What can I say? These things seem to come all at once. TTR/LWT: Storytime! Rapunzel By V Jewitt In which the Simm Master finally makes good his threat to tell the Grimm fairytale, Rapunzel. With obligatory evil witch, sappy princess and more than one unexpected pregnancy. * Izzy flung herself halfway across the Round, onto a bar stool and banged her head on the bar itself. "It's been that kind of day, hasn't it?" agreed Adric, who had his arm in a sling. She sighed heavily. "It's *always* that kind of a day. Why can't someone tell a simple children's story?" "Did I hear someone mention my name?" The newest Master was instantly at her side, putting on his best 'earnest' face. "You want a reliable, dedicated, child-friendly storyteller. You must have been talking about me!" Izzy raised her head slowly to look at him. Odd as it was, compared to Gwen, Barbara, Isobel, Jamie and Zoe, her best bet seemed to be the Master and Doctor Watson. What *that* said about the state of unreality lately, she didn't know. She took a deep breath. "Okay. But a suitable, short, non-violent children's story." "Scout's honour," said the Master and ran off gleefully. Adric and Izzy looked at each other. "What's a scout?" asked Adric. "Something he *never* was," shot back Izzy and ran for the creche before anything worse happened. * When she got there, the Master was reaching for the Book. "I told you - I need to know exactly what it is you're planning!" He raised his eyebrows. "But that would spoil the surprise!" "I don't like surprises," said Izzy. "Not any more." The Master opened the volume, which seemed to have grown fatter than ever. Sometimes Izzy wondered if there was something sinisterly alive about the Book, but then she realised that given the nature of the Round it could hardly be otherwise. "Well, suffice it to say that it won't be any more supposedly 'female empowered' stories. Unless, of course, you'd care for Roald Dahl's Cinderella?" "No," she snapped, knowing full well how many people lost their heads at the end of that. He coughed and began. "Topsy and Tim -." "What?" screamed Izzy. "You're not going to sit here and read 'Topsy and Tim meet the Ambulance Men' to this lot?" He passed her the book. "Of course not." Izzy read the title in front of her in disbelief. "Topsy and Tim get taken into - WHAT?" "Or, of course, Thomas Goes Off the Rails, or -." She hit him with the book. He laughed up at her from on the floor. "Izzy, just my little joke! You know I what I want! Please, pretty please, with sugar on top, and those little multicoloured sweetie things may I read Rapunzel?" Izzy opened the door to the other room, where the toddlers were gathering around the story corner. "Any actual casualties and you're out of here forever." * NARRATOR / MASTER Once upon a time -. * Mel had her hand up. "Ith thith a thtory of female empowerment?" "Yes," said the Master. "The two male characters are exceptionally useless and our heroine gets to throw the interfering prince from the top of a tower. Even the soppy princess gets to cut her hair and go out looking for a life." "I like fairy stories," sniffed Victoria. "What's wrong with fairy stories?" * THE MASTER / NARRATOR Once upon a time there lived a witch. She was a shy sort, keeping to herself in her posh house with a big garden. She was very fond of gardening and grew all sorts of herbs -." * Peri had her hand up now. "What sort, miss?" "I don't know, do I?" he said, crouching down to make a scary face at her. "I'm not a gardener - and *don't* call me miss!" Peri burst into tears. * NARRATOR Right, so there was this witch with a big garden, never at a loss for a salad. ROMANA I / WITCH [standing in a large garden outside a big house, wearing a white outfit] This isn't one of those story things again, is it? NARRATOR The witch had a sickeningly romantic married couple for neighbours, living in the little cottage at the end of her garden. ROMANA Witch? Why am I getting typecast as evil? NARRATOR Evil? You're just much maligned. Now, where was I? The next-door neighbours... [ROMANA II and the FOURTH DOCTOR are sitting together in a ramshackle cottage that once belonged