. Suddenly he gasped and bolted for the bathroom. "What did he eat?" Mel demanded of them all, hands on hips, accusation in her eyes. Each gave a different answer, with only Peri and Tegan remaining silent, as the 6th Doctor watched, puzzled. Finally, Susan stepped towards him. "What's wrong with my rabbit, young lady?" he demanded of the girl. "Grandfather, I -, " she started, but was interrupted by a babel of voices. "We didn't mean to -" "No one knew - " "We tried to stop it -' "It just happened - " "Do you know what made him so sick?" he asked. Susan looked at him and nodded miserably. "I didn't know he'd be so sensitive. No one did. It must be species specific." "Oh, no," he said quietly. She nodded again. "Not - " he gasped, horrified. Susan hung her head in shame. "MixingMyToasties!" The End ------------------------------------------- Disclaimer: Dr. Who copyright the BBC. Bugs Bunny copyright Warner Brothers. TTR created by Tyler Dion. Venus Equilateral copyright George O. Smith ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~ ARCHIVE INFO Title : Mithridates, He Died Old. Author: JFG and Clive May Blurb: In which the 6th Dr., Peri and Lago find out what's cooking at TTR Doctors: all Other Characters : various companions including Susan & Lago Type : Short fiction, TTR, series. Series note: part 4 of The Downfall of the Bunny Series (1st story is Spring Break)