Been having a lot of trouble getting my posts to go through, as AOL
has apparently suffered a nervous breakdown of some sort. Apologies
if this comes up multiple times.
SOME OTHER TIME ROUND: SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
"Ladies and gentlemen, Some Other Time Round, the darker and
more sinister pub outside continuity, is proud to present the 2003
Creative.Drwho.Alt Adric Awards! And now, your hostesses for
the evening, BKHeartless's Muses, Saia the White and Selkie the
As polite applause pattered around the room, the pub's already
dim lights faded out, leaving only the spotlights aimed at opposite
ends of the stage. It was only a moment before Selkie bounded
into view, the spot tracking her as she made her way to the podium,
laughing and blowing kisses to all and sundry.
The other spotlight stayed where it was, on the still-empty space
at the stage's other end.
Selkie had shed much of her normal spiked armor in honor of the
occasion; her scarlet hair flowed freely down her back, unconfined
by any helmet, while a light breastplate and some gauntlets were all
she wore over her tunic. Her barbed black sword was in its usual
place on her hip, however.
"Greetings, fellow denizens of creative.drwho.alt! I apologize for
the inconvenience, but my _dear_ colleague Saiassyn will not be
attending this evening, as she suffered an unfortunate accident on
the way over..." Here she winked and rattled her sword hilt. "But
never fear, for I will be able to conduct this ceremony just fine
without that little bi--, er, without my fellow Muse. So, let's get
At that moment, something flashed in the darkness behind her and
a long white blade lashed out, striking Selkie's head off and
sending it tumbling across the stage like a dripping football. Her
body collapsed across the podium, blood fountaining over the
stage and into the first two rows of the audience. Fortunately,
most of those seated in the front had brought along ponchos and
dropcloths in expectation of just such a predictable eventuality.
"As if the likes of _you_ could kill _me_," Saia spat as she strode
out onto the stage, her silver-white chainmail sparkling like pale
fire in the spotlight's glow. "Harlot of Darkness, did you think I'd
not see the tripwire you'd set, or the axe hanging from the ceiling?"
Her antagonist's head stopped rolling and lay glaring up at her from
a puddle of gore-spotted hair. "Right," the head snarled. "I'll get
you for this, you goody-goody slut! You haven't heard the last of
me! I'll..." Selkie's head was still mouthing vows of horrific
vengeance when the stagehands bustled out to collect her and run
a quick mop over the stage a few seconds later. "...up a yak's butt
sideways!" she finished as they carted her remains backstage in a
Saia, her slender form all but invisible under her gleaming chainmail
and curly locks bound up under her trademark winged helm, had
been patiently waiting out her foe's tirade; now she turned to the
audience, saluting them with her blood-streaked blade and giving
them her usual chilly smile of greeting. "Now that the trash has
been disposed of, let us begin with the presentation of the awards.
First up is the award for Best Drabble." She snapped her fingers
and a cowering stagehand scurried out to place the envelope in her
hand. She slit it open with one long, white-painted fingernail and
scanned over the sheet inside.
"The top five nominees for Best Drabble are:
"'Broken Things', by Gordon Deathster;
'Slowly in the Wind', by K. Michael Willcosh;
'The Hollywood Shuffle: Wes Craven's Black Orchid', by Douglas
'Zany Zoe and the Battening of Buzzards', by K. Michael Willcosh;
and 'Ducks and Drakes and Death', by Pall Andinuke."
She tore open the smaller envelope that had been enclosed and
read out, "And the winner is... the Drabble Overlord himself, Mr.
K. Michael Willcosh for 'Zany Zoe and the Battening of Buzzards'!
Come and collect your prize, Mr. Willcosh, while we have a look at
the winning entry..."
ZANY ZOE AND THE BATTENING OF BUZZARDS
"I do this because I love you, Mikey," sighed the catsuited one.
"You _know_ this, right?"
The bespectacled author strained against the ropes, but couldn't
budge them. "I suppose I do," he agreed, having decided that
humoring her would seem to be the best policy. "But, was it
absolutely necessary to stake me down to this anthill? Wouldn't,
say, a nice fluffy couch have worked just as well?"
"Don't question love, dear Mikey."
As the author lay back and squinted up into the desert sky at the
dark wings that circled ever-closer, he knew one thing for certain:
"And now, our next award will b--" Saia was cut off in mid-word by
the roar of a rocket motor. A split-second later, an antitank missile
exploded at her feet, demolishing the podium and leaving nothing
but her boots and a small drift of white wing-feathers on the stage.
