Storytime! The Adventure of the Illustrious Client

"Miss, did you see that new Sherlock Holmes?" Baby Vicki asked, as the toddlers settled down for Story Time.

Izzy gave her a thoughtful look.

"Yes," she said. "But I'm surprised you were allowed to watch it. It's supposed to be for grown-ups."

"I can watch what I like," Vicki said proudly. "My guardian doesn't care. Anyway, how do you think they're going to escape?"

"His big bruvver comes in wiv the police and saves him," little Varsh said.

"That's boring," Baby Leela said. "He should shoot the bomb and kill the bad man and die gloriously."

"I fink a pwincess should save him," Dodo said. "Riding a magic unicorn."

A few of the girls seemed to agree. The reaction among the boys was closer to nausea.

"Doctor Watson should get magic powers from the TARDIS and make all the bad men disappear," Rose said firmly. "That works every time."

"The Daleks should burst in and exterminate everyone," little Davros opined.

"That's rubbish," Jamie said. "I reckon Sherlock Holmes'll duck, and all the Redcoats'll shoot each other. Don't you think so, Victoria?"

"I didn't watch it," little Victoria said. "It was scary."

"Anyway," Izzy said firmly. "While you're waiting to see what happens, I'll read you one of the original Sherlock Holmes stories." She leafed through the storybook, stopping more or less at random. "Here we are. The Adventure of the Illustrious Client."

Izzy / Narrator :
This story opens with Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson visiting the Turkish baths in Northumberland Avenue...

[The drying room of the Turkish baths. Ace and Shou Yuing, wrapped in towels, are lying side by side on couches.]

Shou Yuing / Watson :
Have you got anything on at the moment?

Ace / Holmes :
What, apart from a towel?

[She dodges a thrown sponge.]

Ace / Holmes :
Well, I got this today. [She reaches for her bomber jacket, which is hanging up nearby, and extracts a note.] Take a look at this.

Shou Yuing / Watson :
Sir James Damery wants to see you. On a 'very delicate' matter. I wonder what.

Ace / Holmes :
Probably something embarrassing he wants sorted out discreetly.

Shou Yuing / Watson :
Discreetly? And he wants us? Captain Kaboom and Demolition Girl?

Ace / Holmes :
Who cares if he wants us? He's getting us. See you at Baker Street at half-four, and bring anything you've got that's even remotely brisant.

Shou Yuing / Watson :
You're on.

[Holmes's rooms at Baker Street. Watson is dressed appropriately as a Victorian man-about-town; Holmes is wearing a dressing gown over her 1988 street clothes.]

Izzy / Narrator :
Sharp to the half-hour, Colonel Sir James Damery was announced. His lucent top-hat, his dark frock-coat, indeed, every detail, from the pearl pin in the black satin cravat to the lavender spats over the varnished shoes, spoke of the meticulous care in dress for which he was famous. The big, masterful aristocrat dominated the little room.

[With a flicker, the Dream Lord appears. He is dressed exactly as per the description, though he's rather lacking in the 'big' department.]

Dream Lord / Sir James :
Well, well. It seems the teenage activists are out in force. And perhaps 'out' in other respects, too. Not so much Butch and Sundance, more Butch and Lipstick. I'm surprised they managed to get you two out of the Steel Maiden and sober you up in time.

Ace / Holmes :
You want to know something? You really need to get laid.

[The Dream Lord flickers, and is now wearing Sabalom Glitz's costume from 'Dragonfire'.]

Dream Lord / Sir James :
I'm up for it if you are, sweetie.

Ace / Holmes :
Thought you didn't have a real body?

Dream Lord / Sir James :
And I thought you were supposed to be a real detective.

Ace / Holmes :
Come on, then. What do you want me to detect? Don't tell me, someone's nicked your charisma.

Shou Yuing / Watson :
What makes you think he had any in the first place?

Dream Lord / Sir James :
Go and play with your toys, girlie, the grownups are busy. [He ostentatiously turns to Holmes.] You have, of course, never heard of Baron Gruner.

Ace / Holmes :
You mean the Austrian murderer.

Dream Lord / Sir James :
Ah, so you aren't completely incompetent. And you agree that he's a murderer.

Ace / Holmes :
After what happened to his wife in the Splugen Pass? No way he didn't do it.

[The Splugen Pass. Astrid is lying in the road, unmoving, in a pool of tomato sauce. Two policemen are standing over her.]

