The Master swaggered into Look Who's Talking as if he owned it, to be greeted, not by Izzy, but by a harried-looking and dishevelled Kiyone.

"I was told to expect you," she said, without preamble. "I've got a message for you from the Supervisor."

"Oh, yes?"

"No more hypnotising his staff. If you try, you'll be in trouble."

"Really? The man never leaves his office, or so I'm told."

"Not from him. From me. Izzy's off being deprogrammed."

"Well?"

"That means I've been in charge of the kids all day. They're driving me up the wall and it's all your fault, so if you step out of line I shall take great pleasure in seeing you punished."

"Your concern has been duly noted," the Master replied serenely. "By the way, you've got something on your clothes."

Kiyone sighed. "Don't I know it. The Waterfield girl's been using me for target practice all day. And Izzy says she's one of the well-behaved ones. At least she's sleeping now."

"She's got good aim, I'll give her that," the Master said, pointing at one of several splatters on Kiyone's jacket. "Right over the heart."

Delgado Master / Narrator [vo] :
In the spring of the year 1861, Agnes was established at the country seat of her two friends — now promoted (on the death of the first lord, without offspring) to be the new Lord and Lady Montbarry.

[A large country house in Ireland. Standing on the terrace outside are the new Lord and Lady Montbarry: Adric and Nyssa. A little way away, Agnes Lockwood is taking her governess duties seriously, despite Henry Westwick's best attempts to distract her...]

Harry / Henry :
So the insurers have had to pay out. Lady Montbarry—

[In one fluid move, Nyssa has a knife at his throat.]

Nyssa / Ella :
How many times do you need to be told? Lady Montbarry is me. In this house, we refer to my brother's widow as 'Countess Narona'. Or else.

Harry / Henry :
Well, she's taken the money and gone to America with the Baron.

Ace / Agnes :
I reckon Java would be more her scene. Right, Dumpling, paint the mixture on the stones here where the ants walk.

Little girl [from 'Castrovalva'] :
My name isn't Dumpling. It's supposed to be Lucy.

Ace / Agnes :
Whatever.

Harry / Henry :
Agnes, will you marry— ow!

[He clutches his shin.]

Ace / Agnes :
Nice work, Dumpling.

Little girl :
He's soppy.

Ace / Agnes :
Yeah, isn't he?

Harry / Henry [still clutching his shin] :
That really hurts. Anyway, what I came to say was—

Ace / Agnes [threateningly] :
Well?

Harry / Henry :
I'm going to London tomorrow. Do you need anything?

Ace / Agnes :
Iodine crystals, if you see any.

Harry / Henry :
Right you are.

[He wanders off, straight across the patch of paving that the little girl painted. Detonations mark his every step.]

Ace / Agnes :
Lumbering idiot. Sorry, Dumpling, you'll have to paint that bit again.

Delgado Master / Narrator [vo] :
The next day, when the family came back from seeing Henry off at the station...

[Outside the house.]

Shardovan / Butler :
Excuse me, my lady. A person of the name of Rolland is waiting to see you.

Nyssa / Ella :
Is it a woman?

Shardovan / Butler :
Yes, my lady.

Nyssa / Ella :
She's the maid who was with the Countess in Venice. Do you want to come and talk to her?

Ace / Agnes :
Yeah, count me in. What's she like?

Nyssa / Ella :
She was a perfectly trustworthy person, with one defect that obliged me to send her away — a sullen temper which led to perpetual complaints of her in the servants' hall.

[They follow Shardovan into the house. He leads them to the room where Mrs Rolland is waiting.]

Delgado Master / Narrator [vo] :
"A tall bony woman, in the autumn of life, with sunken eyes and iron-grey hair, rose stiffly from her chair, and saluted the ladies with stern submission as they opened the door."

Tegan / Mrs Rolland :
You have got to be having me on.

Delgado Master / Narrator [vo] :
Oh, but it gets so much better. "A person of unblemished character, evidently — but not without visible drawbacks. Big bushy eyebrows, an awfully deep and solemn voice, a harsh unbending manner, a complete absence in her figure of the undulating lines characteristic of the sex, presented Virtue in this excellent person under its least alluring aspect. Strangers, on a first introduction to her, were accustomed to wonder why she was not a man."

Tegan / Mrs Rolland :
This book's got it in for me. Well, I'm not putting up with it. I've got a perfectly good figure and there's nothing wrong with my eyebrows. You make me sound like a man in drag. Talking of which, why isn't Jamie doing this? Or Ben? Or...

Nyssa / Ella :
At least you didn't end up married to Swamprat.

Tegan / Mrs Rolland :
You didn't!

[Ella nods solemnly.]

Tegan / Mrs Rolland :
You and Adric? Well, I wish you every happiness. Now, can we get down to business?

Nyssa / Ella :
By all means.

Tegan / Mrs Rolland :
Can you give me a reference? I've applied for a job with a lady near here. Mrs Carbury.

Ace / Agnes :
Take my advice, say no. Giving references leads to all sorts of trouble.

Nyssa / Ella :
Won't the lady want to hear from your last employer?

