Sadism 4 ~OR~ Christmas Falls on Furzeday (At This Time Round) by Erin Tumilty Saint Erin, despairing of getting anyone on stage, dejectedly sat on a stool and nursed an Irish Chocolate as she surveyed the chaos before her. Half the room was taken up by an enormous Christmas tree surrounded by a rapidly diminishing pile of brightly coloured packages and a growing crowd of party-goers. The other half was an obstacle course of chairs, tables, PMEB members, and desperate Doctors. The Valeyard, already knowing what his previous incarnations had gotten him for Christmas and being none too pleased with their selections, had granted the club special dispensation to allow all members in, instead of the usual two at a time. The militant wing had broken in that morning, nailing mistletoe to every available surface. They now enjoyed the fruit of their labours. Seeing that all forty-seven Doctors were either unwrapping presents or being...otherwise occupied, Erin wandered over to the tree. Nyssa sat nearby and was passing the gifts around, calling out the names of each recipient. "Peri- Yet another Victoria's Secret box...And, Zoe, this one must be yours, dear. It smells of rubber and says "From C.D."...Oo! This one's odd..." She picked up the package vaguely shaped like an hourglass on a stick and looked at the card. "Very odd." Nyssa looked up non-chalantly and sweetly called out, "Ohhh, Aaaa-dric. I've got a prezzie for you." All the hustle and bustle of the room suddenly stopped. The Parkin/Camfield 5th Doctor, who was closest to her, edged away, then cautiously said, "Now, Nyssa, we all know your...feelings...about Adric, but remember last time?" It had taken weeks to remove the stains from the ceiling. Nyssa sighed. "It's not even from me," she said, holding up the tag. "It's from that J2rider fellow. If you don't belive me, I'll go ahead and open it myself." She made a great show of looking around the room, then smiled slyly. "And, since Adric sadly appears to be missing from our company, I don't think he will protest." Before anyone could disagree with her, Nyssa ripped off the wrapping to reveal a gorgeous acoustic guitar, deep amber with rosewood inlays of antediluvian designs. She tentatively strummed a chord, and, when the tone came back clear and true, she gave a grin so evil the Valeyard had to surpress an urge to clap. "What a coincidence," she said. She stood up and sailed towards the stage, indiscriminately trampling feet, scarves, snd small fuzzy animal, holding the guitar before her like a standard into battle. Erin had already run for a corner and was in the process of using a table and several Kamelions to form a barricade. She had a sinking feeling she was going to find out why Nyssa had been so eager to learn that tune from her yesterday. She peeked over a metallic arm, and watched in horror as the last survivor of Traken broke into the opening chords of 'Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer'. "Oh, Adric got run over by a Dalek Going from the TARDIS Christmas night Which proves, though the Daleks may be evil, It doesn't stop them getting something right. We had all drunk too much egg-nog So nobody saw him go He thought he was in a British winter And he stumbled out the door onto Skaro When we found him Christmas morning At the scene of the attack He had a bill from Roger Hancock On his fore-head, and a plunger in his back. Adric got run over by a Dalek Going from the TARDIS Christmas night Which proves, though the Daleks may be evil, It doesn't stop them getting something right. Now we're all proud of the Doctor He's been taking this so well See him in there watching cricket, Drinking lemonade and snogging Mistress Mel..." Nyssa paused and scanned the room. "And Tegan, and Peri, and Elsa, and- Turlough?" There was a sound, suspiscously like that of two people jumping apart. Nyssa cleared her throat as the offending piece of mistletoe was removed, then resumed her song. "It's not Christmas without Adric Without his bitching, sans his whine And we just can't help but wonder: Do we return his gifts, or are they mine? Adric got run over by a Dalek Going from the TARDIS Christmas night Which proves, though the Daleks may be evil, It doesn't stop them getting something right. Now, Davros made sure his Daleks Could take a glass or two Without impairing their driving-" Nyssa was interrupted by a tremendous bang as the pub door blew open in a blizzard of snow, and a body stumbled in. Under the filth of mud and dirt was the faintest glimmer of a golden star. In some semblance of tune, he managed to croak: "Unless..." There was a strangled breath, in and out, "...somebody spikes the brew." And Adric collapsed. Nyssa nodded approvingly, "Why thank you, Adric. So- "I've warned all the fans and authors (Though the scriptwriters won't budge) Annoying characters be wary Of a girl who has a Dalek and a grudge! Adric got run over by a Dalek Going from the TARDIS Christmas night Which proves, though the Daleks may be evil, It doesn't stop them getting something right." Nyssa bowed to the spattering of applause, then lightly leapt off the stage. She carefully placed the guitar on top of her own stack of gifts, straightened up, and smiled for a camera that wasn't there. "And a merry Christmas to all of you at home." Her eyes narrowed. "Or else." ~FIN~