"What was that?" River asked.

"What?" The Doctor shook his head. "I didn't hear anything. Not like you to get jumpy. A couple of the county police were summoned to be present..."

[The cellar. The policeman whom we saw earlier arrives, accompanied by PC Andy of Torchwood.]

First Doctor / Holmes :
Now, if you two gentlemen will care to lift the slab...

[The policemen pull gently on the scarf. Then harder. Then with all their strength. The slab finally lifts, and they drag it to one side. Then everyone gathers around the hole and looks down.]

Sixth Doctor (vo) :
A small chamber about seven feet deep and four feet square lay open to us. At one side of this was a squat, brass-bound wooden box, furred with a thick layer of dust. A crop of livid fungi was growing on the inside of it. Several discs of metal, old coins apparently, such as I hold here, were scattered over the bottom of the box...

Peri / Watson (vo) :
Do we have to have the full descriptive passage?

Sixth Doctor (vo) :
Fine. Fine. The box was open, and the only things in it were a few old coins. Oh, and in case I forgot to mention it earlier, there was a dead butler in the hole as well.

[The two policemen lift the Master's body out of the chamber.]

"Sherlock Holmes doesn't seem very upset," little Martha said. "When you saw the Master shot dead you cried worse than Victoria."

"Did he?" River asked, amusedly. "Really?"

The Doctor gritted his teeth, and continued reading.

Sixth Doctor / Holmes (vo) :
I now had to reconstruct the case. I put myself in Brunton's place and tried to imagine what I would have done. In this case it was quite simple—

Peri / Watson (vo) :
Because you're Time Lords, so in many ways you have the same mind?

Sixth Doctor / Holmes (vo) :
No, because his intelligence was quite first-rate, and so, of course, is mine. He found the stone, but couldn't lift it on his own. He had to ask for help from someone...

[Martha's room. Martha is sitting up in bed, clutching the bedclothes protectively around herself. Brunton stands over her.]

Sixth Doctor / Holmes (vo) :
He would try by a few attentions to make peace with the girl Howells, and would then engage her as his accomplice.

Master / Brunton :
Do what I say, and all will be well. If not, we'll see how quickly a laser screwdriver can cut a hole in your sternum.

Martha / Rachel :
I thought I'd done all my bits. Oh well.

[The cellar. Together, they manage to raise the stone a little.]

Martha / Rachel :
It's too heavy. I can't get it any further.

Master / Brunton :
Stick some of these bits of wood in it.

Martha / Rachel [sotto voce] :
Yes sir, no sir, please can I put my back out helping you with your crazy plots, sir. Why isn't Ray doing this? She's Welsh and she's even got the right name...

[By degrees, they raise the stone until the opening is large enough to crawl through. Then they wedge it with a piece of wood placed lengthways.]

Master / Brunton :
I'm going in. Hold the lamp.

[Martha takes the lamp. The Master disappears into the hole. Various muffled chinking noises are heard; then he passes up the linen bag we saw earlier.]

Master / Brunton :
Right. Take this.

Martha / Rachel [taking it] :
What is it?

Master / Brunton :
Only the means to total domination of this pathetic country. Once again, Martha Jones, you have been the unwitting servant of my plans—

[The timber support slips out of position, and the flagstone crashes down on the Master.]

Martha / Rachel :
Whoops. Butterfingers.

[She dances a little jig on the flagstone, ignoring the muffled noises coming from below it.]

Martha / Rachel :
And it couldn't happen to a nicer homicidal maniac. [She puts her hand to her ear.] What's that, Dipsy? You're stuck in a well? Oh, what a pity. [She mimes listening again.] Go and get help? No, I'm not going to get help. I'm going to leave you there until you learn to be nice to people. Or die horribly, whichever's easier. Bye.

[She leaves.]

There was a short delay, while the Doctor gaped like an imbecile and the other toddlers, with the exception of the little Masters, clapped and cheered. Eventually River nudged the Doctor, and he pulled himself together and took up the tale once more.

[Hurlstone Manor; the Great Hall. The linen bag is on the table.]

First Doctor / Holmes :
... And at her first opportunity, she threw the bag into the lake to remove the last trace of her crime.

Monk / Musgrave :
And what was in the bag, that they took so much trouble to find?

[Holmes tips its contents onto the table: several pieces of curved metal and some dull-looking stones.]

