This is Adric of Alzarius, General Manager and Chief Moneygrubbing Officer of
MPT3k, Inc. I'm here today with a special new offer that's so special and new
and exciting, I'm going to end this sentence with _two_ (2) exclamation
Friends, there are two basic kinds of people in the world: those who seek
money and sex; and those who seek guidance and enlightenment. We here at
MPT3k, Inc. fall squarely into the first camp, but we're certainly not above
trying to make a buck off those of you who may be in the second one.
Friends, we live in difficult and confusing times. It is an age when the world
is in a constant state of flux and no one can be sure of who to trust. Even
those who call us 'friends' are usually just hucksters trying to raid our
wallets. Even the traditional sources of spiritual guidance -- the Magic
Eight-Ball, the blind Wahhabi cleric who blew his hand off making pipe-bombs,
the morning talk-show host, the I-Ching, Ashton Kutcher -- can no longer
fulfill the human need for philosophical certainty.
Friends, that's where we come in.
For those who crave guidance, for those who crave enlightenment, for those who
crave the insights of an alien mind, and for those who crave a book with a
picture of an almost naked Trakenite maiden on the cover, we're offering this,
the accumulated observations of an intelligent yet totally bent brain:
_Nyssanetics: the Wisdom of Psychosis_.
Those seeking the deeper meanings will now find them in this handsomely-bound
book of Nyssa's incisive observations on subjects ranging from philosophy to
literature to the human condition, all made while observing bad fan-fiction
aboard the Satellite of Love. And if you don't find deeper meanings in her
words, find some in that cover portrait of her. I swear you can see a nipple
Just see the wisdom you get for a mere $24.97 plus shipping:
NYSSA ON VIOLENCE
"Vengeance _always_ helps!"
"There is no way in Hell I'd be such a wimp as to say I couldn't kill
the Master! The only reason I haven't done it already is that I want
it to come as a shock to him when I finally disembowel him and turn
loose the man-eating lemurs..."
"I'm not a self-pitying little whiner like that caricature of me on
the screen. Besides, what is there to say? He killed my father and
stepmother and then destroyed everything I've ever known and loved.
He did it, and one day I'll eat his hearts and spit the blood on his
cold, dead face for it. Does that answer your question?"
"Just so you all know, my vengeance for this will be such that God
Himself will weep for you."
"When in doubt, start yanking on the trigger."
"Now, some experts recommend wood chippers and vats of acid for victim
disposal, but I've found that a good temporary solution is to stick
the corpse behind a desk at the Department of Motor Vehicles, where
its total lack of movement and increasing stench will not seem at all
remarkable to passers-by."
"If _I_ ever got my hands on a megaweapon, my first test would be to
shoot it at whoever I was planning on using it on. What's the point
in wasting shots that could be inflicting useful carnage?"
NYSSA ON INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS
"As long as I've got you, every place is like the fiery pits of
"I am not only stuck in the same situation, but I'm in it with _you_.
At least you have the advantage of better company."
"All right, here's the deal: the first person to tell me what the
Hell's really going on here _doesn't_ get disembowelled. So, start
talking or be prepared to start screaming..."
"I'm just here to revel in the bleakness of your depression and feast
on the gloom and darkness within your soul."
"Settle down, children, before Auntie Nyssa has to get medieval on you."
"I think I want to have you all spayed."
NYSSA ON SCIENCE
"This is pure _science_. Now, go ahead and sprinkle the chicken blood
while I recite the invocation to Yog-Sothoth..."
"It's a perpetual-motion machine. I started working on it and,
ironically enough, I can't seem to stop."
"Correlation is not causation, Douggie."
"If I had a reason, I wouldn't be a deranged scientist."
NYSSA ON LITERATURE
"What's this 'in-character' concept I keep hearing about?"
"You know, I've seen ironic foreshadowing before, but this is the
first time I've actually been held down and bludgeoned with it."
