SAY IT ISN'T SO 1/1 TTR Peri arc IIIii by Paul Gadzikowski Bits of this work may derive from properties of the BBC, Fox, Paramount, et al., but it's non-profit and in no way intrudes on their markets. THIS TIME ROUND concept by Tyler Dion, after Kielle. Perviously in the author's TTR Peri arcs: In the tavern Outside continuity, Peri married all eight Doctors. The revelation during an adventure in KING ARTHUR IN TIME AND SPACE space that Peri is Arthur's half-sister turned out to be only the opening installment of the Doctor's Outside Continuity campaign to offer Peri multiple paternity scenarios to chose from. Most recently, the Doctor has elected to bring Peri's mother into their search, inviting her to This Time Round - to Peri's consternation, not to mention panic. ***** Doctor Six leapt to the woman in the doorway. "How do you do, mum," he said, "I am one-eighth of your son-in-law." Peri's mother eyed Doctor Six's waistline. "A bit larger proportion than that, I'll bet." "You see?!" Peri shouted, frantically alternating the pointing of an accusing finger between her mother and Doctor Six. "You see?!" Doctor Six drew himself up to his full height and smiled insincerely. "I suppose so. Well, you really *must* tell me, later, where *you* have *your* alterations done." Peri's eyes and mouth got nearly as wide as Adric's when Nyssa enters the 'Round at 23:59. Her mother's eyes, regarding Doctor Six, narrowed to mere very narrow things. At the bar Sarah Jane, Peri's greatest confidante at the 'Round, was whispering frantically to Space Nimue who was eyeing Peri's mother through the loop of the ankh of her umbrella handle and tracing wards in the air with the index finger of her other hand. Adric, sitting in a booth with Spike from BUFFY, bore the same expression as Adric's when Nyssa enters the 'Round at 23:59, but Spike had the same look. It was apparent to all present that there was no telling what Peri's mother would do. She laughed and shook Doctor Six's hand. "How nice to meet someone with a true grasp of civilized conversation. Come sit with us, Perpegilliam. And do brush your hair, you look a fright," she added, handing Peri a hairbrush out of her pocketbook as the three of them took seats at the table. "It is good to finally meet you," said Peri's mother to Doctor Six when they were settled. "You've only been my son-in-law for - how long - a year now?" "You could have come to the wedding," said Doctor Six. "The invitation was delayed in the mail," Peri's mother assured him. "Still ... your own daughter's wedding ... Imagine how heartbreaking that was for her." "I know, I know," said Peri's mother, looking over at Peri with a smile exactly as warm as Peri had been heartbroken. Suddenly Peri was certain her mother knew exactly who had delayed the invitation in the mail, and was unconcerned for him only because it was Francois. "If only there was some way," Doctor Six sighed, "that it could be made up to her ..." "What is it you want?" "Her father's name and, if you have it, present address." Peri's mother dropped all artifice. (Tripped carrying it on a tray, spilling it all over several people.) "You're kidding." Doctor Six sighed. "I've tried to talk her out of making this demand of you ..." Peri's mother glared daggers at him, but her facade of civility had obviously slipped, however momentarily, and he'd obviously won. "Very well. But you can look up the address yourself." "The name, then?" "Harlan Ralph Brown." Peri gasped. "*The* Harlan Brown? The second richest software magnate in the world?" "Even I know you must keep magnets *away* from software, child," her mother told her condescendingly, mask back on. "Thank you for coming by," said Doctor Six, standing and smiling in obvious dismissal. "We shan't keep you any longer." "A pleasure," Peri's mother said, rising. "I can see myself out." On impulse Peri bared her teeth and said, "Come back any time." Her mother turned to stare at her, then said to Doctor Six with apparent sincerity, "You're good for her." Then she left. "What a monster," said Doctor Six. "Harlan Brown. Shall we beard the geek in his den?" Peri stood. Doctor Six stood but looked at his watch. "Let's allow a moment for the limousine to pull out so we don't catch up with her ..." As Doctor Six passed the table where Adric and Spike sat, he momentarily placed a hand on each of their shoulders. "Care to join us, dead boys?" "What's that about?" Adric asked Peri, Doctor Six already having moved on. "I think it's as close as you'll ever get to an apology," Peri told him. "Coming?" After a moment Adric got up to follow them; Spike too. "Good job, kid," Spike told Adric. "Looks like that blowup of yours the other day [http://www.enteract.com/~detroyes/teotp/fiction/frhope.html] got some notice." "Guess so," said Adric. "How'd that speech of Xander's go again, dja know?" Spike asked. "At the end of the Dracula episode?" He knew