"Who's telling the story today?" little Sara asked.

"It's the Master again," Nyssa said. "You know, that one wiv the beard."

"Oh."

"Don't you like his stories?"

"No-one's died yet," Sara complained. "In a proper story people die all the time."

"Do they now?" the Master asked, striding into the room. "Let's see what can be done about that."

[The Highlands. Lord and Lady Montbarry look at the view: Mountains mirrored in a loch.]

Master / Narrator [vo] :
The Montbarrys cut short their honeymoon in the Highlands...

Gwendoline / Countess :
That's quite enough of Scotland for me. Give me Switzerland any day.

"Och, she's a baddie, right enough," little Jamie said.

Master / Narrator [vo] :
And nothing much happened for the next three months, except Agnes went to stay with a friend of hers — Lord Montbarry's sister-in-law. When she came back...

[Agnes's front room. Ace / Agnes is bending over what was once an elaborate tea service and is now an improvised chemistry set. Gemma enters.]

Gemma :
Nice to have you back. Have you heard the news? Mrs. Ferrari's husband has gone missing.

Ace / Agnes :
I wish she wasn't called Ferrari. Every time you say it I think she's one of those bimboes who pose on car bonnets.

Gemma :
Loose cars and fast women?

Ace / Agnes :
Something like that. Anyway, get her over here. I want to hear about this.

[Gemma leaves, returning immediately with Mel.]

Mel / Emily :
I wrote to him in Venice but I didn't get an answer. So I went round to the firm he works for, and they said one of his colleagues had been to Venice...

[A canal in Venice. Steps lead up to the door of a run-down palazzo with paint peeling from its walls.

Sauvix (a Sea Devil in full battle armour) rises up out of the canal and makes his way to the door. He finds a bell-pull and tugs; it comes off in his hand. Next, he knocks on the door. There is a pause, then footsteps are heard approaching.]

Gwendoline's voice :
The lock's jammed. Go round the side.

Sauvix :
Ssstand bacccck.

[He draws his weapon, and fires it into the lock. Then he pushes the door; it opens, with the squeal of rusted hinges.]

Gwendoline / Lady Montbarry [attempting an Italian accent] :
And what-a might-a you want-a?

Delgado Master / Narrator [vo] :
Excuse my intervention at this thrilling juncture, but why the silly accent?

Gwendoline / Lady Montbarry :
It's to show I'm speaking Italian.

Delgado Master / Narrator [vo] :
Don't. Speak Italian properly or not at all.

Gwendoline / Lady Montbarry :
Che cosa voi volete?

Delgado Master / Narrator [vo] :
Showoff.

[Sauvix glances pointedly at his wristwatch. I don't know why a Sea Devil warrior would be wearing a Mickey Mouse wristwatch, but he is.]

Gwendoline / Lady Montbarry [with a sigh] :
Very well, then. What do you want?

[Three black insectoids solidify out of thin air, standing around her. They chitter at Sauvix, who guns them down offhandedly.]

Sauvix [affecting not to notice the dead Shadows] :
May I sssee Sssignior Ferrari? Only if it isss convenient, of course.

Gwendoline / Lady Montbarry :
He disppeared last week, leaving no forwarding address. If you hear anything, let us know, because we owe him money. Good morning.

[She curtseys. Sauvix bows, causing his helmet to fall off. The door is closed in his face.]

Mel / Emily [vo] :
He at once entered on the necessary investigations...

[A montage of Sauvix knocking on doors. Each time, the person answering screams and runs away, or slams the door in his face.]

Mel / Emily [vo] :
Nobody knew anything.

Ace / Agnes [vo] :
What about the other people in the house?

Mel / Emily [vo] :
No-one knew anything about them either.

Ace / Agnes [vo] :
This bloke doesn't sound like much of an investigator.

Mel / Emily [vo] :
Well, he isn't. He's a courier.

Ace / Agnes [vo] :
What about the servants?

Mel / Emily [vo] :
The maid had left some time before. But he did find a stupid old woman who did the housework.

[Sauvix knocks on another door. It is opened by the Third Doctor, who is dressed as a cleaning lady.]

Sauvix :
Can you tell me anything about Ssssignior Ferrari?

Third Doctor [in a Pythonesque squawk] :
Ooh. No, dearie. I never even saw him.[In his normal voice] Is this supposed to be some kind of joke?

