SAILOR WHO by BKWillis Susan took a step back as the monster stalked down the alley towards her. It grinned to itself as it contemplated what looked to be easy prey. "Francois knock wuss-girl into next week," it growled, then chuckled evilly. Susan suddenly stopped and drew herself up straight. "You will regret this, Negaverse Fiend," she haughtily declared, then drew a short pink rod from her purse. Francois seemed more amused than cowed by her threat. "Stupid wuss-girl not scare Francois with silly sex-toy! Get ready for ass to be very kicked!" With that, the beast charged at her. "Sailor Gallifrey, make up!" The onrushing beast stopped as waves of light surrounded the girl. It was hard to tell with the glare and sparkles, but it looked as if her clothes were coming off. Francois held his pose for a moment as the transformation continued, then simply crossed his massive arms and drummed his fingers as the silly special- effects show went on. And on. Francois the Ogron-monster checked his watch. And on. "Any time, now," he grunted, one foot tapping impatiently. At last, the glow subsided. Susan Foreman now stood before him wearing a ludicrously skimpy Japanese schoolgirl's outfit and holding a triumphantly dramatic pose. "Girl hold pose like that too long, be needing chiropractor soon," Francois observed. "Shut up, monster!" Susan shouted. "Your evil rampage has just come to an end! I am the warrior of Love and Justice, and I shall punish you in the name of Gallifrey!" Francois blinked and peered curiously at the sailor-suited war- rior. "Why wuss-girl's chest look so much bigger in this outfit?" Susan thrust her hands out dramatically and, in the tradition of scantily-clad warriors for Justice throughout history, called out a really silly attack name as she prepared to open up a family- sized can of Whupass on the unimpressed Negaverse-Ogron- Fiend-Devil-Thingy. "Sparkling Righteousness Love Blast Strike!!" A massive beam of power lashed out from the girl's hands and blasted into the Ogron's torso. For a moment, the monster was totally obscured by coruscating force waves and cute little ex- plosions. Walls shook and windows shattered from the power of Sailor Gallifrey's most destructive attack. The whole alley filled with stinging smoke. "Hah! Teach you to call me 'wuss-girl'," Susan muttered, waving smoke from her face. Seconds later, a massive paw swung down out of the smoke and swatted her into the wall. "Not bad special-effects, wuss-girl. But Francois prefer old- fashioned butt-kicking." Susan could only cower against the wall, dazed, as the beast reached for her again. "Stop right there, monster!" Francois looked up as a small blue star whizzed past his head and embedded itself in the wall. To his chagrin, it looked as if the party had just been crashed. "Take heart, Sailor Gallifrey! Your friends are here to help!" A young man in a mask, top hat, and yellow-and-green pajamas shouted encouragement and readied another throwing star. Susan squealed happily. "Pajama Mask! You've come to save me! Oh, he's _so_ dreamy!" "Geek-boy come on. Francois have plenty whupass for two." "Do not overlook _us_, beast!" Sailor Sevateem leaped into the alley, leather sailor-suit stretching tautly. Pajama Mask found his eyes wandering. "We're here for you, Sailor Gallifrey!" Sailor Wheel in Space stopped to pose heroically in the alley mouth. Across the street, K. Michael Wilcox went catatonic. Sailor Traken strolled casually up next to the others. "Fight on, Sailor Gallifrey," she said without much conviction. There was an awkward pause. "Umm... shouldn't there be one more?" Susan asked from under the Ogron's grasping paw. Sailor Scouts, monster, and ludic- rously-named superhero all looked around. "Yeah, yeah. Hold on. I'm coming," a drawling voice stated. A moment later, a short, curvy redhead leaped down from a nearby fire escape. Her skimpy sailor-suit had the sleeves cut off, revealing a flag tattooed on one arm. Everyone stared as she stopped to light a cigarette. "Sailor... Alabama?" Sailor Wheel in Space (aka Zoe Herriot) asked timidly. "Yeah," the newcomer sourly replied. "And believe me, Willis is gonna _pay_ for this." "Get in line," Sailor Traken muttered. Sailor Sevateem nodded in agreement. The Ogron cleared his throat noisily. "Excuse, but silly little girls fight Francois now, yes?" Pajama Mask (who, unknown to the Sailor Scouts, was actually wealthy playboy and mathematician Adric of Alzarius in dis- guise) pulled a copy of the script from some hidden inner pocket and flipped quickly through it. "That's right," he said. "It says here that Sailor Wheel in Space is supposed to attack first." Francois nodded. "Okey-dokey. Panty-flasher girl come on when ready." Sailor Wheel in Space took a deep breath and charged the Ogron, shouting, "Stellar Chain Logic Crush!" Tendrils of blazing en- ergy arced from her hands and into her foe's body, driving him back a step. Still, the beast didn't fall. As Zoe's attack faded, he reached out and thumped her on the head, knocking her down. "Huntress Power Paralyzation Wave!" Sailor Sevateem sent her own blast of silly-looking but dangerous energy slamming into the Negaverse Ogron, to no better effect than the others had. "He is too strong for me!" she cried in dismay. "Sailor Traken, help us!" "Oh, right." Sailor Traken tried a few silly poses, but none of them seemed quite right. Finally, she shrugged and simply stood with her hands thrust ahead of her. "Sparkling Starlight... umm... Power... Blasting... no, wait... Sparkling Blast... no, that isn't it..." She thought for a moment, then just shrugged again and pulled a pistol from her shirt. "Staser Pistol!" she called, then blasted the Ogron with it. Francois dropped as if poleaxed. Susan pounded the wall angrily. "Damn it, Nyssa! Stay in character!" Sailor Traken smirked in reply. "It worked, didn't it?" "But, that wasn't in the script," Pajama Mask whined, waving said document. "You were supposed to all be beaten individ- ually by the monster and then team up and combine your pow- ers to save the day." "Big deal," Sailor Traken shot back. "It's not like that won't be the plot of next week's episode." "Can I go now?" Sailor Alabama asked, folding her arms to cover up the large amount of cleavage she was showing. On the ground, the Ogron sighed and muttered, "Just hope Naoko Takeuchi never see this..." --BKWillis Copyright Notice: 'Doctor Who' is property of the BBC. 'Sailor Moon' (Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon) is the property of Naoko Takeuchi and a whole slew of corporations. Story and original characters are mine.