Been having a lot of trouble getting my posts to go through, as AOL has apparently suffered a nervous breakdown of some sort. Apologies if this comes up multiple times. SOME OTHER TIME ROUND: SIGNIFICANT OTHERS by BKWillis "Ladies and gentlemen, Some Other Time Round, the darker and more sinister pub outside continuity, is proud to present the 2003 Creative.Drwho.Alt Adric Awards! And now, your hostesses for the evening, BKHeartless's Muses, Saia the White and Selkie the Black!" As polite applause pattered around the room, the pub's already dim lights faded out, leaving only the spotlights aimed at opposite ends of the stage. It was only a moment before Selkie bounded into view, the spot tracking her as she made her way to the podium, laughing and blowing kisses to all and sundry. The other spotlight stayed where it was, on the still-empty space at the stage's other end. Selkie had shed much of her normal spiked armor in honor of the occasion; her scarlet hair flowed freely down her back, unconfined by any helmet, while a light breastplate and some gauntlets were all she wore over her tunic. Her barbed black sword was in its usual place on her hip, however. "Greetings, fellow denizens of creative.drwho.alt! I apologize for the inconvenience, but my _dear_ colleague Saiassyn will not be attending this evening, as she suffered an unfortunate accident on the way over..." Here she winked and rattled her sword hilt. "But never fear, for I will be able to conduct this ceremony just fine without that little bi--, er, without my fellow Muse. So, let's get on with--" At that moment, something flashed in the darkness behind her and a long white blade lashed out, striking Selkie's head off and sending it tumbling across the stage like a dripping football. Her body collapsed across the podium, blood fountaining over the stage and into the first two rows of the audience. Fortunately, most of those seated in the front had brought along ponchos and dropcloths in expectation of just such a predictable eventuality. "As if the likes of _you_ could kill _me_," Saia spat as she strode out onto the stage, her silver-white chainmail sparkling like pale fire in the spotlight's glow. "Harlot of Darkness, did you think I'd not see the tripwire you'd set, or the axe hanging from the ceiling?" Her antagonist's head stopped rolling and lay glaring up at her from a puddle of gore-spotted hair. "Right," the head snarled. "I'll get you for this, you goody-goody slut! You haven't heard the last of me! I'll..." Selkie's head was still mouthing vows of horrific vengeance when the stagehands bustled out to collect her and run a quick mop over the stage a few seconds later. "...up a yak's butt sideways!" she finished as they carted her remains backstage in a plastic bin. Saia, her slender form all but invisible under her gleaming chainmail and curly locks bound up under her trademark winged helm, had been patiently waiting out her foe's tirade; now she turned to the audience, saluting them with her blood-streaked blade and giving them her usual chilly smile of greeting. "Now that the trash has been disposed of, let us begin with the presentation of the awards. First up is the award for Best Drabble." She snapped her fingers and a cowering stagehand scurried out to place the envelope in her hand. She slit it open with one long, white-painted fingernail and scanned over the sheet inside. "The top five nominees for Best Drabble are: "'Broken Things', by Gordon Deathster; 'Slowly in the Wind', by K. Michael Willcosh; 'The Hollywood Shuffle: Wes Craven's Black Orchid', by Douglas B. Kill'emall; 'Zany Zoe and the Battening of Buzzards', by K. Michael Willcosh; and 'Ducks and Drakes and Death', by Pall Andinuke." She tore open the smaller envelope that had been enclosed and read out, "And the winner is... the Drabble Overlord himself, Mr. K. Michael Willcosh for 'Zany Zoe and the Battening of Buzzards'! Come and collect your prize, Mr. Willcosh, while we have a look at the winning entry..." ---- ZANY ZOE AND THE BATTENING OF BUZZARDS "I do this because I love you, Mikey," sighed the catsuited one. "You _know_ this, right?" The bespectacled author strained against the ropes, but couldn't budge them. "I suppose I do," he agreed, having decided that humoring her would seem to be the best policy. "But, was it absolutely necessary to stake me down to this anthill? Wouldn't, say, a nice fluffy couch have worked just as well?" "Don't question love, dear Mikey." As the author lay back and squinted up into the desert sky at the dark wings that circled ever-closer, he knew one thing for certain: love hurts. ---- "And now, our next award will b--" Saia was cut off in mid-word by the roar of a rocket motor. A split-second later, an antitank missile exploded at her feet, demolishing the