Master / Narrator [vo] :
Whatever gave you that idea?

Third Doctor :
I know perfectly well you're reading this. And up to no good, I don't doubt.

Master / Narrator [vo] :
Then you'll also know that the book chooses the most appropriate person to play the role, and the narrator has nothing whatsoever to do with it. Would I lie to you?

Third Doctor :
I'd be amazed if you did anything else.

Master / Narrator [vo] :
Besides, you look quite ravishing in that ensemble. Now do get a move on.

Third Doctor [squawking again] :
I never even saw Lord Montbarry. He never left his room. His lady was in and out of there all the time. They have all their meals sent in from a restaurant. The only other person there is Baron Rivar. Her ladyship says he's doing chemical experiments. Well, whatever they are, they don't smell very nice, I can tell you that. Lawks.

Sauvix [massaging what we presume to be his ears] :
Thhhank you, madam.

Third Doctor [still squawking] :
And just in the last few days, they've had a doctor round to see Lord Montbarry. [He rubs his neck and changes to his normal voice.] Talking of which, this is very wearing on my throat.

Master / Narrator [vo] :
My hearts bleed for you.

Mel / Emily [vo] :
They found the doctor, but he hadn't seen my husband either.

[A doctor's surgery in Venice. A skeleton hangs from a stand. Sauvix is interviewing Martha.]

Martha / Doctor Bruno [in a cod Italian accent] :
I was-a only called in after the courier left-a.

Master / Narrator [vo] :
I already said not to do that.

Martha / Doctor Bruno :
All right. No, I never saw the courier. His Lordship? He's got bronchitis. His wife's in constant attendance on him.

[Back to Agnes's rooms.]

Mel / Emily :
And that's all we know. What would you advise me to do?

Ace / Agnes :
Well, it's obvious, isn't it? We go to Venice and knock a few heads together. You and me, girl detectives. How about it?

Master / Narrator [vo] :
You do nothing of the kind.

Ace / Agnes :
What? These people are complete wimps. All right, how about this? We hire a professional detective and send him to do it.

Master / Narrator [vo] :
A splendid plan, with one minor drawback: You don't have any money to hire a detective. Or travel to Venice yourselves, come to that.

Ace / Agnes :
Oh, this is just stupid.

Mel / Emily :
Do you think it would help if you had a look at my husband's letters to me?

Ace / Agnes :
No, but hand them over anyway.

[She glances through the letters.]

Ace / Agnes :
'Dear Emily, blah blah, his lordship is stingy in money matters, her ladyship too fond of shopping, blah blah blah, Baron Rivar trying to borrow money all the time, dum diddly dum, have rented tumbledown old palace because it's cheap, don't like the Baron, don't like her ladyship, no visitors, blah blah, the maid's given notice, no-one ever comes to visit, marriage on the rocks already, blah, wish I could afford to leave, Yours Affectionately, Icthar.'

[She hands the letters back.]

Ace / Agnes :
Tell you what, I'll have my lawyer look them over tomorrow. See you then.

[Mel takes her leave.]

Master / Narrator [vo] :
Weary and heartsick, Agnes lay down on the sofa, to rest and compose herself.

Ace / Agnes :
Do me a favour. Agnes went straight back to her explosives.

[She suits her action to her words, shaking some powder into a teapot and adding a few drops of viscous liquid.]

Ace / Agnes :
Oh, nurse?

[Gemma enters.]

Gemma :
You called, miss?

Ace / Agnes :
Yeah. Could you pop down the shops and get a couple of sacks of bat guano?

Gemma :
Bat guano? Why, are you going to post to your Livejournal about Rose being the Doctor's first, last and only True Love?

Ace / Agnes :
I don't get it.

Gemma :
Oh, talk to yourself, Corwyn.

Ace / Agnes :
Anyway, get a move on, will you? I'm dangerously low on nitrates here.

Gemma :
Yes, miss. Bat guano. Very good, miss.

[She turns to go. Before she can leave, a familiar scream is heard.]

Ace / Agnes :
What was that?

[The scream is heard again, nearer. Then Mel bursts in, waving an envelope.]

Mel / Emily :
He's dead! He's dead! They've murdered him!

[She does an elaborate swoon.]

"There you are," Nyssa said triumphantly. "People dying, just like you asked for."

"If they don't find the body it doesn't count," Sara grumbled.