[Back at 221B Baker Street. Chantho hands Liz / Sherlock a piece of paper, which she reads.]

Zoë / Mycroft (vo) :
The only men worth considering are Adolph Meyer, of 13 Great George Street, Westminster; Louis La Rothiere, of Campden Mansions, Notting Hill; and Hugo Oberstein, 13 Caulfield Gardens, Kensington. The latter was known to be in town on Monday and is now reported as having left. Glad to hear you have seen some light. The Cabinet...

[Her voice is abruptly cut off as Liz / Sherlock crumples the note up and throws it aside. Liz / Sherlock spreads out a map, spends a few minutes looking at it, and then hurries out.]

Brigadier / Watson (vo) :
Holmes looked up the addresses on a map and then went out to study the lie of the land. I waited all evening, and eventually a note came.

[Chantho comes in, gives the Brigadier a note, and leaves again.]

Liz / Sherlock (vo) :
Am dining at Goldini's Restaurant, Gloucester Road, Kensington. Please come at once and join me there. Bring with you a jemmy, a dark lantern, a chisel, a revolver, some detonating caps, sixty feet of steel cable, the fingerprint powder, a rope ladder, as many neuristors as you can get your hands on...

[The Brigadier / Watson staggers up Gloucester Road, dragging an immensely heavy suitcase. He goes into a restaurant, where Liz / Sherlock is drinking coffee.]

Liz / Sherlock:
Ah, there you are, Watson. I've been investigating 13 Caulfield Gardens. Would you believe it, it backs onto the Underground line and trains often stop outside it for some minutes?

Brigadier / Watson:
Splendid, Holmes! You have got it!

Liz / Sherlock:
I love it when you say that. I took a look round and the spy Oberstein certainly isn't in residence — he must have gone to the Continent with the papers. So we're going to break in and see if we can get some evidence.

[Caulfield Gardens — a mid-Victorian street in the West End of London. Liz / Sherlock and the Brigadier / Watson (still dragging the suitcase) arrive outside number 13.]

Liz / Sherlock:
I think we'd be better off trying to break into the basement than the front door. Let's climb over the railings.

[She does so. With a supreme effort, the Brigadier lifts the suitcase over and then joins her. They make their way to the basement door.]

Brigadier / Watson:
Do you want the jemmy?

Liz / Sherlock:
I'll give this a try first.

[She pulls out her sonic screwdriver and gives the door a quick burst. It flies open.]

Liz / Sherlock:
Right, in we go.

Brigadier / Watson:
Hang on, you got me to lug this suitcase all the way here and now you don't need it?

Liz / Sherlock:
Actually, I think we do. Can you get the dark-lantern out, please?

Brigadier / Watson:
You were lucky there. If you'd said you didn't I'd have been tempted to deck you.

[They ascend the back stairs, and arrive at a window.]

Liz / Sherlock:
Here we are, Watson — this must be the one.

[She opens the window. We hear the sound of a steam train passing, and clouds of thick black smoke roll in. For about a minute nothing is visible in the smoke, and all that can be heard is coughing.]

[The Brigadier / Watson emerges from the smoke, eyes streaming.]

Brigadier / Watson:
Holmes, please don't do that again.

[Liz / Sherlock also emerges from the smoke, wiping soot off her face.]

Liz / Sherlock:
I think we can take it as read that you could get the body onto the roof of the train from here. [She indicates a mark on the window sill.] Look, a bloodstain. What do you think of it, Watson?

Brigadier / Watson:
A masterpiece. You have never risen to a greater height.

"Why doeth he say it'th a mathterpieth when it'th jutht a red blob on the windowthill?" Rose asked. "When I paint the windowthill you make me clear it up."

The two little Romanas exchanged eyerolls. Izzy tested her voice, found it working, and pre-empted them.

"The bloodstain isn't a masterpiece by itself, Rose," she said reasonably. "But it proves that Sherlock Holmes made the right guess about which house the murder happened in."

Liz / Sherlock:
Right, let's search the house.

[A brief montage of the pair of them, turning out drawer after drawer and cupboard after cupboard. Then we see them sitting on the floor, exhausted, with huge amounts of paper, upturned boxes, etc. scattered all around them.]

Liz / Sherlock:
He's covered his tracks. There's no incriminating evidence in any of this.

Brigadier / Watson:
We haven't searched this yet. [He holds up a cash-box.] It was on the desk.

[Liz / Sherlock takes it, and sonics it open.]

Liz / Sherlock:
Let's see. A lot of figures involving the Locke derivation of Blackett's equations, and — ah, what's this? Some newspaper cuttings.

