"Right," Rose said to Mickey. "I've asked around. As long as we don't rub them up the wrong way, the kids'll be fine. Just treat them like normal toddlers."

"You got a lot of experience with children?" Mickey asked.

"All the time in fanfics," Rose said. "The Doctor and I must've had a baby for every day of the year."

"Oh, yeah, them." Mickey grinned. "All called things like Gallifreyette and Tardisinia. I s'pose after that lot, even a nursery full of little baby Doctors and Jamies and Tegans and Masters and Donnas and Marthas can't compare. And baby Roses, of course, they're the worst of the lot."

"If you don't shut up I'm gonna thump you."

"Shutting up right now, ma'am." He gave an ironic salute. "What about the story?"

"I thought we'd start with that. Izzy says they don't seem to mind what it's about, as long as it's exciting. But Sherlock Holmes is a safe bet."

Mickey shrugged. "You're the boss."

Somehow, the gaze of twenty-odd toddlers had never seemed so penetrating. Mickey, crouched uncomfortably on a beanbag, found himself trying not to look at them — particularly not his own counterpart, who was pushing a toy car up and down Baby Rose's back.

"All ready?" Rose — the proper Rose — asked. She was sitting in the storyteller's chair, the heavy book open on her lap, looking completely confident. "Today I'm gonna read you Sherlock Holmes and the Adventure of the Priory School."

There was a muted buzz of anticipation.

"'We have had some dramatic entrances and exits upon our small stage at Baker Street,'" Rose began.

Rose / Narrator [vo] :
But I cannot recollect anything more sudden and startling than the first appearance of Thorneycroft Huxtable, M.A., Ph.D., etc. He was so large, so pompous, and so dignified that he was the very embodiment of self-possession and solidity.

[221B Baker Street. The door opens, to admit Malcolm from 'Planet of the Dead'. He takes two paces forward, and collapses onto the hearthrug, with a melodramatic groan.]

Rose / Narrator [vo] :
We had sprung to our feet—

She broke off as a swirling bubble of energy suddenly enveloped her. There was a rush of air, a pop, and then nothing but the book lying on the empty chair.

Mickey jumped to his feet.

"Rose?" he called. "Rose!"

"She's in the story," said a child's voice. Someone tugged at his trousers. He turned, to see an adorable brunette in an Andy Pandy romper suit.

"She's what?" he asked.

"She's writed herself into the story. Because she said 'We'. Look."

Mickey looked. Above and a little behind the storyteller's chair, as through a shimmering window, he could see Sherlock Holmes's living room, with UNIT's luckless scientific advisor stretched out on the floor. Kneeling beside him was Rose, dressed to the last detail as an Edwardian man about town.

"She can't come out now until the end," the little girl continued.

"I knew this would all go wrong." Mickey clutched his head. "Now what do I do?"

"You read us the story. Only change the words round so you don't end up in it as well."

"Yeah, I see. Thanks... Sarah, is it?"

"Sarah Jane," the tot said firmly.

The other toddlers had been getting restive, but settled down again as Mickey reluctantly took his seat and picked up the book.

Mickey / Narrator [vo] :
Holmes hurried with a cushion for his head, and, er, Watson gave him brandy.

[Rose / Watson pours a glass of brandy. Susan, wearing a dressing gown over shirt and trousers, hurries up with a cushion.]

Rose / Watson :
Just a minute. How come you're playing Sherlock Holmes?

Susan / Holmes :
I don't know. It must be the luck of the draw.

Rose / Watson :
Weird. It's not like we're, you know, regular partners or anything.

[Malcolm / Dr Huxtable groans, and sits up.]

Malcolm / Dr Huxtable :
Oh, what have I done now? Mr Holmes, how can I apologise? It's inexcusably rude of me to go fainting all over the place. And you being one of my greatest heroes too. [He looks from one to the other.] Excuse my asking, but is there any reason why the cleverest detective of the age and his trusty assistant have both suddenly become teenage girls?

Rose / Watson :
We was just wondering the same thing.

Malcolm / Dr Huxtable :
Perhaps it's something to do with anime. You can't pull huge hammers out of nowhere, can you? Because I've always wanted to see that done under properly controlled scientific conditions.

