[SOL bridge interior]
[NUMBER ONE (F) is alone on the bridge and is examining a shirt.]
NUMBER ONE (F): (to self) Which one... hmmm... Hell, I don't
know anything about this chick stuff...
[DOUG enters from the right, reading Diane's printout of 'Her'.]
NUMBER ONE (F): (to DOUG) Hey, Homeboy! Come here a
minute, would you?
[DOUG walks over, looking mistrustfully at NUMBER ONE (F).]
NUMBER ONE (F): I need your opinion on something. What's
more eye-catching, what I've got on or this blue thingy here?
[holds up a blue shirt]
DOUG: [shrugs] I dunno...
NUMBER ONE (F): [rolls eyes] Well, here, look. You see what
_this_ looks like... [turns in different directions]
NUMBER ONE (F): Now look at _this_.
[NUMBER ONE (F) is turned so that her back is to the screen and
her front is toward DOUG. She quickly takes off her shirt, and it
is evident from her bare back that she is not wearing a bra. DOUG
goes very pale, and a trickle of blood starts from his nose.
NUMBER ONE (F) pays him no mind as she pulls on the blue
shirt and fastens it.]
NUMBER ONE (F): How about it?
DOUG: Uhh... uhh... uhh...
NUMBER ONE (F): Think I ought to show you the first one
again? [begins taking off her shirt]
DOUG: Uhh... SorryIgottagobye! [DOUG runs off to the right]
NUMBER ONE (F): Hey! You didn't tell me-- Hey! (to self)
What's his problem? [changes back to her original blouse, still
with her back to the screen]
[NUMBER ONE (F), now dressed again, turns around just in time
to see the console light flash. She presses it.]
[Interior back room at This Time Round]
[HARRY is standing at the control console, smiling. Off-screen,
the sounds of shouting can be heard.]
HARRY: Hello, Old Boy-Girl!
NUMBER ONE (F): [winces] Hi, Harry. To what do I owe the
dubious pleasure of your call?
HARRY: I was just checking up. How is the fanfic?
NUMBER ONE (F): [shrugs] I've had puncture wounds that hurt
worse, but not by much.
HARRY: Capital, capital! Listen, could I bother you for a spot of
NUMBER ONE (F): Sure, I guess. What's the trouble?
HARRY: Well, you see, Adric has been back there with Mrs.
Forrester and her lovely friends for quite a while now, and I'm a
bit worried that he may be having trouble with the negotiations.
I was wondering if I should maybe give him a spot of help, or just
take in some tea, maybe, to give him a bit of a breather.
NUMBER ONE (F): I suppose that would depend on how badly
things were going. How much trouble do you think he's in?
HARRY: I don't really know much about that sort of thing. I
could let you see for yourself, and you could tell me what you
think. Is that okay?
NUMBER ONE (F): Sure, why not?
HARRY: Oh, thank you so much!
[HARRY walks back to the door in the background and opens it.
The camera zooms in on the opening, revealing ADRIC being
held in a choke hold by PROFESSOR BOBO (a large, shaggy
gorilla wearing glasses and a brown tunic) while PEARL
FORRESTER (a heavyset blonde woman with her hair in a bun
and wearing a severe-looking uniform) punches him repeatedly
in the stomach. Off to one side is OBSERVER (a very pale man
in a purple robe), holding a tray with a brain in it in one hand,
while making punching motions with his other.]
HARRY: What do you think? Should I go in there?
NUMBER ONE (F): Nah. Looks like Adric's got it well in hand.
[HARRY has closed the door and is back behind the console.]
HARRY: Thanks so much! I'd have hated to make a faux-pas.
[HARRY presses a large and conspicuous button on the console.]
[Various alarms, lights, and sirens go off as no chaos ensues.]
NUMBER ONE (F): (bored) Oh, I've got fanfic-sign.
[NUMBER ONE (F) walks off.]
[Door sequence: 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...]
[SOL Theater interior]
[All four enter the theater as usual and take their accustomed
DIANE: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) Did Harry say how the copy-
right dispute was going?
NUMBER ONE (F): Let's just say Mrs. Forrester isn't pulling any
[A screen in front of the four lights up and words begin to appear
> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
DIANE: (game show contestant) I'd like to solve the puzzle, Pat.
Is it, 'Antidisestablishmentarians'?
>SCENE 5: Nyssa's TARDIS
>(She is about to depart on her first solo trip.)
NUMBER ONE (F): I hope she didn't take the brown acid.
>N. I've thought about what sort of place I would like to visit. I
> think that I should avoid most of the places you'd go, Doctor.
NYSSA: I _do_ have my reputation to consider.
> I don't want to get into a lot of hot water on my first journey.
DOUG: Well, that eliminates the Jacuzzi factory.
>The advice of the council was based partly on my youthfulness.
>Maybe I should go some place where I can develop a better
>perspective on time.
>D. You could go to the end of time.
NUMBER ONE (F): (Doctor) Meat Loaf and Stoney could use
[The OTHERS all turn and look at NUMBER ONE (F) question-
NUMBER ONE (F): (to OTHERS) Don't tell me I'm the only
one here who remembers the song 'Paradise By the Dashboard
>That gives you a true appreciation for eternity. It is a bit boring,
>though. Nothing but background radiation and silence for
>centuries is every direction.
NUMBER ONE (F): Sounds like New Mexico.
>N. You speak of time as if it's a volume.
DOUG: (Nyssa) ...when it is, in fact, a basically content-free
>D. Did I? Then I'm probably right.
DIANE: Somebody's full of themself...
>N. Do you have any suggestions which might be a little less
>(The Doctor claps his hands in the suddenness of inspiration.)
DOUG: (Doctor) We could play patty-cake!
>D. Ah. I have the perfect place. I've always meant to get out
>there myself and have a quiet chat with him.
NYSSA: (Doctor) ...on IIRC.
> You can go instead and tell me what he's like.
>N. Who, Doctor?
DIANE: That's how a dyslexic sees the title of this show.
>D. The last Cyberman. That would be the world of Armitage,
>in the Orlogana sector.