But even before the shock of the blast had died away, stagehands
were already setting up fans to clear out the smoke and sweeping
up the debris and scattered Muse-bits.
Selkie pranced up onto the stage just as they were all clearing off,
head once again firmly attached and a LAW-66 rocket launcher
propped jauntily on her shoulder. A stagehand passed her the
envelope as she tossed the launcher away and took her place at
the pile of splinters that had been the podium.
"Our next award," she said, "will be for Best Round-Robin Chapter.
And the nominees are..." She ripped open the envelope and began
to read it.
"Net Adventure 26, 'Razing the Currents', Chapter 56, by Alden
Missing Net Adventure 19, 'Moral Bankruptcy', Chapter 11, by
Net Adventure 28, 'A Clockwork Mandrake', Chapter 7, by Richard
'Dark Carnivore', Chapter 1, by Joe Raid.
"And the winner is... Richard Predatorvac for 'A Clockwork
Mandrake', Chapter 7! Let's have a clip from our winner on-screen
while Mr. Predatorvac collects his golden Adric..."
"Would you like some tea, Luke?"
Would he like some tea? Would he like some tea? How could he
bring himself to say what they both must know? He thought of
promises broken so long ago, and promises broken a few minutes
ago, and the phone bill he'd forgotten to pay. Knowing this, how
could he possibly speak that which he didn't dare? Was there no
strength, no honor left within him? What was he to Gallifrey, or
Gallifrey to him? He was just a man. Just a plain, ordinary man.
An ordinary, run-of-the-mill bisexual kleptomaniac vegan Tantric
Buddhist dyslexic ambidextrous passive-aggressive anarcho-
syndicalist triskaidekaphobic consumptive exhibitionist former
cabaret chanteuse and zither enthusiast from New Zealand like any
other. What could he be thinking, he who couldn't even bring
himself to keep the wombat all those years ago? And now this?
And yet, there was still that stubborn spark inside, the part that
said, 'You are you and Luke is Luke and butter and axle grease
mixed half-and-half tastes the same as pure, unmixed axle grease'.
That voice spoke, and he listened, and wondered, and somehow
found the words within.
There, he'd said it. There was nothing to do now but await the
Sugar. Why did it always have to come back to the sugar?
A new podium had been brought out and set up by the time
Richard Predatorvac had accepted his Adric. Selkie gave it a
quick once-over for bombs or boobytraps, then, satisfied that
there were none, began the next presentation.
"Our next award will be for the category Best Comedy Fiction,
a personal favorite of mine. The nominees are..." She scanned
over the top of the podium, looking for the envelope and not
finding it. A cringeing stagehand dashed out and handed it to
her, then withdrew, sped on by a dainty kick from the annoyed
"As I was saying, the nom... in... ees..." She trailed off as a loud
rumbling filled the air, drowning her out and setting everything and
everyone in the pub a-shake. Her hand was creeping toward her
sword hilt when the pub doors crashed open, revealing the ugly
snout of an M16 Halftracked Antiaircraft Vehicle.
A familiar brown-tressed head popped up from behind the quad-
mounted .50-caliber machine guns. "Any last words?" Saia asked.
"Isn't that kind of... overkill, Saia?"
"I'll put that on your tombstone, then, Selkirembe. Goodbye."
The four guns chattered out a storm of tracers, chewing Selkie's
body to rags and hurling her backwards through the curtains, one
of which crashed down atop her. Harried stagehands, some with
minor wounds, swarmed over the wreckage, hustling it away out of
sight. Saia, meanwhile, dismounted from the halftrack and made her
way to the stage, dusting her hands and flashing that scary, frigid
smile at everyone. She'd not bothered with her armor when she'd
resurrected this time, opting instead for a simple white jumpsuit,
slit to allow her wings to stick out the back.
The stagehands bundled up the last of the wreckage, rolling up
Selkie's torn corpse in the curtain and dragging both offstage. As
they did so, one of the Black Muse's bloody, tattered hands fell
out. It twitched, then slowly formed itself into a fist. Before
anyone could stuff it back into the curtain, the middle finger
thrust out at Saia, who scowled in reply.
"Ahem. The nominees for Best Comedy Fiction are as follows..."
She took the blood-smeared envelope off the podium and read off:
"'Child's Play: Perils Before Swine', by Imran Insaneyat, a tale of
amusing toddlers and animal cruelty, set in Child's Play, the
juvenile detention center outside continuity.
"'Falconry', by Graham Woodenclub, in which Nyssa and Tegan
explore their feelings for one another by having sadomasochistic
sex while dove hunting.