"Run on, noble sentence! Run free and unfettered through the great
"It's just like watching 'BlackAdder'... while being kicked repeatedly
in the head."
"I agree, fanfic. Dialogue tags are for wussies."
"This fanfic is like California. Few words and no numbers have any
real meaning here."
"Actually, 'mature content' in fan fiction usually translates as 'a
couple of swear words and somebody mentions sex indirectly'. The next
step up is 'adult content', which means 'everyone throws around the
F-word as if it were their middle name and anyone who gets more than
two lines gets something put in an orifice'."
"He'd be more like a parodist. The literary equivalent of a plague-
"You could say [the story] was bad, much like you could say Daleks
are a bit assertive."
NYSSA ON MODESTY
"My feet are lovely, aren't they? Not as pretty as the rest of me,
but still quite attractive in their own way."
"But it's times like these I wish I were fallible..."
"I have a plan so cunning, you could give it a beard and make it King
"Can I help it if I'm smart as well as gorgeous and talented?"
NYSSA ON EARTH/HUMANS
"Who's the scientist here? Which of us is from the hyper-advanced
star-spanning civilization and which represents the society that made
"My experience has been that you humans only have three basic
motivations: greed, lust, and stupidity."
"More pearls of wisdom from the planet that gave us pet rocks,
dialectical materialism, and Britney Spears."
"A mere 500 years ago, you humans were a bunch of greedy, stupid,
illiterate barbarians who were gleefully killing each other over
minor philosophical differences. But now, many of you can read.
Hurrah for progress!"
"I begin to think Graham Woodland might've been right on the money.
Perhaps it _would_ be best for you humans to all be ruled by one
powerful, enlightened, incorruptible authority figure. Particularly
if said figure was also drop-dead gorgeous and had naturally curly
"One thing that never ceases to amaze me about you humans is that for
every step your technology takes forward, your taste in entertainment
takes two steps back."
"Trying to keep the human race stupid strikes me as being akin to
trying to keep the ocean wet."
NYSSA ON PHILOSOPHY
"We all decided that it was easier to just let the same crooks steal
from us all the time rather than electing a whole new set every few
years. 'The Devil you know', and all that."
"It taketh not a whole lot to be more than a _man_ understandeth.
Nyssa 3:16. And that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone- Cold Nyssa says
"I didn't say it told us anything. I just said it was an explanation."
"As the old Zen proverb says, 'Anything may be dangerous to a man who
talks to furniture.'"
"I mean, does it not seem sometimes as if we are just here for the
amusement of some higher power? A higher power that has so little of
a real life that it spends its time finding increasingly ridiculous
situations in which to put us?"
"Seventy percent of Americans think MacDonald's is food, but that
doesn't make it right."
"Chow Yun-Fat is God."
NYSSA ON THE WHONIVERSE
"I can see how someone might go back and alter history in such a way
that the Time Lords evolve into a bunch of narrow, spineless, self-
centered, manipulative prats with-- Hey, wait a minute..."
"Our Universe has Daleks and such, while yours has Dennis Rodman. I
consider us even."
"They could probably do with having a psychologist on Skaro. I mean,
doesn't the Daleks' relationship with Davros just scream 'Oedipus
"That reminds me of a saying we Companions came up with: 'You can lead
a Doctor to pontificating, but you can't make him shut up after you
do it, so it's not really a good idea.'"
"I kept asking myself, 'Why did I move to a place [Terminus] where the
most popular pastime is watching other peoples' limbs rot off?'"
"Time travel really does play Hell with verb tenses."
Friends, I feel more enlightened and spiritually evolved just from having
posted that! Be the envy of your friends, neighbors, religious leaders, and
therapy groups by ordering your copy today, which doesn't actually have any
more text than what was printed above, but does have that picture of Nyssa
falling out of a toga on the cover! Your karma will thank you for it!
Adric of Alzarius, GM and CMO of MPT3k, Inc., AFAIK IMNSHO