First Doctor / Holmes :
Well, this looks to me very much like... I wonder, were any of your ancestors connected with the house of Stuart?

Monk / Musgrave :
My ancestor, Sir Ralph Musgrave, was the right-hand man of Charles the Second in his wanderings.

First Doctor / Holmes :
Well, there you are, then. It's the crown of England. Look.

[He polishes one of the stones with his sleeve; it sparkles.]

Monk / Musgrave :
So you think, in the time of the Commonwealth, Sir Ralph hid the crown there?

First Doctor / Holmes :
Quite so, quite so.

Monk / Musgrave :
Then why didn't anyone retrieve it at the Restoration? It's all very well leaving a cryptic ritual to say where to find it, but for all the good it did he might as well have given it to Cromwell and done with it.

First Doctor / Holmes :
Well, as I said, your family weren't the sharpest knives in the box, were they?

[And, finally, we're back at Baker Street, with the present-day Holmes and Watson.]

Sixth Doctor / Holmes :
And that, Watson, is the story of the Musgrave Ritual.

Peri / Watson :
That's it, is it?

Sixth Doctor / Holmes :
A remarkable account, don't you think?

Peri / Watson :
Yeah, if any of it was true.

Sixth Doctor / Holmes :
And what's that supposed to mean?

Peri / Watson :
Look, you expect me to believe that they were taking firewood in and out of that cellar for hundreds of years, and in all that time no-one ever tried lifting that flagstone to see what was under it?

Sixth Doctor / Holmes :
Dear me, such cynicism in one so young.

Peri / Watson :
One more thing.

Sixth Doctor / Holmes :
Yes?

Peri / Watson :
What happened to the crown in the end? If there ever was one, of course.

Sixth Doctor / Holmes :
They still have it down at Hurlstone, though they had some legal bother and a considerable sum to pay before they were allowed to retain it. No-one ever found out what happened to Rachel Howells, and the probability is she got clean away with her crime.

Peri / Watson :
Just fancy. Now get back to tidying the room. Plenty of time before bed.

There was a longish pause.

"Is that the end?" little Rose asked.

"Well..." The Doctor looked doubtful. "It should be. That's how I remember the story ending, anyway."

"But?" River asked.

"But there's some more pages here. Very odd."

He licked his finger, and turned to the next page.

[Hurlstone Manor, the Great Hall. The contents of the bag still lie on the table. A plain-clothes police inspector is looking them over. Astrid hovers nervously.]

Astrid :
Will there be anything else, sir?

Inspector :
Why, yes, my dear. Could you hold this, while I attempt to reconstruct it?

Astrid :
Yes, sir.

[She moves to stand beside him. Together, they quickly reassemble the bits and pieces into a simple ring of gold, studded with gems.]

Inspector :
Ah, truly remarkable.

[He places the crown on his head, and straightens up, revealing that he's Mr. Finch.]

Mr. Finch / Inspector :
The Coronet of Rassilon, all mine. Kneel before me, girl.

[Astrid, with a gasp, drops to her knees.]

Mr. Finch / Inspector :
Today, the Krillitane empire is born anew.

[Gwyneth happens to enter the room.]

Mr. Finch / Inspector :
Come here. You cannot resist.

[Gwyneth does so.]

Mr. Finch / Inspector :
Summon the household. They will all submit to my will.

[Outside the Great Hall. Rose, Zoë and Ace, who seem to have been eavesdropping, are in worried consultation.]

Rose :
We can't let him see us. He'd take our minds over just like that.

Zoë :
I suppose one of us could climb out of the window and try to get help, but that could take ages. We need to do something now.

Ace :
Frenchie, keep an eye on Batman and make sure he doesn't get up to anything. Concordance, you're with me.

Zoë :
I think we missed a briefing somewhere. Who are all these people?

Ace :
[Pointing at Rose] Frenchie. [Pointing at Zoë] Concordance. [Gesturing at the doorway to the Great Hall] Batman's the bloke in there. 'Cos he's really a bat, comprende?

Zoë :
I think I prefer Ogron naming conventions.

Ace :
Oh, get a move on.

[The two depart.]

Rose [to herself] :
Frenchie? French... French fries. Just what I need, more jokes about chips.

[Ace and Zoë return, their arms full of aerosol cans.]

Ace :
Right. Put these ones by the door. When I say the word, pull the pins out. Then we each take two, chuck them into the hall, and run like there's no tomorrow.

Rose :
But Astrid and Gwyneth are in there!

