STRANGE BEDFELLOWS 1/1 TTR by Paul Gadzikowski Bits of this work may derive from properties of the BBC, Fox, Paramount, et al., but it's non-profit and in no way intrudes on their markets. THIS TIME ROUND concept by Tyler Dion, after Kielle The character Number One created by BKWillis KING ARTHUR IN TIME AND SPACE is mine. The Valeyard dropped into the other seat of Number One's booth at This Time Round with all the successfully deceptive casualness of Ted Baxter. "We need to talk," he hissed, in a whisper that could only be heard two tables away. "Yeah?" said Number One. "What have *I* got to say to a loser who's a villain 'cuz he's only half a man?" Number One doubted that the Valeyard was subtle enough to perceive that the jibe was actually a double entendre alluding to the Valeyard's origin. But he *did* discover that the Valeyard was subtle enough to rejoind by wordlessly threatening to dump his martini on Number One's head, alluding to Number One's curse. "Fine. You have two minutes." "I need a partner for an enterprise. You need protection, now that you're no longer with the Brethren." "Wait - how do you know about that?" The Valeyard smirked. "You never knew the leader's name, did you?" "No." "Do you know my name?" Number One frowned at that for only a second. "You know it because, since you're in so little a.dw.c fiction, you have more than enough time to read it all." The Valeyard shrugged it's-a-fair-cop and continued. "Doesn't matter how I know it. My organization can keep you safe." "Can it? What if Willis writes different in his upcoming TDFs? You know he's going to." "What if? This place is Outside Continuity, idiot. This author has written anti-TDF before [http://members.iglou.com/scarfman/round19.htm]." "All right. What's the job?" "You know that this author considers the Doctor to be the author avatar in his fanfiction." "Yes, and that makes you the author anti-avatar," said Number One in the tone screen characters use when the other guy is recapping exposition. "Exactly. Presently, I'm an amalgamation of all the author's insecurity that posting his 'King Arthur in Time and Space' stories ticks people off because they don't agree the stories are on-topic for a.dw.c." Number One looked over at the bar. Several KAITAS characters were present. Lancelot and Guenevere were making moon eyes at each other. Merlin and Nimue were making moon eyes at each other. Arthur and Francois the Ogron bartender were arguing the fine points of sword combat (Francois that a fine point on the sword was sufficient). "And?" said Number One. The Valeyard's face convulsed in a paroxysm of rage. No, sorry, a parody of rage. "I want that bunch of shiny-arsed public-domain cliches out of this tavern and off this newsgroup!" "Do you really think you can win?" Number One asked skeptically. The Valeyard dropped his histrionics like Arthur Dent holding whale meat. "It's possible. If there were greater traffic on the newsgroup than there is now - and if there were overwhelming negative response from real readers - he'd pull the reposts. Of course, I don't *really* want that to happen, because then this TTR story arc is over and I have to go back to wishing Jeri Massi liked Doctor Six." Number One tried to imagine that, and failed utterly. "What do you say?" "Deal," said Number One. He put out his hand, then - once the Valeyard's was out - spit in his palm and shook hands before the Valeyard could pull his back. Now the Valeyard was truly committed. "You say your organization can keep me safe from the Brethren?" The Valeyard wiped at the palm of his black glove with a napkin. "Yes." "Who've you got?" "Up to you," said the Valeyard. "Your first task is recruitment. Who better to pick people to hold off the Brethren than an ex-member?" Number One rolled his eyes. "Shoulda known. Well, I'll do it offstage - Gadzikowski's already done one 'Shock Value' sendup." "How did it go?" the Valeyard asked as Number One slid into their booth drink in hand the next day. "Well, having learned from the Bradleyard's mistakes," said Number One lighting up, "instead of settling for the supporting characters' supporting characters who lurk around here, I took a well-trafficked PLOT hole near here to a planet of warriors I know of and made an alliance with their king." "Not bad," said the Valeyard, impressed. "What planet?" As he spoke the tavern's overhead lighting was eclipsed by something. Someone. Some huge one, also carrying a drink and pulling up a chair to their booth. No, two chairs. "You!" cringed the Valeyard. "You!" bellowed Yrcanos. In their sole previous (recorded) (so far) (that I know of) meeting at the 'Round, the Valeyard had entertained Yrcanos for most of half an hour with his inability to defend himself. Yrcanos had lumped the Valeyard in with the Time Lords who'd conspired to allow Peri and Yrcanos to die on Thorus Beta, and was taking revenge. Before the present meeting could devolve into a similar scenario, Number One pulled out his pistol and shot a round into the ceiling. It got their attention, not to mention startling everyone in the place. But Adric immediately ran for cover, leaving no staff to raise any objection but Francois, who only grinned. "Mirror-eyes man know how to party." "Siddown, both of you," Number One growled. Yrcanos settled for emitting one of his loud hisses. These are actually Krontep Battle Language, and what he was saying was, "I'll drink with you because you're a friend of this burning-leaf-inhaling son-of-a-bitch, but you won't leave this table unless we need you or unless I drink too much and forget to kill you." "Are you crazy?" the Valeyard snapped to Number One. "This ham-fisted numbskull's queen just married all eight Doctors in the author's other 'Round arc! That(ose) interfering idiot(s) is/are certain to get involved! What the hell were you thinking?" "Two things," said Number One. "First, now that Peri and the physical manifestation of multiple personality disorder are married and living happily ever after, their arc needs a new direction if it's to continue. Second, you wanted another shot at being the villain of that arc." "Yes, the villain! The villain! Not an ally!" said the Valeyard, sounding very like Basil Fawlty. "Assuming the Doctor(s) do/es/n't try to stop this war we're fomenting, t/he/y'll join up on the side of hier's wife's king!" "Exactly," said Number One, then took a drag to make the Valeyard wait for it. "In *order* to make Peri and the Doctor join in, you'd have to convince them first that you and I are the good guys and the Round Table are the bad guys. That's pretty villainous, aint it?" The Valeyard mulled that over. "But I wanted to be the villain of two arcs." He was pouting, but Number One could tell he'd won him over. But then the Valeyard turned to Yrcanos. "What about you? We're about to double-cross your queen and the ma/en who stole her from you - you good with that?" Number One admired the Valeyard's spin control but it hadn't been necessary. Yrcanos slammed the Valeyard genially on the shoulder. "Bugger that! Sounds like a good war's brewing! Count me in!" "Then it's settled." Number One put his gun away and raised his glass. "And if I'm lucky maybe I'll get through this all without losing my cojones, like I have so far." "That's what a codpiece is for," said Yrcanos helpfully. FIN