WHEN THINGS GO WRONG ... 1/1 TTR, the author's Peri arc
by Paul Gadzikowski
Bits of this work may derive from properties of the BBC, Fox,
Paramount, et al., but it's non-profit and in no way intrudes on
their markets.
THIS TIME ROUND concept by Tyler Dion, after Kielle
The character Number One created by BKWillis

Previously in the author's THIS TIME ROUND arc(s): After a surprisingly
nonviolent romance, Peri married all eight Doctors. Meanwhile the Valeyard,
incensed at this author's weekly postings here of "off-topic" KING ARTHUR IN
TIME AND SPACE material, has enlisted BKWillis' author avatar Number One -
who in turn has enlisted Yrcanos - into a plot to trick the Doctors and Peri
into leading Yrcanos' planet of warriors in a war to drive the space Round
Table off the newsgroup ...

The Doctors were well into their evening's argument when the Valeyard
pulled a ninth chair up to their regular table at This Time Round. He had a
history of sitting at their table and pretending he was one of him. They
ignored him as they always did. He waited for a lull.
"You know," he said, "you fellows should really have heard what Merlin
was saying about you in here earlier."
"Oh?" said Doctor Three.
"Said you were self-righteous," the Valeyard pretended to recall.
"Did he?" Doctor Four growled.
"Also egocentric, pompous, pedantic, contrary, sophistic, and an old
windbag," the villain recited eagerly.
"Really?" said Doctor Seven.
"Must've just appeared in a story where he'd got *your* lines," said
Doctor Two to Doctor Six.
"Oh shut up, you self-righteous egocentric pompous pedantic contrary
sophistic old windbag," said Doctor Six.
This argument continued until each of him had had one turn on each end
of the accusation. Then the Doctors went back to ignoring the Valeyard. The
anti-Doctor realized he'd made a mistake. He'd tried to pick an action the
Doctors would find plausible to attribute to Merlin, to drive a wedge
between them and thence between all WHO and all KAITAS. This one was *too*
plausible - it appeared they (including Merlin, who was after all just
another Doctor in his way) called each other names all the time.
The Valeyard was still trying to come up with another plan when Peri
arrived at the 'Round, heading immediately for the Doctors' table. To the
Valeyard's surprise all the Doctors pressed buttons on time rings they were
wearing on their wrists - and all of him but Doctor Five disappeared.
"Hi, hon," said Peri, giving the Doctor a kiss. Except now it was Doctor
One. "What's he doing here?" she asked about the Valeyard.
"Oh, pay him no mind," said the Doctor. But now it was Doctor Eight!
"What's are you doing?" said the Valeyard.
"I'm flirting with my wife," said Doctor Six as Peri sat in his lap.
"Oh, you mean *this*," said Doctor Four, indicating the time ring. "You see,"
Doctor Seven explained, "it's a little overwhelming for a normal human woman
to be in love with someone who's eight people at once."
"Though the night of my birthday was fun," said Peri.
"Early on we realized I'd have to see Peri in tag-team shifts," Doctor
Three went on. "The time ring merely allows me to make those shifts much
finer and more evenly spread out," Doctor Five concluded.
"And *that* isn't even *more* disorienting?" asked the Valeyard.
"Than a whirlwind romance?" giggled Peri, and gave the Doctor a kiss so
long as to cycle through all of him at least once.
The Valeyard was about ready to leave in search of some metaphorical
insulin - perhaps a Tarantino double feature - when Merlin and Nimue sat down
at the table. The Valeyard panicked at the prospect of being found out in his
lies. He quickly left the Doctors' table, but found another seat within
"Hello," said Merlin. After several moments of lack of response he
snorted, "Young lovers."
"I don't miss the sore spots," observed Nimue.
"I thought you spurned Merlin's advances?" asked Peri, having come up
for air.
"In most sources," Nimue allowed. "But it varies, like my name."
"At least I've been able to hold on to the same girl through redaction
after redaction for centuries," said Merlin, sipping his drink. "Your longest
relationship was - what - seventy-eight weekly episodes over three and a half
series was it, that Sarah Jane lasted?"
"Now that's not the same thing at all!" Doctor Three snapped.
"I thought that's what I said," Merlin murmurred.
"You know what I meant!" Doctor Six hissed.
"It's a consistent flaw in your personality," Merlin rambled on. "It's a
fear of settling down, of commitment, obviously."
"Oh, *commitment*," said Peri.
"What of it?" Merlin asked.
"Just that I know of another difference between you and him," Peri said,
holding out her left hand with the wedding band on the fourth finger.
Both Merlin and Nimue turned red. "Well, I never!" cried Merlin, rising.
"I thought that's what I said," Peri murmurred.
Nimue was striding to the exit, cheeks burning. Merlin shouted, "Of
course you know this means war!"
"Bring it on!" Doctor One retorted. "I'll see you and your whole
universe knocked off my newsgroup and back into the inspirational Wasteland
you only escaped on my account in the first place!!"
Merlin huffed inarticulately and followed Nimue out.
"Can we really do that?" Peri asked Doctor Four. "Kick their
self-satisfied butts out?"
"Why not," said Doctor Two, "when you're Queen of a planet full of
proto-Klingons? Let's go talk to Yrcanos."
The Valeyard got up to watch them go out. "Yes! Yes!" he chortled,
pounding the air with his fists. Then, "No! No!"
"Something wrong?" drawled Number One, joining him.
"I was supposed to get to make them fall out!" said the Valeyard in a
crying tantrum. "They weren't supposed to fall out on their own!"
Number One shrugged without sympathy. "Some days you get the bear, some
days the bear gets himself ..."