damn well Adric had it memorized. "'You know what? I'm sick of this crap! I'm sick of being the guy who eats insects and gets the funny syphilis. As of this moment, it's over. I'm finished being everybody's butt monkey!'" "And the next season he's engaged." "And leaves an ex-vengeance demon at the altar," Adric said. "Not for me!" "Better hope the shades and the ponytail aren't listening then," Spike smirked. Doctor Six led Peri, Adric and Spike to the security desk in the lobby of the HardSoft Corporation. "Excuse me," he said to the blazered security cop behind the desk, "which way to Harlan Brown's office?" "You can't just walk in and see Harlan Brown," the cop objected. Doctor Six patted his cheek. "If you don't know, just say so." He led the others to the elevator banks. "Isn't he going to stop us?" Spike wondered as they boarded an elevator. "The Force can influence the weak-minded," explained Doctor Six. "Depends on the needs of the story," Adric expanded to Spike. Doctor Six pressed the button for the penthouse. On an LED display a meddage popped up. "He thinks we can't get to the penthouse, because it takes a password," Peri realized. "That keypad looks just like the one where Azmael locked you two up in 'Twin Dilemma'," Adric observed. "It does," said Doctor Six. Instead of concentrating on the pad, he opened up a panel next to it in the wall. "Which means Harlan Brown knows DOCTOR WHO as well as we do." "Better, probably, the bloody mouse wanker," offered Spike. "What colorful language you have, Gramma," Peri said to him. "The reason I'm here isn't because the author likes the way I fill out a t-shirt, cupcakes." "No, that's why you're in 'Clash Fiction', which is the only reason you're here." "'Gramma'?" said Adric. "Is there an aspect of this quest for Peri's ancestry that I've missed?" "There's this Earth fairy tale -" Peri started, but was interrupted when the elevator started. "Piece of cupcake!" said Doctor Six, closing the panel. Then the congenital humanoid tendency to fall silent in elevators took over. As usual for hims Doctor Six sped out of the elevator as soon as the doors were barely open on the penthouse level. Peri and Adric, accustomed to this, kept pace but Spike didn't catch up to them all till they got to the reception desk, a sort of bi-level affair like some bank teller lines. "We're here to see Mr. Brown," said Doctor Six. The reception didn't look up from her nails. "Who shall I say is calling?" Doctor Six slapped Peri on her rear so that she was in the lead of the small group. "His daughter," she stammered. The receptionist looked up at her, looked at something blocked from the others' view by the partition on the front of the desk, and waved them on. "Go on in." "What does she have on the desk?" Peri hissed as they moved toward the double doors. "Photograph?" Doctor Six speculated. But now they were through the doors and into the office. The chair behind the desk was turned toward the bay window behind it, any occupant gazing out over the skyline of this here-unidentified major metropolis. From the cavernous size and opulent trappings of the room, one could have expected the occupant to be J. Montgomery Burns. The carpet swallowed the sounds of their footsteps as they approached a desk about fifty times too big for the PC that was all there was atop it. When they arrived at it they stood silently for some moments unacklnowledged until finally Peri squeaked, "Daddy?" The chair spun slowly around to reveal - "The Valeyard!" Doctor Six sputtered. "What have you done with Harlan Brown?" "My dear Doctor, I *am* Harlan Brown," asserted the Valeyard, leaning back in his throne. "You can't be!" said Peri, horrified. "Certainly I can. I went back in time; I wooed, married, impregnated and left that horrible woman; and I used my advanced science to create this corporation to entertain myself till you tracked me down. It's less implausible than that Space Uther sowed his wild oats with that stick-in-the-mud." "He's got us there," Adric admitted. "All right, what's the joke?" Doctor Six snapped. "No joke," said the Valeyard. "I've told you lot, I'm done being a funny villian. Unlike some," he added pointedly to Spike. Spike grinned ferally. "You tried to violate any Slayers in their bathrooms lately? Oh, and by the way, mate, black is not your color." "Then what's your point?" Doctor Six demanded of the Valeyard. "Think about it," the Valeyard smugged. "Who am I, *really*?" "Well -" Doctor Six began. "Oh, ick!" Peri cried, cringing away from both of them, knocking Adric into Spike. "Eww!" "She knows," said the Valeyard. "Ick! Eww!" Peri screamed. "Peri, what's the matter?" Doctor Six tried to take her by the shoulders, but Peri broke for the office doors. "My husband is my father!" NEXT: I SING THE BODY ELECTRA Summary for archivist: Humor, TTR, Peri arc Doctor Six, Peri; Adric, Spike; special surprise returning villain