>N. A cyberman? Aren't they one of the deadliest races in the
NYSSA: Didn't they try to kill me one time? [begins to sound
angrier and angrier] Didn't I help you stop them from blowing up
the Earth? Did they not, in fact, kill someone who was a sort of
friend of mine who eventually became the git who stuck me up
here in orbit? Did this author ever friggin' watch 'Earthshock'?
[The OTHERS ease away slightly during this rant.]
NYSSA: Get your continuity straight, Woon!
>D. Only when they were around in large number. The problem
>with races which set themselves upon the task of decimating
>large populations of other beings is that they
NUMBER ONE (F): (Doctor) ...feel compelled to come up with
convoluted plans centered on over-complicated technological
devices that are usually IBM PC-compatible.
>invoke a similar response in their victims, aimed in a reciprocal
>manner. It's one of Bosco's basic premises of trans-stellar
>sociology. Pity the Cybermen, Daleks, and so on have never
>read their Bosco.
DIANE: Good old Bosco. Founder of the 'State-the-Bleeding-
Obvious' school of Sociology.
>N. It does sound interesting. Will it be safe?
DOUG: If it were safe, it wouldn't be interesting.
>D. By all accounts.
>N. That means you don't know.
>D. Why else would anyone want to go look him up?
>N. That almost makes sense, Doctor.
DIANE: No more or less than anything else in this fanfic.
>D. I would recommend that you don't wear anything gold.
>Cybermen don't like gold.
DOUG: (Doctor) They've been listening to William Jennings
NUMBER ONE (F): (William Jennings Bryan) You shall not
press down upon the head-pipes of the soldiery this crown of
thorns, you shall not crucify the Cyber-race upon a cross of gold.
> It wouldn't be polite. You should hide that locket you're
DOUG: (Doctor, suavely) Here, let me put it inside your blouse...
>(It is, of course, the same locket introduced previously. She has
>taken to wearing it publicly, although even the Doctor doesn't
>understand what it represents. She is wearing her vulnerability
>more visibly, but it remains hidden.)
NYSSA: Visibly hidden? I get the impression that the author
never played much Hide-and-Seek as a child.
>(As a consequence, she hesitates to respond to the Doctor long
>enough that he has time to sense the deeper conflict. This
>interchange should be clear from body language.
ALL: [hold up middle fingers at the screen]
DOUG: Is that body language clear enough?
> She then takes the locket from around her neck and holds it in
>her closed hand.)
>N. All right, Doctor.
DIANE: (Nyssa) You win this time, but I'll be back! MWAHA-
>D. You already know that the TARDIS will use its sensors to
>find the spatial destination which satisfies the chronology you
>give it as well as the ideas in your head.
NYSSA: (to DOUG) It goes where you tell it to.
> You can override it if you have to, but the placer circuit usually
>N. I was surprised to see how many automatic circuits a
DIANE: (Nyssa) What's this 'Automatic Bimbo Companion
>D. You couldn't function without them and the symbiotic link
>you have with the TARDIS.
NYSSA: Co-dependency. Oprah did a show about that.
>N. I noticed that you have bypassed one of the primary circuits
>in your TARDIS.
DOUG: Not the 'Automatic Bimbo Companion Locator', apparently.
[NYSSA growls dangerously at DOUG.]
NUMBER ONE (F): (to NYSSA, hastily) He's talking about Peri.
>(The Doctor acts innocent.)
NYSSA: Just like O. J. didn't.
>D. Which circuit might that be?
>N. The failsafe which is supposed to keep Time Lords away
DOUG: (Nyssa) ...teenaged girls.
> major events which he might influence in any way, significantly
>meddling with history.
>D. I've never had much use for that circuit. I never meddle.
NUMBER ONE (F): (Doctor) I muck about. Big difference.
>N. You probably used the parts for something else.
DIANE: (Doctor) Well, one of my Companions asked me to
make a turbo-charged vibrator and...
NYSSA: Which Companion?
DIANE: (Doctor) Oddly enough, it was Ben.
>D. That's it. I stopped an invasion with it.
>N. So much for not meddling in history.
>D. It was only a small invasion.
ALL: That's what _she_ said!
>N. Yes, Doctor.
DOUG: The unsuccessful spinoff of 'Yes, Minister'.
>(He decides that it is time for her to go.)
>D. Well, I want to wish you the best of luck. If you get into a
> serious scrape, remember that I'll know (putting his hand over
>one of his hearts)
NUMBER ONE (F): I didn't know he had a heart down _there_.
DIANE: I'm surprised there's room. Most men keep their brains
> where you are.
>N. Thank you, Doctor. It seems strange to go off alone in a
>TARDIS without you.
>D. But I'm proud of you. And don't forget anything you learn
>from the cyberman: I'll want to hear the entire story when you
DIANE: (Doctor, as teenaged girl) And then we can stay up late
and do our nails and eat popcorn and listen to my new Hanson
>N. Bye, Doctor. When I come back, I want to ask you a
NYSSA: Namely, just how many licks _does_ it take to get to the
center of a Tootsie-Roll Tootsie Pop?
>D. Very well. Good-bye, Nyssa.
>(Exit the Doctor, an unprecedented act.
DIANE: I don't know about that. According to certain slash-fics,
Turlough has done it before.
DOUG: (to DIANE, confused) Done what?
DIANE: [grins evilly] Exited from the Doctor.
[The OTHERS mull this over for a moment, then gang up on
DIANE for a mass head-whapping.]
> The scene flashes to the exterior of Nyssa's TARDIS, which
>subsequently vanishes. The Doctor is left standing, alone.)
> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NUMBER ONE (F): It's Pissant University's marching band.
>SCENE 6: the Amalgam pub
>(Enter the Doctor's Amalgam.)
DIANE: [opens her mouth to say something]
NYSSA: (to DIANE) Don't _even_.
DIANE: [closes mouth]
>D. Are you always here?
>M. It's my favorite refuge from the Master.
>D. I thought you lived for the sake of irritating him.
DOUG: (Master's Amalgam) Yup. That's why I constantly sing
'Achey Breaky Heart' when I'm in the TARDIS.
>M. Even I can't stand him very long. (Always on the edge of
NUMBER ONE (F): He should get some ointment for that.
