Sadism 4
~OR~
Christmas Falls on Furzeday (At This Time Round)
by Erin Tumilty

Saint Erin, despairing of getting anyone on stage,
dejectedly sat on a stool and nursed an Irish Chocolate
as she surveyed the chaos before her. Half the room
was taken up by an enormous Christmas tree surrounded
by a rapidly diminishing pile of brightly coloured
packages and a growing crowd of party-goers. The other
half was an obstacle course of chairs, tables, PMEB
members, and desperate Doctors.

The Valeyard, already knowing what his previous
incarnations had gotten him for Christmas and being
none too pleased with their selections, had granted
the club special dispensation to allow all members
in, instead of the usual two at a time. The militant
wing had broken in that morning, nailing mistletoe
to every available surface. They now enjoyed the
fruit of their labours.

Seeing that all forty-seven Doctors were either
unwrapping presents or being...otherwise occupied,
Erin wandered over to the tree. Nyssa sat nearby
and was passing the gifts around, calling out the
names of each recipient.

"Peri- Yet another Victoria's Secret box...And, Zoe,
this one must be yours, dear. It smells of rubber
and says "From C.D."...Oo! This one's odd..." She
picked up the package vaguely shaped like an hourglass
on a stick and looked at the card. "Very odd." Nyssa
looked up non-chalantly and sweetly called out, "Ohhh,
Aaaa-dric. I've got a prezzie for you."

All the hustle and bustle of the room suddenly stopped.
The Parkin/Camfield 5th Doctor, who was closest to
her, edged away, then cautiously said, "Now, Nyssa,
we all know your...feelings...about Adric, but remember
last time?"

It had taken weeks to remove the stains from the ceiling.

Nyssa sighed. "It's not even from me," she said, holding
up the tag. "It's from that J2rider fellow. If you don't
belive me, I'll go ahead and open it myself." She made
a great show of looking around the room, then smiled
slyly. "And, since Adric sadly appears to be missing from
our company, I don't think he will protest."

Before anyone could disagree with her, Nyssa ripped off
the wrapping to reveal a gorgeous acoustic guitar, deep
amber with rosewood inlays of antediluvian designs. She
tentatively strummed a chord, and, when the tone came back
clear and true, she gave a grin so evil the Valeyard had
to surpress an urge to clap.

"What a coincidence," she said. She stood up and sailed
towards the stage, indiscriminately trampling feet, scarves,
snd small fuzzy animal, holding the guitar before her like
a standard into battle.

Erin had already run for a corner and was in the process
of using a table and several Kamelions to form a barricade.
She had a sinking feeling she was going to find out why
Nyssa had been so eager to learn that tune from her
yesterday.

She peeked over a metallic arm, and watched in horror
as the last survivor of Traken broke into the opening
chords of 'Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer'.

"Oh, Adric got run over by a Dalek
Going from the TARDIS Christmas night
Which proves, though the Daleks may be evil,
It doesn't stop them getting something right.

We had all drunk too much egg-nog
So nobody saw him go
He thought he was in a British winter
And he stumbled out the door onto Skaro

When we found him Christmas morning
At the scene of the attack
He had a bill from Roger Hancock
On his fore-head, and a plunger in his back.

Adric got run over by a Dalek
Going from the TARDIS Christmas night
Which proves, though the Daleks may be evil,
It doesn't stop them getting something right.

Now we're all proud of the Doctor
He's been taking this so well
See him in there watching cricket,
Drinking lemonade and snogging Mistress Mel..."

Nyssa paused and scanned the room. "And Tegan, and
Peri, and Elsa, and- Turlough?" There was a sound,
suspiscously like that of two people jumping apart.
Nyssa cleared her throat as the offending piece of
mistletoe was removed, then resumed her song.

"It's not Christmas without Adric
Without his bitching, sans his whine
And we just can't help but wonder:
Do we return his gifts, or are they mine?

Adric got run over by a Dalek
Going from the TARDIS Christmas night
Which proves, though the Daleks may be evil,
It doesn't stop them getting something right.

Now, Davros made sure his Daleks
Could take a glass or two
Without impairing their driving-"

Nyssa was interrupted by a tremendous bang as the
pub door blew open in a blizzard of snow, and a
body stumbled in. Under the filth of mud and dirt
was the faintest glimmer of a golden star. In some
semblance of tune, he managed to croak:

"Unless..." There was a strangled breath, in and out,
"...somebody spikes the brew." And Adric collapsed.

Nyssa nodded approvingly, "Why thank you, Adric. So-

"I've warned all the fans and authors
(Though the scriptwriters won't budge)
Annoying characters be wary
Of a girl who has a Dalek and a grudge!

Adric got run over by a Dalek
Going from the TARDIS Christmas night
Which proves, though the Daleks may be evil,
It doesn't stop them getting something right."

Nyssa bowed to the spattering of applause, then
lightly leapt off the stage. She carefully placed
the guitar on top of her own stack of gifts,
straightened up, and smiled for a camera that
wasn't there.

"And a merry Christmas to all of you at home."

Her eyes narrowed.

"Or else."

~FIN~