"'Tenderized Mercies', by Paul Gottakillski, a part of his ongoing
'Rani Arc IX'. In this episode, the Rani's struggling marriage to all
the incarnations of Scaroth is challenged by the arrival of her old
flame, the Royal Navy.
"'DOA: Emasculinity', by BKHeartless, a five-part epic in the 'Dead
On Arrival' romantic-comedy series which details Adric's attempts
to make Nyssa into his concubine, while being opposed by the
mysterious Brother A.
"And 'Misery Psycho Theatre 666, Episode 42', by BKHeartless,
in which five people stranded in the back room of Some Other Time
Round must try and keep their sanity in the face of saccharine-
sweet fan fiction from that _other_ newsgroup, in this case, the
sickeningly cute-and-fluffy 'Dark Carnival'.
"And the winner is... 'DOA: Emasculinity', by BKHeartless! Roll
the clip, please."
Adric and his usual entourage were deep in conversation in their
accustomed booth .
"...and with the memory blocks and hypno-suggestions in place,
she'll be the perfectly obedient little servant. Won't you, dear?"
"Yes, darling," the girl who called herself Ashley Burns replied,
smiling and dewy-eyed. Adric stroked the redhead's cheek, then let
his hand drift further downwards.
"And that's the technique you're going to use on Nyssa?" Hel
Matear asked, her eyes glinting wickedly. "This was a practice
"Of sorts. I'd rather bend Nyssa to my will by the more
conventional methods, but this will be a good fallback. I had
revenge more on my mind in this case."
Jinnai looked rather repulsed. "But, doesn't it bother you that
she's actually a _man_, Adric?"
The Alzarian just laughed and gestured at Ashley's chest. "How
male do _those_ look, Katsuhiko? And besides, what better
revenge could I take on Brother A than to turn him, my greatest
enemy, into my personal plaything?"
"There's art there," Hel Matear agreed. "I like it!"
Adric grinned at them. "I like to think that somewhere down deep,
under all the conditioning, Brother A is still awake inside her. I
like to think that he's in there, gritting his teeth through it all
when I take her to bed."
"Any chance of me borrowing her?" Bud asked hopefully.
"Get your own slave girl, Bundy."
Saia, for once, felt moved to join in the audience's laughter.
Romantic comedy of that sort was her forte, after all. So she
chuckled along with everyone else, even as she spotted a hint
of strange movement in the lighting balcony. She loosened her
sword and gave her snowy wings a quick flap, then furled them
tightly against her back. She'd have to time this just _so_...
"Our next category is Best Dramatic Fiction, and the nominees--"
The White Muse suddenly drew her sword and ducked, raising the
blade over her head. A split-second later Selkie came swinging
past on a lighting cable, her own sword out. The barbed blade
swooped through the empty air where Saia's head had been, but
the Black Muse, unable to stop herself or change direction, swung
her body directly onto the point of Saia's sword, wrenching it out
of her hand.
Still clinging to the cable, Selkie swung back out over the audience,
the blade standing out between her bat-wings. "You're...
despicable," she groaned, then slid off the cable, crashing down
into a row full of minor characters from 'Sir Mordred in Time and
"--are," Saia went on, picking up exactly where she'd left off:
"'The Gates of Hell', by Cain Young, the tale of Magnum and
Warne's attempt to hire on as torture consultants in Hades.
"'The Invidious City', by Helland Fate, an epic tale set in her
mythic 'Books of Tamerlane' series.
"The Round-Robin 'Steppes of Unspeakable Terror', by Clive
Mayhem, Cain Young, BKHeartless, and Brad Fellupon, a
complex story of intrigue, adventure, and lots of disembowellings.
"'The Fighting Vicious Brutal Homicidal Dead Killers', by Jeri
Massacre, which features the Third Doctor, Liz Shaw, and a cast
of thousands, almost all of whom are hacked to bits by the third
"And 'Calliope's Trial Transcripts: Ellia', by Imran Insaneyat, a
short biographical sketch detailing the sordid past and
dysfunctional family life of Insaneyat's Muse, Ellia.
"And the winner is... 'The Fighting Vicious Brutal Homicidal Dead
Killers', by Jeri Massacre. Let's have a look at our winning entry."
Liz drew back from the concentrated hate in the man's voice, but
Ann Thumpsome remained outwardly unmoved. "Eat the candy
bar," she told the prisoner, "because it's going to be your last
"Wossat? You threatening me?" The thug seemed amused by the
very idea. "I know you're good, one o' the best, maybe, but we've
taken your techniques to a whole new level. I can take you."