[She hands them to the Brigadier / Watson, who looks at them.]

Delgado Master [vo, and accompanied by the appropriate musical sting] :
Will pay anybody five pounds to remove a piano from one room to another.

Liz / Sherlock:
The other side.

Brigadier / Watson:
"Monday night after nine. Two taps. Only ourselves. Do not be so suspicious. Payment in hard cash when goods delivered. Pierrot." Frankly, I think the piano-moving one made more sense.

Liz / Sherlock:
Well, assuming Oberstein put these in to make an appointment with the traitor, we should be able to make some use of it. Let's call in at the offices of the Daily Telegraph, and then get a good night's sleep.

[221B Baker Street, the following morning. Liz / Sherlock, the Brigadier / Watson, Zoë / Mycroft and Jamie / Lestrade are all present.]

Liz / Sherlock:
What do you think of it, Mycroft?

Zoë / Mycroft:
It was awfully convenient of Oberstein to leave those newspaper cuttings for you to find, wasn't it, after he'd made sure to remove anything else that might incriminate him?

Liz / Sherlock:
Isn't sibling rivalry a terrible thing? Just because I was the one who solved it and you weren't.

Zoë / Mycroft:
Admit it, you got there by sheer dumb luck.

Izzy / Narrator:
I've warned you two once already.

Liz / Sherlock:
Er, have you seen Pierrot's advertisement today?

Jamie / Lestrade:
What, another one? [He picks up the paper.]

Ainley Master (vo) :
Author of sea stories will pay five thousand pounds...

Liz / Sherlock:
The other page.

Jamie / Lestrade:
Oh. "Tonight. Same hour. Same place. Two taps. Most vitally important. Your own safety at stake. Pierrot." If he answers that, we've got him.

Liz / Sherlock:
That's why I put it in. See you all tonight at Caulfield Gardens - shall we say at 8pm?

[Outside Caulfield Gardens again.]

Brigadier / Watson (vo) :
It was necessary for me, as Mycroft Holmes absolutely and indignantly refused to climb the railings, to pass in and open the hall door.

Zoë / Mycroft:
I don't see why. They don't look too hard to climb over.

Izzy / Narrator:
Because. You. Are. Supposed. To. Be. Obese.

Zoë / Mycroft:
Sorry. Must have forgotten. Did I mention people keep erasing my memory?

[The Brigadier / Watson opens the door and lets the others in.]

Brigadier / Watson (vo) :
By nine o'clock we were all seated in the study, waiting for our man. An hour passed and yet another.

[A church clock strikes eleven.]

Brigadier / Watson (vo) :
Lestrade and Mycroft were fidgeting in their seats and looking twice a minute at their watches. Holmes sat silent and composed.

Liz / Sherlock:
He is coming.

[Someone knocks twice on the door. Liz goes out to answer it.]

Liz / Sherlock (off) :
This way.

[The Karkus enters, with Liz behind. She shuts and locks the door.]

Karkus:
Vot is ze meaning of zis?

Zoë / Mycroft:
This is going to be easy. Stand back, everyone.

[She leaps up, grabs him by the wrist and attempts to throw him to the ground.]

Karkus:
Hai!

[He breaks free and throws her into a corner, smashing several occasional tables en route.]

Zoë:
Oh, nutbunnies. I suppose Mycroft doesn't know judo either.

Liz:
But Sherlock does know Baritsu. Watch and learn, "brother".

[The Brigadier / Watson and Liz / Sherlock attempt to grab the Karkus by his arms.]

Karkus:
Hai!

[They are likewise thrown into the corner, sending more occasional tables, vases, chairs etc. flying, and landing on top of Zoë.]

Karkus [striding over to them] :
Now, ve vill see vot you haf to say for yourselfs...

[Jamie / Lestrade smashes a valuable porcelain statuette over his head. He collapses. Jamie then helps the other three disentangle themselves from each other and the wrecked furniture.]

Zoë / Mycroft [rubbing her bruises] :
Ow. You know, I don't think he's the Karkus at all.

Liz / Sherlock [likewise] :
Me neither. Let's see who he really is under his mask, shall we?

[They pull off the Karkus's mask, revealing the familiar features of... the Third Doctor!]

Brigadier / Watson:
Venusian Aikido. I should have known.

Liz / Sherlock:
You can write me down an ass this time, Watson. This was not the bird I was looking for.

Zoë / Mycroft [sympathetically] :
Well, never mind, Sherlock. It can't be old Mr. Tod the caretaker from the carnival every time. Who's he supposed to be?

