Storytime! The Haunted Hotel

"HALT," the nearest Dalek commanded. "IDENTIFY YOURSELF."

"I'm only here to look at the drains, guv," replied the stooped, whiskery visitor.

"OPEN YOUR BAG AND SUBMIT TO INSPECTION."

The workman did as he was bidden.

"Blimey, mate," he muttered, as the Daleks rummaged among his tools. "You're strict around here."

"YOU MAY PASS."

Touching his cap, the figure shuffled into the crêche. As soon as he was out of the Daleks' line of vision, he carefully placed his bag and overcoat on the floor, removed his rubber mask, and produced a bulky volume from one of his dimensionally transcendent pockets.

Izzy might have come to an accommodation with his most recent self, but the Delgado Master had a different purpose in mind. The toddlers were to be introduced to proper literature by whatever means he deemed necessary.

Delgado Master / Narrator [vo] :
In the year 1860, the reputation of Doctor Wybrow as a London physician reached its height...

[A house in Harley Street. The Shalka Doctor is sitting at a dining table, relaxing after his lunch. The android Master enters.]

Android Master / Servant :
My first trip out of the TARDIS, and I end up playing your butler.

Doctor :
So who are you going to blame for that? Your earlier self?

Android Master / Servant :
That's what makes it so infuriating. Anyway, yet another young human female has arrived insisting on a consultation. I can't imagine what they all see in you.

Doctor :
I presume you told her we were closed and she should come back tomorrow?

Android Master / Servant :
Of course. And she said she wouldn't go. I do so dislike the clingy ones.

Doctor :
I haven't got time for this. You go and distract her while I sneak out the back way.

Android Master / Servant :
Ah, what it is to be the answer to the maiden's prayer.

[They tiptoe into the hall. But to no avail. Countess Narona, as portrayed by Gwendoline Pritchard from 'Ghost Light', is waiting for them.]

Gwendoline / Countess :
You have comforted many miserable women in your time...

Android Master / Servant :
More than you can possibly imagine, madam.

Gwendoline / Countess :
Comfort one more, today.

Android Master / Servant :
Now there's an offer he won't refuse.

Doctor :
Thank you, Thomas. That will be all.

Android Master / Servant :
I somehow doubt that.

[He leaves. The Countess takes hold of the Doctor's arm, and pretty much drags him into the consulting room.]

Doctor :
Take a seat. [The Countess does so.] Now then, what seems to be the trouble?

Gwendoline / Countess :
I want to know if I'm in danger of going mad.

Doctor :
I am at your disposal. Let me try if I can find out what is the matter with you. Go behind that screen and take your clothes off.

[They disappear behind the screen.]

Delgado Master / Narrator [vo] :
With the admirable patience and devotion to his art which had distinguished him from the time when he was a student, he subjected her to one test after another.

Doctor's voice :
Does it hurt if I do this?

Gwendoline's voice :
Ouch!

Doctor's voice :
Good, good.

Delgado Master / Narrator [vo] :
The result was always the same.

Doctor's voice :
How about this?

Gwendoline's voice :
Ouch!

Doctor's voice :
Splendid.

Delgado Master / Narrator [vo] :
There was not even a perceptible derangement of the nervous system.

[The Doctor and the Countess emerge, looking as neat and tidy as when they went in.]

Doctor :
There is nothing in the least wrong with you. Well, except for a sizable contusion on your head, scratches on your arms, and if I didn't know better I'd be prepared to swear someone had bitten you. But there's supposed to be nothing wrong with you at all.

Gwendoline / Countess :
So much for the medical profession.

Doctor :
What made you think you were going mad, anyway?

Gwendoline / Countess :
If I tell you, will you keep it in confidence?

Doctor [crossing his fingers behind his back] :
It will go no further than these four walls.

Gwendoline / Countess :
I will do my best to content you.

Doctor :
That's what they all say.

Gwendoline / Countess :
I am a widow. I am shortly to be married again. But my approaching marriage has one embarrassing circumstance connected with it.

Doctor :
Yes, yes. Get on with it.

Gwendoline / Countess :
Some time after my fiancé proposed to me, I discovered that he'd already been engaged, to his cousin. When I found out, I was furious. But by then there wasn't any chance that she'd have him back, so I thought I might as well go through with it.

[The Doctor glances at his watch and yawns.]

Gwendoline / Countess :
Yesterday I was among the visitors at one of your English luncheon parties. A lady, a perfect stranger to me, came in late, and we were presented to each other...

[Flashback: A drawing room, populated by various Doctor Who and Torchwood characters. Barbara is introducing the two women.]

