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CHAPTER 4 BEST COMEDY SHORT FICTION or TIME AFTER TIME WAITS FOR NO MAN ***** CUT TO: [INTERIOR TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM, WIDE VIEW. The room seems empty. Slowly the camera dollies toward the consoles. As it approaches, some small motion is discernable on the consoles. With growing proximity it can be seen that the motion is something small and black bouncing around on a keyboard. By the time the camera is close enough to the console monitor to see the text appearing on it, you can see that the tiny black object is a cockroach.] ARCHY (text appearing on console monitor) hello i am archy the cockroach a free verse poet reincarnated as a cockroach for my sins one can only imagine how i d have wound up if i d written fanfiction instead [As ARCHY continues to type, the console central column starts moving up and down.] the adric award nominees for best short comedy posted to alt.drwho.creative in 2003 are bias what bias by bkwillis [The central column stills and the doors open. The camera moves out the doors and reveals that the TARDIS has landed in a SMALL ROOM atop a tower in the Time Lord Citadel on Gallifrey.] Now Brojennather's eyes swept Teganwards. "Ah, I see. 'Courageous Earthwoman routs alien menace, rescuing Gallifrey from certain annihilation!' It still has quite the ring to it." "Not me, either," Tegan said. She jerked a thumb back at Adric, who was still trying to free himself from the device's complex firing mechanism without spilling the bleach on himself. "He did it. Adric." Brojennather's eyes narrowed slightly. "Oh," he said, rather more coolly. "Him. I understand." And with that, he turned and walked off. ---- "...and in Gallifrey's top story tonight: Bloodthirsty Alzarian madman ruthlessly slaughters ship full of peaceful alien visitors in an act of unprovoked brutality..." [The camera pulls back until the TARDIS doors close. When the console and ARCHY are visible the central column is moving again.] ARCHY (text appearing on console monitor) crossovers from heck ii a lizard of earthsea by graham woodland [The central column stills and the doors open. The camera moves out the doors onto a FAIRLY ILL-DEFINED EXTERIOR LANDSCAPE, where are gathered several humanoids - most sporting goatees - robed in robes and a large draconian being of some kind.] A crow sodded off into the trees at a great rate. As the assorted Masters whipped out their dinky little wands of besmallment from what one sincerely hopes were hip-pockets, Orm Ellian said coolly, "Don't even think about it. Anyway, I've got a proposition for you lads. Tell me, with a whole community of wizards at your beck and call, why don't you just take over the world, steal anything you fancy, and live the life of Reilly?" "Wizards are above such trivial mortal passions," declared the Master Deadly Assassin incorruptibly. His nose fell off again. "Besides," offered the Master Roberts, with great self-possession, "mages are not rulers. When we try it, the unbalanced earth rises up against us, and finds a new Equilibrium a long way under water. At least, that's what happened on Atlantea..." "That was _not_ my fault, vile pretty-boy!" The Master Delgado drew himself up to his full height and sulked mightily. "Roger, whatever," dismissed Orm Ellian. "Looks from your exposition, and the intrusive though technically rather accomplished and ingenious narrative voice, like this is one of those deals where Nature rebels against naughtiness after a while. So, how's about I work with you on a basis for a few... travel spells... so we can all run around and plunder _other_ worlds to our gizzards' content? Stay one step ahead of all the whingey moralistic earth and water stuff, and live by air and fire and looting the way real sophonts should? Go on, you know you want to!" "Well, damned if I don't! "By Segoy, I think she's got it!" "But she's a _girl_!" "I'm not quite dead yet..." "Truly do the chanters praise the wisdom of dragons!" "My nose is bleeding!" "Go for it!" ZAP! And so, after due deliberation and weighing each action nicely in the great Balance, they fell in with the alien warrior-engineer- reptile's suggestion; and they did prosper greatly through their strictly legitimate business activities across divers worlds, except for the ones that snuffed it in the process. Only in silence the word; only in dying life; only in loss great profit. And little more is written of their deeds, because they weren't real scrupulous about the paperwork. == From _A Lizard of Earthsea_, by BKWillis and Ursula K Le Guin. [The camera pulls back until the TARDIS doors close. When the console and Archy are visible the central column is moving again.] ARCHY (text appearing on console monitor) rather be happy than right by paul andinach [The central column stills and the doors open. The camera moves out the doors into the business OFFICE of an executive in the indeterminate