Susan / Holmes :
As it happens, we can't.

Rose / Watson :
But we'll start wishing we could if you carry on like this.

Susan / Holmes :
Now, please tell us what we can do for you.

Malcolm / Dr Huxtable :
Yes. Yes. Mr Holmes, you must come to Mackleton with me by the next train. There isn't a second to lose.

Susan / Holmes :
Quite impossible. My colleague, Dr Watson, could tell you that we are very busy at present.

Rose / Watson :
Yeah. Um. Look, we're trying to track down, um, a Mormon and a pygmy who nicked the Black Pearl of the, er, Mazarin Proclamation. Or something.

Malcolm / Dr Huxtable :
This is far more important! Haven't you heard? The only son of the Duke of Holdernesse has been abducted!

Rose / Watson :
The Duke of where?

Susan / Holmes :
I don't know, but he sounds important. Could you make a long arm and see what it says about him in Who's Who?

[Watson crosses to the bookshelf and retrieves the book.]

Rose / Watson :
"Holdernesse, 6th Duke, K.G, P.C.—"

Malcolm / Dr Huxtable :
Look, you don't need to bother with all that. What matters is he's one of the most well-connected people in the country, and one of the richest. He's offering a reward of three point three recurring megajudases for finding his son, and nought point six recurring for naming the kidnapper.

Susan / Holmes :
What's a megajudas?

Rose / Watson :
Dunno. Never heard of it before.

Malcolm / Dr Huxtable :
Oh, sorry. Fifteen hundred pounds. You see, Judas was given thirty pieces of silver and so—

Susan / Holmes :
Is this part of your currency system I haven't previously come across?

Rose / Watson :
I think he's making it up as he goes along. Can we get down to the facts, please?

Malcolm / Dr Huxtable :
The facts. Yes, of course. I must inform you, gentlemen, that the Priory is a preparatory school, of which I am the founder and principal. Without exception, it is the best and most select preparatory school in England.

Rose / Watson :
You're not doing yourself any favours here, mate.

Malcolm / Dr Huxtable :
Lord Leverstoke, the Earl of Blackwater, Sir Cathcart Soames — they all have entrusted their sons to me.

Rose / Watson :
You do know my family's always voted Labour, don't you?

Malcolm / Dr Huxtable :
But I felt that my school had reached its zenith when, three weeks ago, the Duke of Holdernesse sent Mr. James Wilder, his secretary, with the intimation that young Lord Saltire, ten years old, his only son and heir, was about to be committed to my charge.

Rose / Watson :
And I bet you were grovelling around him all day.

Malcolm / Dr Huxtable [addressing Holmes] :
Excuse me, but we're not going to get anywhere if your colleague keeps on barracking me.

Susan / Holmes :
Watson, please could you let the gentleman tell his story?

Rose / Watson :
Yeah, OK.

Malcolm / Dr Huxtable :
Anyway, he arrived on the first of May, that being the beginning of the Summer term. He quickly fell into our ways, and seemed quite happy. I must tell you, you see, that his parents recently separated, and the Duchess has gone to live in France. The boy's sympathies were with his mother, and the Duke felt he wasn't happy at home. So he sent him to my school.

[Several times during this account, Watson has obviously been wanting to deliver her opinion of the Duke. As Dr Huxtable finishes his last sentence, she pulls out a handkerchief, and feigns a sneeze.]

Rose / Watson :
Aaaaaaaahh....—ckwit.

Malcolm / Dr Huxtable :
Now, I heard that, miss, and I don't think you should be saying such things in front of the little kiddies.

"Quit! Quit!" little Ace shouted, and then slyly looked up at Mickey to see if he was reacting.

Mickey gave her the sternest look he could manage. "If you're gonna make a racket like that I won't read any more of the story."

Apparently disappointed at her failure to shock him, Ace fell silent.

"Reckon we just dodged a bullet there," Mickey muttered, and resumed reading.

