This Time Round / Look Who's Talking Storytime with the Master: Sequelitis by V. Jewitt (With apologies to Douglas B. Killings, who's already *done* Cinderella. But not the bloodthirsty Grimm version with the birds...) (or Simm's Grimm Cinderella) (or - if it weren't blatant theft from Lauren Child - 'Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Book?') In which the newest Master gets addicted to story time at the creche... (But not as funny as the last time). ********** The Master was contemplating choice of story as he made his by now usual trip to the creche. Luckily, Izzy seemed too busy to have worked out who her new regular storyteller was - or didn't mind, as long as he kept those children quiet for half an hour or so. The initial rush of sequels had gone down well: The Seven Dwarfs go Shopping (aka Grumpy Gets Arrested at the Checkout) The Seven Dwarfs in an Even Worse Mining Disaster The Seven Dwarfs go on Holiday (aka Dopey Goes Overboard) The Seven Dwarfs Visit the Hospital (aka Happy has a Very Bad Day) The Seven Dwarfs Visit the Dentist The Seven Dwarfs go to the Zoo (aka Sleepy in the Lion's Cage) And even 'The Seven Dwarfs Do Their Own Housework' (otherwise known as 'Terror of the Dust Monster') had its charms - not the least being the opportunity to humiliate and harm Seven Doctors in their most hated roles at every turn - but the Master had a feeling that there was a point at which even a popular series ought to stop and he was contemplating violent fairy tales again. The most obvious that came to his mind was 'Cinderella'. The Grimm version, obviously. When he told the children, most of them started to look bored. Adric glared. "We've *had* that one!" Benny nodded. "Liked that story. Yours is prob'ly *silly*!" The Master smiled at them all. "Ah, but did it have that pesky Fairy Godmother in it instead of a lot of birds and people chopping bits off their feet?" He had their wide-eyed interest again. The Master knew better than to believe people who thought children liked nice, *safe* stories... He opened the fairy tale book. It was, he had noted, a very adaptable tome. His Dwarf stories had rapidly squeezed themselves in at the end of Snow White and now he saw the very version of Cinderella he was after. He glanced at the cover, but warnings were as much an enticement to the Master as to the children sitting around his feet. Some of whom were getting much too close... The Master kicked at little Ten. "Stop playing with my shoelaces, Doctor. Susan, you can *let go* of my leg. And no, Peri, my shoes don't need your grubby hands to polish them." Peri burst into tears instantly, which caused little Six to scowl at the storyteller. "Nice expression," commented the Master. "Suits you. Stick with it and we'll see if your face really does get fixed like that if the wind changes." Mel had a hand up. "I've got shoes!" That was the signal for everyone to start. "I've got *red* shoes!" "I can do my laces up!" "I've got a hamster -." "I've got a dinosaur with shoes!" The Master ignored them and began the story. ************** NARRATOR (The Master) Once upon a time, there was a girl called Ella. Her mother had died when she was just a baby - [Looking a little surprised to be here, ROMANA II enters in a long dress and immediately collapses on the floor with a squeak.] NARRATOR Her father, deciding that his little child needed a mother, married again, to a woman with two daughters of her own. [The FOURTH DOCTOR wanders on and looks at ROMANA's dead body] FATHER / FOUR Hmm, dead wife. That's a shame. Better go and get another! [He returns dragging ROMANA I with him] FATHER Here she is. I'm sure she'll make a splendid mother, while I go and die quietly off-screen. Cheerio! [He leaves at a pace] ROMANA I / STEPMOTHER Wait a minute! I never said I would marry you, I don't have two ugly daughters of my own, I'm not evil and shouldn't *I* be the first wife? NARRATOR The *Evil Stepmother* lost no time in bullying Cinderella, who had to do all the housework and had no friends but the birds she never forgot to feed. ROMANA I suppose if one must, one must. Cinderella, mend my dress! [Aside] How old is she at this point? Can she handle a needle? NARRATOR Just get out of the way. I need to introduce our annoying and feeble heroine. [ROMANA I obliges swiftly] * NARRATOR Cinderella was sitting all alone in her cellar - ROSE [sitting on an old wooden box and dressed in rags] I'm Cinders? Really? I've never been in one of these before. NARRATOR Yes, but what is he doing here? [MICKEY is also sitting in the cellar with CINDERS] ROSE / CINDERS Um, he must be Buttons. Buttons, yeah, that'd be it. MICKEY Great. Buttons. That's