future.] Magnus shrugged noncommittally. "I want some answers," he said. "If you answer truly, I will let you live." Crayden laughed. "I judge you to be the kind of man whose 'If you answer truly, I will let you live' is only the first part of a sentence that continues 'after breaking every bone in your body or performing some other painful but nonlethal act that will make you wish with every breath you take that you had chosen death'." Magnus shrugged again. "Make me a better offer," Crayden said. Magnus considered. "I want some answers," he said after a moment. "If I like the answers you give me, you will die quickly and painlessly. If I don't like them, I will let you live - after, of course, breaking every bone in your body or performing some other painful but nonlethal act that will make you wish with every breath you take that you had chosen death." Crayden mentally ran through his options again, and found them unchanged. "Very well," he said. "Where shall we begin?" ---- Varne's frown deepened. "You said you were planning to let Crayden go unharmed if he co-operated." She'd objected, feeling that the potential advantage of a co-operative Crayden who owed them his life was outweighed by the danger of a Crayden with a grudge; it was one of the reasons Magnus had insisted on talking to the man alone. "So I did, and so I was," Magnus said. He grinned wolfishly. "You'll be happy to hear that he talked me out of it." [The camera pulls back until the TARDIS doors close. When the console and Archy are visible the central column is moving again.] ARCHY (text appearing on console monitor) man of the hour by bkwillis [The central column stills and the doors open. The camera moves out the doors, where a group of humanoids in grass and hide clothing are throwing a banquet with an unusual guest of honor.] You know, I think I could get used to this 'hero' thing. == "Speech! Speech! Speech!" they all chant. Oh no. What do I say? It suddenly seems important to me that I say the right things. Something profound, intelligent. Something suited to my station in these people's eyes. I find myself not wanting to disappoint them, but what should I say? It's not like they ever gave us speechmaking lessons in Basic Training. I'm a _fighter_, not a talker. But I have to say _something_. Maybe I can just fall back on instinct, just go with the moment and say what feels right. I look over the crowd, give Tahni a little nod, and give it a go. "EX-TER-MIN-ATE! EX-TER-MIN-ATE!" Damn. Looks like I'll have to work on my verbal skills if I'm really going to make a go of this 'hero' business... [The camera pulls back until the TARDIS doors close. When the console and Archy are visible the central column is moving again.] ARCHY (text appearing on console monitor) time and the cockroach by paul gadzikowski [The central column stills and the doors open. The camera moves out the doors, into a NEWSPAPER BULLPEN occupied solely by a tabby cat and a cockroach cowering safely behind the keys of a typewriter.] only you says i could travel time back to atlantis and overlook the culture and politics of the era for the sake of a little sea serpent with tartar sauce well actually says she it was some sort of state dinner cleopatra was there cleopatra asks i i thought you were cleopatra reincarnated sparks did fly says she i mean literally [The camera pulls back until the TARDIS doors close.] ARCHY (text appearing on console monitor) and the winner is [An envelope appears thrown from offcamera. It lands on the console, on top of ARCHY. It teeters once or twice, then is still. After a lengthy pause,] CUT TO: A placard reading "TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES" [After a fews econds, the placard is replaced by another.] The new placard reads, "Due to unfortunate circumstances, the remainder of this scene could not be filmed as scripted. However, substitutions were made to allow for its completion. The TARDIS setting has been replaced by the director's patio and the character of Archy by the director's second cousin's amateur polka band. We apologize for any inconvenience." CUT TO: [EXTERIOR SUBURBAN HOME, WIDE VIEW. Several heavyset men in German costume are playing 'Beer Barrel Polka'. One of the tuba players sets aside his instrument and picks up a manual typewriter. As the camera zooms in on the paper in it, the man begins slowly pecking out letters. The rest of the band continues playing.] TUBA PLAYER (text appearing on typewriter paper) and the winner is bias what bias by bkwillis hi mom im in a movie ill be famous FADE OUT ***** ---- CHAPTER 5 BEST COMEDY LONG FICTION or YOU ONLY LIVE AND LET DIE LAUGHING He was just attaching the Data Decryptor to the mainframe when the lights came up and he found himself staring down the barrels of several dozen guns, all wielded by largish goons who looked to have the dispositions of, say, rabid dump trucks. "Don't try anything, Han," a voice boomed out. "Or should I