to seven dwarfs.] ROMANA II / WOMAN I'm very happy, dear but I do wish we could have children. FOUR / HUSBAND [looking wildly alarmed] What? NARRATOR After a while, it turned out that her wish had been granted. [FOUR quickly passes ROMANA II a cushion. She turns around, pushes it under her dress and turns back with a pleased smile.] NARRATOR The trouble was, she had nothing to do but sit at home and look at the witch's garden. ROMANA II [staring out the window] Gosh! Look at that gorgeous rampion she's got growing there. I really fancy some of that. NARRATOR When her husband came home, she told him about this. ROMANA II I must have some of that glorious rampion or rapunzel to eat, or I shall die! NARRATOR And what did the couple do? Did they go next door with some homespun gift for the witch and a polite request for a bit of rampion? No, they decided to steal some. HUBAND / FOUR You want to eat rabbit food like that? WOMAN Yes, I do. So you had better go and get me some, or I shall die on the spot. [Poises ready to faint] HUSBAND Hmm, that would be a nuisance. I'd have to find another wife and that only ever leads to trouble. I suppose I'd better climb over the wall and get some for you. I am quite a dab hand at that sort of thing... * NARRATOR So, he climbed over the wall and helped himself to a bunch of rampion or rapunzel and took it back to his wife. [FOUR returns with some plastic daffodils] ROMANA II / WOMAN Lovely. I'll rustle up a quick salad. NARRATOR However, that wasn't enough for her. She enjoyed it so much that she was desperate for more. So her husband went to steal some more. ROMANA II [sighing] I shall die if I don't have some more of that rapunzel stuff. I want it three times as much as did yesterday. FOURTH DOCTOR / HUSBAND [thinking about this] Three times? I suppose I'd better go and get you some more. NARRATOR So again, what did the ungrateful idiot do? Did he rush round with a box of chocolates and try to sweet-talk the witch into handing over some rampion or rapunzel? No, it was back over the wall at the dead of night. If you ask me, he deserved all he got! [HUSBAND climbs over the wall, landing on his feet and reaching for some reeds this time when he notices the WITCH / ROMANA I watching him with her hands on her hips] HUSBAND Aargh! Do you mind, you made me jump... WITCH [enjoying herself now] You despicable thief! I shall have to kill you! HUSBAND Well, I say, that's not fair! For a handful of reeds and plastic daffodils? WITCH [even more annoyed] You stole my daffodils as well? NARRATOR What is it with fairytale characters stealing plants? * Peri had her hand up again. "Some plants are worth *lots* of money!" "Ooh," said the Master. "Really? I'll have to look into that sometime. Thanks for the tip." Izzy rolled her eyes. * WITCH / ROMANA I Oh, do get on with the story! Do I get to kill him? NARRATOR Unfortunately, not. WITCH That's disappointing. FOURTH DOCTOR Hey! NARRATOR The shameless horticultural criminal then begged for his life. HUSBAND I do? NARRATOR Yes, you do. Just get on with it, can't you? HUSBAND / FOURTH DOCTOR Oh, all right, but I usually come up with a terribly clever plan instead. NARRATOR Or you just talk your adversaries into an early grave; I know, Doctor, but can you get on your knees and beg the nice witch not to kill you? HUSBAND [waving his hat about wildly, but refusing to kneel] Look, I did this because I have a pregnant wife who told me she would die if she didn't get some of that splendid rapunzel stuff growing in your garden. So I went and got it for her and she seemed to like it awfully. So she needed some more. What else could I do, eh? WITCH Well, in that case you can have as much rampion as you choose. Um, Narrator, what exactly is this plant called? NARRATOR Rampion-or-rapunzel, apparently. HUSBAND Good! That sounds fair enough to me. NARRATOR The witch had not finished, as the foolish man soon found out. WITCH / ROMANA I You can have as much rampion-or-rapunzel as you choose, on one condition: you must give me the child your wife will bring into the world. I shall treat it well and be like a mother to it. HUSBAND That sounds fair