me. NARRATOR I know you lot never take this seriously, but this is NOT a panto and there is no Buttons. *********** The Master snaps the book shut and shrugs at the children. "Let's try it again." *********** NARRATOR So, Cinders was sitting all *alone* in her - SARAH [pointing at HARRY] I'm not alone. Is this one of those story things? HARRY Is that what happened? One minute I'm bringing the Doctor a celebratory ginger beer - something about getting rid of two wives in one evening - and then we're here. NARRATOR This is the Grimm Cinderella and he's not supposed to be here. SARAH But he's obviously Buttons. [Hides a laugh] HARRY Am I? I say, that explains the outfit. ***************** The Master closes the book carefully this time, takes a deep breath and tries again. Nyssa and Tegan, sitting close together, have started fidgeting and they aren't the only ones. ********************** NARRATOR So, Cinderella - so called because she was forced to sleep among the cinders for warmth - was sitting alone, all by herself, one her lonesome ownsome in her cellar. POLLY / CINDERS Oh no! I finally get out of the Round and I've got to do all the housework! NARRATOR I give up. What is he doing here? BEN Is he talking about me? Why shouldn't I be here? POLLY Don't you see? It's the story! I'm Cinderella and Ben is Buttons. BEN Buttons? Bloomin' 'eck. Do I have to? Sit here like a chump and let Polly run off with some posh bloke? NARRATOR He isn't in this version! POLLY [thinking it over carefully] He might not be mentioned, but that doesn't mean he isn't here. NARRATOR So I'm beginning to see. Oh, well, let's get on with it. Cinderella remembered that she had forgotten to go and feed the birds. POLLY / CINDERS Oh, dear, I haven't given those poor birds their stale breadcrumbs. The poor things will be starving. BEN / BUTTONS Just leave it, this once. They're only a lot of feathered pests. POLLY Oh, no, I can't. [She runs out with a bowl and throws breadcrumbs off stage] NARRATOR Just then she heard her sisters calling... [To himself] I try my best, but what do I have to work with? If there's any cross-dressing in this, I'm going to complain... [JAMIE and ZOE arrive, Zoe in a dress and Jamie in his usual kilt and shirt.] NARRATOR [to the book] You're being difficult today, aren't you? Neither of them is particularly ugly and one of them isn't even female! ZOE [brightly] Perhaps it's because Jamie always wears a skirt? JAMIE SKIRT? Are you talking about my kilt? All right, that does it, come here, you wee -. STEPMOTHER / ROMANA I [marching in] Gertrude; Griselda! Girls, are you arguing again? [Pauses a moment to take in Jamie] Are you a boy or a girl? JAMIE What's the matter with everyone? I'm no girl! NARRATOR You are now. You're Griselda. JAMIE / GRISELDA Has everyone gone mad? Zoe, tell them I'm not a girl. ZOE / GERTRUDE I'm afraid I couldn't possibly ruin the story. ROMANA / STEPMOTHER Never mind the identity crisis. Come here and look at this invitation from the palace! JAMIE What does it say? ZOE [jumping up and down] Oh, how exciting. There's a going to be a ball. They've invited all the eligible girls in the land so the prince can choose a bride. ROMANA And I've decided it will be one of you two. We don't have very much money. If one of you marries the prince, we can have as many outfits as we like and hundreds of servants, instead of that useless Cinderella. Oh, and whatever his name is. JAMIE It had better not be me. [Spotting ROMANA's glare and manages to take the hint] Ah, that is - I hope he chooses me! Aye, yes! [Nods fervently] ZOE / GERTRUDE He would never look at someone with legs as hairy as you. Once he sees how clever I am, he will be certain to marry me. ************ Tegan tugged at the Master's trouser leg. "Why's it all gone black an' white?" she asked loudly. He stared back at her. "Has it?" ************** NARRATOR Can we leave the monochrome behind us, everyone? [There is a brief fluster of activity; too many characters to be named with paintbrushes, rushing in and doing their best to brighten up the story and the backdrops] NARRATOR That's better. After all, we want all the blood at the end to be red. Where were we? Ah, yes, the King and Queen had been discussing their only son and heir... [IAN and BARBARA are sitting on thrones in a now colourful palace] IAN / KING Well, what do you think we should do about our son? It is about time he settled down. After all, if anything happened to him, we'd have no heir to the throne. QUEEN / BARBARA Yes, I see what you mean. But he never seems to find anyone he likes at our state dances and I wouldn't want him to be unhappy. KING Of course not, my dear. Perhaps