say, Agent Han-Tao-El of Her Majesty's Secret Service, also known as Double-Oh-Pi?" Han-Tao-El straightened, keeping his hands away from his guitar. There were too many machine-gun-toting goons for even him to take out, and his enemy was too canny. He gave the man a nod of recognition. "Nyssafeld," he said. "I expecting to find you at bottom of this." Ernst Stavro Nyssafeld smiled evilly, stepping out into the light. His pistol, somewhat to Han's surprise, remained holstered. A white rabbit was cradled in one arm and he idly stroked it with his free hand. "You were clever, Han," Nyssafeld said lightly, "but not clever enough. We saw through your disguise when one of our researchers uncovered the fact that Eddie Van Halen is _not_, in fact, a Chinese Amazon." Three of the goons came forward for Han's weapon and he passed the guitar over without protest. Nyssafeld was in a talkative mood and now might be the best time to pump the criminal mastermind for information. "I suppose you plan kill me, yes Nyssafeld?" he said casually. "But of course, my dear Han. But rest assured it shall be in a most entertaining way. Possibly something with crocodiles; I haven't really decided." "Then is no harm in telling Han-Tao-El what plan is, yes? Not as if I escape and tell anyone." He smiled winningly at his captors. Nyssafeld scratched his brown tresses, considering this. "Hmm... I really should go ahead and kill you without telling. That would be wisest, I think." Han-Tao-El smirked. "Chicken." The fiendish archvillain's hand dropped from the rabbit to the butt of his Luger. "_What_ did you just say?" he hissed. "You _so_ did not call me 'chicken'!" "Chicken," repeated Han-Tao-El, making scratching motions with his feet as the goons cuffed his hands. "Cluck-cluck-cluck! Big chicken! Too afraid to tell helpless and soon-be-dead superspy truth about secret plans!" Nyssafeld purpled in rage. "I'll show you who's chicken! Professor Tendo!" A beautiful Japanese woman in a white lab coat and frilly apron stepped forward. "Yes, evil leader?" she said politely. A nasty grin spread over Nyssafeld's face. "Professor, please show the soon-to-be-late Mr. Han the details of our plan for world domination." "Oh my, certainly." The scientist pulled a remote control out of her apron and used it to turn on a set of ceiling-mounted video monitors. "You see, Mr. Han, our research has discovered that the most powerful force in human behavior is love. However, we couldn't think of a good way to dominate the world with that, so we looked into the second most-powerful force, which is humor. It is possible, we found, to actually cause people to become helpless with laughter in a literal sense." She pressed another button, causing each of the four screens to display a block of text. "Each of these," she explained, "is a piece of comedic fan-fiction. These have been selected as the four most humorous extended stories, or best comedy long fictions, you might say, that we could find. Our research staff is even now in the process of determining by majority vote which of these is the very best." Nyssafeld chuckled sneeringly. "Once we know which of these comedy long fictions is the best, we--" Han cut him off. "You use satellites to broadcast onto all media while jamming all other signals, yes?" A disdainful sniff was Nyssafeld's answer to that. "Please, Mr. Han, you insult my intelligence. There is no need for such expensive toys as satellites and global broadcast jammers. All we have to do is release the story onto the Internet, where it will propagate and spread across the planet without effort. And once the governments of the world are too helpless with the giggles to defend themselves, our special humor-impaired ninjas will swoop in and sieze control! MWAHAHAHA!" "Excuse me," Professor Tendo said to Nyssafeld, "but I was explaining and it isn't polite to interrupt." "I'm sorry, Kasumi," he replied. "I'll let you show our 'guest' some samples of our weaponry and I promise not to interrupt." The scientist smiled. "Thank you, Mr. Nyssafeld." She turned back to face their captive. "Now, Mr. Han, if you would be so kind as to watch the monitors, I'll show you a little excerpt of each one of our potential weapons. I can't show you the entire works, because then you'd become helpless with laughter and that would make torturing you somewhat socially awkward for Mr. Nyssafeld." She pointed at the first monitor. "Here, you see an excerpt from Mr. BKWillis's 'She Talks to Rainbows'..." **** <You heard me, young lady. We have to provide the public with the information they request, but we don't have to like it and we don't have to be helpful about it. Quite frankly, you general-public types are a tremendous annoyance to those of us in Civil Service and if we can't make you go away, we can at least amuse ourselves by making your experience with us as maddening, tedious, and demeaning as possible.> "That's... That's _awful_!" <Sure it is. And it's also true. Would you rather I told you a lie?