enough. NARRATOR What his wife said when he got home with the rapunzel, the story doesn't say, but I can't imagine she was that pleased. HUSBAND / FOURTH DOCTOR What? You think I *told* her? Don't be stupid, man! ROMANA II / WIFE [suspiciously, but slightly preoccupied with keeping the cushion from falling out] What didn't you tell me? NARRATOR As soon as the child was born, the witch appeared in the cottage and stole the baby girl away. ROMANA II [holding a doll and looking pleased with herself] Look at my lovely baby dau -. Aargh! [ROMANA I / WITCH appears in the room and snatches the doll away and then disappears again] HUSBAND / FOURTH DOCTOR Oh, I think I may have forgotten to mention that the witch made a condition about us having that rapunzel from her garden. ROMANA II / WIFE That's it - I want a divorce! You thought *giving our child away* was an acceptable solution? To a *witch*? HUSBAND Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time - she was going to kill me! ROMANA II Oh, well, I suppose if she was going to kill you that's fair enough then. FOURTH DOCTOR That's what I said. NARRATOR The witch called the child Rapunzel and took her away to a tower, where she locked her up to protect her from the world. Apparently she didn't think a door would be useful and just got the girl to grow her hair really long, hang the plait out of the window and climbed up it every time she wanted to visit. I know I said that the witch was misunderstood, but I fear that long years of isolation and vegetation theft had left her a little unbalanced by this time. WITCH / ROMANA I [standing at the bottom of a tall tower] Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair! [A long blonde plait snakes its way down the tower and she climbs up] * NARRATOR Now, one day, the king's son was riding through the forest and heard Rapunzel singing. He followed the sound until he came to the tower, but he could find no way up. TENTH DOCTOR / PRINCE [walking through the forest when the sound of some really corny pop music starts blasting through the trees] What's that noise? I'd say that was sound pollution - think of the wildlife. I'm off to complain to whoever's behind it. [He reaches the tower] PRINCE Weird. There doesn't seem to be a way in. Wonder who walls themselves into a tower in the middle of a forest and then plays loud music? NARRATOR He was so charmed by the singing that he returned every day until he finally saw the witch visiting. PRINCE I'm going to get to the bottom of this - or do I mean the top? - if it kills me! WITCH / ROMANA I [walking out from behind a tree] Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair! PRINCE [watching from the bushes] Aha! So that's how you get in! NARRATOR Once the witch had left, the prince hurried across to the tower and tried the magic formula for himself.. PRINCE [shouting upwards] Rapunzel, Rapunzel - let down your hair! And turn that racket down while you're at it! NARRATOR The long plait slid down the tower and the young prince climbed up. PRINCE [pulling at the plait to test its strength] I don't know why I'm doing this. I know what this is about - the Master's doing Storytime and he wants to throw me into a thorn bush and blind me. I must be a mug. NARRATOR How well you know me, Doctor! PRINCE / TEN I knew it! Oh well, let's see who's behind the hair... [Almost at the top, DONNA / RAPUNZEL leans out] RAPUNZEL Is that my Prince Charming? PRINCE [stopping abruptly and hiding under the window ledge] No! It's the - er - postman! Yep, that's it! I've got a parcel for a Rumpelstiltskin. That doesn't sound like your name, so I'll just climb back down -. RAPUNZEL / DONNA If you're just some postman pulling my hair - TEN No way is this your hair! DONNA Well, of course it isn't. But, as I was saying, if you're just some postman than I should throw you off this tower now, as you're not meant to be part of the story. Come on, Doctor - it's really boring up here! TEN / PRINCE Oh, well, here goes! [He hauls himself over the ledge with some help from RAPUNZEL.] Look, first of all, stop that terrible noise! DONNA Noise? Oh, you mean this. I'm stuck up here, on my