The UNIT guard moved forward at the man's tone, but Liz waved
him back, anxious to see how Ann would deal with this.
"You've perverted my techniques," she said back evenly, "and that
is why you're not leaving this room alive."
"Now hold there, Miss Thumpsome," the guard started, but Ann
paid him no mind.
Leaning forward, she whispered across the table, "Your mother
wears combat boots."
The man was on his feet in an instant, surging across the table,
fists raised. But Ann was faster, striking him a single blow to the
breastbone. Then kicking him in the teeth. Then jabbing him with
a broken bottle. Then lifting the heavy interrogation table and
slamming it down on his head. Then nailing his thorax to the floor.
Then shooting him repeatedly with a gatling gun. And, finally,
dropping a sixteen-ton weight on him.
The guard rushed over, checking the man's pulse. "He's dead!
You killed him!"
Liz was still in shock, dazed by the suddenness of the attack and
the incredible speed and power of Ann's martial arts.
"Wasn't that marvellous, ladies and gentlemen?" Saia applauded
along with the audience, beginning to get a bit more into the spirit
of the evening. "A big hand for Miss Massacre. Now, I'd--"
But whatever it was she intended would remain forever a mystery,
as at that exact moment, a sixteen-ton weight crashed down on top
of her, crushing her straight through the floor and into the cellar.
"Hah!" laughed Selkie as she dropped down from the ceiling. "I
know martial arts, too!" She slid the podium over away from the
gaping hole as stagehands rushed out to tack plywood over it.
"Now, it's _my_ pleasure to present the award for Best Character.
The nominees are:
"Adric in the 'Doctor Who'/'X: 1999' fusion, 'Doctor X', by
The spotlights picked out Adric sitting alone, staring off into space
and mumbling to himself, a strange basket-hilted sword clenched in
his right hand. The song '1999', by Prince, began playing over the
pub's sound system.
"Belladonna in the Round-Robin 'Steppes of Unspeakable
Another spot focussed on a slight, pale girl in the back, a kittens-
and-cheese sandwich in her hand. She waved and flashed a fangy
smile as the music changed to Queen's 'Killer Queen'.
"Tegan in 'Falconry', by Graham Woodenclub..."
Now the spotlight found Tegan, draped carelessly across her chair
and done up in a tight latex number that seemed to be mostly straps
and buckles. A hooded falcon was perched on the back of her
chair, while Nyssa, half-naked and on a leash, sat at her feet. The
music changed to 'F**k You Like an Animal', by Nine Inch Nails.
"Ellia the Muse in Imran Insaneyat's meta-fiction..."
The spotlight went to a pretty brunette girl sitting with the authors.
She acknowledged neither the attention nor the applause, only
giving a tiny smile when her theme song, Madonna's 'Frozen',
began to play.
"And Franz the Ogron bartender from the 'Dead On Arrival' series."
The last spotlight shone down on the bar, where a gigantic Ogron
in an old German infantry uniform -- complete with spiked helmet --
was mixing up drinks. He grunted at the room in general and went
on about his business as the sound system switched to the
Ramones' 'Too Tough to Die'.
Selkie shooed the stagehands and carpenters away and ripped
open the envelope. "And the winner... Adric from 'Doctor X', by
The clip began to roll as people began trying to prod the still
catatonic-looking Alzarian toward the stage.
"You are the chick, Adric, and the world is the egg!"
"Um, okay Varsh. Whatever you say." Adric stared around at the
melting walls. Disturbing, perhaps, but easier to look at than his
brother, who hung crucified on a frame of remaindered copies of
_It Takes a Village_, with snakes crawling in and out of his eye
"Adric, are you paying attention? This is important stuff, here."
"Uh, sure. I'm all ears." One of the walls had melted all the way
through, revealing a star field beyond, countless galaxies swirling
into a patterned array that was spelling out lyrics from the Beatles'
"Well, look at me when I'm talking to you."
Adric did so, and regretted it, as flames were now shooting out
his brother's nose and his legs had turned to rose petals.
"Now, as I was saying, you are the chick, and the world is the egg.
It is yours to unmake or to preserve, by your choice. The time of
the Harbingers and Seals draws near. Do you understand?"
"Not at all."
"Good. Visions are _supposed_ to be cryptic, after all. Right, then,
I'll see you in tomorrow's hallucination." So saying, Varsh began to
"Uh, yeah. See you."
"Oh, by the way," Varsh added just before he disappeared. "If
anyone tries to cut your head off, I've left you a little prezzy in
your abdomen. Cheers!"