podium and leaving nothing but her boots and a small drift of white wing-feathers on the stage. But even before the shock of the blast had died away, stagehands were already setting up fans to clear out the smoke and sweeping up the debris and scattered Muse-bits. Selkie pranced up onto the stage just as they were all clearing off, head once again firmly attached and a LAW-66 rocket launcher propped jauntily on her shoulder. A stagehand passed her the envelope as she tossed the launcher away and took her place at the pile of splinters that had been the podium. "Our next award," she said, "will be for Best Round-Robin Chapter. And the nominees are..." She ripped open the envelope and began to read it. "Net Adventure 26, 'Razing the Currents', Chapter 56, by Alden Beast; Missing Net Adventure 19, 'Moral Bankruptcy', Chapter 11, by Cameron Madson; Net Adventure 28, 'A Clockwork Mandrake', Chapter 7, by Richard Predatorvac; and 'Dark Carnivore', Chapter 1, by Joe Raid. "And the winner is... Richard Predatorvac for 'A Clockwork Mandrake', Chapter 7! Let's have a clip from our winner on-screen while Mr. Predatorvac collects his golden Adric..." ---- "Would you like some tea, Luke?" Would he like some tea? Would he like some tea? How could he bring himself to say what they both must know? He thought of promises broken so long ago, and promises broken a few minutes ago, and the phone bill he'd forgotten to pay. Knowing this, how could he possibly speak that which he didn't dare? Was there no strength, no honor left within him? What was he to Gallifrey, or Gallifrey to him? He was just a man. Just a plain, ordinary man. An ordinary, run-of-the-mill bisexual kleptomaniac vegan Tantric Buddhist dyslexic ambidextrous passive-aggressive anarcho- syndicalist triskaidekaphobic consumptive exhibitionist former cabaret chanteuse and zither enthusiast from New Zealand like any other. What could he be thinking, he who couldn't even bring himself to keep the wombat all those years ago? And now this? And yet, there was still that stubborn spark inside, the part that said, 'You are you and Luke is Luke and butter and axle grease mixed half-and-half tastes the same as pure, unmixed axle grease'. That voice spoke, and he listened, and wondered, and somehow found the words within. "Yes, please." There, he'd said it. There was nothing to do now but await the inevitable. "Sugar?" Sugar. Why did it always have to come back to the sugar? ---- A new podium had been brought out and set up by the time Richard Predatorvac had accepted his Adric. Selkie gave it a quick once-over for bombs or boobytraps, then, satisfied that there were none, began the next presentation. "Our next award will be for the category Best Comedy Fiction, a personal favorite of mine. The nominees are..." She scanned over the top of the podium, looking for the envelope and not finding it. A cringeing stagehand dashed out and handed it to her, then withdrew, sped on by a dainty kick from the annoyed Black Muse. "As I was saying, the nom... in... ees..." She trailed off as a loud rumbling filled the air, drowning her out and setting everything and everyone in the pub a-shake. Her hand was creeping toward her sword hilt when the pub doors crashed open, revealing the ugly snout of an M16 Halftracked Antiaircraft Vehicle. A familiar brown-tressed head popped up from behind the quad- mounted .50-caliber machine guns. "Any last words?" Saia asked. "Isn't that kind of... overkill, Saia?" "I'll put that on your tombstone, then, Selkirembe. Goodbye." The four guns chattered out a storm of tracers, chewing Selkie's body to rags and hurling her backwards through the curtains, one of which crashed down atop her. Harried stagehands, some with minor wounds, swarmed over the wreckage, hustling it away out of sight. Saia, meanwhile, dismounted from the halftrack and made her way to the stage, dusting her hands and flashing that scary, frigid smile at everyone. She'd not bothered with her armor when she'd resurrected this time, opting instead for a simple white jumpsuit, slit to allow her wings to stick out the back. The stagehands bundled up the last of the wreckage, rolling up Selkie's torn corpse in the curtain and dragging both offstage. As they did so, one of the Black Muse's bloody, tattered hands fell out. It twitched, then slowly formed itself into a fist. Before anyone could stuff it back into the curtain, the middle finger thrust out at Saia, who scowled in reply. "Ahem. The nominees for Best Comedy Fiction are as follows..." She took the blood-smeared envelope off the podium and read off: "'Child's Play: Perils Before Swine', by Imran Insaneyat, a tale of amusing toddlers and animal cruelty, set in Child's Play, the juvenile detention center outside continuity. "'Falconry', by Graham Woodenclub, in