PRESS CONFERENCE [ The scene opens to a large briefing room. At the lectern stands a mysterious ROBED FIGURE, with a hooded cowl pulled low so that the face cannot be seen. The ROBED FIGURE is smoking a cigarette, while behind him stand (l-r): ADRIC; the Discworld's DEATH; NYSSA; and a SECOND ROBED FIGURE.] [The ROBED FIGURE taps on the lectern's microphone. When he speaks, it is with a thick Southern accent.] ROBED FIGURE: Testin'... testin'... Is this thing on? Testin'... RANDOM VOICE-OVER: Hey! Not here! Do that on alt.test! RF (sheepishly): Oh, crap. Sorry. RV-O: That's okay, just read the FAQ next time. RF: Ladies, gen'lemen, allegorical representations of the state of non-being, and whatever else reads Usenet, your attention please! I am Bradley K. Willis, infamous internet author and part-time human bein'. With me are my associates, Mr. Adric... [ADRIC waves a little hesitantly.] RF: ...Mr. Death... [DEATH raises his scythe in salute.] RF: ...Miss Nyssa of Traken... [NYSSA curtsies. As she does so, several knives, pistols, and other weapons fall out of her dress.] RF: ...and my fellow-author and human bein', Mr. Douglas B. Killings. [SECOND ROBED FIGURE waves.] RF: I'm botherin' y'all tonight to tell y'all the latest update on what has been called the Psycho-Nyssa series-without-a-name... NYSSA (angrily): Psycho?!? Who's been calling me a psycho? I'm no psychopath! If I find out who's been saying that, I'll rip their kidneys out and shove them up their-- RF (interrupting): _Anyway_, as I was saying, the series-without- a-name is nameless no more! That's right! Workin' together in synergistic harmony, or some such crap, Mr. Killings an' I have developed the idea into a new story series called... [pauses] ADRIC: Well? RF (to ADRIC): Hush up, kid, this is a pause for dramatic effect. [checks watch] NYSSA: Just _say_ it, you moron! [holds up a bowie knife] RF (hurriedly): Yes'm. The name of the series is 'To Die For'. DEATH [pauses]: THAT'S IT? RF: Umm, yeah. (defensively) I liked it. Lemme just fill y'all in, 'fore you start wavin' that medieval weed-whacker at me, Bone- boy. It's like this. We've got a storyline all worked out, with one of them-there plots and ever'thin'. It'll be a bit more than just our li'l buddy Adric bitin' the dust... [ADRIC perks up.] RF: ...Although there'll still be plenty of that... [ADRIC scowls.] RF: ...An' pretty li'l Nyssa will get to do what she does best... [ADRIC looks very alarmed, while NYSSA grins happily at him and makes the finger-across-the-throat motion.] RF: ...An' we'll have a right many appearances by ol' Death, as well as lots of other folks from all over comin' by to visit an' such. All this good stuff an' plenty more in 'To Die For', by Douglas B. Killings... [SECOND ROBED FIGURE waves.] RF: ...An' Bradley K. Willis. Available wherever fine liter'ture is afraid to go. I'll now field any questions that don't seem too hard. [The ROBED FIGURE appears to scan a crowd somewhere be- hind the camera. He then points with his cigarette at someone in that area.] RF: We'll start with you in the back -- the fella with the shades on and pinstriped suit. RANDOM VOICE-OVER (with a heavy New York accent): Yeh, Mr. Willis, I'm Carlocimi Vecchio, of da _Legitimate and Abso- lutely Legal Sicilian Businessmen's Gazette_, and I'd just like to know how youse guys feel about other writers 'muscling in' on your racket -- eh, I mean, _storyline_. RF: Glad you asked that. We ain't tryin' to hijack the Psycho stories... NYSSA (indignantly): Hey! RF: ... for ourselves. We're just wantin' to get a common plot idea goin' for our own, an' work 'em into some sort of cont'nuity. Other folks are welcome to write under the 'To Die For' title, an' those what fit our cont'nuity will be added in, while those what depart from our cont'nuity will be 'side stories'. Nor do we mean that all Psych-- umm... stories of Adric bein' killed over an' over would be included, just the ones titled 'To Die For', plus a few pre-existin' stories if their authors don't care. Next question... you in the over- alls. RV-O (with thick Louisiana accent): Lester duChaine, _Justfine Bayou Weekly News_. How come we cain't see ye-all's faces? RF: 'Cause I got no idea what Doug looks like, an' it'd be low of me to not include 'im, or to call 'im "nondescript man", while I get seen right close. Next... the lady with the hairy legs. RV-O (female voice, indignantly): That's "WOMYN with the hairy legs", thank you. Gretchen Manstreicher, _Better Homes and Gynarchies_. Will this series involve any offensive material? RF: Depends on how much it takes to offend you. In your case, I'd say more likely than not. Umm... you in the green leisure suit and gold medallions. RV-O (oily male voice): Max Wolfe, _Chauvinism Illustrated_. I'd just like to ask if that babe Gretchen isn't doing anything after the conference, if she'd like to dance the horizontal tango in my hotel room and maybe do some ironing... [There is a sound of considerable violence being done in the aud- ience. The ROBED FIGURE calmly waits for the noise to die down.] RF: Okay, you there in front. RV-O: Colin Smythe of _Sensible People's Daily_... RF (surprised): Sensible people? Ye gods, what're you doin' _here_? RV-O (Smythe): I'd like to ask whether you think this conference hasn't become terribly off-topic. RF: Hmmm... Guess it has. We'll call it done, then. Thank y'all for comin', an' remember: that's 'To Die For'. Ask for it by name, an' just see what kind of look you get. [ADRIC, DEATH, and NYSSA file out as the ROBED FIGURE gathers his notes. The SECOND ROBED FIGURE taps him on the shoulder, and the two have a brief whispered conversation.] RF: Oh, yeah. By the way, folks, Doug here has the list of what current stories by us an' others are part of our cont'nuity, an' he'll be postin' her right soon. [The two ROBED FIGURES walk off as the scene fades.] SRF (softly): How come I didn't get a speaking part? RF (softly): Sorry, man. I didn't know your speech patterns an' I was afraid I'd piss you off... [Fade to black. The following message appears on the screen: THIS ANNOUNCEMENT BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE TISH- OMINGO COUNTY TOURISM BOARD AND LIVE BAIT STORE.] [End.]