[221B Baker Street. Shinwell Johnson and Kitty Winter are sitting on the sofa. Holmes and Watson arrive.]

Midge / Shinwell :
Hi, Ace.

Ace / Holmes :
Hi yourself, Porky.

Izzy / Narrator :
Beside Johnson was a slim, flame-like young woman with a pale, intense face, youthful, and yet so worn with sin and sorrow that one read the terrible years which had left their leprous mark upon her.

Rose / Kitty :
What?!

Ace / Holmes :
Something the matter?

Rose / Kitty :
Yeah, there is. Why am I playing some revenge-obsessed crazy? I love the Doctor. I'd do anything for him... Oh.

Ace / Holmes :
Exactly.

Rose / Kitty :
And now he's after another woman. Can't you talk her out of it?

Ace / Holmes :
She's been told everything there is to know about him. And she doesn't care.

Rose / Kitty :
Yeah, that makes sense. If anyone had told me what I was getting into I wouldn't've listened. [She thinks for a bit.] Tell you what. Why don't I have a word with her?

Ace / Holmes :
Why not, if you're up for it? Dunno if it'll do much good, though. Like I said, he's told her everything.

Rose / Kitty :
I bet he didn't. Not everything. He used to drop hints from time to time...

[Flashback: Kitty and the Baron in the Citadel on Peladon. They are holding hands and look rather as if they're on their honeymoon.]

Tenth Doctor / Baron Gruner :
And the Ice Warrior said, "A brashostok!"

Rose / Kitty [laughing] :
Oh, that's brilliant. And you told that joke to the chancellor?

Tenth Doctor / Baron Gruner :
Yeah. Of course, he didn't get it, because he didn't know what a brashostok is, but he laughed anyway. Nice chap. [He looks sideways at her.] He died within a week.

[Kitty looks momentarily thrown, but cheers up as the Baron squeezes her hand. The flashback ends.]

Rose / Kitty :
There was only one thing that shook me. He's got a book...

[Flashback: Baron Gruner and Kitty are lounging on the beach on some alien planet. Gruner is sipping a cocktail and has his tie round his head.]

Tenth Doctor / Baron Gruner :
Here, take a look at this.

[He pulls a book from one of his dimensionally transcendental pockets. It's bound in brown leather, with a lock, and has the Prydonian Seal on the cover.]

Tenth Doctor / Baron Gruner :
"Lives I Have Ruined." What do you think?

[Kitty opens the book at random. There's a snapshot of Victoria pasted in, and some lines of handwriting.]

Rose / Kitty :
"Victoria Waterfield. Cute brunette orphan with huge gazongas. Left her as a shivering nervous wreck unable to form relationships."

Inevitably, little Victoria put up her hand. "What's gazongas?"

"Melons," little Jack said confidently, before Izzy could think of any suitable explanation. "Or some sorta fruit, anyway."

[She leafs through the pages.]

Rose / Kitty :
"Peri Brown. Cute brunette student with huge gazongas. Abusive relationship ending in her death."

[She looks up, wavering between disbelief and horror.]

Rose / Kitty :
Tell me this isn't real.

Tenth Doctor / Baron Gruner :
It isn't real. Now come here and give me a kiss.

Rose / Kitty :
... OK.

[The flashback ends.]

"So we ran a fruit shop?" Victoria asked. "And the nasty Baron came and broke our hearts?"

"And stole our melons," Peri added.

"And killed Peri." Victoria's lip began to tremble. "This is a horrid story."

"He's a horrid Baron," Peri said fiercely. "I hope somefing really nasty happens to him."

Rose / Kitty :
He collects women, see? Same as some blokes collect insects.

Shou Yuing / Watson :
Where's the book now?

Rose / Kitty :
Dunno. But when I was with him, he kept it in the old bureau in his inner study. Do you know the house?

Ace / Holmes :
I've been there.

Rose / Kitty :
Already? You don't waste time, do you? Anyway, I s'pose he saw you in the outer study. Big glass cupboard of Chinese crockery?

Ace / Holmes :
That's the one.

Rose / Kitty :
Right. There's a door behind his desk. Inner study's through there.

Ace / Holmes :
And he just keeps it in a drawer? What if someone broke in?

Rose / Kitty :
There's a burglar alarm. Anyway, what'd they steal? Only his fancy cups and saucers.

Midge / Shinwell :
No fence'd want that. Can't sell it, can't melt it.

Ace / Holmes :
OK, see you tomorrow at five. Let me know if you need any help with, you know, expenses or anything like that.

Rose / Kitty :
I'm not interested in money. I just want to see the Baron where he belongs — in the mud with my foot on his face.

Shou Yuing / Watson :
Hell hath no fury?

Rose / Kitty :
And I'm feeling pretty scorned right now, I can tell you.

Izzy / Narrator [vo] :
The next day, Holmes and Watson met again at the same restaurant in the Strand. Watson asked how the interview with Violet de Merville had gone.