Malcolm / Dr Huxtable :
The last anyone saw of his young Lordship was on Monday night. He couldn't have come out of his room by the door, because that leads to another room where there were two other lads asleep, and that would've woken them up. But the window was open, and he could easily have climbed down the ivy outside.

Susan / Holmes :
Had his bed been slept in?

Malcolm / Dr Huxtable :
Oh, yes.

Susan / Holmes :
What about his clothes?

Malcolm / Dr Huxtable :
Well, I don't know if they'd been slept in, see, because they were gone as well.

Susan / Holmes :
I meant, what was he wearing?

Malcolm / Dr Huxtable :
His school uniform. That's a black Eton jacket and grey trousers. Anyway, as I was saying, there couldn't have been a struggle or anything like that because that would have woken the boys next door.

Rose / Watson :
And that's it? He climbed down the ivy and vanished?

Malcolm / Dr Huxtable :
Oh, no, it gets worse. I called a roll of the whole school and the German master was missing as well. He'd climbed down the ivy and gone off on his bike. There's been so sign of either of them since.

Susan / Holmes :
And this was on Tuesday morning. What happened after that?

Malcolm / Dr Huxtable :
Well, we asked at Holdernesse Hall, in case the boy had got homesick and gone back to his father. Nothing had been heard of him.

Rose / Watson :
So why wait till now to come to us?

Malcolm / Dr Huxtable :
It's the Duke, see. He wanted to avoid any scandal. He doesn't want people to hear about his family life.

Rose / Watson :
Yeah, I'm not surprised.

Susan / Holmes :
Did you call the police?

Malcolm / Dr Huxtable :
Yes, we did. They asked at the railway station and found that a boy and a young man had left by the early train. Last night they were found in Liverpool.

Rose / Watson :
And?

Malcolm / Dr Huxtable :
It turned out they had nothing whatever to do with the case.

Susan / Holmes :
And was that all the police did?

Malcolm / Dr Huxtable :
Well... yes. You see they're a bit stretched at the moment.

Rose / Watson :
So, all in all, you've wasted three days.

Malcolm / Dr Huxtable :
Pretty much, yes.

Susan / Holmes :
All right, I'll take the case. Will you excuse us? We need to pack some clothes.

Malcolm / Dr Huxtable :
Of course. I'll go and call a four-wheeler.

[He departs.]

Rose / Watson :
That's one screwed-up family. I really don't get sending your kids off to boarding school.

Susan / Holmes :
At least the little boy might meet some people his own age. When Grandfather let me go to Coal Hill School I loved it.

Rose / Watson :
That was your idea, though. [She shakes her head.] And I can't get used to the idea that the Doctor's a grandad. He looks too young.

Susan / Holmes :
You can't always judge by external appearances. Anyway, let's get on with the packing.

[The Great Hall, Euston railway station, crowded with travellers. Holmes appears through the throng, followed by Dr Huxtable.]

Susan / Holmes :
Have you been able to trace any connection between the missing boy and this German master?

Malcolm / Dr Huxtable :
No, none at all.

Susan / Holmes :
The boy wasn't in his class?

Malcolm / Dr Huxtable :
No. As far as anyone can tell, they never even spoke to each other.

Rose's voice [off] :
'Scuse me... coming through... can I get past, please?

Susan / Holmes :
Did the boy have a bicycle?

Malcolm / Dr Huxtable :
No.

Susan / Holmes :
Were any other bicycles missing?

Malcolm / Dr Huxtable :
No. We checked them all.

Susan / Holmes :
That doesn't make any sense. You can't kidnap someone and take them away on your bicycle. Jonathan Spears tried it when I was at Coal Hill, and believe me, if Claire Taylor — that was the girl he was 'abducting' — well, if she hadn't been coöperating as hard as she could, they wouldn't have made it across the playground without falling off, let alone as far as—

[The crowd parts briefly, to reveal Watson, holding a heavy suitcase in each hand and dragging a third, even larger, one behind her on wheels.]

Susan / Holmes :
Ah, Watson. You're just in time.

Rose / Watson [exhausted] :
Yeah. I'm fine, thanks for asking.

[She sits down on one of the suitcases, which flexes alarmingly.]

Susan / Holmes :
Have you got our tickets?