>he goes on.) Does something in particular bring you here?
>D. Yes. Brace yourself for news you may find painful.
DOUG: (Doctor's Amalgam) 'Hee-Haw' got cancelled.
NUMBER ONE (F): (Master's Amalgam) Dear God, no!
>M. If I must.
>D. It's about Nyssa.
DIANE: (Doctor's Amalgam) She's leaving you.
>(This, as always, causes an involuntary spasm in the Master's
NYSSA: Tee hee! My name has the same effect on Adric's colon.
>M. Well, tell me.
>D. The Doctor has decided to adopt her. She has undergone the
>Procedure of Primogeniture.
DIANE: Alliteration. Your key to quality fan fiction.
>She is now a Time Lord.
>(The Master's Amalgam reacts in a manner opposite to that
>which the Doctor's Amalgam expected.
NUMBER ONE (F): He puked rather than shit his pants.
> For that matter, he is surprised himself.)
>M. That's a good move.
DOUG: (Master's Amalgam) But, I'll move Queen's Rook to
King's Bishop Four to stay out of Check.
>D. I don't understand.
>M. I feel it in my bones:
ALL: (singing) ...I had a premonition that I should not go alone/
I knew the gun was loaded, but I didn't think it'd kill...
> the Doctor has set into motion a series of events that will nearly
>destroy my Master. I can hardly wait.
ALL: (flatly) Neither can we.
>(Both are confused and disquieted; outbursts which have the
>weight of prophecy often have that kind of effect.)
DOUG: I guess that means Moses was unpopular at parties.
> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NYSSA: We crossed the State Line, so Sherriff Justice will _have_
to stop chasing us now!
>SCENE 7: Nyssa is about to land her TARDIS on Armitage.
>(She has had an interesting several days of travel.
NUMBER ONE (F): (to OTHERS) Is it just me, or are y'all hearing
Ben Stein narrate this, too?
> She used some of the time to study details about Armitage from
>the TARDIS memory banks,
NYSSA: Armitage: mostly harmless.
DOUG: (to NYSSA) I think you did that one already.
NYSSA: [shrugs] Sue me.
> as well as to learn more about her TARDIS and what she has
DIANE: A homicidal psycho basket-case.
NYSSA: (to DIANE, sweetly) That's right, dearie. Just think on
that the next time you're in the shower...
>It was also the first time she became aware of her links to other
DOUG: She's on the Time Lord Webring.
> She could feel the symbiotic link to the TARDIS, could feel it
>responding to her.
DIANE: ...bucking its hips slightly as her fingers trailed across
NUMBER ONE (F): _Somebody's_ been at the PMEB archive.
> Far away, she could also feel the Doctor. As she moved away
>through space, it felt one way; when she shifted out through
>time, it felt different. She knew she could find him again just by
> the changes. Later, the the feel of the changes will tell her
> precisely where and when he is at all times.)
NYSSA: Good. I can keep him from violating that restraining
>(She now brings the TARDIS in on Armitage, landing behind
>the very inn in which the family is staying.
DOUG: (Church Lady) How conveeeeeenient.
> [God bless you, Charles Dickens.])
NUMBER ONE (F): (announcer) This fanfic is brought to you
by the American Non-Sequitur Association, where our motto is:
'Eat the wafer, Maria. Kudzu grew over the henhouse.'
>(By the way, her chameleon circuit works. It has transformed
>the outer appearance of her TARDIS to look like a
NYSSA: ...gigantic, color-changing lizard.
>(Before she leaves her TARDIS, we see her place the locket in a
DOUG: Down her bra.
DIANE: (to DOUG) Actually, despite what you see in movies,
hiding something in your bra is pretty damn uncomfortable.
NYSSA: [nods vigorously]
>She is leaving her memories for the moment, but for the moment
NUMBER ONE (F): (flatly) He'p me, he'p me. I be drownin' in
>(She exits the TARDIS and begins to explore the little town.
>She is a bit more cautious than the Doctor
DOUG: Which says what? Hell, _Custer_ was a bit more
cautious than the Doctor.
> and has made an effort to blend in as an observer rather than to
>dominate every encounter she might make [in the manner of
>someone else]. She has timed her arrival to coincide with that of
NYSSA: Well, if Woon's writing me as a wuss, at least it's a
>(She enters the inn after a bit of wandering about, carrying a
>piece of appropriate baggage.
DOUG: Samsonite fits in anywhere!
[A hatch opens in the floor and a robotic arm pops up, holding an
envelope. DOUG takes the envelope and the arm goes back into
the floor. The OTHERS watch as DOUG removes a large wad of
money from the envelope and stuffs it into his pocket.]
DOUG: (to OTHERS) Endorsement contract. [smiles]
NUMBER ONE (F): (thoughtfully, to self) Hmm... maybe I
should give the Marlboro people a call...
> Instruments in the TARDIS have pinpointed the location of the
>Cyberman's dwelling, but she wants to get a feel for the context
>of his world.
DIANE: Ah. Padding. A 'Doctor Who' tradition since 1963.
> She approaches the middle-aged woman who runs the inn.)
NUMBER ONE (F): (Nyssa, as Johnny Bravo) Hey there, sweet
momma! You smell pretty. Wanna smell me?
>N. Good day.
DOUG: (woman) For _you_, maybe. _I've_ just spent four hours
burying the cat.
NYSSA: Is it dead?
DOUG: (woman) No. Why d'you think it took four hours?
>W. Good day to you, young lady.
>N. Have you a room? I'd like to stay several days.
NUMBER ONE (F): (woman) Sorry, no room. But, you can sleep
in the stable with that young carpenter and his pregnant wife.
Heh. 'Virgin' she says...
DIANE: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) Begging for a lightning bolt,
>W. I have a nice room I'm sure you'll like. (She finds a key.)
>Please follow me.
DOUG: A hotel clerk that isn't surly and bitter? It _must_ be
>N. Thank you. By the way, I'm Nyssa.
>W. Pleased to meet you, Nyssa. I'm Marsus Biggins.
>N. Pleased to meet you.