Liz / Sherlock:
The brother of the head of the Submarine Department. He's coming to. We'd better restrain him before he tries anything else.

[The Brigadier / Watson opens his suitcase, produces a pair of handcuffs, and slaps them on the Doctor's wrists.]

Brigadier / Watson (vo) :
In a few moments our prisoner recovered consciousness.

Doctor / Col. Walter:
What is this?

Liz / Sherlock:
Everything is known. How an English — er — Gallifreyan gentleman could behave in such a manner is beyond my comprehension.

Doctor:
And mine. I don't know how I get cast in such things. Let alone having to wear purple tights, and don't get me started on the false beard. As I was saying to Napoleon the other day...

Izzy / Narrator:
That may be, but you've got this part now and you're going to play it properly.

Liz / Sherlock:
Now, let's hear your confession.

Doctor / Col. Walter:
Or what?

Jamie / Lestrade:
Or ye'll fall down the stairs a few times on the way to the cells, ye ken?

Liz / Sherlock:
I assure you that every essential is already known.

[Flashback begins. The Third Doctor, dressed as the Karkus, creeps nervously along the foggy streets.]

Liz / Sherlock (vo) :
We are aware that you were pressed for money, entered into a correspondence with Oberstein, went down to the office in the fog on Monday night, stole the plans...

[As we saw previously, except the Third Doctor sonics the safe open rather than using the disintegrator.]

Liz / Sherlock (vo) :
But you were seen and followed by young Cadogan West, who had probably some previous reason to suspect you. He followed you to this very house, and that's where you killed him.

[Flashback ends.]

Doctor / Col. Walter:
I swear I didn't!

Liz / Sherlock:
Then what really happened?

Doctor / Col. Walter:
I didn't realise I was being followed until I'd got here and Oberstein had opened the door to me. The young man rushed up and demanded to know what we were going to do with the papers. As he tried to force his way in, Oberstein bludgeoned him. He was dead within five minutes. We were at our wit's end until he had the idea about putting the corpse on the roof of a train. But first he examined the papers, and said he had to keep three of them. I said they all had to be returned by morning. In the end we agreed to stick the unimportant ones on the body, so West would be the one who got the blame. That's all I know.

Jamie / Lestrade:
Hang on, that's almost exactly what I said happened in the first place.

Zoë / Mycroft:
Look what you've done now. He'll be insufferable for weeks. Where did Oberstein go?

Doctor / Col. Walter:
I don't know.

Zoë / Mycroft:
Didn't he leave a forwarding address?

Doctor / Col. Walter:
The Hotel du Louvre, Paris.

Liz / Sherlock:
In that case, write the following letter to him.

Doctor / Col. Walter:
Er, could you take off the handcuffs?

Liz / Sherlock:
Sorry, you'll just have to manage as best you can. "Dear Sir, you will no doubt have observed that one essential detail is missing. I have a tracing which will make it complete. Meet me in the smoking room of the Charing Cross Hotel with five hundred pounds in gold..."

[Fade out.]

[The smoking room of the Charing Cross Hotel. Our four protagonists are sitting at various tables, concealed behind newspapers. There are various other people present, and they're all behind newspapers as well.

Harry Sullivan enters, and sits. Jo, dressed as a waitress, approaches him.]

Jo:
Excuse me, are you a spy here to meet Colonel Valentine Walter?

Harry / Oberstein:
Well, yes, but don't tell anyone, it's supposed to be a secret. Did he leave a message for me or something?

Jo:
Yes. You're nicked!

[She handcuffs him. Jamie / Lestrade puts down his newspaper and joins her.]

Jamie / Lestrade:
You're under arrest for espionage and murder.

Harry / Oberstein:
It's a fair cop. You got me bang to rights.

[Harry is led away by Chancellery guards.]

Brigadier / Watson (vo) :
We found the missing plans in his trunk. Oberstein got fifteen years in prison.

Zoë:
Hang on a moment.

[She puts down her newspaper, and stands.]

Zoë:
How come, if Oberstein was guilty of murder, he only got a prison sentence and wasn't executed?

[Liz also puts down her newspaper and stands.]

Liz:
You can't bear it, can you? Face it, I solved this case and you didn't.

Zoë:
You only solved it because the author was helping you every step of the way.

Liz:
That's how a Sherlock Holmes story works. You should have thought of that before you did whatever you did to get the part of Mycroft. Is your education not enough to give you common sense?

Zoë [with a mirthless laugh] :
Common sense? To face you? Who let the Doctor bamboozle you in half the stories you were in? "Elizabeth the Gullible" I call you!