Sergeant Benton :
How's this, sir? She fell out of the carriage and broke her neck.

Captain Yates :
I think we need more detail.

Benton :
Yes, sir. [He opens his notebook and glances over his notes.] She shot herself, fell out of the carriage, broke her neck, then tried to climb up the cliff and was hit by a falling boulder. Then she fell in the river and drowned. I'd put it down as an accident, sir.

Yates :
I suppose it could be. I daresay the coroner will agree with you.

[Back at Baker Street.]

Ace / Holmes :
And he only got off because a witness conveniently died.

[A street in Prague. Baron Gruner's carriage is being investigated by UNIT troops. Inside, Foon, dressed as a servant, is lying dead.]

Brigadier Bambera :
Any ideas?

Major Husak :
Looks like she shot herself in the back, sir.

Bambera [experimenting with her own gun] :
Well... I suppose that's possible. Suicide, then.

Husak :
Four times.

Bambera :
A really determined suicide.

Husak :
Reloading between each shot. She couldn't have done that on her own.

Bambera :
Then put it down as assisted suicide. And get a move on, we're due back at headquarters.

[Back at Baker Street.]

Ace / Holmes :
So d'you want to nail him for a double murder?

Dream Lord / Sir James :
You have no idea how dearly I'd like to. But it's more important even than that. My client—

Ace / Holmes :
Your client? So this isn't your idea? All right, who are you working for?

Dream Lord / Sir James :
That's for me to know and you never to find out.

Ace / Holmes :
If you don't tell me who it is, you can bog off now.

Dream Lord / Sir James :
I gave my word not to reveal his identity. But suppose I tell you the facts of the case, and then you decide whether you'll take it or not?

Ace / Holmes :
Maybe.

Dream Lord / Sir James :
Right, then. This is all about General de Merville.

Ace / Holmes :
The Khyber Pass bloke?

Dream Lord / Sir James :
That's the one.

[A brief flashback shows the Brigadier, at the head of a squad of Highlanders guarding the Khyber Pass (which looks remarkably like Mount Snowdon). All are wearing kilts.]

Dream Lord / Sir James :
Well, he's got a daughter. I mean, he's probably got several, the way these soldiers carry on, but the one we're talking about is called Violet. And we want to save her from the clutches of the Baron.

Ace / Holmes :
What's he got on her, then?

Dream Lord / Sir James :
The strongest of all holds where a woman is concerned — the hold of [he sneers] love. The fellow is, as you may have heard, extraordinarily handsome, with a most fascinating manner, a gentle voice, and that air of romance and mystery which means so much to a woman. She proposes to marry him next month.

Ace / Holmes :
Does she know what happened to the last Mrs Gruner?

Dream Lord / Sir James :
The cunning devil has told her every unsavoury public scandal of his past life, but always in such a way as to make himself out to be an innocent martyr. She absolutely accepts his version and will listen to no other.

Ace / Holmes :
You know, you're taking this very seriously.

Dream Lord / Sir James :
What?

Ace / Holmes :
I mean it. You're sticking to the book word for word and you've completely forgotten to throw any gratuitous insults at me. You must really hate this bloke.

Dream Lord / Sir James :
A picayune deductive feat. That and a mortgage will get you a double latte with almond syrup in Starbucks.

Ace / Holmes :
See, that's the sort of thing you'd been forgetting to do. Anyway, now we know who you're working for, don't we? It's this old general.

Dream Lord / Sir James :
Nothing so straightforward. He's a broken man. My client is a friend of the family who has known the General for many years. I don't doubt that with your great powers you could easily trace my client back through me. Well, actually I doubt that you could trace a Pyrovile across a snowfield, but that's by the by. The point is: as a matter of honour, you don't even try.

Ace / Holmes :
OK, I'll take the job on. Sounds interesting. How do I keep in touch with you?

[The Dream Lord flickers again, and is now wearing a bizarre superhero costume with a yellow domino mask pushed back on his forehead and a large "O" on his chest.]

Dream Lord / Sir James :
In case of trouble, in case of woe,
Just pick up the 'phone and dial OO.

Shou Yuing / Watson :
Oh, wicked!

Ace / Holmes :
You have got to be kidding me.

Dream Lord / Sir James :
Oh dear. Is my reality too complex for your tiny minds to grasp?

Ace / Holmes :
Have you got anything else to tell me? Anything useful, I mean, not random abuse.