NYSSA: (announcer) THRILL at the heart-pounding POLITE
>(They wander off.
DIANE: ...and are never heard from again. The End.
DOUG: (to DIANE) Dream on...
>The family then almost immediately enters from the street. The
>common room is otherwise vacant.)
NUMBER ONE (F): Ah. A metaphor for the plot of this story.
>F. Molli, I think I'll go for a hike in the woods. I expect I'll be
> back well before evening meal.
>(A high level of concern shows on her face.)
DOUG: (Molli, distraught) Don't lie to me! You're seeing that
Galadriel woman behind my back, aren't you?
>M. Don't go too far. You don't know this place very well.
NUMBER ONE (F): I suspect there are _lots_ of things Jon-boy
doesn't know very well.
>F. I'll try to keep from getting lost.
>(Exit the father.)
[DOUG, NYSSA, and NUMBER ONE (F) look sharply at DIANE.]
DIANE: (to OTHERS, annoyed) What? I wasn't gonna...
> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
DOUG: (soldier) Sir! We've got a platoon of Hyphenoid Infantry
taking up a skirmish line just north of our position!
>SCENE 8: a bit later, outside the town.
NYSSA: Meanwhile, back at the ranch...
DIANE: (to NYSSA) Hey! No cribbing from Alan Taylor!
>(A simple scene: Jonan is seen stumbling out of the last
>Cyberman's hut and back toward town, holding his arm and in
>quite a bit of pain.)
DOUG: (Jonan, angrily) Indian-burn _me_, will he?
> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NUMBER ONE (F): (soldier) Damn! Looks like the Hyphenoids
broke through our first line.
>SCENE 9: near the dwelling of the Cyberman.
>(The dwelling is not large,
DIANE: It's just a single-wide.
>but looks strong and built to last. There are no windows
DOUG: ...Cybermen being Mac users.
>and a single door. It is entirely utilitarian, without ornament.)
>(Nyssa is seen approaching. She makes it to the door.
NYSSA: Huh? Why wouldn't I? Is there a minefield or something?
> This might be a good place for some ambiguous music.
DOUG: Like some Prince, maybe? He's pretty ambiguous.
> A bit of suspense, but not exactly "Jaws".)
NUMBER ONE (F): How about 'Hall of the Mountain King'
played on the kazoo and theremin?
>N. Hello, is anyone home?
>C. Who is there?
NYSSA: No, he stayed on Gallifrey.
[DOUG reaches over and whaps NYSSA on the head.]
NYSSA: Oww! (to NUMBER ONE (F), angrily) Aren't you
going to do anything about that?
NUMBER ONE (F): [shrugs and whaps NYSSA] There. Sorry,
but anybody that makes that pun needs whapping.
[NYSSA glares at NUMBER ONE (F) and DOUG for a moment,
then sniffles and subsides, pouting.]
NYSSA: (singing softly) Nobody loves me/Everybody hates me...
>N. My name is Nyssa. I would like to make your acquaintance.
>C. Then enter, if you would.
>(We cut to the inside of the hovel.
DOUG: (Cyberman) Hey! Don't go dissin' my crib.
NYSSA: (still singing) ...Think I'll eat some worms./Big fat
juicy ones/Little-bitty crawly ones...
> It is reasonably clean. The most notable feature [beside the
>inhabitant] is the large quantity of books.
NUMBER ONE (F): The _Penthouse Letters Collection_, two or
three years' worth of _Hustler_, _Lady Chatterley's Lover_,
_Justine_, two biographies of John Holmes, and the Starr Report.
> The Cyberman himself is at a rough table, reading by
DIANE: Because he was too dumb to put windows in his house.
Some Universe-conqueror, huh?
>There are notes and writing implements.)
NYSSA: He's writing a new exercise book, _Buns of Steel_.
>(It is hard to say what might be different about the last
>generation of the Cyber race.
DOUG: (old codger) This new generation's just a bunch of spoiled
brats! In _my_ day, we didn't give up on Universal Domination
just because most of us was dead. We kept right on going!
Through twelve feet of snow! Uphill! And we _liked_ it that way!
>The biggest differences are not in his physical form anyway, but
>in his accomodations to living among a humanoid race. He is
>sitting, but it doesn't look natural.
DIANE: He must have Cyber-roids.
> He reads, but with the expressionless Cyber face, he could be
>thinking about anything.)
NUMBER ONE (F): (Cyberman, thinking) I wonder if it's too
late to sue Paramount. Hmmph. 'Borg', indeed!
>C. Why have you come here?
>(His voice is essentially toneless. It is hard to judge what is
>behind the words. It could be menace or it could be a simple,
NUMBER ONE (F): (to OTHERS) Who else is having Al Gore
flashbacks right now?
ALL: [raise hands]
>N. My name is Nyssa. I have just come to talk to you.
>C. Many have come, as you say, to talk. But you do not say the
>deepest "why?", and I must know.
DOUG: (Mouseketeer) Why? Because we like you!
ALL: (singing) M--O--U--S--E!
>(She involuntarity takes a small step back. She is not sure what
>to do -- she did not expect this sort of conversation.)
NYSSA: (firmly) When in doubt, start yanking on the trigger.
NUMBER ONE (F): (to NYSSA) Now, remember. She's not you,
you're not her...
>C. Some want to talk about what I am or what I was.
ALL: (singing) What I am/Is what I am/Not what you are/Or
what you are...
> I am a Cyberman. I can answer no other way. I am the last
>Cyberman. When my systems degrade and fail, I will cease and
>there will be no more Cybermen. This causes me no disturbance.
DIANE: (George Thorogood) That don't confront me. Long as I
get my money next Friday.
>It does not make me sad or angry or lonely. I only know emotion
>by theory, from what I have studied.
DOUG: My God, it _is_ Al Gore!
>N. You sound as though you're irritated.
NYSSA: Some baby powder would probably help...
>C. Although I cannot feel emotion, I can identify many. I know
>you are at loss and I speak to fill conversation and give you
>N. I expected to find a being more human.
NYSSA: Like Robocop!
> It was irrational, but it was the image I had. I'm rethinking.
>C. That is a common response in those who stay this long.