we should summon our advisor and see what he thinks? [The PALACE ADVISOR comes hurrying in after he's called for] PALACE ADVISOR / FIRST DOCTOR [surveying his companions] So who made you king and queen, hmm? You're looking very regal, if I do say so myself! [Chuckles to himself] Now what can I do for you? NARRATOR I never said *anything* about a palace advisor. I really shouldn't have risked this story, should I? Well, get on with it if you must! PALACE ADVISOR If you'll take the advice of a humble servant of the crown, perhaps a ball might be in order? BARBARA [after stifling her laughter at the Doctor's performance] It's always the same people and he gets so bored of the whole thing. Of course, I shouldn't say so, but I can't entirely blame him. ADVISOR What if you were to invite every eligible girl in the kingdom? He'd have to be a very choosy young man not to find somebody suitable there, wouldn't he now? IAN / KING [coughing] I'd say so! QUEEN / BARBARA [thoughtfully] I've wondered if there already is someone he likes; he's so awkward about it all. NARRATOR Stop improvising. * NARRATOR Anyway, the invitations were sent out to every eligible girl in the kingdom, causing great excitement at the home of Cinderella, as we have seen... GERTRUDE / ZOE Look, Mama, there's an invitation here for Cinderella as well. How funny! STEPMOTHER Cinderella! Cinderella! COME HERE! [CINDERS comes running with BUTTONS a few steps behind her] CINDERELLA / POLLY [trying to sound cheerful] What do you want now, Mother? STEPMOTHER We've had an invitation for you to join us at the prince's ball. CINDERS Oh, a party! Please say I can go! STEPMOTHER [laughing at her] No. NARRATOR Look, can you put a bit of effort into being evil? STEPMOTHER / ROMANA But I'm not evil. Why should I be evil? JAMIE Why should I be a girl? ZOE And I'm not ugly, am I? NARRATOR Look, don't try to tell me you don't know *this* story. Get on with it! JAMIE What story? Are we in a story? ZOE [to a puzzled JAMIE] Shh, I'll explain everything later. Just be mean to Polly and pretend to be a girl. JAMIE [in a loud whisper] I get it! Is this some clever plan of the Doctor's? ZOE [losing the will to go on] Something like that... STEPMOTHER / ROMANA [bored] Cinderella, you don't imagine for one moment, that this invitation is anything other than a mistake, do you? You have no suitable clothes to wear and I'm not about to be shown up by a stepdaughter in rags, nothing more than a *servant*! CINDERS / POLLY I can make my own clothes! I promise I wouldn't show you up, if you will only let me go to the party. BUTTONS Yeah, let her go and stop being mean to her, you 'orrible lot. STEPMOTHER No. That is final, Cinderella, so don't speak to me about it again. Now, I want you to sew us some wonderful dresses instead. When the prince marries Gertrude or Griselda - BUTTONS / BEN [under his breath] He'd get a bit of shock if he married Griselda here... STEPMOTHER - We won't forget you. Now, go! * NARRATOR Later, after all that hard work, Cinderella cried alone in her cellar. Another feeble heroine. What do Earth people see in these stories? CINDERS Oh, Be-Buttons, I do so want to go to that party! NARRATOR [annoyed] I did say alone, didn't I? You're all supposed to do what I say! BUTTONS I'm just popping in to cheer her up. Look, P - Cinders, you don't want to go to a daft party, trying to impress some stuck up prince. CINDERS [crying] But I do! I love parties! BUTTONS When they're out, we'll have a party down here by ourselves. We could invite those feathered friends of yours. I can't go to the ball, but am I snivelling? CINDERS [drying her eyes immediately] Ben! I mean, Buttons! I'm not snivelling. I'm just so tired and I would *love* to wear a big dress and go to a ball just this once. * NARRATOR Meanwhile, back at the palace, the King and Queen have a little chat with their son about his future and prospects. KING / IAN Anyone know who our 'son' is? [Notices NARRATOR's cough] Oh, are we back on again? BARBARA Ian, don't think me very foolish, but do I really look old enough to have such a grown up son? IAN Do I? BARBARA [laughing] No, of course not. I shouldn't have taken this personally. PRINCE [outside the door] Can I come in? [STEVEN strides in] KING [after a pause, hiding irritation that STEVEN is supposed to be his son] What's this about you refusing to come to the ball? STEVEN / PRINCE I had other plans for that evening. [Tugging at his tunic] These costumes are uncomfortable, aren't they? IAN / KING Yes! BARBARA Now, listen, dear. We don't want to make you unhappy, but you have a responsibility to the kingdom to find someone to marry at this ball. STEVEN I've