Tall Tales Too - the Sequel. A This Time Round Story. The time travelers were working on the second round of the Tall Tale competition at This Time Round. Sarah Jane Smith had completed the transcripts of the first round of stories and turned them over to two K9's for proofreading and reproduction. George Fenneman was again serving as MC. The topic tonight seemed to be Natural Disasters. Three of the Doctors had told three different stories of the sinking of the Lost City of Atlantis. Dr. McCoy then told how he had averted a plague caused by a mutating virus on the swamp planet Secaucus. He had created a live vaccine from a weakened strain of the virus, crossed it with a mutated rabies derivative so it was communicable via saliva, fed it to the local mosquitoes, and given the populace "lucky yellow shirts" to wear, "specially blessed against the plague". The vaccination level had risen to 98% in two weeks, and the dreaded plague never happened. Hercules came next, explaining in his story that Atlantis wasn't really lost, just misplaced as a result of his friend Salmoneus selling tourist maps that he had bought cheaply from Mr. Falafel. Since Falafel's maps were absolutely guaranteed - to be wrong - there were now lost souls in Tartarus, the 10 Lost Tribes of Israel, and Lost Indians in America, but Atlantis itself was exactly where her citizens had last seen her. "What Indians got lost in America?" Peri inquired. "Haven't you ever heard of The Lost of the Mohicans?" said the 6th Doctor. "That's the LAST of the Mohicans, Doctor." "That's because all the others got lost. Otherwise there would be more of them around. Really, Peri, you should know SOMETHING about your own continent" he smirked. He looked around for his drink but Peri had already taken it. "The Lost of the Wine" she explained. Dr. McCoy was a little upset by Herc's choice of topic, but restrained himself till the tale was finished. Then he started in on Fenneman, who was trying to call the next contestant. "Now, wait a doggone minute." said Dr. McCoy. "What is this, tag team tale telling?" "Say that 3 times fast." whispered the 7th Doctor to Jo. "That that that OW! What'd you hit me for?" He just grinned. "Come to think of it, I'm not really sure how we should be judging these linked stories" said Fenneman. "Is each story separate, or can the participants be judged as a team?" Mr. Scott hastily answered, as Dr. McCoy seemed ready to explode. "You need'na worry about being a singleton, Doctor McCoy. Remember, I have not gone yet, and my story is related to yours." "You see", he continued, "it has to do with what happened to the mosquitoes AFTER the good Doctor fed them his mutagenic vaccine concoction. They mutated. Each generation grew larger than the next. It was all very confusing, because when the beasties'd fly over to the landing craft hangers looking for a drink amongst the staff there, the maintenance crews'd mistake them for atmospheric shuttles and try to refuel them. You've never seen what a mosquito is like with a snootful of antimatter....." It took a full five minutes to persuade the onlookers that Mr. Scott would have to wait his turn. Fenneman finally called the 2nd Doctor, who stood up and took the floor. "I want to tell you about a very unusual visit Jamie, Victoria and I had in the Missouri River Valley during the very late fall of the year 1870. That's in North America, on Earth." he said helpfully. "I thought Victoria might enjoy visiting an era close to her native time, and Jamie and I were glad of the opportunity to stretch our legs. The Tardis had landed several miles below a little settlement on the river, and we decided to be naturalists, collecting leaves and other samples of interesting flora as we headed upstream, hoping to stay there for the night." "The area seemed excessively soggy and we got the impression there had also been a logging accident in the area. There were long pieces of wood littering the place and obstructing the natural paths along the river................" he said, as everyone settled in to listen. * * * "......... I wonder why they leave their wood lying around like this. Surely it would be better if it was a little drier before it was used?" asked Victoria. "Doctor, what kind of trees do they grow here?" asked Jamie "I thought that was what we were finding out." I replied. "Why do you ask?" "I just wondered what kind of trees have teeth and feet." he answered. "What? Jamie, those are crocodiles! They BITE! Get away from there!" "Well, this one looks tame enough" said Jamie, poking one with a stick. The animal opened a sleepy eye and bit down on the stick, neatly snipping off the end. Then it went back to sleep. "Perhaps we should stick to the road, from now on" said Victoria nervously. As they walked, they saw a man coming towards us. "Excuse me," said Victoria politely, "could you tell us the name of the town upriver?" "That there is Milvern." said the man. "You're certainly strangers here. Are you the people from Washington?" "I beg your pardon?" "We asked Washington to send somebody round on count of the strange weather we've been having these past two years, and the mess it's been making of our planting. Struck us that since we pay taxes, we ought to get something back from the government. But we didn't expect no wimmen." "Well, we haven't come directly from Washington" the Doctor temporized. "We've been on the road, doing a bit of an ecological survey of the area. I'm not sure if anyone else is being sent." he added truthfully. "Eco-what?" asked the man "Ecological survey. Checking on the plant and animal populations in the area." "Oh, a herb woman, is she? Well, that's what we want. C'mon back to town. Maybe the message missed you while you were traveling." And so saying, he