“Rad-wah. We’re on Rad-wah…”
Eloise was feeling very worried. All sorts of dangerous creatures might find them here… Flamers, Trolls, Spammers… even the terrifying creature that was spoken of only as “Azaxyr”…
The Doctors had gone into a huddle, some of the guests were starting to get antsy… Things were getting worse by the moment.
But this gave her a chance to hop over to Compassion, now currently alone, and ask her a question that had been nagging her.
“Ahem… Compassion, what’s the problem with your Doctor? He seems to get… snappy whenever someone tries to get you alone…”
Compassion sighed. “To be honest… I don’t know. I think, at the moment… it’s partly that he doesn’t want me to reveal what I am, for fear of the Time Lords of our era, and maybe that… he doesn’t want to lose another TARDIS, in any sense. Though…” She cocked her head. “…he’s difficult for even me to understand…”
“But… you’re his TARDIS. And his companion. You should know him better than anyone…”
“Do you know how much your TARDIS knows about you?” Compassion said. “From what she’s told me, she doesn’t know you as well as she would prefer…”
“Okay…” the eighth Doctor said to himselves. “Lord Gallifrijan…”
“Yes, my boy…” his first self frowned. “He seems… familiar, somehow.”
“He was able to pinpoint a Goddess, he knew what Compassion was, and that she was time-sensitive…” the fifth muttered.
“I remember his voice from somewhere… and he knows what a TARDIS is,” the sixth added. He paused. “And he also knows our hostess’ Earth identity.”
The sixth and eighth Doctors both gasped. “Him!”
“You know the fellow?” the third Doctor asked.
“Oh yes…” the eighth murmured. “Oh yes…”
“It would have to be him…” the sixth said angrily. “He, more than anyone else, would want to interfere… And he, more than anyone else, would want to bring down the Pro-Fun Trolls…”
The fourth Doctor frowned. “But who is he?”
The eighth Doctor paused, considering how much he could tell his predecessors. “We first meet him in our sixth incarnation, and then… he wanted to claim our remaining lives. He is, or was, a Gallifreyan High Prosecutor. But he prefers the title that goes with the office…”
“Valeyard…” the sixth said, treating the word as an expletive.
“Whomever he is,” the fourth said, “we have to find a way back to Gallifrey, and stop him.”
“Difficult…” the eighth murmured. “Even if Compassion could let us in, there’s still the matter of the Randomiser I fitted her with…”
The fourth blinked. “Why did you do that?”
“It’s a long story,” the eighth said, “and we don’t have time for it now. We need to find another way. We cannot let Seven face him alone…” He clicked his fingers. “Subreality! Of course, of course…” He whirled round, and ran over to Eloise. “Quickly… This may be our only chance of getting out of here. Where’s Ana?”
Eloise looked around. “I can’t see her around… Why?”
“Because she’s a writer,” the Doctor gabbled, “and in Subreality, writers can do anything…” He trailed off. “If they have something to write with…”
“Well…” ventured the troll, “if I’m not mistaken, both Rad-wah and Subreality are in a region of the universe outside the theoretical eleven dimensions, in a special sort of space called ‘Cyber’…”
“I never did understand about cyberspace…” the fifth Doctor said.
“Oh,” said the fourth, with a shrug, “well, who does?”
The eighth whistled nonchalantly. Well, there was that encounter with Alan Turing… (Of course, it hadn’t happened yet, but still…)
“Anyway,” Eloise continued, “We might not need a TARDIS, after all – at least, for travel,” she added quickly, seeing a hurt look creep into Compassion’s eyes. “The unique thing about Cyberspace is that – theoretically, at least – all points within it are connected by special wormholes called ‘links’. If we had access to a link connecting with Subreality, we might be able to contact Ana directly…”
She paused, considering the implications of this. “So that’s what the Valeyard is after… He wants to tear the fabric of the Cyber-Web, destroying a whole sub-universe! No wonder Eris is taking this so personally… There are some who believe that Cyberspace is Eris’ own creation.”
“My dear lady,” the third Doctor said, “there’s something you’ve overlooked. Many Pro-Fun Trolls also visit Cyberspace.”
“My dear Doctor,” the troll interjected, “I do more than visit Cyberspace… I was born here – right here on Rad-wah.” She gazed off into the distance, wistfully. “Over yonder, in the valley between those two mountains, there’s a lovely arching bridge that provides perfect shelter from the rain…” She snapped out of her reverie. “All trolls, pro-fun and nasty, are born in Cyberspace, and then, sometimes, we move to dimensional space, and make our homes on the mundane planets…”
“And support Fun throughout the Universe…” finished the first Doctor.
“Sounds familiar, doesn’t it…” the eighth remarked, with a tiny smile.
The sixth grimaced. “Please… not the meteor shower again…”
“Were the Valeyard to succeed in his plans,” the third Doctor continued, “the Pro-Fun movement would be set back many decades, as the majority of Pro-Fun Trolls were driven back into hiding, and the Troller and Flamer population would increase a thousandfold…”
“And,” the eighth interjected, “if he succeeds, he may unleash something yet more terrible than the Azaxyr…” He shuddered. “A terrible creature that dwells outside any known dimensions, known as… the Christmas Squid…” He paused. “And I’m afraid that one of its suckers may already have reached Gallifrey. I knew I’d seen that artifact somewhere before… That’s why Seventh can’t go up against them alone – I was the first to learn the Squid existed…”
Inspired, Eloise began to plan a course of action. “Compassion, can you get a message to Snarky? If there’s anyone who can stand up to the Valeyard, it would be a Demon of Mockery, especially in its Snark incarnation.”
A tiny smile passed across Compassion’s face. “That shouldn’t be a problem…”
Turn inside.
This is the disturbing, Lovecraftian console room of the first, and so far only, Type 102 TARDIS in existence.
But you can call her Compassion.
“Snarky?” Compassion’s voice echoes through her console room. “Could you push that lever to your left, please?”
Snarky does so.
Compassion’s audio system starts playing “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”.
“Not quite the effect I was looking for…” Compassion’s disembodied voice says. “Oh well… Snarky, listen…”