'Ask The Author' Was Never Like This...
Hi, and welcome to the first ever Look Who's Talking 'Ask The Author' interview.
After the massive mailbag we got the last time, we felt it was only fair to answer a few of your most frequently asked questions.
[_What_ massive mailbag? That piece of spam you got nine months later?]
Many people have asked, in the past, precisely *why* the Supervisor of Look Who's Talking, the infamous -
[Thanks to _you_ and that idiot redneck!]
We can do without comments from the peanut gallery, Anji...
[Well, pardon me for toddling...]
...the infamous day care centre outside continuity needs assistant helpers.
Well, *actually*, what they ask is 'A _what?!?!_ With _what?!!?!?!_'
[It's a day care centre. What's the problem?]
The fact it's a day care centre filled with toddlers who can take out a whole horde of Spamites and who run a pirate TV station in their offtime might have something to do with it...
[Hey! That TV station's perfectly legal! And it's not like those Spamites were _going_ anywhere...]
Like I said.
Anyway, the point still needs to be raised - why assistant helpers?
['Cause they're _nice_....]
Thank you, Baby Mara...
No, the point _has_ to be raised - why assistant helpers?
[We wanted someone to tell us stories!]
The Supervisor has one basic philosophy of life.
Thank you, Baby Benny. No, the Supervisor's basic philosophy of life is 'Que sera, sera'.
[...the future's not ours to see, que sera, sera...]
If someone could shut Baby Ryoko up? _Please?!_
Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be.
A philosophy that basically allowed the Supervisor to keep a laidback, and amused, eye, on what the babies did.
[Yeah! _And_ he did the Country & Western slot... he plays a mean guitar...]
...even to the point of participating in Baby Sixth's radio station.
_Anyway_. The thing was, the babies were starting to get a little...
[It was only a _small_ alien battlefleet! No-one would miss it!]
...A little out of control...
[I think he's talking about you, Eight...]
[/blinks/ I didn't do anything, Fitz.]
[Yeah. Like breaking into This Time Round with a jet-propelled pushchair is 'nothing'...]
[I was bored!]
A little... troublesome.
[Hey! We gave the world back!]
The Management was starting to get a little... antsy.
Now, the Supervisor is perfectly capable of dealing with the toddlers.
[Yeah, wike they'll fawl for *that!*]
Shhh, Coyote. Anyway. He's perfectly capable of dealing with them...
...when their attention's turned on anyone but _him_.
For it is a sad, but true, fact, that...
...the babies have him wrapped around their little finger.
Umm... the _adult's_ supposed to be in charge?
[Boy, have _you_ got a lot to learn...]
Anyway. The Management was getting antsy.
So the Supervisor put up a 'Help Wanted' sign.
In effect, get someone to share the workload.
[Or avoid actually having to deal with the babies _himself_...]
[Got it in one.]
/winces/ So... someone answered.
To be more specific, one Izzy S, companion to the Eighth Doctor.
And, strangely enough, the babies quieted down around Izzy.
['Cause of all the cool stories!]
Well... partly that.
And partly because Izzy takes precisely _no_ guff from the kids.
[/sulks/ The Daleks _will_ be supreme!]
Aaah... you're just saying that because she still won't let you have any cookies.
There was also _another_ big factor...
[She's a *babe*!]
You say that _now_...
...have you _seen_ baby fish girl Izzy?
[She's *still* a babe!]
/boggles slightly/ Ye gods. Someone get this kid a bucket of water...
No, the _other_ big factor is...
Y'see, Izzy is a fangirl extraordinaire. _The_ fangirl extraordinaire.
So, pretty soon, the babies' storytime was enlivened by the X-Files, Buffy, Angel, Millennium, Evangelion, Ranma...
...you get the idea.
And as for Izzy's _personal_ experiences...
[Ooh. _Loved_ that one with the spider Daleks!]
[An' that one wit' the Wild West on th' moon was _cool_!]
....If we could cut _down_ on the fan commentary?
...but, nevertheless, you get the idea...
_However_... Izzy went on holiday.
_Holiday_, I said. Not 'moved to the opposite side of the cosmos'!
[WAAAAHHHH!!!! I DON' CARE!! WAN' STORY!!!]
Izzy went on holiday...
...which meant the Supervisor had to start looking for another assistant helper.
As soon as possible.
And, fortunately for the Supervisor, Detective First Class Kiyone, of the Galaxy Police, just happened to be looking for _another_ part-time job after her partner's recent exploits...
[Whomever let Mihoshi - _Mihoshi_, of all people - anywhere _near_ an aeroplane should be arrested for crimes against humanity!]
Thank you for that biting social commentary, Kiyone...