Liz [with a mirthless laugh] :
What care I for the words of a half-wit, who screams at the slightest provocation?

[The two of them solemnly hold up huge broadswords that they have produced from somewhere, and begin to advance on each other.]

Izzy / Narrator:
Stop!

To her surprise, she'd been able to shout. And loud enough to shock the children, too. These pills were obviously quite the thing.

[Liz and Zoë stop.]

Izzy / Narrator:
Right, you two. First off, you don't have swords.

[The swords vanish. Liz and Zoë shrug, and produce daggers.]

Izzy / Narrator:
Or daggers. [The daggers vanish; they produce spears.] Or spears. [And so on.] Or morningstars. Or maces. Or phased plasma rifles. Or Lovely Heart Spirit Wands. I've had enough of this behaviour. Straight after the story you'll both be spending half an hour in the Naughty Corner.

[Another customer suddenly puts down his newspaper, and produces a pair of opera glasses. It's the Bradleyard.]

Izzy / Narrator:
And I didn't mean that either!

An idea struck her. There would be a certain element of risk, but in this creche risks were unavoidable.

Izzy / Narrator:
Bradleyard, why don't you write us an alternate ending for this story?

Bradleyard:
Can it be true? A writing commission? Fame! Power! Money! Lydia, bring me my pen and my notebook at once!

[Lydia slowly materialises beside him in a whirl of impressive CGI.]

Lydia [as she appears] :
Where'er ye shed the honey, the buzzing flies will crowd;
Where'er ye fling the carrion, the raven's croak is loud;
Where'er down Tiber garbage floats, the greedy pike ye see;
And wheresoe'er such lord is found, such client still will be.

Izzy / Narrator:
Yes, very good, but we're not doing Macaulay this week.

[The Bradleyard seizes his pen and notebook from Lydia, and starts scribbling at impossibly high speed, while Lydia looks over his shoulder.]

Lydia:
I'm impressed. That's the most he's ever written in one go.

[The Bradleyard finishes writing.]

Bradleyard:
Behold! My Magnus Opera!

Lydia:
I do hope you mean magnum opus, or we'll never hear the last of it from Varne.

[She takes the notebook and reads it.]

Lydia:
Aha. No wonder he found it so easy to write. This is what happened in the video he was watching last night, only with the names changed.

Izzy / Narrator:
Sounds like any other Storytime this author's written.

Lydia:
Maybe not. You haven't read this.

Izzy / Narrator:
Let's have it, then.

[The notebook disappears.]

Izzy / Narrator:
I see what you mean. Liz and Zoë, a choice lies before you. Conan Doyle or Bradleyard?

Liz
You're bluffing. You wouldn't dare to read what he's written, with children listening.

Izzy / Narrator:
"Zoë gazes spellbound into Elizabeth's dark eyes."

Zoë [in a voice completely unlike her normal one] :
"Hey, babe, why don't we take all our clothes —"

[With a visible effort, she manages to break off, looking queasy.]

Izzy / Narrator:
I shall ask you once more. Conan Doyle or Bradleyard?

Liz and Zoë:
Conan Doyle!

Izzy / Narrator:
And I hope you've both learned an important lesson.

[The Bradleyard's notebook appears in Liz's hands. She reads it and passes it to Zoë. Both go pale and sit down hastily.]

Izzy / Narrator:
Thank you, Bradleyard. Here's sixpence for your trouble.

[The Bradleyard seems inclined to protest at this cavalier treatment of his deathless prose, but Lydia grabs the money and drags him away.]

Izzy / Narrator:
Carry on, Brigadier.

Brigadier / Watson (vo) :
Colonel Walter died in prison towards the second year of his sentence.

[The Third Doctor regenerates into the Fourth, who sits up and grins cheerfully.]

Fourth Doctor:
Suspended? Me? Hah! In your dreams, Brigadier.

Brigadier / Watson (vo) :
And Holmes got to spend a day at Windsor, whence he returned with a remarkably fine emerald tie-pin.

[Windsor Castle. Samantha Briggs / Queen Victoria hands a small jewellery box to Liz / Sherlock.]

Samantha / Queen:
Here you go, love, and if you pawn it don't spend the money on drink.

Izzy / Narrator:
And everyone else lived happily ever after.

"Even Violet?" asked Leela.

"Yes, even Violet," Izzy replied.

"When she made no effort to avenge her betrothed one? She did not try to cut out the murderer's heart, or even to slit his throat?"

"Or take his bwain out," added Nyssa plaintively.

Some people, it seemed, were never satisfied.

John Elliott