which Nyssa and Tegan explore their feelings for one another by having sadomasochistic sex while dove hunting. "'Tenderized Mercies', by Paul Gottakillski, a part of his ongoing 'Rani Arc IX'. In this episode, the Rani's struggling marriage to all the incarnations of Scaroth is challenged by the arrival of her old flame, the Royal Navy. "'DOA: Emasculinity', by BKHeartless, a five-part epic in the 'Dead On Arrival' romantic-comedy series which details Adric's attempts to make Nyssa into his concubine, while being opposed by the mysterious Brother A. "And 'Misery Psycho Theatre 666, Episode 42', by BKHeartless, in which five people stranded in the back room of Some Other Time Round must try and keep their sanity in the face of saccharine- sweet fan fiction from that _other_ newsgroup, in this case, the sickeningly cute-and-fluffy 'Dark Carnival'. "And the winner is... 'DOA: Emasculinity', by BKHeartless! Roll the clip, please." ---- Adric and his usual entourage were deep in conversation in their accustomed booth . "...and with the memory blocks and hypno-suggestions in place, she'll be the perfectly obedient little servant. Won't you, dear?" "Yes, darling," the girl who called herself Ashley Burns replied, smiling and dewy-eyed. Adric stroked the redhead's cheek, then let his hand drift further downwards. "And that's the technique you're going to use on Nyssa?" Hel Matear asked, her eyes glinting wickedly. "This was a practice run?" "Of sorts. I'd rather bend Nyssa to my will by the more conventional methods, but this will be a good fallback. I had revenge more on my mind in this case." Jinnai looked rather repulsed. "But, doesn't it bother you that she's actually a _man_, Adric?" The Alzarian just laughed and gestured at Ashley's chest. "How male do _those_ look, Katsuhiko? And besides, what better revenge could I take on Brother A than to turn him, my greatest enemy, into my personal plaything?" "There's art there," Hel Matear agreed. "I like it!" Adric grinned at them. "I like to think that somewhere down deep, under all the conditioning, Brother A is still awake inside her. I like to think that he's in there, gritting his teeth through it all when I take her to bed." "Any chance of me borrowing her?" Bud asked hopefully. "Get your own slave girl, Bundy." ---- Saia, for once, felt moved to join in the audience's laughter. Romantic comedy of that sort was her forte, after all. So she chuckled along with everyone else, even as she spotted a hint of strange movement in the lighting balcony. She loosened her sword and gave her snowy wings a quick flap, then furled them tightly against her back. She'd have to time this just _so_... "Our next category is Best Dramatic Fiction, and the nominees--" The White Muse suddenly drew her sword and ducked, raising the blade over her head. A split-second later Selkie came swinging past on a lighting cable, her own sword out. The barbed blade swooped through the empty air where Saia's head had been, but the Black Muse, unable to stop herself or change direction, swung her body directly onto the point of Saia's sword, wrenching it out of her hand. Still clinging to the cable, Selkie swung back out over the audience, the blade standing out between her bat-wings. "You're... despicable," she groaned, then slid off the cable, crashing down into a row full of minor characters from 'Sir Mordred in Time and Space'. "--are," Saia went on, picking up exactly where she'd left off: "'The Gates of Hell', by Cain Young, the tale of Magnum and Warne's attempt to hire on as torture consultants in Hades. "'The Invidious City', by Helland Fate, an epic tale set in her mythic 'Books of Tamerlane' series. "The Round-Robin 'Steppes of Unspeakable Terror', by Clive Mayhem, Cain Young, BKHeartless, and Brad Fellupon, a complex story of intrigue, adventure, and lots of disembowellings. "'The Fighting Vicious Brutal Homicidal Dead Killers', by Jeri Massacre, which features the Third Doctor, Liz Shaw, and a cast of thousands, almost all of whom are hacked to bits by the third act. "And 'Calliope's Trial Transcripts: Ellia', by Imran Insaneyat, a short biographical sketch detailing the sordid past and dysfunctional family life of Insaneyat's Muse, Ellia. "And the winner is... 