TTRA ONE: OF MICE AND MAYHEM
Alryssa sat at the bar, took another gulp of her Guinness, looked
around, and grinned.
The 'Round was pretty busy tonight; Adric'd already been killed eight
times today, the Eighth Doctor was watching warily for PMEB members (he
didn't know who they were, but he _knew_ they were trouble), Benny had
confiscated the Seventh's spoons after he'd started playing 'Ten Green
Bottles'... for the tenth time, the Adric Defense Force were nowhere in
sight, and the Third Doctor was busy demonstrating how the Sonic
Screwdriver worked to a fascinated Jeri Massi..
Pretty normal, really.
"Err... Could I have a banana milkshake?"
Alryssa blinked. She knew that voice.... Slightly whiny, nasal edge,
tendency to come up with _lunatic_ ideas...
Francois loomed over the unfortunate patron. This wasn't hard, his being
an Ogron. "That ape joke?"
The unfortunate looked up. "Umm... Make it a chocolate."
"Right. And remember what happen to last author who make ape joke about
The unfortunate started trembling.
Alryssa grinned. Yep, it was cruel... but she couldn't help it.
She slipped up behind the denizen, now sipping his chocolate milkshake,
and whispered "Hello, Imran.".
Imran choked on the milkshake.
He swallowed, turned round, looked up, opened his mouth, did a
double-take, and _gawped_.
Alryssa grinned. 'Hi, Imran.'
"Please, please ...sit down, sit down... Haven't seen you in... how long
has it _been_?! Can't remember... Sorry. Have a tendency to babble when
I start talking," Imran babbled. "So.. Been following your career with
interest... How _is_ Thomas, anyway? We didn't see either of you after
Alryssa ahemmed. "Well..."
In a secluded booth...
"_There_, Pinky! There are our targets for tonight. With their aid, we
shall be able to rule the 'Round, and all of continuity!" The statement
was accompanied with a grandiloquent gesture in Alryssa and Imran's
"Er... what's so special about two fans, Brain? They'll install better
air conditioning in the lab?"
"Don't make me hurt you, Pinky. Not _that_ type of fan..."
"Oh. Doctor Who fans then, Brain?"
"Two Eighth Doctor fans?"
"_No_, Pinky. Two _authors_. And _they_ are just the beginning..."
Another voice spoke, seeming to originate in the concealing shadows of
the booth. "I think _not_. Mr Inayat and Ms Kelly are too important to
_my_ plan for your clumsy interference..."
_Something_ whipped out of the shadows, and snagged a beer off Jamie's
table. Then it whipped back in again.
There was a glugging sound.
"Ah well, no rest for the wicked..."
And then, there was no-one there...
Meanwhile, completely unaware of all this...
Alryssa finished her Guinness. "Hey! Another one over here, thanks!" She
turned to Imran. "Anyway... we could sit here and talk about old
They both considered this. "Naaaaaahhhh...."
"...or I could introduce you to my Muse... if she's still conscious..."
"...or we could poke round the 'Round, see what trouble we can get into,
and generally make nuisances of ourselves..." Alryssa finished, with a
She looked at Imran. "So... what do _you_ think?"
Imran looked around at the various assortment of inhabitants, weighing
up the options. Psycho Nyssa had her game plans sprawled across one of
the large oak tables, pointing out proudly to anyone who would listen to
the various locations and methods she had employed to kill her favourite
enemy. He decided to pass.
As he looked back to his friend, he realised she had moved. Looking
around, he heard a yelping coming from the gaggle of Doctors in the one
corner. He wasn't sure he wanted to know what was going on.
"No! Stoppit! Stoppit!! Not fair! NOT FAIR!"
One of the Eighth Doctors was rolling around on the floor, trying to
fend off the attack. Imran realised - Alryssa was tickling him! Well,
there's a start, he thought, and watched the fun.
Under the bar....
"Shut up, Pinky! I need to concentrate to get this contraption
"All right, Brain... what is it?"
Brain sighed as he set down the screwdriver verrrrrry carefully,
resisting the urge to embed it in Pinky's forehead.
"Do I have to tell you again? This is my Author Avator Incapacitator."
"Oh. Right. Narf! Um. What's it do?"
Brain just ignored him and continued working.
Meanwhile, in the rest of the 'Round...
With a roar, Compassion materialised on top of the bar.
"Hey you TARDIS Lady get off my bar!" protested Francois.
Compassion winked at him and faded away, appearing again on the floor in
front of the bar.
"Sorry, Francois. I had a back seat driver." Compassion explained,
rolling her eyes." I should let him out, shouldn't I?"
With a smile on her freckled face, Compassion split down the middle, and
a very dishevelled Nivet fell out.
"Next time, let me do the driving!" he complained.
"Tch. First you try to order me around, next you want to control me.
Please remember who is the TARDIS, and who is the most sane Timey still
in existance." she countered back.
"You, time man, you want a drink?" asked Francois.
"A drink? After that ride I could drink the bar dry!" Nivet exclaimed.
"I seriously doubt that." Benny rose from her seat, the Doctor's spoons
"An Earth woman would dare challenge a Time Lord with a cast iron
stomach to a drinking competition?" replied Nivet, very much ammused.
"Of course. Name your poison." replied a very serious Benny.
"Alpha Centaurian red. 2167."
"An interesting choice." Benny raised an eyebrow.
Everyone stopped what they were doing.
Nyssa stopped stabbing Adric.
The Third Doctor put down his sonic screwdriver, allowing a very
interest Jeri to pick it up.
Alryssa stopped tickling the Eighth Doctor.
The Thing in the Corner raised what part of its anotomy would have
counted as an eyebrow on a human.