got to dance with *every girl in the land*? How *long* is this ball going to take? [At this CINDERS pokes her head round the scenery.] CINDERS Three nights! I get a different dress for each one. NARRATOR No! Not the three nights version. I'm telling this story and these toddlers wouldn't stand it if we had to wait that long until we got to the bloodthirsty bits. And get off stage when you're not in it. You characters are nothing but trouble! [CINDERS retreats, pouting to no avail] STEVEN I suppose it could be interesting. All right then. But I'm only marrying someone if I really like them. KING and QUEEN Of course. * NARRATOR And so on the day of the ball - the one and only day of the ball - Cinderella had to help her sisters get into their dresses. Not as easy a task as you might think. JAMIE [running away from ZOE, ROMANA, POLLY and BEN] I am not wearing a dress! Look at all the frills on it - and it's pink. I'd look a right idiot in that! ZOE [with hands on hips] No change there then. ROMANA / STEPMOTHER I was led to believe that you wanted to go to the ball and marry the prince. JAMIE / GRISELDA [looking round for sanity from someone and finding none] But you can't mean to make me wear -. [Through gritted teeth] Aye. I do. Pass me yon pretty dress and I'll try it on. Pink's my favourite colour. GERTRUDE It doesn't look half as well on you as mine does on me. JAMIE Well, what d'you expect? I mean, um, I'm far more beautiful than you and don't you forget it, my girl! BUTTONS You look stunning, Griselda. The prince is bound to be after you. STEPMOTHER / ROMANA [stepping out from behind the dressing screen in an outfit far more outrageous and gorgeous than either of her daughters'. In white, of course.] Cinderella, I'm not sure about the stitching at the back. Come here, you lazy girl and sort it out! [To the NARRATOR] How am I doing with the evil thing? NARRATOR You're improving, but much as I hate to say it, Mel was better than you. ROMANA / STEPMOTHER [her expression hardening] Right, step to it you ungrateful brat and clean the entire house before we leave! Go! NOW! * NARRATOR They left for the ball, leaving an exhausted Cinderella, alone in her cellar once more. And probably in tears again. You know, Snow White had more get up and go than this one... CINDERELLA [sobbing] Oh, Be- Buttons, it's not fair! I'm so tired and I look a mess and I can't go the ball! NARRATOR I said alone, but then I'm only the one telling this story. Why not just ignore me? BUTTONS Look, don't cry, Pol - Cinders. I said we'd have some fun. Let's invite those precious birds of yours in - [BUTTONS opens the door and a flock of birds fly in, twittering loudly. They're a bit of mix, being pretty much any bird caught on camera or mentioned in a book during the whole run of Doctor Who. There seem to be a lot of chickens. They are carrying a gold and silver dress with them.] BUTTONS So no transport in this version? CINDERS Look at the dress! That's amazing! [She runs off to put it on] BUTTONS [shooing the birds out again glumly] Interfering chickens. You do know that's the end of my chances, don't you? NARRATOR Considering you're not supposed to be here, I don't think you're doing too badly. And chickens! It's supposed to be doves and pigeons, up some precious tree of hers, but considering we've got chickens, we'll forget the tree. CINDERS [returning in her new gold and silver ball gown] How do I look? BUTTONS [gaping and lost for words] Um, not bad. CINDERS Now I'd better run for it. Really, if I'm not in the version with the fairy godmother and the pumpkin, I should have three chances to go to the ball! NARRATOR Don't push your luck. I'm telling this nauseatingly sentimental story for one reason and one reason only. * NARRATOR Cinderella arrived at the ball. She looked so beautiful in her dress that even her ugly sisters and stepmother didn't recognise her. And once the prince saw her - [The PRINCE is staring vacantly out of the nearest window] NARRATOR [irritated] I said *once the prince saw her*! PRINCE / STEVEN Oh. Okay, who's that girl? Must have a dance with her! [He runs off to be introduced] QUEEN [to the king] Look, he's found someone nice. KING Well, thank heaven for that. PRINCE [dancing with CINDERS] Won't you tell me who you are? [She shakes her head] Some foreign princess? [CINDERS only smiles mysteriously] NARRATOR The Stepmother and sisters were not too pleased about this development. ZOE / GERTRUDE Oh no! I'm sure he was going to dance with me next and now he won't leave that silly girl! GRISELDA / JAMIE You can think yourself lucky he didn't. I had to and he kept glaring at me. GERTRUDE That was probably because you stepped