> "Well..." <At any rate, if you want information from us, you'll have to either come down here and have it transcribed, or send us a money order for the full fee and a notarized request and we'll put you a copy in the mail. Allow four to thirty-three weeks for processing and delivery, assuming we don't -- heh heh -- 'lose' your request.> **** "And on the next monitor, some of Mr. Imran Inayat's 'Story Time! The Princess Bride'..." **** [LEE steps away, draws his sword, practices a few thrusts, then resheathes and peers over the edge again] LEE: Could you move it on a bit? MAN IN BLACK: I _would_, but unfortunately I'm pretty much stuck like this, unless you have a rope, or a tree branch, or _something_ that's gonna get me off this cliff! LEE: Er... well, I've got some rope up here, but I don't think you really want me to help you, 'cause I'm waiting 'round to kill you. MAN IN BLACK: Huh. Well, there goes _that_ plan. [his fingers grab onto another hold a few inches higher] LEE: ...Okay. What if... what if I don't kill you till you reach the top? MAN IN BLACK: ...Well, _that's_ comforting. You'll just have to wait till I, y'know, actually get there. LEE: [mutters] Hate waiting... [thinks, calls down] You could trust me. I'm an American. MAN IN BLACK: [hanging from the cliff] No good. I've met too many Americans. **** "Next is 'Time and the Campions', by Mr. Graham Woodland..." **** "It's simplicity itself," he chuckled to Carrie, as they made their way through the alfresco fancy-dress caperings towards the stately pile. "The very weft of local causality will be working in our favour. What could possibly go wrong now?" His Muse considered this question briefly. "Gross authorial incompetence and insufficient understanding of the Whoniverse; leading to romantic tragedy, paradoxical horror, and/or the return of Nyarlathotep to existence and mastery of local continuity -- all of which will be due to our arrant hubris!" "Yes, but apart from that?" "Oh, apart from that," Carrie agreed, "nothing could go wrong with it at all!" **** "And on the last monitor," said Professor Tendo, "is 'Nyssa's Christmas Carol', by Mr. Daibhid Ceannaideach." **** "Are you the Spirit of Christmas Present?" inquired Nyssa. "*Bob* the Spirit of Christmas Present," the giant corrected her. Nyssa narrowed her eyes. "So you are. Do you *have* to appear in all his stories?" "No, but we needed a big fat man with a beard, and the only one that turned up to the auditions was Sabbath. Daibhid didn't think he was jolly enough." the spirit explained, ignoring the minor detail that, in point of fact, the Author of this tale was not of the opinion Bob was jolly enough either, simply more so than the aforementioned employer of anthropoids. [Muse's Note: Meanwhile the Author neglects to mention that *I'm* of the opinion he's overdoing the /faux/-Dickensian prose ever-so- slightly. And, believe it or not, I *have* managed to get him to tone it down a bit! Anyway...] **** As Han finished reading the last words, three of the monitors went dark, leaving only one still showing its fiendish message. "Oh my," exclaimed Professor Tendo. "It seems as if our researchers have determined which of these is the Best Comedy Long Fiction." "Indeed," hissed Nyssafeld, "and it appears that our weapon shall be 'Story Time! The Princess Bride', by Imran Inayat! Begin preparations to release the story onto the Internet and have our humor-impaired ninjas take position!" Professor Tendo merely waited, an expectant look on her face. Nyssafeld started guiltily. "Er, please," he said, a bit shamefaced. The professor bowed politely. "At once, Mr. Nyssafeld." She strode off, calling for proofreaders. "You not get away with this, Nyssafeld!" Han-Tao-El blustered. Nyssafeld just laughed. "My dear Han, I am _already_ getting away with this. 'Story Time! The Princess Bride, by Imran Inayat' is the Best Comedy Long Fiction, the most powerful humor weapon in our arsenal, and there is nothing you can do to stop me from using it, especially since you'll be too busy being dead and in chunks. Which reminds me, I have something I want to show you..." He clapped his hands and a pair of his goons stepped into the room, leading a stunningly beautiful pink-haired girl in a string bikini and manacles to stand before Nyssafeld. Nyssafeld smirked at the look of horror on Han's face. "That's right, Double-Oh-Pi, I've captured your partner, Agent Lo-Shon, as well. I was going to execute the two of you together, but seeing her like this, I'm inclined to keep her as my personal plaything..." Han-Tao-El seethed and struggled against the guards holding him, but was easily restrained. Which was just as well, because he'd used the distraction to slip one of his surgical-steel guitar picks out of his watchband... Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Epilogue & Credits - Summary
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