THIS TIME ROUND: TALL TALES JFG A bunch of Time Travelers were having a tall tale contest at This Time Round. Fast Eddie, on leave from Callahan's Cross Time Saloon was providing musical accompanyment for those who needed it, George Fenneman was acting as master of ceremonies. (He claimed that "Return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear" signified time travel, and since he really was a good announcer, the others allowed it might be so.) Sarah Jane Smith was keeping the records, and would give each participant a write up at the end of the contest. Mr. Spock had told the totally logical and totally fallacious story of how he had single handedly not only restored the hump-backed whale to 25th century Earth thus saving Civilization As We Know It, but had also planted snakes in Ireland prior to St. Patrick's arrival, so he would have something to remove. "Vulcans have an affinity for pointed ears, pitchforks and snakes, as you know." Mr. Peabody and his boy Sherman explained how they had assisted Paul Revere to invent the North Church lantern code - one if by land and two if by sea - thus allowing the American revolution to start on time. Revere had favored using Morse code, but since Mr Morse hadn't yet been born, waiting for the blessed event would have delayed the start of military action and the Longfellow poem wouldn't have rhymed, causing a loss of royalties, discouragement, and the absence of Hiawatha from the publishing scene. Now it was the 6th Doctor's turn. "You have all told tales of your intervention in interplanetary or international affairs. Now, as you know, my people never interfere in important things. It would violate the 1st law of time. With very few exceptions, we only watch and record, letting others go on their merry way." "Yeah, pull the other one!" heckled Ace. "Quiet, Ace. Listen and learn." said the 7th Doctor. "Now, as I was saying, the only thing my people do interfere with are the culinary arts. Gallifrey is responsible for teaching the universe how to cook." "Eons ago, when the galaxy was young, we lived as hunter-gatherers, as most early people do. If we found an animal, we caught it and ate it raw, because we hadn't yet invented fire. If we found some edible plants, we dug them up and ate them raw. Early people had a lot of stomach aches." "...And one day a Time Tot with a tummy ache dropped some calcium carbonate pebbles into a glass of water, drank it while it fizzed, and invented Alka Seltzer?" interposed Baron Munchausen. "Don't be silly. Alka Seltzer has aspirin in it. That's poisonous to my species....." ".....thus ending the indigestion permanently....." The Baron agreed to be quiet after the others started chucking peanuts at him. "AS I was saying..." glared the Doctor, daring someone else to interrupt him, "... the art of enjoying food was a long time in coming. People on my planet live a long time, but innovation is rare. However, as happens to all species, a lightening strike upon some hapless prehistoric beast produced the first barbecue. Soon people learned both to control fire and to relish the food cooked by it. But since all food was cooked by simply flinging it into a fire and then letting the fire go out, whatever you ate had only one flavor - burnt. If you cooked a plant and an animal at the same time, the juice of the one never got on the other. You just had two differently shaped burnt things. In order to vary cooking times, it was necessary to invent the fork, so you could remove the food before the fire went out. Well, after that, innovation grew by leaps and bounds." "You invented the kangaroo burger?" asked Fenneman. "No, we invented the frying pan. Of course, first we had to learn to smelt metal, create molds, and make black enamel paint with white speckles on it. It would have been easier to start with pottery,..." "..... but why do things the easy way?" mumbled the 4th Doctor. Ignoring the interruption, the 6th Dr went on. "From there it was a simple step to saucepans and Dutch ovens. But people began to question why cooks went to such elaborate lengths to cook food that all tasted the same. True, with pots you now had the choice of wet or dry, cooked or raw, but still, something was missing. Finally, an impoverished cook named Juliachildsmyidol who had two courses to serve but only one pot cooked two different foods together! His guests marveled at the taste. He then experimented with proportions, and the art of seasoning was born. It was discovered that certain plants, formerly thought inedible because of their strong tastes, seemed to have been positively created to aid in creative cookery. Just a small amount added to a dish made the difference between fast food and gourmet cuisine. With more varieties of food came better nutrition, and our already long life spans increased. Regeneration was invented; prior to that, no one wanted to come back for a second go-round if it meant another 500 years of eating unflavored oatmeal and water every day for breakfast." "And Rassilon decreed that newly developing civilizations should not have to go thru the long learning process and sour stomachs that Gallifreyans had endured. On all travels to new planets, each ship should bring the seeds of these herbs and spices, and like Johnny Appleseed of later fame, we should spread the knowledge of them throughout the cosmos. And in gratitude, myriad worlds have treated us as royalty, acknowledging our sage advice, gingerly testing out each new idea, and fenneling questions back to us for judgement And that...." he shouted above the growing chorus of hoots and groans..." is why we are called the Thyme Lords!" Note: Now that I've done one, the talespinners need more and better stories. Who's next? Disclaimers: The Doctors and their companions belong to the BBC, Callahan's Saloon and Fast Eddie belong to Spider Robinson, Mr. Peabody and Sherman are from the Rocky and Bullwinkle Show, Mr. Spock belongs to Paramount, and George Fenneman was a real person and the announcer of the Lone Ranger on radio and You Bet Your Life on TV. Unfortunately, I can't remember who wrote "The Adventures of Baron Munchausen". "This Time Round" concept by Tyler Dion