TO DIE FOR SONGFIC: YOUNG, DUMB, AND UGLY by BKWillis (Music is the tune 'Young, Dumb and Ugly', by Weird Al Yank- ovic.) [SCENE: The WANKERs - Darren, Eric, Tyson, and David - are walking down the streets of the unnamed town down the road from This Time Round. All are swaggering and trying to look cool for the various passers-by and shopkeepers, most of whom shake their heads or stifle laughter at the sight. A hard-rock beat starts playing, and Darren begins to lip-sync (badly) as the sing- ing starts...] o/~ We're dangerous dudes, we got bad attitudes o/~ Most of our brain cells are gone [SCENE: The four are standing in front of a chalkboard which is covered with line after line of complex equations. All are deep in thought and gesturing at a part of the board that cannot be seen due to them standing in front of it. At last, David picks up the chalk and writes something, and the others all smile and pat him on the back. They step back proudly, revealing a completed tic-tac-toe (naughts-and-crosses) game beneath the math.] o/~ We were born to be bad, you better not get us mad o/~ Or we just might toilet paper your lawn [SCENE: The foursome stands in front of a suburban home, throwing onto the lawn roll after roll of toilet paper... toilet paper that is still neatly rolled up and packaged. They run off as the door opens, revealing John Nathan-Turner. JNT looks puzzled, then shrugs and happily gathers up the rolls.] o/~ We got a reputation 'round these parts o/~ We only leave a ten percent tip [SCENE: The four get up from a table in This Time Round, lea- ving a pile of coins on the table. Moments after they walk away, Francois the Ogron walks over and scoops up the money, swiftly counting it in his palm. His expression becomes very grim as he pulls a meat cleaver from his apron and begins walking rapidly in the same direction the WANKERS went.] o/~ Sometimes we don't return our shopping carts o/~ Stay out of our way and don't you give us no lip [SCENE: Diane and Vick3ie of the ADF are standing on the sidewalk chatting as Darren and crew walk up to them. Darren attempts to roughly shoulder them aside, but Diane simply puts a hand on his chest and pushes him into Eric, who falls into the others. All four go down in a heap. The two girls continue their conversation.] o/~ 'Cause we're young... dumb and ugly o/~ That's what we are o/~ We're so young... young, dumb, and ugly [SCENE: The boys continue their triumphal, lip-syncing strut through town. In the background, Adric runs past, pursued by Nyssa, who is wielding a large wooden mallet.] o/~ We wear black leather in the hottest weather o/~ You can't imagine the smell [SCENE: The WANKERs are in their motel room, putting on leather motorcycle jackets. Tyson has his back to the camera, and as he slips his jacket on, the words 'Sad to the Bone' can be seen written on the back of it in metal studs.] o/~ We got three-day stubble, our name spells trouble o/~ T-R-U-B-E-L [SCENE: The boys are sitting at a table, playing Scrabble. Eric leans over and plays the word 'trubel'. The board looks like this: W A N TRAKEN R E Y U R S B SUTTON E A L Tyson starts counting up points.] o/~ Raisin' hell, bendin' the rules just a little o/~ We're livin' only for thrills [SCENE: The view switches rapidly back and forth to show Eric playing a Whack-a-Mole game, David riding on a coin-operated airplane ride in front of a supermarket, Tyson trying (and failing) to play with a paddleball, and Darren engrossed in a movie on TV. An empty videocassette box is next to him, and the title: 'Pippi Longstocking: Director's Cut' can be clearly read.] o/~ We squeeze our toothpaste tubes from the middle o/~ And wait until the last minute to pay our telephone bills [SCENE: The WANKERs are in a line to pay their phone bill. Darren leans arrogantly on the counter as he hands the payment through the cashier's window. He grins and says something to the cashier. The cashier, a young woman, looks disgusted and reaches over the counter, shoving Darren backwards. Darren crashes into Eric, who falls into the other two. All