'The Fighting Vicious Brutal Homicidal Dead Killers', by Jeri Massacre. Let's have a look at our winning entry." ---- Liz drew back from the concentrated hate in the man's voice, but Ann Thumpsome remained outwardly unmoved. "Eat the candy bar," she told the prisoner, "because it's going to be your last meal." "Wossat? You threatening me?" The thug seemed amused by the very idea. "I know you're good, one o' the best, maybe, but we've taken your techniques to a whole new level. I can take you." The UNIT guard moved forward at the man's tone, but Liz waved him back, anxious to see how Ann would deal with this. "You've perverted my techniques," she said back evenly, "and that is why you're not leaving this room alive." "Now hold there, Miss Thumpsome," the guard started, but Ann paid him no mind. Leaning forward, she whispered across the table, "Your mother wears combat boots." The man was on his feet in an instant, surging across the table, fists raised. But Ann was faster, striking him a single blow to the breastbone. Then kicking him in the teeth. Then jabbing him with a broken bottle. Then lifting the heavy interrogation table and slamming it down on his head. Then nailing his thorax to the floor. Then shooting him repeatedly with a gatling gun. And, finally, dropping a sixteen-ton weight on him. The guard rushed over, checking the man's pulse. "He's dead! You killed him!" Liz was still in shock, dazed by the suddenness of the attack and the incredible speed and power of Ann's martial arts. ---- "Wasn't that marvellous, ladies and gentlemen?" Saia applauded along with the audience, beginning to get a bit more into the spirit of the evening. "A big hand for Miss Massacre. Now, I'd--" But whatever it was she intended would remain forever a mystery, as at that exact moment, a sixteen-ton weight crashed down on top of her, crushing her straight through the floor and into the cellar. "Hah!" laughed Selkie as she dropped down from the ceiling. "I know martial arts, too!" She slid the podium over away from the gaping hole as stagehands rushed out to tack plywood over it. "Now, it's _my_ pleasure to present the award for Best Character. The nominees are: "Adric in the 'Doctor Who'/'X: 1999' fusion, 'Doctor X', by BKHeartless..." The spotlights picked out Adric sitting alone, staring off into space and mumbling to himself, a strange basket-hilted sword clenched in his right hand. The song '1999', by Prince, began playing over the pub's sound system. "Belladonna in the Round-Robin 'Steppes of Unspeakable Terror'..." Another spot focussed on a slight, pale girl in the back, a kittens- and-cheese sandwich in her hand. She waved and flashed a fangy smile as the music changed to Queen's 'Killer Queen'. "Tegan in 'Falconry', by Graham Woodenclub..." Now the spotlight found Tegan, draped carelessly across her chair and done up in a tight latex number that seemed to be mostly straps and buckles. A hooded falcon was perched on the back of her chair, while Nyssa, half-naked and on a leash, sat at her feet. The music changed to 'F**k You Like an Animal', by Nine Inch Nails. "Ellia the Muse in Imran Insaneyat's meta-fiction..." The spotlight went to a pretty brunette girl sitting with the authors. She acknowledged neither the attention nor the applause, only giving a tiny smile when her theme song, Madonna's 'Frozen', began to play. "And Franz the Ogron bartender from the 'Dead On Arrival' series." The last spotlight shone down on the bar, where a gigantic Ogron in an old German infantry uniform -- complete with spiked helmet -- was mixing up drinks. He grunted at the room in general and went on about his business as the sound system switched to the Ramones' 'Too Tough to Die'. Selkie shooed the stagehands and carpenters away and ripped open the envelope. "And the winner... Adric from 'Doctor X', by BKHeartless!" The clip began to roll as people began trying to prod the still catatonic-looking Alzarian toward the stage. ---- "You are the chick, Adric, and the world is the egg!" "Um, okay Varsh. Whatever you say." Adric stared around at the melting walls. Disturbing, perhaps, but easier to look at than his brother, who hung crucified on a frame of remaindered copies of _It Takes a Village_, with snakes crawling in and out of his eye sockets. "Adric, are you paying attention? This is important stuff, here." "Uh, sure. I'm all ears." One of the walls had melted all the way through, revealing a star field beyond, countless galaxies swirling into a patterned array that was spelling out lyrics from the Beatles' 'White Album'. "Well, look at me when I'm talking to you." Adric did so, and regretted it, as flames were now shooting out his brother's nose and his legs had turned to rose petals. "Now, as I was saying, you are the chick, and the world is the egg. It is yours to unmake or to preserve, by your choice. The time of the Harbingers and Seals draws near. Do you understand?" "Not at all." "Good. Visions are _supposed_ to be cryptic, after all. Right, then, I'll see you in tomorrow's hallucination." So saying, Varsh began to fade away. "Uh, yeah. See you." "Oh, by the way," Varsh added just before he disappeared. "If anyone tries to cut your head off, I've left you a little prezzy in your abdomen. Cheers!" Abruptly, the real world returned. The melting attic room and the swirling stars were all gone, replaced