Tegan / Mrs Rolland :
I've explained all that. I told Mrs Carbury that the person I last served is now in America, and I told her why I left, and what I thought of her. I mean, what I thought of my previous employer, not what I thought of Mrs Carbury. And she agreed with everything I said.

[A quick flashback: Tegan is pacing up and down, holding forth, while Susan sits in a wheelchair.]

Susan / Mrs Carbury [massaging her temples] :
Yes, I agree completely. Will you stop talking now, please?

[The flashback ends.]

Nyssa / Ella :
Then I'll be happy to give you a reference. Before you go, my friend Miss Lockwood has a few questions for you.

Ace / Agnes :
Yeah. You know the courier who was with you at Venice? Ferrari?

Tegan / Mrs Rolland :
That loathsome slimy reptile?

Ace / Agnes :
That's the one. He's disappeared. You don't know anything about it?

Tegan / Mrs Rolland :
Good thing if he has. D'you know he made a pass at me?

Nyssa / Ella [trying desperately not to laugh] :
Seriously?

Tegan / Mrs Rolland :
No need for you to laugh. Just remember, you'll be snuggling up with Adric every night for the rest of this story.

Ace / Agnes :
Someone pass me the brain bleach.

Tegan / Mrs Rolland :
Anyway, they were a complete bunch of creeps. My mistress was always trying to do touchy-feely management stuff. You know, 'Are you missing your family?', that sort of thing. Call me old-fashioned, but I prefer a boss who just tells you what to do. Then his lordship stayed in his room all time reading oriental literature — at least, that's what he called it. And as for the Baron...

Ace / Agnes [sotto voce] :
Sorry I asked.

Tegan / Mrs Rolland :
That Baron was just as bad as Ferrari. Let me give you an example.

[Flashback to the palace. The Baron's room. A vast marble fireplace takes up most of one wall. The Baron is sitting at a table, a deck of cards spread out in front of him. Ferrari stands nearby. Tegan is just visible eavesdropping at the door.]

Icthar / Ferrari :
The red six goes on the black seven. There.

Ainley Master / Baron :
I was going to do that. [He moves the card with bad grace.] Ferrari, I want a thousand pounds. What would you do for a thousand pounds?

Icthar / Ferrari :
Find an ape-descendant with a thousand pounds, and have him slowly and painfully killed.

Ainley Master / Baron :
You talk a lot of sense, Ferrari. Heh heh heh. [He moves a few more cards.]

Icthar / Ferrari :
That was cheating. You drew four cards instead of three.

Ainley Master / Baron :
Get out.

[The flashback ends.]

Tegan / Mrs Rolland :
And as for the state of that palace! None of the windows even fitted in the frames! You couldn't get a decent night's sleep because of the mice having drunken parties in the walls! And let me tell you about the damp...

[Still ranting, she is dragged out by Ella and Agnes.]

Delgado Master / Narrator [vo] :
Meanwhile, at Venice, the palace was being converted into a hotel.

[The palace. Several internal walls have been pulled down. Heaps of rubble are everywhere. Ben and Mickey sit on the remains of a wall, eating sandwiches.]

Mickey :
What've you got today?

Ben :
Salami.

Mickey :
Your Polly takes good care of you.

Ben :
What've you got, then?

Mickey :
Fishpaste.

Ben :
Want to swap for one of mine?

Mickey :
OK.

[They do so.]

Ben :
Reckon we should do a bit more on the palace today?

Mickey :
Nah, it'll keep till tomorrow.

Delgado Master / Narrator [vo] :
And back in Ireland, the next link in the fatal chain of coincidence was being forged. You may remember that the maid, Mrs Rolland, was going to work for Miss Carbury, who was confined to a wheelchair on account of her weak ankles. Well, Miss Carbury was looked after by her beautiful niece, Miss Haldane. And when Miss Haldane came round to check on the references Mrs Rolland had given, Mr Barville fell in love with her.

"Who?" little Leela asked.

"It's all wight," baby Nyssa assured her. "We haven't seen him before either."

Leela put one hand to her head. "So... Someone we have not seen before is falling in love with someone else we have not seen before. Why is this in the story?"

"Because of the wedding, thilly," Rose said. "Weddingth are alwayth good to have in a thtory."

[We see the two: Arthur, on one knee, before Miss Haldane.]

Master / Narrator [vo] :
Just a minute. I believe I recognise you...

Andred / Arthur Barville :
Me?

Master / Narrator [vo] :
It is you. I thought so. An officer with more sense of flexibility would have let me off with a caution. Ahem. But who is the young lady?

Fiona / Miss Haldane :
D'ye mean me?

Little Jamie was jumping about, his hand in the air. "I know! I know!"

"Very well," the Master said. "Who is she?"

"Her name's Fiona," Jamie said. "And in one of the stories they didn't make, I was going tae fall in love with her and live happily ever after with her in Scotland."

"Oh, Jamie, that'th vewy thweet," Baby Rose said, hugging him. "Everyone ought to have a happy ending."

"Or in your case, several," the Master said drily. "Each one doubtless better than the last. Let us proceed."