>N. Many leave quickly?
>C. Many cannot get past the first question. They do not know
DIANE: (Cyberman) ...how much wood a woodchuck would
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
> why they have come. You have not answered it either.
>N. I'm here to gain an appreciation of time.
NUMBER ONE (F): (Cyberman) I cannot help you. All my Pink
Floyd albums were destroyed in the crash.
>C. That is a unique reason, but I think that it is not the deepest
>N. I don't understand what you mean by the deepest "why?"?
>C. I ask why you come.
DIANE: (Nyssa) [holds up two fingers] Usually, these two and
thoughts about Christian Slater do the trick.
[DOUG and NUMBER ONE (F) whap DIANE on the head, while
NYSSA throws popcorn at her.]
> You answer, to talk. I think to ask, Why talk? You say, to
>appreciate time. I think to ask, Why talk to me about time? or
>Why do you seek to gain such appreciation?
NYSSA: 'Why why why?' I'm stuck with a Cyber-four-year-old.
>N. I begin to understand. You want to know about my
>C. Correct. Human motivations are not easily ascertained.
> Cyber motivation is simple:
DOUG: (Cyberman) ...break things and kill people.
> we are built to serve one kind of purpose and to obey commands
>from those who command.
>N. Why are my motivations important to you?
>C. I no longer have one who commands.
DIANE: (Cyberman) Dominate me, Mistress Nyssa!
NYSSA: [looks at DIANE worriedly]
> I can command myself a small amount, but only with sufficient
>facts. If I understand your deepest "why?" for coming, I will
>know how to command myself. If you come for information, I
>will give you information. If you have come to destroy me, I will
DIANE: (Cyberman) If you are calling from a touch-tone phone,
press 2 now.
>(The impact of this statement should swirl around Nyssa's head a
ALL: [make cartoon bird-whistle noises]
>N. I have no wish to harm you. I'm more interested in
>C. I have much, but I cannot give it all to you.
DOUG: (Cyberman) You don't have enough disk space.
>N. I suppose that talking to you is like trying to get a book to
>tell you something of its own accord. It's difficult if you don't
>know the right references.
>C. I have observed that humans use associative means of
>reasoning. I know now everything I have ever known. At this
>moment, you only know a very limited part of all you know.
NYSSA: [rolls eyes] Oh great. He's a bloody Scientologist.
>The rest is not absent, but accessible if one of the present parts is
>like one of the hidden parts.
NUMBER ONE (F): Of course, most of Diane's thoughts revolve
around _one_ part...
DIANE: [smirks] (to OTHERS) As if you three have any right
[DOUG and NYSSA try and fail to look innocent.]
>N. All of your knowledge is at a consious level, while most of
>ours is subconsious. You have done a very successful study of
>the human mind.
DIANE: (Nyssa) Perhaps you can help me, then. I keep having
these weird dreams about sausages...
>C. Yes. It was necessary in order to know how to command
>N. What happened to you after you came to this planet?
NUMBER ONE (F): (Cyberman, as Californian) Oh, the usual
stuff. I bummed around the club scene for a little while, looking
for a big break, then got into a little stand-up out in Bakersfield...
>C. My fellow Cybermen were all killed. All were dead and I
>was near ceasing. I escaped and hid. For a long time I could
DOUG: (Cyberman) I had accidentally nailed down both feet.
> My systems reconstructed themselves and my mind processed
>the facts of my environment and circumstances. Even if I could
>have moved sooner, I was incapable of acting.
NUMBER ONE (F): If only Keanu Reaves would come to the
>My last orders were to survive by killing as many of the attacking
>alien beings as possible, and I had satisfied the orders.
DOUG: (impressed) He got the High Score on 'Space Invaders'.
>N. So you found yourself in a position where you had to learn
>how to command yourself.
NYSSA: One more repetition of the word 'command', and I am
going to be compelled to make derogatory remarks about the
>N. How did you come to associate with people as you have?
>Why didn't you keep trying to kill them?
NYSSA: What are you, some kind of wuss?
>C. I was discovered in my cave by a man. He did not try to kill
>me, so I did not try to kill him either. He asked me why I was
>hidden underground and if I was injured. I told him what I have
DIANE: (Cyberman) ...at which point, he drilled a hole in his
own skull to let the boredom out.
> that I could not move because I did not know how to command
NYSSA: Okay, I warned you, author. [clears throat] (French
accent) Your Mother was a hamster, and your Father smelled of
elderberries! I blow my nose in your general direction, you
animal-food-trough-wiper! Now, quit using ze word 'command',
or I will shoot arrows into ze top of your head and make castanets
out of your testicles!
DOUG: Uh, yeah. What she said.
>myself. He talked a long time to me about motivations, and he
NYSSA: [twitches violently]
> that I must try to comprehend motivation in humanoid beings.
>N. He commanded you?
NYSSA: [grasps her head and begins to moan]
>C. It was difficult. The Cyber race are ingrained with obedience,
>but as obedience to those who command.
NYSSA: Aaaarrrrgh! [slumps out of her seat and begins to thrash
about on the floor]
NUMBER ONE (F): (worriedly, to DOUG and DIANE) Erm,
DIANE: Nah. She's just over-acting.
> After much effort on the man's part, I was able to respond to his
[NYSSA begins to whimper pitifully as DOUG and NUMBER
ONE (F) look on. DIANE continues to casually munch popcorn.]
>N. He commanded you to understand motivation?
[NYSSA climbs back into her seat, looking unnaturally calm and
>C. He also commanded me to command myself when I
NYSSA: At such a commanding command, I instantly command-
ed myself to commend my commander at the commando command
post. Having commented on the commandant's commandments,
[While NYSSA is talking, DIANE gets up and takes DOUG's
drink from his hand. She walks down the row and dumps the cup
on NYSSA's head, then returns to her seat.]
NYSSA: [wiping away cola from face] Thanks. I needed that.
>N. What else did he do?
>C. He told me about the people on the planet.
DOUG: (Cyberman) What a bunch of rubes!
> He said that they no longer killed Cybermen because they were
>all dead except for me. He told me that I could live among them
>if I did not kill any of them.