on his feet in those clumpy boots of yours. You should be wearing slippers! JAMIE Look, it's bad enough wearing this pink frock without silly shoes as well. I've got to draw the line somewhere! STEPMOTHER Drat! I'm going to be stuck with you two at home forever! ZOE / GERTRUDE [cheerfully] Oh, the prince isn't the only fish in the sea. GRISELDA Don't worry. After this, I'm leaving home, I promise you! NARRATOR At midnight, Cinderella decides to slip away before the prince can follow her home and see that she's only a servant. However, she loses a shoe and has to hobble all the way home over the cobbles. CINDERS Well, it's not the first time... Hello, Buttons. Are you still up? BUTTONS Just making sure you got home safely. How was it? CINDERS Well, it was a bit hot and that Prince Steven insisted I kept dancing when I really wanted some supper and - NARRATOR Ahem, ahem! CINDERS I mean, it was wonderful, Ben - NARRATOR *Buttons*. Who shouldn't be here. CINDERS [beginning to sound cross] It was wonderful, Buttons. And the prince danced with nobody else and of course he was handsome. And I love this dress! BUTTONS [flatly] Great. I'm so pleased for you. CINDERS I'd better get changed and hide this outfit or I'll be in trouble... * NARRATOR Back at the palace, the King and Queen had another little talk with their son about his future. KING So? Who are you going to marry? QUEEN Shouldn't that be 'whom'? KING It might be, but that isn't the point. PRINCE [carrying the dainty glass slipper with him] I'm only marrying the girl who fits this shoe! QUEEN That's fine, dear, but where is she? PRINCE I haven't got the slightest clue. She ran off and this was all she left behind her. KING [laughing] What are you going to do? Get every girl in the country to try it on? PRINCE Well, yes, actually... ************** "It isn't very violent," Benny told the Master. "The other one was more 'citing than this! I liked that one." The Master smiled insincerely back at her. "So you told me. And will you all keep back? No more playing with my shoes, my laces, my trousers or anything else, or that'll be the end of the story!" Peri and Susan started to whimper. "We'll get to the violent bit soon," the Master promised. Little Victoria looked more worried than ever. "But I don't like scary stories," she whispered to Jamie. "Oh, I'll look after you," he promised and then crawled forward to join little Two and Ben heedlessly. ************ NARRATOR The next morning, the stepmother and her ugly daughters could talk of nothing but the mysterious princess. And that was even before they heard about the newest proclamation from the palace. CINDERS [taking armfuls of fancy clothing to be mended and washed] How was the party? STEPMOTHER Don't stand there talking, girl! Get on and do your work. GERTRUDE / ZOE It was good fun. I danced with lots of people. [Everyone glares at her] GERTRUDE But the prince wouldn't look at either of us. He was obsessed with this strange girl who came in late. JAMIE / GRISELDA You know, she looked a lot like you, Poll - Cinders... STEPMOTHER [interrupting hastily] What, that princess look like our ragged Cinders? Don't be ridiculous, Griselda! GRISELDA But it was her, wasn't it? Why am I not supposed to say that? BUTTONS / BEN Oh, come off it, Jamie, everyone knows the story of Cinderella! GRISELDA / JAMIE Oh, aye. Cinderella. [To ZOE] Who's Cinderella? ZOE / GERTRUDE Oh *Jamie*! Look, just copy me and you'll be all right. NARRATOR [before the plot gets entirely lost and he never reaches the interesting bit] Soon, it is the turn of the Stepmother's household to try on the shoe. Everyone but Cinderella is very excited. [CINDERS is hiding in the cellar again] BUTTONS [poking his head through the door] Why don't you put the dress on and go up there? He'll recognise you, shoe or no shoe and that'll be an end of it. CINDERS He won't want to marry a servant. BUTTONS Well, apparently he's pretty determined to marry you. Any man who wanders round the whole kingdom getting hysterical women to try on a flimsy shoe has got to be mad about you. Or else just plain mad, of course. CINDERS They'd never let me. Besides - [Both look upstairs as screams of excitement float down towards them.] BUTTONS I think they're here, so don't be silly. Go get your dress and the other shoe! CINDERS But - * NARRATOR Upstairs, it's Griselda's turn to try on the shoe. JAMIE / GRISELDA [relieved and getting ready to put his boot back on] Well, look at that. It doesn't fit. Here, Zoe, you try. ZOE / GERTRUDE [hissing] Gertrude! JAMIE What? Who's Gertrude? I'm Griselda! I mean, I am Griselda, aren't I? [ZOE shakes her head.] * NARRATOR Once the stepmother saw