And, again, fortunately for the Supervisor, Kiyone managed to get someone _else_ in to help... Demon First Class Mara.
[_Help?!_ She makes _Mihoshi_ look _useful_!!]
[Demon. Not Goddess. _Demon_. Would you like me to spell it out for you? It'd probably be about what you could understand... I'm a _demon_. Demons do not _help_ people.
Well, not unless I'm gonna get something outta it...]
Would you _mind?!_ I'm trying to _explain_ something here!
[Yeah? Like how you ever became a writer in the first place? Or why all your stuff sucks?]
_This_ from a demon who got beaten... by a battery powered robot.
[Hey! A battery powered robot built by a _goddess_, thanks so much!]
Keep telling yourself that...
Back to the explanation.
Unfortunately, Kiyone and Mara - _Big_ Mara - are not, shall we say, best suited to looking after a horde of toddlers....
Demon Central, for some unaccountable reason, does _not_ teach 'Child Minding 101' as a registered course...
[Hah. See if I ever go _there!_]
...Not that you're ever likely to...
...and while the Galaxy Police _do_ teach it, and Kiyone _did_ attend...
Kiyone's basic _approach_ to other people - pragmatic and sensible - means precisely *zilch* when you're dealing with a horde of toddlers
[*Someone's* Mr Cynical today, aren't they? Coochy coochy coo...]
/giggles/ Aah! Get... Gerroff!
Which means, in short, that _neither_ Kiyone or Mara are exactly the...
Wait a minute.
Hold on just a minute...
[Yeah? What is it, geekoid?]
Baby demons. Baby gods.
There _are_ baby demons...
Mara... you've been holding out on the author.
The author is not happy.
[Boo hoo. Cry me a river.]
The author also feels the need to remind Mara that, for the purposes of *her* reality, *he* is the Voice of God.
Or Kami-sama, or...
So, unless you want to spend the rest of eternity cleaning up after toddlers - and believe me, if there are worse things, I have yet to think of them - _you're_ going to do Story Time until Izzy gets back.
As I recall, the wish that landed you in this mess in the first place-
[Which _you_ came up with!]
-The wish that landed you here in the first place states 'Just help me _out_ around here, will you?'
And I believe breaking a contract means the contract can be enforced.
By _force_, if necessary.
[The wish was to help _Kiyone_ out, not Pathetic Boy there...]
Uh-huh. But after what happened the _last_ time the Supervisor told a story, he's going to ask _Kiyone_ next time.
Consider. Just _how_ interesting do you think one of Kiyone's reports is?
_Especially_ to a group of toddlers?
I believe the consequences of *that* would _definitely_ come under the criteria for 'helping out'... right?
[All right, all right, you smug git...]
Oh, and don't forget - the kids want violence. Lots of violence. Preferably with lots of deserving people getting theirs.
And baby Daleks. Lots of baby Daleks.
And smut. Don't forget the smut.
Preferably with lots of black leather, death metal blaring from all the speakers, amps cranked up to 11...
..._and_ the spikes. Can't have a good story without the spikes...
[And just _what_ makes you think I know anything about _that_?!]
[I've seen your wardrobe...]
[Just because I happen to have a _preference_ for black leather-]
[*And* the nipple rings...]
[And the nipple - Hey!]
/smirks/ See you later, then?
[All _right!_ You win! There. Happy now?]
Fairy stories? Who said anything about fairy stories?
These are _Demon_ stories...
[/blinks/ And the Other Side _still_ claims children are innocent?]
Blame the PR department...
Good. _Finally_ got that sorted out...
[Hey! What about that Baby Badwands stowy?!]
/sighs/ Coyote... saying 'Once upon a time, there was a supreme baby badass called Coyote, and he kicked everybody else's candy asses to Kingdom Come' is _not_ a Baby Badlands story.
[Is to _me_...]
[I am _not_ your_sweetcheeks!_ /crackling sounds/]
[...I wuv it when they get dangewous...]
Thank you, Baby Ember.
/eyes Baby Ember warily/ Just keep the pyrokinesis pointed somewhere _else_...?
[The wha? /crackling sounds/]
The witch gift? - YAAAAHHH!!!
...I have to go somewhere and whimper now...
[Like _that's_ anything new...]
Mara? Worse things than looking after toddlers for eternity? I just thought of one... /whispers in ear/.
[/pales/ You _bastard_...]
[Hey! Nice lady's gonna tell us lotsa stories!]
[Will you _stop_ calling me 'nice lady', you little _brats?!_ I'm a Demon First Class!!]
[Okay, nice lady.]
[Kill me *now!*...]
...And that wraps up our 'Ask the Author' session for today.
...Anyone got any salve? Please?
Copyright 2001 Imran Inayat