Barbara / Hostess :
Countess Narona, Miss Agnes Lockwood. Miss Lockwood, Countess—

Ace / Agnes :
Hang on. You're the scumbag who nicked my boyfriend!

[She launches herself at Gwendoline. The two fall to the floor, struggling furiously. A small group gathers round them, chanting "Fight! Fight!"]

Delgado Master / Narrator [vo] :
That is not what the story says happened.

Captain Jack [among the onlookers] :
Yeah, but I'm not complaining.

Owen Harper [likewise] :
Nor me.

[Agnes manages to disengage. As the Countess charges at her she snatches a vase from an occasional table, and smashes it over the Countess's head. The Countess collapses into a chair.]

Ace / Agnes [with mordant sarcasm] :
I am afraid the heat of the room is too much for you. Will you try my smelling bottle?

Gwendoline / Countess :
Drop dead.

Ace / Agnes :
I could shove it up your—

Gwendoline / Countess [vo, hastily] :
I remember nothing else — I fainted. When I recovered my senses, the company had all gone; only the lady of the house was with me.

[Barbara is now standing over the Countess.]

Barbara [icily furious] :
You had better have a very good explanation for this.

Gwendoline / Countess [vo] :
As soon I could speak, I implored her to tell me the whole truth about the woman whom I had supplanted. The lady knew her positively to be as good, as innocent, as incapable of hating anybody, as the greatest saint that ever lived.

Barbara :
When I catch her, I'll make her wish she'd never been born. Now get out.

[The flashback ends.]

Doctor :
So, you are terrified of this woman, because you believe she is destined to be the evil genius of your life?

Gwendoline / Countess :
Well, yes. [She rubs her arm.] And she has a mean right hook. Anyway, do you think I'm mad to believe such a thing?

Doctor :
No. There's nothing wrong with you. Now stop wasting my time.

Gwendoline / Countess :
Let the end come. I have done with the struggle. I submit.

[She dons a veil, and leaves. The android Master enters.]

Android Master / Servant :
Were you able to satisfy her?

Doctor :
Follow her home and find out her name.

Android Master / Servant [raising his eyebrows] :
Oho. You've got it badly this time.

[He bows and departs.]

Delgado Master / Narrator [vo] :
The Doctor went off to do his rounds. And made a terrible job of it, too. When he came back, his servant had returned.

Android Master / Servant :
The lady's name is the Countess Narona. She likes movie, comma, shopping. She claims to have a good sense of humour. She lives at—

Doctor :
That'll do.

Android Master / Servant :
Do you dine at home today, sir?

Doctor :
No. I shall dine at my club.

[He stalks out.]

Android Master / Servant :
Tch, tch. Will he never learn?

Delgado Master / Narrator [vo] :
The Doctor went to his club and asked his friends what they knew about the Countess. Everyone there had something to say, and nearly all of it was bad...

[The smoking room of a Victorian club. Everyone there is a Doctor.]

First Doctor :
She says she's from Dalmatia. No-one knows if that's true.

Movie Doctor :
She goes around with a gambler called Baron Rivar. She says he's her brother. No-one knows if that's true either.

Seventh Doctor :
It's said that she was nearly put on trial in Vienna for poisoning.

Tenth Doctor :
I heard that at Milan they were sure she was an Austrian spy.

Culshaw Doctor :
The police investigated her apartment in Paris and found it was being used as a casino.

Fifth Doctor :
I think you're all being very mean to the poor woman.

Sixth Doctor :
Yes, well, you would say that, wouldn't you? What d'you think of this marriage she's getting into?

Shalka Doctor :
Oh, who's she marrying?

Ninth Doctor :
You don't know? You must be the only person in London who doesn't. Herbert Westwick, First Baron Montbarry.

Delgado Master / Narrator [vo] :
And he went on to describe all of Lord Montbarry's family as well. We can leave them till later. The woman deserted by Lord Montbarry turned out to be called Agnes Lockwood. Everyone said that she was much younger and better-looking than the Countess and didn't see what Lord Montbarry thought he was playing at.

And then, a member of the club entered whose appearance instantly produced a dead silence.

[Harry Sullivan / Henry Westwick enters. The silence is not so much dead, as shocked.]

Fourth Doctor :
Harry's playing the hero? Ha! This book's obviously gone completely round the twist.

Sixth Doctor :
Can he meet any dangerous situation with a light-hearted quip? I think not.

Eighth Doctor :
Can he keep his head in a crisis?

Tenth Doctor :
Can he save the world with just a bag of peanuts and a tea-cosy?

Seventh Doctor :
Can he construct a plan so deeply-laid, so subtle, so far-reaching—

Delgado Master / Narrator [vo] :
I shouldn't worry. He doesn't have to do any of those things, and nor do the rest of you. Everyone in this story is a pawn in the hands of fate and fulfils their destiny whether they want to or not. Now get on with it.