that the shoe was too small for her daughter Griselda, she took him - I mean *her* - to one side and cut off his toes so that the shoe would fit. GRISELDA [leaping back at least a metre] WHAT!!!!!? STEPMOTHER What? Did you say I cut off his toes? NARRATOR That's what happens. Now get on with it. [The STEPMOTHER, ZOE and JAMIE have a quick consultation. GRISELDA / JAMIE slips the shoe onto the front of his foot while ROMANA squirts tomato sauce into the glass slipper] JAMIE [less than enthusiastic] Will you look at that? It fits like a glove. NARRATOR Certainly more like a glove than a shoe... The prince had agreed to marry the girl whose foot fit the shoe, so he began the journey back to the palace with Griselda. PRINCE [horrified] But he - I mean she - looks *nothing* like - NARRATOR Will you lot stop arguing and just do it? PRINCE [getting down on one knee with huge reluctance] Griselda, will you marry me? GRISELDA [looking to ZOE for advice] Aye. I think so. Is that the end? NARRATOR No, you imbecile. * NARRATOR However, on the way back, the birds flew past, crying at the prince to look at Griselda's shoe, where the blood was trickling out. [The unlikely flock of birds reappears, with the chickens pecking at GRISELDA's shoe.] JAMIE / GRISELDA I think they like tomato sauce... Get off! PRINCE You've cut your toes off! You're an impostor. And probably some insane sadist and cross dresser by the looks of things. GRISELDA I'm not. Look, I didn't ask to be in this. Call me names again and I'll punch you, your highness! * NARRATOR The Prince returned to the house and allowed Gertrude to try on the shoe. Again it was too small and this time the stepmother cut off her heel. ZOE / GERTRUDE It's actually too *big*, but never mind. Where's the tomato sauce? NARRATOR Again, the prince set off with his prospective bride - PRINCE Look, I'm not this stupid. She's much shorter than the girl I danced with and her hair's the wrong length - NARRATOR Any more of this arguing and we'll have a large earthquake and put an end to all of you! Again, the birds called out to the prince to notice that her feet were bleeding and they all returned to the house. * PRINCE This is the last house I've come to. The girl has got to be here, so come on, cough up. STEPMOTHER [with fake laugh] Oh, there's only one other female here, your highness, and she's merely a dirty little serving maid. You won't be interested in *her*. [Stares up to address the invisible NARRATOR] And by the way, can you tell that fugitive husband of mine, that I've found a copy of the story and he doesn't die. He's not a great deal of use, true, but there's no excuse for him, dragging me into this and then pretending to die. NARRATOR It's too late to resurrect a useless father. Besides, I left the lentils out as well and nobody's complaining about that. [BUTTONS appears, dragging a reluctant CINDERS up the steps. A chicken follows with a 'SAVE THE LENTILS' sign in its beak.] NARRATOR Very funny, I don't think. BUTTONS Here she is. Try on the shoe, Cinders! CINDERS Ugh, no. It's got tomato sauce all over it! And think how many people have had their feet in it. BUTTONS Oh, come on, Pol. We've all had enough of this. Put the shoe on and we can all go home! CINDERS Only if someone washes the sauce off it first. NARRATOR [getting irritated] Before the prince could tell them to stop wasting his time, the birds flew in with the dress and the other shoe for Cinderella. CINDERS [bending down to take the things from the chickens] Thank you, birdies. PRINCE Right. I've found you. Let's get back to the palace, get married and get out of here! CINDERELLA Gosh, how romantic. [Glances around but BUTTONS has gone]. Well, I suppose we should try for a happy ending. * NARRATOR So the prince took Cinderella back the palace. Some time later, the day of their wedding dawned and the kind Cinders had even remembered to invite her horrible stepfamily. [The scene is now a large church, filled with hundreds of faceless extras. CINDERS is at the top with the PRINCE, the KING and QUEEN and a PRIEST. The UGLY STEPSISTERS are bridesmaids and the EVIL STEPMOTHER is watching from nearby.] * PRIEST / SECOND DOCTOR Ooh, I love a happy ending. Now, Cinderella, are you sure you want to marry this prince? [Winks at her] NARRATOR I never said go into this much detail - CINDERS I object! PRIEST Oh, dear. BUTTONS [fighting his way out of the crowd] I object, too! PRIEST [to the PRINCE} What about you? PRINCE I object if she objects. Besides, is a shoe size any way to choose a bride? [An UNKNOWN GIRL walks up the aisle] VICKI / STRANGE GIRL I object as well! NARRATOR Oh, come off it. Nearly home and dry and you