NUMBER ONE (F): Hmm... Their immigration laws are about as
strict as the US's.
>N. I think perhaps he did more than that. He probably also told
>the people here that you would not kill them, either.
DIANE: Not much, anyway.
>C. You are correct. I started working with them. The man
>helped. We built things and repaired things.
NUMBER ONE (F): The Cyberman was Bob Vila before his
>The people here have come to accept me.
DOUG: (Cyberman) But, if they ever find out that I'm gay, I've
>N. But what about the rest of the people on this planet? This
>place is known far and wide as the home of the last Cyberman.
>C. Most people do not think much about me. I represent the
NUMBER ONE (F): Aww... just like Robert Byrd.
>(This is a good place for Jonan to burst in. He is wild-eyed and
>on the edge of hysteria.
NYSSA: He's been listening to Def Leppard.
> No one from the town would listen to him.)
DOUG: (Jonan, as William Shatner) There's... something on the
wing of this plane! Some... thing!
>C. You have returned.
NUMBER ONE (F): General Jonan MacArthur.
>(He notices Nyssa and becomes only slightly less wild-eyed.
DOUG: (Jonan, thinking) What a babe! Better chill a little on
the maniac routine.
> His arm is bandaged, but still giving him pain.)
>(The Cyberman turns to Nyssa to complete the answer to her
>C. But sometimes outsiders come to destroy me.
DIANE: (Cyberman) And sometimes they come to annoy me.
Like this clod.
>J. You're a murderer. Murder should be punished.
NYSSA: Isn't appearing in this fanfic punishment enough?
>N. He killed because he was commanded to. In the last 400
>years the only harm he may have caused has been to protect
>himself. Why don't you sit down, calm down and explain
NYSSA: (gangster) Or do I gotta muss ya up?
>(Is this too straightforward and logical?
NUMBER ONE (F): Nah. It's just stupid.
> After all, Jonan may only be in a state.
DOUG: Or, he may have sat on one of his nuts.
NUMBER ONE (F): [winces] I hate when that happens.
[The OTHERS look at NUMBER ONE (F) curiously.]
NUMBER ONE (F): In my _other_ body!
> He's unarmed. Since Nyssa is in the only other chair, she gives
>it up to Jonan.)
DOUG: (to NYSSA) You... 'gave it up' to this guy? [snickers]
DIANE: (to NYSSA) You go, girl! Get you some of that stuff!
NYSSA: (embarrassed) Shut up!
>N. Now, who are you and why have you come here?
>J. My name is Jonan.
DOUG: (Arnold Schwarzenegger) I'm a Cimmerian.
> I'm an historian who specializes in the history of the Cyber
>wars. I wanted to find out if the character of this Cyberman has
>changed. No one has been able to adequately explain how
NUMBER ONE (F): (Jonan) ...Howard Stern got so popular.
>a Cyberman could live in apparent peace for so many years.
>Most historians have assumed that something fundamental must
>have changed in him -- maybe due to injuries. I came here
>several hours ago and learned the truth:
NYSSA: (Jonan) The Ford Thunderbird and Mercury Cougar are
the _same car_!
> this Cyberman is no different than any of the others.
DIANE: Actually, he is different, inasmuch as he's not dead.
> He's still a killer.
NYSSA: (confused) And your point is...?
>C. That is correct. I could still kill if necessary.
>J. He even admits it willingly.
>N. What happened to your arm?
NUMBER ONE (F): (Jonan) It's an old sports injury from my
days playing Outside Grouch on my school's 43-man Squamish
>J. He did this. He attacked me.
>N. With or without provocation?
DOUG: (Jonan) I admit it, okay!?! I tried to have my way with
>C. This one is deeply emotional, but hides emotion beneath
NUMBER ONE (F): Kind of like Nina Totenberg, who hides total
idiocy behind superficial incoherence.
> As we talked earlier, he became increasingly distraught. He
>reached a point where he tried to assault me. I stopped him, but
>did not command
NYSSA: [twitches slightly]
DIANE: (to NYSSA) Watch it. I've got another cup of Pepsi,
and I'm not afraid to use it.
>myself to kill him because he had no true desire to kill me. His
>confusion of emotion drove him to do what he did not truly
>desire to do.
NUMBER ONE (F): He's awfully empathetic for somebody with
no emotions, ain't he?
DOUG: He must watch 'Donahue'.
>N. (To Jonan.) Is he making sense to you? Did you want to
>harm the Cyberman?
>J. I don't know.
DIANE: (Jonan) I dunno. Sometimes, you've just got to attack
someone, and see what develops.
> I didn't come her to hurt him. I wanted to ask questions and
>learn what he was really like.
DIANE: (Jonan) I was going to sell the interview to 'Seventeen'
for their 'Teen Hunks' issue.
> When I saw that he was as much a killer now as before, I
>started to lose control of myself.
NYSSA: (Jonan) I _had_ to have him. Right then.
>N. You are right. His character has not changed. It startled me
>at first and frightened me as well.
DOUG: (Nyssa) Which actually kind of turned me on.
> I have never met a Cyberman before,
NYSSA: (to OTHERS) One... two... three
>but I knew their reputation. I'd made the same wrong
>assumption as all your historians about what he has become.
>J. Then what has happened to him?
NYSSA: He read _Dianetics_.
>N. His environment has changed. I suggest you talk with him
>further. If you are patient and try to avoid let your personal
>values get in the way,
NUMBER ONE (F): Those damn pesky values and ethics! Them
things are always in the way!
> you will see what he is. Maybe you'll also see that there might
>have been a way to have stopped the wars.
DOUG: The war stopped the way wars generally stop. One side
got the shit kicked out of it.
>J. (To the Cyberman.) You won't be offended to talk to me
>C. I do not have the emotion of offense.
DIANE: (Cyberman) However, my Git Proximity Alarm is going
off like mad.
>I will talk and try to understand your motivations more
>J. (To Nyssa.) I see your point.
DOUG: (Jonan) It must be cold in here, because I can see 'em
both sticking out.
> He thinks differently. (To the Cyberman.) I will come back,
>then. Perhaps you can help me to understand human motivations.