Harry / Henry :
Oh. Ah, yes. You must be talking about my brother's marriage. Don't worry, you can say what you like about him. To be blunt, I think he's a bit of a rotter.[He looks around.] Sorry, was that too strong?

Second Doctor :
No, I think we all agree with you there.

[There are general nods of agreement.]

Fifth Doctor :
I don't. Why shouldn't they marry? It can't be for his money. Everyone knows his estate's entailed.

Harry / Henry :
Oh, well, when you put it like that, I suppose...

Fourth Doctor [with a meaningful look] :
Surely there are other ways to profit from the marriage?

Harry / Henry :
Are there? I hadn't...

Fourth Doctor [with an even more meaningful look] :
Life insurance, for example?

Harry / Henry :
Ah. Yes. Do you know, I'd forgotten. My brother's life is insured for ten thousand pounds, and if he dies the Countess gets the lot.

Fifth Doctor :
But surely the Countess herself didn't make that a condition of the marriage?

Harry / Henry :
No, she didn't. Well, that's all right, then.

Ninth Doctor [through gritted teeth] :
Then who did?

Harry / Henry :
It was her brother. Nice chap, you know.

Delgado Master / Narrator [vo] :
After that, there was no more to be said. The talk flowed into other channels, and the Doctor went home. But this morbid curiosity about the Countess was not set at rest yet.

[Doctor Wybrow's surgery, evening. The Shalka Doctor enters.]

Android Master :
Welcome back, sir. And how goes our obsessive stalking campaign today?

Shalka Doctor :
I asked at the club again. No-one's heard anything more.

Android Master :
Then they are still to marry next week at the chapel in Spanish Place?

Shalka Doctor :
Yes. [He sighs.] Get me a double brandy.

Android Master :
Very good, sir.

Delgado Master / Narrator [vo] :
On the day of the wedding, he slipped away secretly to see the marriage.

[The chapel in Spanish Place. Some of the other Doctors are there, and a few cat-nuns.]

Delgado Master / Narrator [vo] :
Four persons only stood before the altar — the bride and bridegroom and their two witnesses. One of these last was an elderly woman, who might have been the Countess's companion or maid;

[She is, of course, played by Lady Pritchard.]

Delgado Master / Narrator [vo] :
The other was undoubtedly her brother, Baron Rivar.

[Who is played by the Ainley Master.]

Delgado Master / Narrator [vo] :
Lord Montbarry, personally viewed, was a middle-aged military man of the ordinary type.

[To whit, Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart, looking as he did in 'Battlefield'.]

Delgado Master / Narrator [vo] :
Even the officiating priest was only a harmless, humble-looking old man.

[Or, in this case, a harmless, humble-looking old Exxilon.]

Delgado Master / Narrator [vo] :
Never, on the face of it, was there a less interesting and less romantic marriage than this. From time to time the Doctor glanced round at the door or up at the galleries, vaguely anticipating the appearance of some protesting stranger, in possession of some terrible secret, commissioned to forbid the progress of the service.

The toddlers leaned forward eagerly.

Delgado Master / Narrator [vo] :
Nothing in the shape of an event occurred.

The toddlers turned away with disgusted looks.

Delgado Master / Narrator [vo] :
And then, after the service...

[The Countess approaches the Doctor.]

Gwendoline / Countess :
One more step, you see, on the way to the end!

[She shakes his hand, and returns to her new husband.]

Shalka Doctor :
Well, that was a waste of a perfectly good day.

Delgado Master / Narrator [vo] :
To the end of his life, Doctor Wybrow was angry with anybody who reminded him of what he'd done on that day.

[A sparkling tropical beach. The Shalka Doctor, still in his long coat, sits under an umbrella, a luridly-coloured glass of liquid in his hand, and scowls at the horizon. The android Master, dressed as a waiter, wanders up.]

Android Master :
Do we require anything else, sir? Perhaps a hair shirt, or another cilice?

Shalka Doctor :
Shut up.

Android Master :
Dear me. We haven't been this grumpy since the day the Countess Narona got married.

Shalka Doctor [thumping the sand] :
Aaargh! I told you never to speak of that day again!

The Master closed the book.

"Now, children," he said. "If you ask Izzy nicely, maybe she'll let me come back and read you another chapter later."

"I like Agnes," said Leela. "Are there more bits with her? It was fun when she was fighting the other girl."

The Master winced inwardly, reassumed his disguise, and departed.

Putting on false whiskers and saying you've come to inspect the drains is the last refuge of the incompetent. — Salvor Threepwood (attributed).