own day after day - I like to listen to my CDs to pass the time. TEN / PRINCE Well, you could keep the volume down. I haven't seen a bird's nest within ten miles of this tower. RAPUNZEL / DONNA [sulkily] I'm supposed to be really pleased you came. If you're just going to tell me off, that's going to be difficult. TEN / PRINCE Oh, I'm sorry. What are you doing up here? Why didn't the builder put a door into the tower? And I'd have thought a lift would have been a good idea. Some stairs at the very least! RAPUNZEL I don't know what you mean. My godmother, Dame Gothel, built this place for me and she comes to see me at least once a week. I don't know anything different. TEN / PRINCE But this is terrible! She can't be allowed to get away with locking you up here. We'll have to think of something. I know, if you take the wig off, you can climb back down with me. RAPUNZEL / DONNA [through gritted teeth] It's not a wig in the story! TEN / PRINCE Ah. I'll have to think of something else, then. NARRATOR No, you won't. I told you the males in this story were useless. Rapunzel came up with the idea of him bringing skeins of silk that she could weave into a ladder. Silk, eh? Talk about high maintenance! RAPUNZEL[folding her arms and glaring] If everyone's just going to sarcastic, I'm not doing this. I never asked to be some soppy princess stuck up a tower, offering to weave silk into a ladder. Like I know how to do weaving anyway! TEN / PRINCE I bet Romana knows, if you ask her nicely. NARRATOR Look, can people try to keep in character for two seconds together? Leave the ladder to me and just go, can't you? TEN / PRINCE Right. I'm off to find a crash mat for later. NARRATOR So life continued, with the witch and the prince both visiting Rapunzel. The prince brought with him silk skeins on each visit and Rapunzel kept herself so busy with weaving she no longer needed to play her noisy CDs. Until, one day when the witch came to visit. ROMANA I / WITCH [climbing up the tower with a real effort. Long white dresses, feathered cloaks and high heels are just not suitable for this sort of thing] RAPUNZEL I wish you wouldn't pull so much - it hurts! The Prince is much lighter - no trouble at all! ROMANA / WITCH Prince!!! What prince? PRINCE [hiding down below in the bushes] Look, I'm *not* skinny, all right! Can people stop with the personal comments, thanks? ROMANA / WITCH [slapping RAPUNZEL] There! You wicked, ungrateful girl! You've been seeing some prince behind my back, after all the trouble I went to, locking you in this tower and keeping you safe from unpleasant things like men? Right, that's it! I've had enough of you! NARRATOR The witch was so angry that she pulled out a pair of scissors and cut off Rapunzel's long plait, attached it to the window and made the girl climb down and cast her out into the wilderness, where she probably wandered around crying like these useless heroines tend to do. ROMANA / WITCH [pulling out a big pair of scissors] It's about time we cut your hair. I've been meaning to do it for years, but I never got around to it... RAPUNZEL / DONNA I promise I'll never do it again! [Snip!] NARRATOR Then the witch waited for the prince to arrive. Oh, I love this bit! Come on, Doctor! It's time for you to get what you deserve. PRINCE / TEN [reluctantly deciding that the only thing to do is to get on with it] Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair! [The long plait slides down the bricks of the tower] PRINCE / TEN You know, this tower is quite high... Perhaps she could throw me off when I'm only halfway up? NARRATOR In your dreams, Doctor * Izzy glared at her storyteller. "I told you that I'm not having people use Story time for their own ends!" "Look," said the Master, widening his eyes in unbelievable innocence, "what happens in the story?" Izzy sighed. "The prince gets thrown off the top of the tower into a thorn bush and blinded. All right. Hang on, what was the story about Topsy and Tim?" * NARRATOR When the prince reached the top, instead of his darling Rapunzel, he saw the witch waiting for him. She flung the plait out of the window and with it the prince. Who would have