Master / Narrator [vo] :
It was agreed that they would marry in the first week in September, and then go to Europe for their honeymoon. About the same date, the last alterations in the old palace at Venice were completed. The rooms were dried by steam; the cellars were stocked; the manager collected round him his army of skilled servants...

[The manager's office of the hotel. François is sitting behind the desk. The staff are lined up before him.]

François :
Oho. Loyal employee François receive promotion. Now manager of important concern. François must faithfully follow management practices learned at Proprietor's knee.

[He delves in his pocket, produces a false walrus moustache, and puts it on.]

François [putting his feet on the desk] :
You. Get cheap cigars. You. Get cheap drinks. You. Get cheap hookers. Then all leave François in peace.

Master / Narrator [vo] :
The wedding of Mr Arthur Barville and Miss Haldane duly took place. Agnes wrote a letter to Mrs Ferrari saying how it all went.

"She got exploded," little Ace pointed out.

"Then perhaps Agnes wrote to her in hospital," the Master said, fixing the girl with a steely glare. "Or perhaps she wrote to another of her friends. It doesn't matter."

[The wedding party emerges from the church.]

Ace / Agnes [vo] :
The three children and I attended the ceremony as bridesmaids.

[Fireworks go off each side of the path, followed by a series of detonations of increasing power. When the smoke clears, everyone is on the ground with their hands over their heads.]

Ace / Agnes :
Sorry. Overdid it a bit on that last one.

Ace / Agnes [vo] :
We were very merry at the breakfast, and the speeches went off on the whole quite well enough.

[The wedding reception. Everyone is slightly sloshed, and looking glassy-eyed.]

Adric / Lord Montbarry :
Well. Um. Ladies and gentlemen, as I look around today, I am reminded of the story of, um... [He drops his notes.] Er. Hold on a moment.

[He ducks under the table, trying to collect his notes.]

Sir Reginald Styles / Sir Theodore Barville :
Resign!

Flavia / Lady Barville :
Ssh, dear.

[Adric reappears.]

Adric / Lord Montbarry :
And then the plumber said to the chorus girl... No, hang on, I've lost a page.

[He dives under the table again. Nyssa clutches her knife, her knuckles going white.]

The Master looked up as a worried little face peeped round the door.

"Ah, Miss Waterfield," he said. "So you are no longer resting in the arms of Morpheus."

"I heard things blowing up," baby Victoria said, taking a few cautious steps into the room. "What happened?"

"It was only the fireworks at the wedding," Jamie said. "Don't worry, come and sit with me. I'll look after you."

"You mean I've missed the wedding?" Victoria clenched her little fists. "Jamie, why didn't you come and wake me up?"

"You can discuss that later," the Master said. "For now, sit down and be quiet."

Ace / Agnes [vo] :
The last speech was made by Mr. Henry Westwick.

[Harry now stands.]

Harry / Henry :
Ladies and gentlemen, I shall be brief...

Ace / Agnes [sotto voce] :
You'd just better be.

Harry / Henry :
We've had a lot of fun today, haven't we?

[Various cries of 'Yes', 'No', and 'Resign'.]

Harry / Henry :
So, let's meet up again at the end of the happy couple's honeymoon. They're going to go to Germany and Italy. Let's meet them at Venice.

Ace / Agnes [vo] :
This proposal was received with great applause, which was changed into shouts of laughter by no less a person than my dear old nurse.

Gemma / Nurse :
Make sure they stay at the Palace Hotel. We're shareholders, you know. The more they spend there, the better our dividend.

[Cheers. Shouts of 'Hear Hear', 'Three cheers for the nurse', 'Resign'.]

Ace / Agnes [vo] :
So everyone else gets to go to Venice. Lord and Lady Montbarry have already set out, so I've been left behind to keep an eye on the kids. That's all for now.

[We now see Agnes in her room, writing the letter. She signs and seals it. The little girl we saw before enters.]

Little girl :
There's a letter for you from Mummy.

Ace / Agnes :
Did you steam it open like I taught you?

Little girl :
Of course I did. She says she wants you and me and my sisters to come to Venice with her. She [she peers closely at the letter] exerted all her fascinations on Daddy. What does that mean?

Ace / Agnes :
Well, with those two, I reckon it involved waterboarding.

Little girl :
What's waterboarding?

Ace / Agnes :
I'll explain later. For now, we've got to pack.

Master / Narrator [vo] :
And so, they all set off for Venice and their date with destiny.

"What happened when they got there?" little Steven asked.

"Did Agnes find the Countess and cut her head off?" Leela added.

"At the wedding, did they all get pretty bracelets?" little Bruce asked.

Everyone turned to stare at him.

"I like bracelets," he added, defiantly.

"As it happens, they did," the Master assured him. "As for the rest... well, you'll have to wait, won't you?"

"I don't want to wait," Victoria said, hefting a wooden block threateningly. "I hardly got to hear any of the story this time and it isn't fair."

"Well," the Master said, giving her his most avuncular smile. "You'll have to take that up with Kiyone. Goodbye, children."