DIANE: (Cyberman) Is that a euphemism for 'rumpy-pumpy'?
>C. If that is helpful, I can do it.
>J. Well, I should go tell my wife that I'm all right. I will be back
>C. I will be here.
ALL: [begin to snore softly]
>J. Thank you...
>N. My name is Nyssa.
>J. Thank you, Nyssa. It's a good thing you were here.
ALL: [snore more loudly]
>N. Do things like that happen very often?
>C. Not much any more. Most seem to consider me harmless
FRANCOIS (Voice-Over): LOONY PEOPLE WAKE UP!!
[DIANE jerks awake, flailing about and hitting DOUG. DOUG
jumps up just as DIANE hits him, and is knocked onto NUMBER
NUMBER ONE (F): Ah! Get off of me, pervert!
[NUMBER ONE (F) flips DOUG over the seats, sending him to
NYSSA: (to OTHERS) What the Hell just happened?!?
FRANCOIS (Voice-Over): Loony people wake up and read crap
story _now_! Else Francois change schedule to include Mallet
[DOUG returns painfully to his seat, and ALL resume their normal
DIANE: Mallet Therapy? What's that?
NYSSA: I don't know, and I don't want to find out.
[DOUG and NUMBER ONE (F) eye each other distrustfully.]
>N. That's not exactly true.
NUMBER ONE (F): What'd we miss? Did Bill Clinton show up?
>C. You are correct.
>N. But it's not too far wrong. I should tell you that I am not of
>this world or of this time. I am a Time Lord.
DIANE: (Nyssa) I'm not _just_ a Time Lord. I'm also smug
> I was afraid to tell you before, because
DOUG: (Nyssa) ...I didn't know how you felt about mixed dating.
>Time Lords have helped fight the Cybermen. Now, I am not
NYSSA: I'm not afarid, but I'm pretty damned afraid.
DIANE: (to NYSSA) Picking on typos is a cheap shot.
NYSSA: (to DIANE) And you should know about cheap shots.
DOUG: (to BOTH) Hey, chill out you two! The fanfic is the real
>C. I cannot hold animosity toward those who have been the
>enemies of my my people.
>N. I didn't think you could.
NYSSA: Nyah hah! (sing-song) Can't hold animos-it-y! Can't
>C. At the same time, time travel creates possibilities.
NUMBER ONE (F): (sarcastically) Duh! Ya think?
>N. Do you want to rejoin your people?
>C. No, I am not commanded to do that.
DIANE: (to NYSSA) Don't make me come down there!
> I am commanded
NYSSA: Gak! Urk! [clutches at her head in apparent pain]
DIANE: (to NYSSA) [holds up her cup] I'm warning you...
>to understand the motivations of humanoids.
NUMBER ONE (F): Well, according to Freud, our motivations
all come down to either sex, our parents, or the desire to have sex
with our parents. Which leads me to conclude that Freud was not
an Austrian at all, but was actually a West Virginian.
>N. Then what possibilities are you thinking of?
>C. I could go and try to understand the people who fought in the
>Cyber wars to destroy the Cyber race.
>N. I cannot do that.
DIANE: Ooh. Baby got backbone.
> I would not be allowed to disturb time so much.
DOUG: (Nyssa) Time's a real grouch if his sleep gets interrupted.
> Besides, people would destroy you. Even if they believed
>everything else you said,
NYSSA: ...which would mean they were pretty gullible...
>they would think your purpose in trying to understand them was
>linked to helping the Cybermen to win the wars.
>C. That would not be my purpose.
>N. Tell me your motivation for doing it.
NUMBER ONE (F): You know, I'm beginning to get the same
reaction to the word 'motivation' that Nyssa has about the word
DIANE: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) Don't say it.
>C. I am commanded to
NYSSA: Unnngg! [begins shaking head violently]
DIANE: Oh crukking wonderful. He _had_ to say it.
>understand human emotion and motivation.
NUMBER ONE (F): Aaghh! Urk! [begins spasming]
DIANE: Two of them, now. Great. (to DOUG) Doug, if _you_
start going spastic, I'm going to head-butt you. Okay?
DOUG: (nervously) Uh... okay.
>N. What would you do when you understood? How would you
DIANE: (Cyberman) I dunno. Better than Leonardo diCaprio,
>C. I would not act. I could not act;
DOUG: If only more actors would come to this conclusion, we
might have been spared 'Showgirls'.
> I can only command myself
NYSSA: Urgggh! No! [pounds her head on the back of her seat]
>in a small way.
>N. You have seen the way human motivation works --
NUMBER ONE (F): [twitching all over] (grimly) Must... keep...
>we hardly ever know when we have reached the deepest, truest
>level of motivation.
NUMBER ONE (F): Aaaaaaahh! [begins slamming herself
against the back of her seat] Got to... fight... it... off...
> We find it very hard to trust each other at times because of it.
>It makes it very difficult to accept a being like you whose
NUMBER ONE (F): Rrrrrraaarghh!!
DIANE: [rolls eyes] Oh, please. [throws her drink on NUMBER
[NUMBER ONE (F) calms down after a moment.]
NUMBER ONE (F): (shakily) Thanks. I'm... okay... now...
>are simple, visible and pure.
>C. You are teaching me useful knowledge about motivation.
NUMBER ONE (F): Aaagh! No! Not again! [begins twitching
NYSSA: [shakes her fist at the screen] Woon, you sadist!
>N. It's only based on what you were saying when I first arrived.
>C. But it is new to me. I cannot make anything new.
DOUG: Heh. You and NBC both.
>N. I understand.
>(It has become time for Nyssa to move on. There is really no
>way for the Cyberman to break off a conversation.)
DIANE: Kind of like a fifteen year-old girl on the phone.
>N. It is time that I leave. I may come back again some day.
NYSSA: (Cyberman) That's what my dates always say, but none
of you ever do.
>C. I will continue to be here as long as my systems last.
NYSSA: (to DIANE, darkly) You'd _really_ better not say any-
thing this time.
> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NUMBER ONE (F): (woozy) A rattlesnake that fell in the wheat
DOUG: (thoughtfully) Hmm... not a bad riff, considering his/her
>SCENE 10: Gallifrey (moments after she left)
>(Nyssa's TARDIS materialises, and she emerges from within.)
>D. How was your trip?
NYSSA: And nose-closing.
>D. Not what you expected?
DIANE: (Nyssa) I'll put it this way: If they ever make Full-
Contact Tedium an Olympic sport, Armitage will take the gold.
>D. So what was the question you wanted to ask me?
NYSSA: Just this: If he shot the Sherriff, but he didn't shoot the
Deputy, then who _did_ shoot the Deputy?
>N. I'll ask it soon. In the meantime, I have another question.
NUMBER ONE (F): (Nyssa) If a tree falls in the forest and lands
on a member of the Green Party and no one else is around, is it
DOUG: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) Back to normal, I see.
DIANE: (to DOUG) You're talking about a cursed, gender-
switching terrorist who worships a psychopathic murderess...
NYSSA: (indignantly) Hey!
DIANE: ...from a television show and is trapped on a satellite
where he/she is forced to read bad fan fiction. Watch how you
toss around words like 'normal'.
> How long ago did you visit the planet Armitage?
>(The Doctor only smiles.)
DOUG: (Doctor, thinking) Heh heh. I managed to avoid appear-
ing in most of this one. Heh heh heh...
> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
> End of Episode Two
NUMBER ONE (F): Aha! Now we know the reason for the
terrible Hyphen Shortage of 1991!
DOUG: C'mon. Let's blow this joint.
[All four get up and leave the theater]
[Door sequence: 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...]
[SOL bridge interior]
[NYSSA is sitting in a chair by the console. NUMBER ONE (F)
walks on from the right, and NYSSA smiles and motions for her
to come over and sit.]
NUMBER ONE (F): May I, my Lady?
NYSSA: [looks oddly at NUMBER ONE (F)] Please. I need to
talk to you about something.
[NUMBER ONE (F) sits next to NYSSA, who leans over to her.]
NYSSA: (softly) I've noticed the way you've been dressed today...
NUMBER ONE (F): (softly) And...
NYSSA: (softly) It gave me a great idea for a trick to play on
[NUMBER ONE (F) looks crestfallen for a moment, but quickly
recovers as NYSSA begins whispering in her ear. Soon, BOTH
are grinning devilishly.]
[DOUG walks on from the right. NYSSA and NUMBER ONE (F)
jump up excitedly and run to him.]
NYSSA: (sweetly, to DOUG) Oh, there you are, you big,
[The two girls latch onto his arms and gaze up at him adoringly.]
DOUG: (panicked) Hey! Get off of me! Let go! [tries and fails
to shake the girls loose]
NUMBER ONE (F): (sweetly, to DOUG) Oh, Douggie! I
thought I was the only one! [flutters her eyelashes]
NYSSA: (to DOUG) You charmer! I don't mind sharing you
with her, though. I _know_ you're man enough...
DOUG: Aahh! Get away, you perverts! I'm married!
NYSSA: That's okay. (husky voice) It means you're already
[DOUG breaks loose from the girls and runs across the bridge, but
trips over a chair and goes sprawling.]
DIANE (off-screen): What the Hell's going on in there?
[NUMBER ONE (F) and NYSSA run off laughing as DOUG
climbs woozily to his knees.]
DOUG: (slurry) Mussht be a horrrr-mone thinggg.
[DIANE enters from the left, looking angry. She sees DOUG,
and rushes over to him, clearly worried.]
DIANE: Doug! Are you okay? What did those two do to you?
Where are you hurt? [looks at the top of his head] Let me see.
DOUG: Really, I'm okay-- [starts to stand up]
DIANE: Let me check your head.
DOUG: No, that--
[DIANE grabs his head and pulls it over where she can examine it.
However, this also causes DOUG's face to end up almost in her
DIANE: Hmm... no permanent damage. You should be okay.
[DIANE lets go of DOUG and exits to the right. DOUG shakes
his head, then stares directly at the screen.]
DOUG: Siobhan, I swear to _God_ this isn't what it looks like!
[A light on the console begins to flash. DOUG reaches over and
[Interior back room at This Time Round]
[HARRY is behind the control console, smiling. In the background,
the sounds of extreme violence can be heard.]
HARRY: Hello, Douglas! How was the fanfic?
DOUG: I've seen worse. Just... not very often. How are the copy-
right talks going?
HARRY: Things are looking better, I think...
[With a crash, the door in the background is smashed apart and
BOBO comes flying through it to land in a heap behind HARRY.
BOBO gets up almost immediately. His tunic is in tatters and his
glasses are broken, but he seems perfectly cheerful.]
BOBO: (to HARRY) Excuse me. Could you direct me to the little
apes' room? I need to 'drain the primate'. Hoohoohoo!
HARRY: (to BOBO) Just down there. [points off to the right]
BOBO: Thanks muchly! Great party, by the way! Hoohoohoo!
[BOBO exits to the right.]
HARRY: Francois went back there to help out, and it turns out
that he's a pretty sharp debater!
[In the background, ADRIC is seen through the open door. He
has OBSERVER's brain and is running and dodging as
OBSERVER charges after him.]
DOUG: Uh... cool. I think I'm gonna go lie down for a while.
HARRY: Yes, you look like you've had a rough time of it. At
least you've all those girls and sort-of girls to take care of you,
DOUG: Heh. Right. Lucky me.
HARRY: (to self) Let's see, now. Which button is it, again?
[looks over console]
[BOBO walks on from the right.]
BOBO: Hoo! I know! I know! Let me press it!
HARRY: (dubiously) I don't know...
BOBO: Oh, come on! It's this one right he-- YEEEEOOOW!!
[BOBO puts his finger on a button and electricity arcs all across
his body. He collapses, smoldering slightly.]
HARRY: No, actually I think it's _this_ one.
[HARRY reaches out and presses the button. Just before the scene
goes black, FRANCOIS and PEARL can be seen in the doorway,
choking one another.]
>(The view screen will show a series of sights. It might be cute if
> there is a running commentary relating the universe to the
>wonderful attributes of the TARDIS. But maybe not...