dragged the startled time travelers off with him to Milvern. "Why don't you tell us what has been going on." said the Doctor. "Tell us as if we had never heard the story before, and let us ask questions in the same manner. That way, we can be sure nothing has been left out." "Aye" said Jamie. "Just make believe we've never heard of this place before today." "Maybe you could start by telling us about the crocodiles. Surely they are not native to this region?" asked the Doctor. The man - a Mr. Mike Fink, as it turned out - said with a knowing glance, "They ain't crocodiles, of course. They're alligators. Crocodiles are in Egypt, like in the plays you read in school. These gators are a downright nuisance. Last coupla years, the weather's been real balmy, and a lot more fish than usual made it thru the winter. Come spring, the gators went plumb crazy laying eggs. There were so many babies they moved up river from Louisiana. Now they're here, they don't seem to want to leave." "Why are they all asleep?" asked Jamie. "Alligators are reptiles, and like all cold blooded creatures, need warmth to keep their bodies active. When it gets cold they enter a dormant state." the Doctor said. "A what?" "They go to sleep." said Victoria. "Yup, and the snoring gets so loud it keeps everyone else awake. In the daytime, when it gets warm enough, they wake up and take over the place. Can't move for tripping over them. Maggie Farley - she's a little short sighted - found one in her barn and thought it was a milking stool. Pulled it up, opened it's mouth, and sat down. Wondered later why she had button holes down the back of her dress where there weren't no buttons. We wondered more why she was still around to wonder anything, but the critter was so cold he just held the position. Made the cows kind of nervous, though." He grinned and went on. "It'll be nice when winter comes. They're not made for this type of weather and any that're still here'll either sleep thru the winter, or just freeze solid. Though what we'll do with em after that I can't imagine. Turn em into belts, mebbe." said Mr. Fink. "What exactly has been different about the weather lately?" asked the Doctor. "Up until a few years ago, the weather here was pretty constant. Hot summers, cold winters, pretty good rainfall, the water level in the river hereabouts was pretty constant, and folks could make a living farming, or off the river, or working the keel boats. But the past three years we've been having warm, rainy spells from March thru November. Fishing has never been better, but all the land round has become waterlogged. The gators came up from Louisiana following the fish, and don't even go back down in the winter, the time has been so short. A coupla people have had to move their barns, and the farming is shot to hell. All except for the goobers. And even they're not right." "Goobers?" asked Victoria. "What are they, please?" "Goober peas." Jamie looked at the Doctor, who shrugged back. They'd find out soon enough what these mysterious objects were. "What is wrong with the -ah - goobers?" asked the Doctor. "Grow like weeds, but not much use. Hard as rocks when they're first dug, scarcely any oil to be had. They cook up alright, but you grind them into spread, it hardens into cement as soon as it dries out a little. Old man Maclin made himself a sandwich last month..." "But peas are for soup.." whispered Jamie. The others continued to look blank. "... Bit into it with his new store bought teeth, and wouldn't you know they got stuck? Pert' near choked hisself getting them out. . Both plates came out, still attached to the bread. He sent the whole mess to the company in Philadelphia where they was made, seein's how they were still under warrantee. They finally sent a new pair. Heard tell they were using the original set - still embedded in the sandwich - as an advertising sign or some thing." At the outskirts of the village was an unused barn. "Harry Secombe had to move his cows out to higher ground. The area here's become so marshy the mice were paddling little boats. And the town council got a complaint about the milk snakes - they'd hang themselves up to dry on the rafters, and a feller'd mistake one for a rope. Gave the horses conniptions when you'd try to attach one to their harness." "Where did he move his cows to?" asked the Doctor, trying to maintain a sense of logic about a matter which seemed to be getting madder by the minute. "We had a barn raising over in the east meadow. Took only two days this time - boys were trying to set a record. We did cheat a bit by using goober paste as cement to hold things together - meant we didn't have to build as neatly as usual. Wonder if it will hold through next fall?" said Mr. Fink Victoria whispered to Jamie "I don't believe a word of this, do you? Even if they are Americans, this is getting more and more impossible." "Aye," said Jamie. "At home, we could do a barn raising in two days without using glue. Mebbe they don't have as good tools here?" The chill of the evening was deepening, and the low drone of snoring alligators was rising. Mr. Fink sat down on one, which didn't move, and said "If we set a spell and wait, we'll catch Jim Hardee when he comes in from milking. He's got a place to put you up for the night, and'll give you some grub. You can begin surveying in the morning." While they waited, Jamie and the Doctor experimented by posing alligators in different positions. "Dunk em in the river when you find one you like. The chill'l keep em still till round noon tomorrow." said Mr. Fink. "What HAVE we gotten into this time?" Victoria asked the Doctor. "I have no idea, but doesn't it look interesting?" he grinned, hanging a spotted handkerchief from a gator's raised tail like a flag on a flag