A table and two chairs were quickly set up in the middle of the bar.
Francois brought out 12 bottles of the AC red 2167 and two glasses.
It was all set.
Then, with a wheezing, groaning sound a teenaged boy appeared on the
table, wearing an Adidas T shirt and trackpants.
"Excuse me," Cameron asked "But where am I?"
Oblivious to all of this were Pinky and the Brain.
Pinky was bored. He had spent all this time watching Brain doing his
"technical" stuff. All Pinky wanted to do was run in his wheel and eat
cheese, but no, every night Brain would come up with some crazy scheme
to try and take over the world.
Brain spoke up. " I am almost ready. Are you thinking what I'm thinking,
"Yes Brain, but why would we need a six foot long scarf? Narf!"
"You pitiful fool, Pinky!"
Brain smacked Pinky on the head. Unknown to Brain, Pinky's tail curled
around an intricate piece of circuitry, and was twisting around it, each
time Pinky was hit, the circuitry got more mangled.
Only the Thing in the Corner noticed this, and it laughed.
Imran ticks off his list.
Nivet and Benny in a head to head drinking contest. (_This_ should be
Cameron materialises in the 'Round. Check. (Better drag Alryssa off the
Doc's feet and get her to help... Huh? What's going on _here_?)
Muse unconscious in corner from scumble hangover. Check.
Author Avatar Incapacitator? What the-
"At _last_, Pinky! It's *ready*!"
"Go on then, Brain. Lemme have a shot!"
"_No_, Pinky. This is a finely crafted piece of machinery, _not_ a water
pistol!" Brain smacked Pinky upside the head again. With further
_Hold on_, Imran thought. _Something *odd's* going on here..._
_Hold on_, Alryssa thought. _Why do I get the feeling something's
_Hold on_, Cameron thought. _I know these people..._
The Thing in the Corner smirked. Well, it would if it had a mouth...
Imran dodged between Nivet and Benny, and helped a very baffled Cameron
off the table. "Sorry. Author Mafia business, you know how it is..." He
fended off the astonished looks most everyone on the 'Round was giving
Imran led Cameron to a side booth, where a small girl in a denim jacket
and jeans, with her brown hair shaved down to her skull, had been
sleeping through all of this.
Cameron blinked. "Where _am_ 1?"
Imran ahemmed. "Umm..."
Benny stared Nivet in the eye. "_Right_... Let's see how those
dimensionally-transcendental stomachs hold up, hey?"
"_We_ can choose whether or not to let alcohol affect us," Nivet
replied. "How about humans?"
"Oh, *cruk*," Benny muttered, as they sat down at the table.
Brain raised his contraption, and aimed it at Alryssa, now sitting at
the Eighth's feet. "No _Thing_ in the corner will stop me!"
Pinky noticed his tail was caught in the circuitry. "Err... Brain?"
"*Quiet*, Pinky, I'm focusing. Omm...."
"Ready... Aim... Fire!"
There was a whirring sound.
And a ray of neon blue light shot from Brain's device, hitting Alryssa
square in the chest.
Imran turned. 'What the-'
The ray refracted, hitting Imran in the chest... and then Cameron.
Normally, at this point, a mind-swap would be expected. It's de rigeuer.
However, what *actually* happened next was _unexpected_, to say the
Everyone had to close their eyes for a moment or two against the bright
light. When it faded, and the captives had slumped, unconscious, to the
floor, the Second Doctor braved a peek between his fingers and gasped.
"Oh my giddy aunt!"
Everyone opened their eyes. The Brain had already made good his escape,
to watch from his secret hideaway in the drinks cabinet behind the bar.
Cackling to himself, he observed the ensuing chaos.
Fitz choked on his smouldering cigarette. The Sixth blinked a few times.
"You know something? This is *bad*. This is *very* bad!"
The Eighth looked down.
"What's happened to them?"
Imran's Muse spoke up casually from her table, a smirk on her face.
"They've all been transformed into the characters they hate most or have
done the most damage to. Poetic justice, maybe?"
Cameron stirred and sat up. Groggily, he looked around.
"Why are you all looking at me like that?" he asked. Then he saw Psycho
Nyssa. "Why are *you* looking at me like *that*?"
Nyssa's eyes glittered maniacally. It took six companions to hold her
"Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear..." muttered Izzy, as someone handed Cameron
The resulting screams were enough to force TTR's sign outside to fall
off its hinges.
Alryssa woke up suddenly at the yelling.
"What's going on... you know, I feel funny."
The Eighth shuffled uncomfortably. She looked up, blinking. Fitz
snorted. "You mean, you feel like you're bigger on the inside?"
Alryssa looked at him for a few moments. The look turned to a hard
stare. Then it turned to one of horror.
Imran awoke, to muffled sobs from Cameron and awkward shuffling around
him. Everything sounded funny.
"Gad, what happened?" he asked.
The Fourth Doctor looked down at him (he seemed taller than usual... was
it his imagination?).
"I'm sorry, old chap. Brain has been doing his dastardly thing again."
"What?" Imran found himself craning his neck.
Fourth coughed awkwardly.
Imran tried to stand up, but found he couldn't. It was a few more
moments of trundling about before he realised.
Much shrugging from around the 'Round. Allie sniggered. Imran snarled at
her, as much as a tin dog can snarl.
"I suppose the question right now is... what do we do about changing
them back?" piped up Izzy, who kept a firm grip on Nyssa's arm.
The Eighth looked at Alryssa, who was headbutting the table repeatedly.
"Well. I have an idea, but it's... tricky."
"When is it *not*?"
Eighth rolled his eyes. "Do you want to hear it or not?"
The 'Round sighed in unison. Eighth launched into his plan....