lot try to turn things into a romantic comedy! I know you're all objectionable, but get on with it! CINDERS [cross now] No! VICKI Hello, I'm Rapunzel - PRIEST Really? Where's all your hair? RAPUNZEL / VICKI I'm at the end of my story and it's been cut off. [To the PRINCE] I've been looking for you everywhere. Somebody told me you were wandering arounded blinded, with amnesia. Well, you look all right to me and I want to know what you've been up to! [Glares] [Before the startled PRINCE has chance to answer, DODO also runs out of the crowd] DODO / ROSE RED That can't be right! Me sister, Snow White - not *that* one - has been at home with me Mum crying for ages because he never came back and that bad tempered dwarf had us evicted. I said I'd come and find him and make him finish the story! And I want to know what his brother looks like. PRINCE / STEVEN What's going on? I don't have a brother! [To the KING and QUEEN] Unless you two have something you'd like to tell me? QUEEN / BARBARA [getting angry] Certainly not, Steven! Ian and I are not in the habit of abandoning children at some cottager's place, even if this is a fairy story. Now, just get on and marry whichever one of them you prefer! ROSE RED Well, that's a bit of a swizz. I'm supposed to marry your brother. If you don't have one, what am I supposed to do? Marry the evil dwarf? PRINCE If you want to, why not? ROSE RED I suppose next you'll be claiming you didn't worm your way into our cottage, disguised as a bear, telling us some sob story about being under a curse. PRINCE I didn't. Sounds an unlikely story, if you ask me. RAPUNZEL Well, I suppose it is possible that you *do* have amnesia. Maybe you just don't remember? PRINCE I think I might remember being a bear. CINDERS [slapping the PRINCE] Ooh! And you had the nerve to propose to me as well? Come on, Buttons - let's get out of here! [As BUTTONS and CINDERS race out of the church hand in hand, the NARRATOR suddenly finds he seems to be a part of the wedding crowd] ADVISOR / ONE Over here, young man! NARRATOR What's going on? I'm telling the story - I shouldn't be in it. ADVISOR [chuckling] Well, it's the end and everyone seems to be getting what they deserve. Look, the chickens have turned up on cue, although I don't think they'll have much luck pecking the stepsisters' eyes out. [NARRATOR looks and sees what he means, but JAMIE and ZOE are running for their lives anyway, presumably just to get out of the story] NARRATOR / MASTER But why am I here? ADVISOR [drawing himself up and eying the MASTER sternly] That young man, is because you've been taking advantage of the book! NARRATOR Well, I know it's in interesting sort of book, but I don't see - ADVISOR [sharply] All those dwarf stories! I suppose you thought they were amusing, hmm? NARRATOR They were. You didn't see your faces... ADVISOR You've been adding your own stories - putting ideas into the book's head. It's unruly enough at the best of times, but you've started it thinking it can move characters around, change stories without even being told - NARRATOR It was fun and I don't regret it. But how do I get out again? ADVISOR Finish the story! NARRATOR Since Buttons has just run off with the bride, that could be difficult. ADVISOR Dear me, you are a slow-witted young fellow, aren't you? The prince marries a princess and that's an end to it. And there are two here to choose from - wait, no - *four* here to choose from. [SLEEPING BEAUTY / KATARINA and ELIZA / SARA KINGDOM have also emerged out of the crowd, looking as annoyed as RAPUNZEL and ROSE RED. The QUEEN is giving the PRINCE a steely look.] QUEEN Perhaps, Steven, *you* would like to explain *this*? PRINCE [looking panicked] I can't! All right, I *did* nip off to see Rapunzel a couple of times, but this is ridiculous! ELIZA This man married me and then deserted me - left me to be burnt at the stake! If it hadn't been for my seven brothers [putting out the fire with the draft from their wings - KING Your brothers have *wings*? ELIZA My wicked stepmother turned them into swans. But it would be all right if the man I married hadn't run off and left me. I demand a divorce. PRINCE With pleasure. [To the PRIEST] Can you do those as well? [SLEEPING BEAUTY merely sobs] KING Now, son, you really must take responsibility for - PRINCE I said I *have* been wandering into Rapunzel's story. But the others must have confused me with somebody else! RAPUNZEL [folding her arms] That's what they all say. * ADVISOR [continuing to talk to THE MASTER] Yes, well, hmm. Where were we? Couldn't you tell that the book's been a little temperamental all day? You must have noticed that the Prince and Cinderella both seemed