WAR IS OVER 1/1 TTR, the author's Peri arc by Paul Gadzikowski Bits of this work may derive from properties of the BBC, Fox, Paramount, et al., but it's non-profit and in no way intrudes on their markets. THIS TIME ROUND concept by Tyler Dion, after Kielle. Number One created by BKWillis. KING ARTHUR IN TIME AND SPACE is mine. Previously in the author's TTR arc(s): In a surprisingly nonviolent romance, Peri married all eight Doctors. The Doctor now wears a time ring while with Peri that continuously cycles hims through all incarnations for equal time with his/their wife. Meanwhile the Valeyard, Yrcanos and BKWillis' author avatar Number One have formed a conspiracy to trick the happy couple into leading Yrcanos' warrior planet to drive this author's KING ARTHUR IN TIME AND SPACE characters off the newsgroup and to safeguard Number One from his ex-Brethren. The Krontep have seized the planet Camelot, and the starcruiser Excalibur where Peri discovers that she, like Arthur, carries one-half Uther Pendragon's DNA. Meanwhile, Number One is confronted by a Brethren agent - who is not who he seems ... ***** "You're not Randall Flagg. You're Colonel Flagg!" Flagg squinted across the This Time Round back corner booth at Number One. "Maybe," he said with professional paranoia. "What if I am?" Number One thought fast. "Well, pardon me, stranger. I ain't saying you are that paragon of American counterintelligence heroism, defending the American way from pinkos, goosesteppers, nay-sayers, freethinkers and sensitive New Age guys, and I ain't saying you ain't. But if you were, there's somethin' you had oughta know." "What?" Flagg squinted even harder. "Not that I'm admitting anything." "Those Brethren guys?" "Yes?" Number One proceeded to suborn Flagg away from the Brethren by applying to them, throughout a three-minute monologue, every synonym for "communist" he knew which was all of them. Flagg stuck out his hand. "Looks like I owe you an apology, friend." "Oh, just to let you know," Number One heard Harry tell Adric as the twerp prepared to assume the evening bartender shift from the stuffed shirt, "there's a peace conference going to be held here." "A peace conference?" Adric asked. "In this place?" "Yes. You've heard of this row going on between Krontep and Space Camelot?" Number One had noticed around the 'Round the social convention that showed, for instance, "Space Arthur" is a lot easier to say ten times in a conversation than "King Arthur of KING ARTHUR IN TIME AND SPACE". "Yeah," Adric answered Harry. "I was wondering when there was going to be another installment." "Seems that the 'Round was the only neutral territory they could agree on." "But it's Friday. People will be expecting to get in for crossover poker night. I've been looking forward to seeing Wes and Ryoko. And, oddly, Spike." "Oh, they haven't reserved the whole place or anything," Harry explained as he shrugged into his greatcoat. "I just wanted to warn you of the possibility that, depending on how it goes, you might see hostility or even outbreaks of violence in here tonight." "Great. Thanks," said Adric with exactly the sort of irony that is lost on Harry. "When's all this start?" "Should start arriving any moment," said Harry on his way out the door. "Cheerio." "Glass of water," Number One ordered from Grace waiting tables the new shift. He promptly overturned the water over his own head. "I ain't missing this," she explained to Flagg, "but most of the 'Round has the real me pegged as an unfriendly." "You, an unfriendly?" Flagg snapped up this datum. "What kind of Americans do they make in England?" "Bob Hope." "What?" "Never mind." Number One hoped she'd be able to keep this guy around for TDF. That head of his could probably stop a full clip or more before taking damage. First to arrive for the peace conference were Yrcanos with Space Mordred and Space Kay chained together at the ankles. "Three ales, bartender!" Yrcanos bellowed at Adric. Then he bellowed at his prisoners, "What'll *you* have?" "I'd like an herculean iron file," said Mordred. "I don't know of a cocktail called that," said Adric. "Neither do I." "Coming right up." "Two please," said Kay. The tavern filled with its usual Friday crowd of anime, Starfleet and vampire cardsharps - even a few DOCTOR WHO characters - while the captured knights hacked at their manacles under Yrcanos' increasingly oblivious and reddening nose. They had just finished and ordered drinks when the balance of the peace conference arrived. The Doctor(s), Peri, and several KING ARTHUR IN TIME AND SPACE characters entered, with the Valeyard trailing the pack. Mordred and Kay bore down on them immediately, Yrcanos following after a moment waving their broken chains and shouting, "Hey!" "Arthur," Mordred demanded, "what in God's name is going on here?" "Relax," said Arthur. "Have fun with it. It'll do you two good to get away from the endless drudgery of running the kingdom." "'Endless drudgery'?" Kay exclaimed. "Never actually tried it, have you?" Mordred asked. "All will be made clear in time," said Doctor Eight. Since he was wearing his time ring, there was room for most of the party at the round table (sic) where the eight of him usually sat. "Have a seat, pull up a chair," said Doctor Two amiably. The shuffle caught the attention of everyone in the place who hadn't already noticed what was going on. Some of the party still had to stand, including the Valeyard, who Number One noticed was taking the fuss of seating and