pole. * * * The next morning, they were awakened by shouting from the road in front of the house. A man on a tired horse was yelling. "Wake up! Wake up! Ring the school bell. Everyone's got to move to higher ground immediately. There was a disaster up-river at the mill and it looks like the dam's about to give way!" "How long have we got?" asked Mr. Hardee. "Judging by what was happening, the flood'l reach here about noon." "Oh, my goodness", the Doctor exclaimed. "Victoria, we'd better pack up our things." "Wait a minute." said Jamie. "Can't they dam the river further down?" "Well, there's a good spot about half a mile up from here, where the river necks down a mite, but we've nothing to dam the river WITH. Not enough trees hereabouts, nor rocks neither. Current'l be pretty strong by the time the water gets here, and the nearest quarry's a day away by barge." The three travelers stared at each other, and at Mr. Fink, who had arrived to see what the noise was all about. "Mike!" said the Doctor, frowning in thought. "You remarked about how stiff the ..ah..alligators get when immersed in water. There seemed to be an awful lot of them around. Can't we use them to dam the river?" "But what'll hold them in place?" "You told us yesterday a good crew could raise a barn in 2 days. We'll, how long would it take to raze the same structure?" "A lot less time. And there's also that old tumbledown barn over to Peavey's. He's been planning to put up a new one anyway." said Mike, catching on. "Capital. Jamie, you and Victoria go with the rider. Help organize the evacuation. Jamie - you bring all the experienced builders here. Victoria, get everyone else that can be spared to gather all the ...um... goobers available, and all the grinding equipment they have, and follow Jamie's crew to the barn sites. Mike, go to Mr. ...Peavey's?... house and explain what is going on. And get someone to send over all the wagons that can be spared. I'll start organizing the alligators." As everyone ran off, too startled to realize they were taking orders from a total stranger, Victoria turned to the Doctor. "What ARE goobers?" she hissed. "I think we're about to find out. Don't worry, the people here know. Just go along with what they do." * * * "And that was what we did." said the Doctor. "Victoria helped the goober grinders', Jamie helped those who were distributing the wood, and I co-ordinated the, er, gator-grab. As it turned out, goobers were nothing more than peanuts, and although sadly affected by the climactic conditions they had been grown under, and totally useless for eating, they made a superb glue.." "Even ordinary peanut butter sticks to the roof of your mouth" testified Peri, backing up the Doctor's claim. "A large helping of peanut butter was placed on one end of each stick." He continued. "An alligator was poked hard enough to make him bite the stick. As his jaws closed over the hardening peanut butter, his teeth would get caught. We had to jump back as the alligators ran into the swift-running river water to try to wash their mouths out, wrapping their tails around rocks to keep from being washed away." "However, the cold water not only made the peanut butter harden like quick drying cement, but forced the animals into hibernation, stiffening as they fell asleep." "They were then carted off to the assembly point, where a crew arranged them, hooked around each other, with the sticks firmly driven into the mud bottom. Rocks were piled below them to keep the wood from shifting, and each alligator was interwoven into the others and the wood pilings that were wedged firmly against the current. As each layer was added, tails hooked around legs and snouts, a dam high enough to walk over was erected that was so densely woven a beaver would have been proud of it." "As we got the last of the alligators into place, the ladies ladled the leftover peanut butter into the water, where it worked into the chinks between, acting as mortar." "Just as we finished the last of the construction, we heard the rush of the flood. The water came on, but the dam held. The excess water was channeled harmlessly away into the fields on either side of the river, where it froze solid when winter came, forming fine skating ponds. The little town was saved." "What happened to all the dammed alligators?" Harry Sullivan asked. "Language, Harry!". Everyone looked at him and he blushed. "You know what I mean!" he laughed. "I'm afraid I couldn't say" apologised the Doctor. "Just as we were all going back to the town, an extraordinarily tall man came up the road, followed by a huge blue animal of some sort, announcing that he was the government agricultural advisor, so we thought it best to leave. We never did get to finish our plant survey, unfortunately, but Jamie did get a rather nice belt out of it, and Victoria a handbag. If you have time later, you can come into the Tardis to see them. Peanuts, anyone?" asked the Doctor, passing the bowl around. Very few people accepted. ---------------------------------------------- Disclaimers - Dr. Who and companions belong to the BBC. George Fenneman was a real person, the announcer of the programs "Lone Ranger" on the radio and "You Bet Your Life" on the TV. Mr. Scott and Dr. McCoy both belong to Paramount. Hercules and his companions from The Legendary Journeys series belong to Universal. Mike Fink - "King of the Keelboatmen, .....half horse, half alligator,...... Whoop! Cockadoodle Doo!" as he introduced himself, - and Paul Bunyan and his blue ox Babe were each stars of his own tall tale series. Paul Bunyan once dumped a warehousefull of peanuts, melted butter, salt, sugar and hot molasses into a frigid river to create a peanut-brittle dam in order to stop a flood. Now we know where he got the idea from.