Dream Lord / Sir James :
His hobbies are horses and art;
From polo he's had to depart.
At pictures he looks,
He buys lots of books,
And on porcelain he's known to be smart.

[He disappears, to the sound of birdsong.]

Ace / Holmes :
What was that last costume? You recognised it.

Shou Yuing / Watson :
Of course. Didn't you?

Ace / Holmes :
Never seen it before.

Shou Yuing / Watson :
The OO Men. From 'Jigsaw'. David Rappaport and that other guy... what was his name? Sylvester McCoy. Whatever happened to him?

Ace / Holmes :
This is some kids' programme you watched?

Shou Yuing / Watson :
Didn't you?

Ace / Holmes :
I'm from a few years in your past, remember? When you were a kid watching TV I was skiving off school and setting fire to abandoned buildings.

Shou Yuing / Watson :
That'll be it. Anyway, what about the case? Hadn't you better go and talk to this Miss de Merville?

Ace / Holmes :
Why would I have any influence over her?

Shou Yuing / Watson [grinning wickedly] :
You're a pretty bad influence on me.

Ace / Holmes :
I don't think this client's gonna be very happy if we break up her engagement by turning her into a delinquent. [She thinks] That's a thought. While we're on the subject of delinquents, I'll see what Shinwell Johnson can come up with.

"Who's Shinwell Johnson?" asked little Jamie, on cue.

"He's one of Sherlock Holmes's assistants," Izzy explained. "He used to be a very dangerous villain. Now he lets Holmes know what's going on in the criminal underworld of London." She took up the book again. "Watson met Holmes again that evening..."

[Simpson's in the Strand, evening.]

Shou Yuing / Watson :
Has Johnson found anything yet?

Ace / Holmes :
Give him a break, he's only just started.

Shou Yuing / Watson :
And what have you been doing?

Ace / Holmes :
I went out to Kingston to have a chat with Baron Gruner.

Shou Yuing / Watson :
What, just like that?

Ace / Holmes :
Why not? I wanted to see what he was made of.

Shou Yuing / Watson :
And?

Ace / Holmes :
He's a really nasty piece of work. Cool as ice, poisonous as a cobra...

[Flashback: Baron Gruner's study. Holmes is ushered in; she is still wearing her 1980s clothes, plus a deerstalker.]

Tenth Doctor / Baron Gruner :
I rather thought I should see you sooner or later, Mr. Holmes.

Ace / Holmes :
Hang on a sec. It's you? [She thinks.] Extraordinarily handsome, fascinating manner, gentle voice, romance and mystery, leaving a trail of corpses and wrecked lives... Yeah, it would be you, wouldn't it?

Tenth Doctor / Baron Gruner :
You have been engaged, no doubt by General de Merville, to endeavour to stop my marriage with his daughter, Violet. That is so, is it not?

Ace / Holmes :
Got it in one, hedgehog-features.

Tenth Doctor / Baron Gruner :
Drop it. Seriously, don't even bother trying. It won't do any good and you'll just end up dead or worse.

Ace / Holmes :
Like I'm going to do what you tell me.

Tenth Doctor / Baron Gruner :
Whatever you're planning, it won't work. Miss de Merville's mind is quite made up.

Ace / Holmes :
What did you do, hypnotise her?

Tenth Doctor / Baron Gruner :
I didn't have to. I'm the Doctor. Any woman I want, I'll get. I will break any heart— no, wait, that's Thunderball. But the point stands.

[Ace turns to go.]

Tenth Doctor / Baron Gruner :
By the way, did you know Le Brun the French agent?

Ace / Holmes :
... Yeah?

Tenth Doctor / Baron Gruner :
Do you know what happened to him?

Ace / Holmes :
'Course I do. Beaten up by a gang of thugs and ended up crippled for life.

Tenth Doctor / Baron Gruner :
The funny thing was, he'd been inquiring into my affairs only the week before. It isn't healthy.

[We see a montage of shots of Ursula from 'Love and Monsters', inquiring into the Doctor's affairs and then being reduced to a paving slab.]

Tenth Doctor / Baron Gruner :
Goodbye, Mr. Holmes. You get one warning. That was it.

[The flashback ends, and we're back in the restaurant.]

Shou Yuing / Watson :
He seems dangerous.

Ace / Holmes :
You're not kidding. Come back to Baker Street with me, and we'll see what Shinwell's come up with.