Ace :
Can't be helped. They've got cards, haven't they?

[Rose and Zoë kneel down and start setting the bombs.]

"This is fun," the little War Chief said. "All stories should end with a big explosion."

"No they shouldn't," baby Susan said. "This is silly. One of the girls should have put the crown on and found out she's really a princess."

"Only if she's got a pony as well," said Dodo.

Ace :
Oi! Are you lot out there watching us or not? Keep up, or you'll miss the excitement. Three. Two. One. Now!

[Ace, Rose and Zoë all throw their bombs into the Great Hall, and make a run for it.

The outside of Hurlstone. Ace, Rose and Zoë throw themselves out of a window, pick themselves up, and run for it. Other servants follow them. They make it about halfway across the lawn before the explosion knocks them to the ground.

The Coronet of Rassilon, slightly scorched, drops out of the sky and lands on the grass in front of them.]

Polly [wearily] :
Ace?

Ace :
You talking to me, Delia?

Polly :
I think you've just destroyed the oldest inhabited building in Sussex.

Ace :
You can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs.

Polly :
I suppose not.

Ace :
Then again, you can't make an omelette, full stop.

Polly :
I didn't ask to be the cook!

Ace :
It's not as if I asked to be a maid.

Rose :
Nor me. Let's go on strike.

Ace :
Yeah.

[Still lying down, they all glare truculently at the audience.]

"Well now," the Doctor said. "That really is the end, and—"

The noise from the cupboard this time wasn't the crash of something falling. It was the unmistakeable sound of something tearing through hardboard as if it were ricepaper.

"What the..." River spun round. Parallel gouges were visible across the surface of the door.

"The monster!" Jo shouted again, clinging onto the Doctor's legs for dear life. Other toddlers joined her, while the braver spirits began to ransack the toybox for anything that could be used as a weapon.

The Doctor reached into his pocket. A frown crossed his face, and he began to search all his other pockets in turn.

With the same ripping sound as before, another set of lines was carved into the door.

"Sweetheart," River whispered to the Doctor, "Whatever it is, it's trying to cut the lock out."

"Yes, I know," the Doctor replied through gritted teeth. "Can I borrow your screwdriver?"

River delved in her own pockets.

"It's gone," she said. "And the perception filter, too."

"The kids must have taken them." The Doctor ran a hand through his hair. "They've got mine too. Little pickpockets. This is not good..."

Once more, parallel lines slashed into the door. Then it shuddered under a heavy impact.

"Run!" the Doctor shouted. But such was the weight of terrified children clinging to their legs that he and River couldn't manage more than a lethargic shuffle.

With a final crash, the door flew open. A ghastly, clawed, shaggy figure lurched out into the room, to a chorus of screams.

"Daleks!" it called, in Izzy's voice.

The tension lessened slightly.

"Izzy?" River asked. "Is that you?"

The monster contrived to disentangle itself from the sheepskin it was wrapped in, revealing that it was, indeed, Izzy. Albeit Izzy in a mood that verged on the incandescent, with her left foot stuck in a kettle, and wearing a pair of gloves that sported adamantium claws.

"Yes, it is me," she said. "Children, keep well away from those two people. They're troublemakers."

"Ooh, miss, are you going to punish them?" the baby War Chief asked. There was a tone of awful glee to his question.

Izzy managed to free her foot from the kettle. "I should just think I am."

"You'll have to catch us first," the Doctor said. He turned to run, and found himself staring into the eyestalk of a Dalek.

"Surely you've got a plan, my love?" River pleaded, as Izzy and the Daleks closed in. "I've seen you defeat worlds with nothing more than a bluff. There must be some way we can get out of this? Isn't there? Sweetie? Darling? Snugglebunny?"

The Doctor looked from River to the Daleks. "'Snugglebunny?'" he repeated hollowly. "Exterminate me now."

Acknowledgements

• "Doctor Who" characters belong to the BBC.
• "The Adventure of the Musgrave Ritual" was written by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and is in the public domain.
• As ever, "The New Annotated Sherlock Holmes", edited by Leslie S. Klinger, was an invaluable source of nitpicks.
• "Mrs Beeton's Book of Household Management" was originally compiled by Isabella Beeton, though the edition I used dates from decades later.
• This Time Round created by Tyler Dion.
• Look Who's Talking created by Imran Inayat.
• Storytime created by B. K. Willis.