This Time Round / Then Do That Over:
Position Vacant
by V. Jewitt

Everyone thinks it's time someone took over as Head Teacher at H G
Wells, but Maxil is not impressed with the candidates...

(Erm, yes, this is basically an extended bad joke. Feel free to join

The Board of Governors (sometimes known as the High Council of
Gallifrey) were, for once, unanimous and not only that but, most
improbably, in agreement with Commander Maxil.

“You’re right, Maxil,” said the Castellan, afterwards. “We need a
proper head teacher. I’m not sure what education the pupils will be
getting with you in charge.”

He glowered, but said nothing.

“So, yes, post the advertisements and get this sorted for once and for
all,” he instructed carelessly, waving him out of the office. “Oh,
and get me another cup of coffee while you’re at it…”


‘Interrogation One.’

Miss Wright coughed politely as she saw what the Assistant Head had
written on his notes. “Isn’t that meant to be ‘interview’?”

“Yes, I was forgetting,” he said, crossing the word out. “It’s so
much easier when you can point a gun at them and threaten torture if

The first candidate entered.


“So,” summed up Maxil, heedless of his fellow interviewers Miss Wright
and Mr Borusa, “first of all, I’d like to be clear as to which name
you want to be known by, Mr Vader – or is it Mr Skywalker?”

“Mr Vader, have you -?” Barbara tried, but to no avail.

“Now, I’m going to be straight with you here,” continued Maxil
remorselessly, “on the positive side, I like the voice and the look –
should give our little horrors something to think about – but on the
other hand, I see that you can’t guarantee that you won’t have a
sudden crisis of conscience at inconvenient moments. And, with your
family issues, how do you feel about parents’ evening? Plus, have you
explored the potential effects of sonic devices on your life-support

“Ah,” he said after a short test with a confiscated sonic
screwdriver. “It seems not…”

Borusa tutted, surveying the remains of the dark lord of the Sith.
“Really, Maxil, that was a little careless of you.”


“While I don’t dispute that you have very successfully run a similar
establishment, Mr Dumbledore, I do have some questions about your
tendency to disappear at moments of crisis. Not really an ideal
quality in a headmaster, is it?”

Dumbledore smiled and opened his mouth, but didn’t get a chance to

“Plus, your colleagues comment on some outrageous examples of
favouritism towards pupils and one particular house team. And is it
true that you cancelled your equivalent of GCSEs on a whim one year?”

Maxil shook his head as the famous wizard left, not noticeably
disappointed. “Really. I don’t know why he bothered.”


“Yes,” Maxil said slowly and clearly, as he was talking to someone who
appeared to be ancient and so - he assumed - hard of hearing, “I can
see that obviously you’re in a different league to your lackey Vader,
but – don’t take this personally, Emperor – you mention that your one
weakness is a likeliness to be outwitted by teenagers and a crazy
green alien. Now, in this school your biggest challenges will be
dealing with teenagers and a crazy green alien. Well, you *must* see
my concerns here -.”


Barbara glared at the acting head teacher. “This has been a farce.”

“I know,” he agreed. “The quality of the candidates so far – I really
must have a word with Miss Noble about the selection process.”

She said coldly, “That is not what I meant. Why are teachers who have
worked here from some time barred from applying? Mr Borusa and I -.”

“You know what has happened to every single head teacher we’ve ever
had,” he snapped. “What do you take me for? Lose my best teachers
with real experience of what happens here – don’t be ridiculous!”

Barbara sighed. “And could that be what’s wrong here?”

“I know what this is about,” he said, his eyes narrowing. “This is
about what happened to Chesterton, isn’t it?”

“Of course not,” she said, her expression darkening.

Maxil glared. “It is, isn’t it? It’s some crazy suicidal plan to be
able to spend all your time lazing around back at the Round where,
presumably, he’s alive and well. Hah! I’m not falling for that one.
You get back in there and start coming up with some intelligent

“Since you won’t stop for breath long enough for me to ask any, I
don’t see the point,” she retorted majestically, but she swept off in
the direction of his office.

The acting head marched down to the school secretary’s office to see
who was waiting. “Miss Noble?”

Standing there was a familiar-looking figure in a patchwork, multi-
coloured coat.

“Absolutely not!” he said in horror.


The Sixth Doctor stalked away from H G Wells in high dugdeon. "I
shall have to speak to my lawyer about his behaviour! Really, I've
never met a more obnoxious, smug, fat-faced, idiotic -. Peri, what
are you staring at me for?"

"N-nothing," she said hastily, "just that you *are* your own lawyer,

He smiled at that. "Oh, yes. We'll I'm sure I'll find a way to deal
with this miscarriage of justice."


Maxil gave Miss Noble his sternest look. "Miss Noble, if this sort of
thing ever happens again, I shall have you fired. And when I say
fired, I mean, marched up against the school wall and shot by the
firing squad. Do you understand me?"

Miss Noble finished the filing before deigning to reply. "And if you
ever speak to me like that again, pigeon-face, I shall resign and by
resign, I mean shove the feathers off your hat up your gob until they
come out your nose. Is that clear?"

"Well," he said slightly diminished, "in the mean time, shall we have
the next candidate?"


TTR is the creation of Tyler Dion, Then Do That Over of Paul
Gadzikowski and the three candidates - can't imagine where they came
from, but they certainly don't belong to me.

Doctor Who is copyright of the BBC.

Please feel free to continue if people like... I can't help but feel
that everyone else will be able to think of funnier candidates!!