four fall down in a pile, with Tyson on the bottom.] o/~ 'Cause we're young... dumb and ugly o/~ You better believe it o/~ We're young... young, dumb, and ugly [SCENE: The foursome continue to strut down the street, still lip-syncing badly. In the background, Adric runs by, chased by Nyssa, who is in turn being chased by Doug of the ADF.] o/~ I'll tell you again o/~ We're so young... we're so young, dumb, and ugly o/~ We're comin' to your town o/~ Yeah, we're young... young, dumb, and ugly [SCENE: The WANKERs' march continues, as they occasionally raise their fists or make other 'cool' gestures. In the background, Adric runs by (in the opposite direction from the last time), chased by Nyssa, who is being chased by Doug, who is in turn being chased by Number One.] o/~ We're wild, reckless men, we're on a rampage again o/~ We drive with just one hand on the wheel [SCENE: The boys are in their Oldsmobile Omega, Darren driv- ing while the others hang out of the windows screaming and waving. The view pulls back slightly to reveal that they are go- ing about 5 mph. Davros passes them easily in his chair, giving them a two-fingered 'up yours' sign as he goes by.] o/~ Danger's in our soul, we're goin' out of control o/~ Swimmin' right after a big, heavy meal [SCENE: The four stand in a group, eating pizza while propped against a railing overlooking a canal. Ember Ashe (Number One in female form) walks past, and Darren grins and says something to her. She gets an angry look on her face and shoves Darren in the chest. Darren falls backwards into David, who crashes into the other two. All four tumble over the railing and into the can- al.] o/~ We're there wherever trouble's startin' o/~ We're rebels without a clue [SCENE: The WANKERs charge through the door of This Time Round, wielding various blunt instruments. A second later, they run back out in terror, pursued by several gun-toting ADF troopers.] o/~ We drink milk right from the carton o/~ And keep our library books 'til they're way overdue [SCENE: The boys are standing in line in a library, waiting to return their books. Eric has a copy of _Olson's Standard Book of British Birds (Expurgated)_, Tyson has _Who Killed Kennedy_, David has _Beat Bedwetting Through Self-Hypnosis_, and Dar- ren is carrying Dr. Seuss's classic _Green Eggs and Ham_. Dar- ren hands his book to the librarian, a huge female Ogron. The librarian checks the due date and then angrily wallops Darren upside the head with the date stamper.] o/~ 'Cause we're young... dumb and ugly o/~ That's what we are o/~ We're so young... young, dumb, and ugly o/~ You can't stop us [SCENE: The WANKERs' parade through town continues. Be- hind them, Adric runs past, pursued by Nyssa, who is being chased by Doug, who is being chased by Number One, who is now being chased by Catbert waving a large water gun.] o/~ We're young... we're so young, dumb, and ugly o/~ Young, dumb, and ugly o/~ We're young... we're young, dumb, and ugly o/~ So ugly [SCENE: The foursome continues to strut and lip-sync. In the street behind them, Number One runs past, chased by Adric, who is being chased by a water gun-wielding Doug, who is being chased by Nyssa, who is being chased by Catbert. The chase suddenly stops as they all realize something is amiss. There is a brief huddle, then the chase resumes again in its proper order.] o/~ Young... [SCENE: There is a closeup on David and Tyson.] o/~ Dumb... [SCENE: There is a closeup on Eric and Darren.] o/~ And ugly! [SCENE: The WANKERs stand leaning on their car in typical 'cool' poses. As the guitars wail to a climax, Adric runs in and crashes into them, followed by Nyssa, Doug, Number One, and Catbert. All land in a heap as the scene fades to black...] --BKWillis Copyright Notice: Doctor Who is property of the BBC. This Time Round created by Tyler Dion. The Adric Defense Force created by Douglas Killings. Catbert is from 'Dilbert', property of Scott Adams. The song 'Young, Dumb, and Ugly' is property of "Weird Al" Yankovic and Scotti Bros. Records. Story and original characters property of BKWillis.