died, had he not landed right in a thorn bush. But the thorns scratched his eyes and he was left blinded and lost. PRINCE /TEN [arriving at the top to find the WITCH waiting] Hi! You must be this Dame Gothel Rapunzel was always talking about. Can I say that you don't look anything like the stereotypical fairytale witch and that outfit is just stunning? WITCH / ROMANA Sorry, but I'm still throwing you out of the window. If you'd left Rapunzel alone, this would never have happened! She is lost to you and you will never see her again! [The WITCH drops the plait she's holding and it and the PRINCE fall from the top of the tower, onto the carefully placed crash mat] TEN / PRINCE Phew. Now, I'll just need a bandage and some tomato sauce... * "No!" said Izzy. "Can't people please leave the tomato sauce alone? Tegan only eats her fish fingers with tomato sauce, Two will only ever eat brussel sprouts with tomato sauce on... Are you getting the picture here? It has too many other uses to be wasted in story time!" The Master grinned. "So we should try for some *real* blood? Izzy, you're coming around to my way of thinking!" "Fine," she said in defeat. "Tomato sauce it is, then." * NARRATOR The prince wandered around, blind and lost, until he came to the wilderness where Rapunzel was living with - wait a minute! - her twin children. Twins!? So, that was a very innocent relationship you two were having at the top of the tower... DONNA / RAPUNZEL [looking down at two baby dolls in her arms] I have to say that bit came as a shock to me, too. PRINCE / TEN I've just decided I'm deaf as well as blind. Possibly dead while I'm at it... NARRATOR The prince came to the wilderness where Rapunzel was living with her twins and heard a familiar voice. [RAPUNZEL / DONNA spies the wounded PRINCE / TEN] RAPUNZEL [slapping him hard] You pig! PRINCE / TEN Ow! Hey, I know that voice. And do you know what, you've hit me so hard, I think my eyesight has come back! [Pulls off the bandage] Rapunzel - it is you! RAPUNZEL / DONNA Well, how many other women did you leave pregnant with twins in the desert? [Pauses] On second thoughts, don't answer that! PRINCE / TEN [aggrieved] Since all I did was bring you a few parcels of silk skeins, I think it's me that should be having words with you. You told me you were a complete innocent, sheltered from the world by that witch. Hah! RAPUNZEL / DONNA What can I say? Trust me, I have *no* idea how this happened! PRINCE / TEN [dropping to his knees] Well, what do you say we let bygones be bygones, I marry you and we'll be king and queen and live in a palace instead of some poky tower or the middle of a desert? RAPUNZEL Sounds good to me, Doctor. I thought you'd never ask! It's like a nightmare - I'm a penniless single mother! With *twins*. PRINCE [getting back to his feet and dusting himself down] This whole illegitimacy thing is going to play havoc with the heir to the throne business, though. You do know how many battles that's likely to lead to? RAPUNZEL / DONNA This is fairytale land, right? How about we farm them out to some childless couple? TEN / PRINCE Good thinking, Rapunzel! RAPUNZEL I mean, like I said, I've got *no* idea where they came from... * [The FOURTH DOCTOR / HUSBAND opens the door to his cottage to find two baby dolls sitting outside it. He slams the door hastily and leans against it in horror.] NARRATOR And they all lived happily ever after. * Izzy snatched the book from the Master. "Where does it say that she had twins?" She flicked through the pages. "Oh. Well, in that case, can you stop telling *Grimm* fairy tales? What's wrong with Perrault and Andersen?" "How about Rumpelstiltskin?" he offered innocently. It took all Izzy's self-restraint not to throw the book at his head again. "Tut, tut," said the Master. "You're not going to be violent in front of the children, are you?" Izzy forced a smile. "Children, thank the kind man for telling you a nice story." Then she left him to his fate. *********** TTR was created by Tyler Dion; LWT by Imran Inayat and Storytime by B K Willis. Doctor Who is copyright of the BBC and BBC Wales. The Master's addiction to Storytime! is my problem.