by the firmer, if more prosaic reality of the street in front of Roger Delgado Public High School. Adric breathed a long sigh of relief. "Excuse me," a girl said from behind him. He turned to see a beautiful brunette smiling at him, dressed in a school uniform not unlike his own. She was quite stunning, with a gorgeous smile and a well-formed body, but Adric's eyes were on the ornate, jewelled sword in her hand. "Hi," the girl said. "My name is Peri, and I'm a Harbinger. Are you planning on helping to unmake the world?" "Er, not really..." "Oh. I'll have to cut your head off, then." She drew the sword back. "No hard feelings, 'kay?" Adric felt a sudden, crippling agony from his stomach. He doubled over, gasping, only to see a sword oozing, hilt-first, out of his body. ---- It took a bit of doing to get Adric, who was still locked in a hallucinatory argument with his dead brother, back into his seat. Once this was accomplished, Selkie gave everyone a few moments to get settled again before she went on. "Now, for our final award, it's the one you've all been waiting for, the Best--" "Best Author Award!" Saia yelled as she ran down the aisle and leaped onto the stage. "Hey, stow it Goody-Two-Shoes!" Selkie yelled back. "I'm presenting Best Author!" Saia tackled her. "I am!" "No, I am!" The two Muses started wrestling for control of the last envelope, biting, kicking, and tearing at each other's clothes. Back and forth they rolled, neither gaining the advantage, until they finally collapsed, breathless, Saia lying across Selkie's chest. "You know," Selkie panted, "this actually feels kind of good..." "Yes, it does," agreed Saia. "Shame you're still such a worthless skank, though..." The two tried to fight a bit more, but were both too tired to do much. "How 'bout a truce, then?" Saia said at last. "Just for this evening?" "Just for long enough to get the Adric presented." Selkie considered this. "Okay. Deal. We present it together." "Right. And then I kill you." "You wish." The two Muses stood up, straightening what was left of their clothing, and stepped up to the podium together, each carefully staying as far away as possible from the other without ceding dominance of the microphone. "Right," they said together. They stopped, glared at each other, then went on, in chorus, "the nominees for Best Author of 2003 are: "Jeri Massacre, author of some of the best, highest body-count Third Doctor stories; Igenlode Warpedsmith, a new contributor who has added considerable gloom and terror to the Round-Robins; Clive Mayhem, the master of nightmarish imagery and inventively sadistic plots; Paul Gottakillski, whose crossovers with 'Dark Shadows', 'Neon Genesis Evangelion', and 'The Punisher' have been newsgroup staples for years; and Imran Insaneyat, wide-ranging author whose work often puts particular focus on the many crimes and misdeeds of Otherside's Muse population." The two ragged Muses picked up the final envelope together and ripped it open from the middle. "And the winner is..." Both Muses suddenly stopped and boggled at the paper in their hands. Saia looked at Selkie, who only shrugged helplessly. "The winner," they went on after a moment, "by write-in vote, is Charles 'J2raider' Mental, who is not here at the moment, as he habitually boycotts the Adric Awards every year." "Go figure," said Selkie. "Thank you all, and good night!" called Saia. As everyone began to file off, muttering, to their various other engagements, the two Muses turned to once again face each other. "Now then," pondered the White Muse, "where were we?" "Here," snarled Selkie, wrapping her hands around Saia's throat. "Right you are," growled Saia, doing likewise to Selkie. The two were still doggedly strangling each other as the lights went down. --BKWillis Author's Note: This was all meant with the greatest respect and affection for the people and works that I poked fun at. No offense was intended, in any way, shape, or form. Copyright Notes: 'Doctor Who' is property of the BBC. This Time Round created by Tyler Dion. Some Other Time Round concept created by K. Michael Wilcox, further developed by Imran Inayat. Zany Zoe concept by K. Michael Wilcox. Hel Matear is from the anime series 'Cosmo Warrior Zero', property of Leiji Matsumoto. Katsuhiko Jinnai is from the anime series 'El Hazard', property of Pioneer, among others. Bud Bundy is from the TV series 'Married with Children', property of Fox Broadcasting. Ellia is property of Imran Inayat. The anime series 'X: 1999' is property of CLAMP Studios. Archivist's Notes: Regular Characters: Adric, Nyssa, Tegan Jovanka, Peri Brown, Liz Shaw, Zoe Herriet, 8th Doctor, Luke Bramley Categories: This Time Round (sort of); Humor Synopsis: The darker and more sinister pub outside continuity conducts their own awards ceremony.