drink orders with more equanimity that she'd have expected of him. "Where shall we start?" asked Doctor Six, rubbing his hands together. Mordred popped to his feet from his chair. "I'd like an explanation for the surprise attack on the planet Camelot by Krontep forces. I - the prince regent - and the king's seneschal were brought here in chains," which Yrcanos obligingly threw onto the table. "The locale of the incident notwithsanding," put in Merlin - he and Nimue were standing behind Doctor Five's and Peri's seats - "the entire eventstream turns out to be Outside Continuity." "None of it counts in real continuity," Nimue expanded. "Even in TTR continuity, where reality, or at least cause and effect, is up for grabs anyway." To illustrate her point Nimue, who globally replaced Nyssa in one of the author's KAITAS versions of a WHO/TREK crossover, removed a rocket launcher from down the front of her blouse and blew Adric away. "How did she stash that there?" Flagg wondered to Number One after the noise and most of the debris fallout had subsided. "Kept it in all the room her chest doesn't take up?" suggested Number One. "What about the dead knights?" Arthur and Mordred demanded simultaneously. "They caught the same shuttle back I did," said Adric, entering and resuming his place bnehind the bar, with a growl at Nimue; he was supposed to be safe from this sort of thing while working. "What about my dead warriors?" Yrcanos demanded. Adric rolled his eyes. "They're all translated to eternal Ragnarok at Valhalla." The Krontep and British royals resumed their seats, satisfied. "Well." Guenevere objected, "if none of it changed anything, what was the point?" "There is a change," said Arthur quietly. He nodded at Peri. "We've learned that Peri's father was my father." "There's the rub," Doctor Three started, but the Valeyard interrupted. "How can that be? How did a High King of British space in an alternate universe impregnate an earthwoman in the mid 1960s?" Merlin shrugged. "Uther always did get around." "There's a little more going on here than anyone knows," said Doctor One. The Valeyard just shook his head at the dismissal of his inquiry - again, much more subdued behavior than Number One would have expected of him. "I mean," Doctor Seven continued, "the immediate impetus of the attack *seems* to have been an exchange of rude words here at this very table in the 'Round." Doctor Four grinned at Merlin. "A personal insult isn't reallygrounds for one fictional universe to declare war on another, is it?" "The thought was occurred to him," said Arthur blandly. Number One noted the passive voice. "Then what *is* going on here," asked Peri, "and how come I got a father out of it?" "But you see, *that* was the point," said Doctor Eight. He smiled at Peri and suddenly there was only the two of them in the room. "On our very first date [http://members.iglou.com/scarfman/round34.htm] you spoke of your desire to find your father. This was a chance for you to do that." "But it's all Outside Continuity," Peri objected. "But don't you see, that's an advantage, not a disadvantage," Doctor Two insisted. "We needn't stick to this scenario. We can explore lots of scenarios and keep the one you like best." "I'd recommend against this one, actually," Arthur said. "No point in discovering who your father is if he's dead and wasn't someone you'd get on with when he was alive. I know. Plus, classically, my half-sisters are my worst enemies and/or my son's mother and I don't think you're interested in those jobs." "Oh, I don't know," mused Merlin. "There's no less illicit sex in Le Morte d'Arthur than there is in the sort of fanfiction Peri usually appears in." "Oh, don't go impugning her honor again," Guenevere groaned, face in hands. "No offense taken," said Doctor Three. "The illicit sex in Le Morte d'Arthur is all for true love." "But my true love is right here," said Peri, wrapping herself around Doctor Seven's arm. "No thanks," she told Arthur. "Awww," said the room. Since last speaking, the Valeyard had been slowly backing away from the discussion. Now he was passing the booth where Number One and Flagg sat, and Number One poked him as he went by. "You can fight your own battles from now on, twelve-A," she told him. "I can handle what the Brethren throw at me just fine without your lame-ass help." The Valeyard looked at her seemingly without recognition for a moment, though he wasn't unfamiliar with her curse. Then he looked from her to Flagg and back. "Funny villains," he murmurred dismissively, and went out the back exit. "He thought he could fend me off with a crippled mule?" Flagg asked. "We can do it for *you* too," Peri was saying as Number One's attention reverted to the proceedings. "We can search for your father!" Doctor Five's smile seemed a little forced around the edges. "I had rather enought of that in movie screenplay drafts in the 90s. No, no - the whole point of this is that it's a gift from me to you." "I - I don't know what to say," said Peri. "Then *you* needn't say anything, said Doctor Four. Doctor One raised one hand in an obvious signal and when he dropped it, from everyone in the tavern rang out: "Merry Christmas, Peri Prown! "Hark, the herald angels sing Glory to the newborn king! Peace on earth and mercy mild - God and sinners reconciled. Joyful all ye nations rise, Join the triumph in the skies. With the heav'nly host proclaim: Christ is born in Bethlehem. Hark, the herald angels sing Glory to the newborn king." FIN