Rose / Watson [handing them over] :
Here.

Susan / Holmes :
Splendid. Which way is it to our platform?

Rose / Watson :
I dunno.

Susan / Holmes :
I thought you were from London. Haven't you been to Euston station before?

Rose / Watson :
Yeah, but all this was knocked down in the Sixties. And frankly, I can see why. It's a complete rabbit warren.

Malcolm / Dr Huxtable [collaring a porter] :
Excuse me, sir, which way should we go to take the Mackleton train?

Jack Harkness / Porter :
That way. You'll need to run, it's due to leave in three minutes.

[The suitcase Watson is sitting on chooses that moment to fall open, depositing her on the floor in a heap of Edwardian clothes.]

Susan / Holmes :
Come along, Watson, no time to lose!

[She disappears into the crowd, along with Doctor Huxtable.]

Rose / Watson [frantically trying to repack the suitcase] :
Give me a hand with this stuff. Please?

Jack Harkness / Porter [holding up a frilly undergarment] :
Watson wears this under his clothes? Is that just for Holmes, or can I get to see you in it too?

Rose / Watson :
Just pack it and shut up. Next time I see Lynda, I'm gonna kill her.

Jack Harkness / Porter :
Thought the Daleks already did that?

Rose / Watson :
They didn't do what I'm gonna do to her.

[A compartment on the train. Holmes and Dr Huxtable sit by the window, looking out at the view. Watson is slumped in a corner seat, mopping her brow.]

Susan / Holmes :
Did anyone call to see the boy on the day before he disappeared?

Malcolm / Dr Huxtable :
No.

Susan / Holmes :
Did he get any letters?

Malcolm / Dr Huxtable :
One. It was from his father.

Susan / Holmes :
Do you have your censors look at the letters before the boys can read them?

Malcolm / Dr Huxtable :
No. Why, do you think we should?

Susan / Holmes :
They do at the Academy. But if you didn't have the letter read, how did you know who sent it?

Malcolm / Dr Huxtable :
Well, it had the Duke's coat of arms on the envelope.

Rose / Watson :
So? Anyone with a laser printer could do that.

Malcolm / Dr Huxtable :
They don't have laser printers in this time, remember? And I recognised the Duke's handwriting on the envelope.

Rose / Watson [sulkily] :
Could have been forged.

Malcolm / Dr Huxtable :
And I asked the Duke about it, and he confirms that he wrote it.

Rose / Watson :
Oh.

Susan / Holmes :
And that was the only letter he'd had recently?

Malcolm / Dr Huxtable :
Apart from all the offers for fire insurance and storm insurance and offers of money to be advanced on his note of hand alone. But all the lads get those, all the time.

Rose / Watson :
Yeah, I know the sort of thing. And menus from the local tandoori. Weird. When we were living in a flat on the Powell Estate we got tandoori menus and when I was living with my stepdad in a mansion in a different universe we still got tandoori menus. And they were from the same restaurant.

Susan / Holmes :
It's probably a time rift opened up by a prototype vortex drive. Eating establishments fall into them and show up where they aren't supposed to.

Malcolm / Dr Huxtable :
Preposterous! I've never heard anything so ridiculous in my life! Next you'll be telling me it's all done with bistromathics.

Susan / Holmes :
No, there's no such thing as bistromathics.

Rose / Watson :
Even I know that. Do you know what sort of dad the Duke was? I mean, did he get on all right with his son?

Malcolm / Dr Huxtable :
The Duke doesn't really get on with anyone. But he was always kind to the boy, in his own way.

Rose / Watson :
So it was his mum he was missing, not his dad?

Malcolm / Dr Huxtable :
That's right.

Susan / Holmes :
Who told you all this? Was it Lord Saltire? Or the Duke?

Malcolm / Dr Huxtable :
No, it was the Duke's secretary, Mr. Wilder. He told me so I wouldn't say anything that might upset the lad.

Susan / Holmes :
Have you still got the letter?

Malcolm / Dr Huxtable :
We couldn't find it. The boy must have taken it with him.

[A pause.]

Rose / Watson :
Are we nearly there yet?