Abruptly, the real world returned. The melting attic room and the
swirling stars were all gone, replaced by the firmer, if more prosaic
reality of the street in front of Roger Delgado Public High School.
Adric breathed a long sigh of relief.
"Excuse me," a girl said from behind him.
He turned to see a beautiful brunette smiling at him, dressed in a
school uniform not unlike his own. She was quite stunning, with a
gorgeous smile and a well-formed body, but Adric's eyes were on
the ornate, jewelled sword in her hand.
"Hi," the girl said. "My name is Peri, and I'm a Harbinger. Are you
planning on helping to unmake the world?"
"Er, not really..."
"Oh. I'll have to cut your head off, then." She drew the sword
back. "No hard feelings, 'kay?"
Adric felt a sudden, crippling agony from his stomach. He doubled
over, gasping, only to see a sword oozing, hilt-first, out of his
It took a bit of doing to get Adric, who was still locked in a
hallucinatory argument with his dead brother, back into his seat.
Once this was accomplished, Selkie gave everyone a few moments
to get settled again before she went on.
"Now, for our final award, it's the one you've all been waiting for,
"Best Author Award!" Saia yelled as she ran down the aisle and
leaped onto the stage.
"Hey, stow it Goody-Two-Shoes!" Selkie yelled back. "I'm
presenting Best Author!"
Saia tackled her. "I am!"
"No, I am!"
The two Muses started wrestling for control of the last envelope,
biting, kicking, and tearing at each other's clothes. Back and forth
they rolled, neither gaining the advantage, until they finally
collapsed, breathless, Saia lying across Selkie's chest.
"You know," Selkie panted, "this actually feels kind of good..."
"Yes, it does," agreed Saia. "Shame you're still such a worthless
The two tried to fight a bit more, but were both too tired to do
"How 'bout a truce, then?" Saia said at last.
"Just for this evening?"
"Just for long enough to get the Adric presented."
Selkie considered this. "Okay. Deal. We present it together."
"Right. And then I kill you."
The two Muses stood up, straightening what was left of their
clothing, and stepped up to the podium together, each carefully
staying as far away as possible from the other without ceding
dominance of the microphone.
"Right," they said together. They stopped, glared at each other,
then went on, in chorus, "the nominees for Best Author of 2003 are:
"Jeri Massacre, author of some of the best, highest body-count
Third Doctor stories;
Igenlode Warpedsmith, a new contributor who has added
considerable gloom and terror to the Round-Robins;
Clive Mayhem, the master of nightmarish imagery and inventively
Paul Gottakillski, whose crossovers with 'Dark Shadows', 'Neon
Genesis Evangelion', and 'The Punisher' have been newsgroup
staples for years; and
Imran Insaneyat, wide-ranging author whose work often puts
particular focus on the many crimes and misdeeds of Otherside's
The two ragged Muses picked up the final envelope together and
ripped it open from the middle. "And the winner is..." Both Muses
suddenly stopped and boggled at the paper in their hands. Saia
looked at Selkie, who only shrugged helplessly. "The winner,"
they went on after a moment, "by write-in vote, is Charles 'J2raider'
Mental, who is not here at the moment, as he habitually boycotts
the Adric Awards every year."
"Go figure," said Selkie.
"Thank you all, and good night!" called Saia.
As everyone began to file off, muttering, to their various other
engagements, the two Muses turned to once again face each other.
"Now then," pondered the White Muse, "where were we?"
"Here," snarled Selkie, wrapping her hands around Saia's throat.
"Right you are," growled Saia, doing likewise to Selkie.
The two were still doggedly strangling each other as the lights
This was all meant with the greatest respect and affection for the
people and works that I poked fun at. No offense was intended,
in any way, shape, or form.
'Doctor Who' is property of the BBC.
This Time Round created by Tyler Dion.
Some Other Time Round concept created by K. Michael Wilcox, further
developed by Imran Inayat.
Zany Zoe concept by K. Michael Wilcox.
Hel Matear is from the anime series 'Cosmo Warrior Zero', property of
Katsuhiko Jinnai is from the anime series 'El Hazard', property of
Pioneer, among others.
Bud Bundy is from the TV series 'Married with Children', property of
Ellia is property of Imran Inayat.
The anime series 'X: 1999' is property of CLAMP Studios.
Regular Characters: Adric, Nyssa, Tegan Jovanka, Peri Brown, Liz
Shaw, Zoe Herriet, 8th Doctor, Luke Bramley
Categories: This Time Round (sort of); Humor
Synopsis: The darker and more sinister pub outside continuity
conducts their own awards ceremony.