more interested in other people. Or are you too slow even for that? NARRATOR They're only made up characters. In fact, they're only useless Round's people pretending to be made up characters. ADVISOR Then the Prince's idea to try to the shoe on to find his bride wasn't just a clever ploy to avoid marrying the strange girl? How likely was he to find only *one* person who fitted that shoe? Poor Steven isn't terribly well-informed when it comes to fairy tales, it seems. And Cinderella was very reluctant to leave her cellar. Dear me, how foolish people can be! NARRATOR They're supposed to do what they're told. ADVISOR Hmm, yes indeed. But if you mess around with things and cause trouble, you had best put it right again. Now, hurry up and end the story before we have chaos in here and all the characters have swapped stories. You've already got the prince covering several stories at once - goodness knows where the rest of them have got to - NARRATOR But the story's never quite the same, so I don't see why I'm supposed to have -. Ha! You just don't want to be a dwarf again. ADVISOR Much as I hate being a dwarf and people calling me Doc, that has *nothing* to do with it. The facts are indsputable! It all depends on the storyteller. Everyone adapts the stories a little, but you've been adding extra adventures for the dwarfs. I told you, it's given the book ideas. You're not paying attention, young man! [The PRIEST comes over to join them] NARRATOR Go away! One Doctor is always more than infuriating enough. I don't need another. PRIEST I'd better marry Steven to somebody, hadn't I? It looks as though there's more book trouble here. I thought I'd left all that behind me. NARRATOR [with a deep breath and bad-temperedly taking the Doctor's advice] So the Prince married his princess - PRIEST Sleeping Beauty ADVISOR Snow White. NARRATOR - his Princess Rapunzel and they all lived happily ever after, aside from those birds catching up with the ugly stepsisters and *pecking their eyes out*, leaving them blind. [He's sure he can hear RAPUNZEL protesting, but it's drowned out by another sound, this time from outside the book] ******** Izzy had arrived and snatched the book from her guest. "I don't tell them that version! Now, look, you've made poor Victoria cry!" The Master rose with dignity. "The rest of them liked it." Ace nodded eagerly. "The evil stepmuvver chopped people's feets off." Izzy turned to the Master. "The evil stepmother did *what*? What sort of stories have you been telling these children?" "It was only the Grimm version - and it wasn't all bad," he found himself protesting. He didn't want to be banned from storytime when there was always the possibility of humiliating the Doctor(s) and his friends in future. "Cinderella married Buttons and lived happily ever after." She gave him a look. "I thought you were telling them the Grimm version. Buttons isn't in that!" "Try telling *him* that," muttered the Master. Izzy folded her arms. "I try not to encourage their violent tendancies!" "Really?" he said. "What a shame!" She took a deep breath. "So, Mr Saxon -." The Master smiled and shhed her. "You'll wake little First Doctor and none of us want that." He reached for the book. "Can I have that back?" Izzy gave in, but warily. He flicked through the pages, curious about something else now. If he'd kept to his original cast - There was a small illustration on the page, or there would be once everyone had got into position, racing to form a tableau as he glanced down at it. A worried Rose was about to marry a beaming Captain Jack. The Master closed it hastily, considering he'd had a narrow escape after all. What a Cinderella with Captain Jack in search of a partner would have been like, he didn't want to imagine. He tried again. The illustration now showed the ballroom with hundreds of dead bodies lying about. "How-? What-?" wondered the Master aloud and then shrugged and handed the book back to Izzy. "I won't do it again," he lied, looking as innocent as possible. She paused, on the brink of barring him from the creche, but the children had enjoyed the other stories and that book could be a liability in itself. Izzy wavered. She couldn't always be there to tell stories. And nobody else was queuing up for the job... "You'd better not!" she said and told him to go before it was bedtime. The Master smiled brightly and then left at a run. And after all, he reasoned, one or two dwarf stories here and there probably wouldn't cause any more trouble... * MORAL: Too many sequels inevitably leads to a cliched wedding crisis. Possibly. ***** This Time Round was created by Tyler Dion All characters are copyright of the BBC & BBC Wales.