Ace / Holmes :
Complete waste of time.

Shou Yuing / Watson :
Wouldn't she see you, then?

Ace / Holmes :
Oh, no, she saw us all right. That wasn't the problem.

[104 Berkeley Square. A footman (Nimrod) shows Holmes and Kitty into a great yellow-curtained drawing room. Violet de Merville — played to the hilt by Lady Christina de Souza — is standing there to receive them.]

Ace / Holmes [vo] :
She's quite a looker, you know.

Christina / Violet :
Excuse me. The correct description is "She is beautiful, but with the ethereal other-world beauty of some fanatic whose thoughts are set on high".

Ace / Holmes :
Maybe it is, but you aren't. You're a red-blooded adrenaline junkie and it's no good trying to pretend otherwise.

Christina / Violet :
Then it would seem we have that in common, if nothing else. Anyway, you have called, as I understand, to malign my fiancé, Baron Gruner. It is only by my father's request that I see you at all, and I warn you in advance that anything you can say could not possibly have the slightest effect upon my mind.

Ace / Holmes [vo] :
I was sorry for her. Honestly. I really did plead with her.

Ace / Holmes :
Listen, Icecube. You take that lemon out of your mouth and pay attention. This Gruner's a bloke, isn't he? Well, blokes are more trouble than they're worth. Either they die on you or it turns out they've been in league with the enemy the whole time. I don't care if you've got your eye on his porcelain collection or not. Take my advice and stick to pinching stuff out of museums.

Christina / Violet :
I have listened to you with patience, Mr. Holmes. The effect upon my mind is exactly as predicted. I am aware that Adelbert, that my fiancé, has had a stormy life in which he has incurred bitter hatreds and most unjust aspersions. You are only the last of a series who have brought their slanders before me. Possibly you mean well, though I learn that you are a paid agent who would have been equally willing to act for the Baron as against him. But in any case I wish you to understand once for all that I love him and that he loves me, and that the opinion of all the world is no more to me than the twitter of those birds outside the window.

[With a flicker, Sir James is there, dressed as a birdwatcher.]

Dream Lord / Sir James :
Sorry, that was me.

[He vanishes again.]

Christina / Violet :
If his noble nature has ever for an instant fallen, it may be that I have been specially sent to raise it to its true and lofty level.

[She looks at Kitty.]

I am not clear who this young lady may be.

Rose / Kitty :
I'll tell you who I am. I'm his last mistress. I'm one of a hundred that he has tempted and used and ruined and chucked in the dustbin, and he'll do the same to you. Or maybe he'll just have you killed. Nothing to me if he did, but I'm not letting him get away with it if I can stop him.

Christina / Violet :
I should prefer not to discuss such matters. Let me say once for all that I am aware of three passages in my fiancé's life in which he became entangled with designing women, and that I am assured of his hearty repentance for any evil that he may have done.

Rose / Kitty :
Three! More like three hundred, you stuck-up bitch. You know what you are? You're the cream of the aristocracy. Rich and thick.

Christina / Violet :
Mr. Holmes, I beg that you will bring this interview to an end. I have obeyed my father's wish in seeing you, but I am not compelled to listen to the ravings of this... chav.

Rose / Kitty :
Sod you, then!

[She launches herself at Violet, trying to grab her by the hair. Ace manages to restrain her.]

Ace / Holmes :
Leave her. She's not worth it.

Rose / Kitty :
You heard what she called me.

Ace / Holmes :
Look, she's not the enemy. Baron Gruner is.

Rose / Kitty :
She needs a good kicking.

Ace / Holmes :
If that's the way you want it, fine. Hang on while I go and get the paddling pool and the chocolate pudding.

[Kitty considers this, and reluctantly laughs.]

Ace / Holmes :
That's better. Let's go and get a cab.

"Why did she say she'd get a paddling pool and chocolate pudding?" Baby Martha asked.

"Maybe if she was good she'd let her play in the pool and have something nice to eat," Izzy said, keeping her face completely straight.

"Oh, yes." Martha considered this. "But that doesn't make sense, because—"

Several other toddlers shushed her, eager to get on with the story.

[Charing Cross Station. A one-legged news-vendor displays his evening papers.]

Orcini / Vendor :
Read all about it! Read all about it! Murderous attack on Sherlock Holmes!

[Watson, passing, does a double-take, rushes over to the stand, grabs a copy of the paper, throws money to the vendor, and dives into a shop doorway to read her purchase.]

Sarah Jane / Newspaper [vo] :
We learn with regret that Mr. Sherlock Holmes, the well-known private detective, was the victim this morning of a murderous assault which has left him in a precarious position. There are no exact details to hand, but the event seems to have occurred about twelve o'clock in Regent Street, outside the Café Royal. The attack was made by two men armed with sticks...

[Regent Street, outside the Café Royal. Sherlock Holmes is sauntering along. Two respectably dressed women approach her: Mags and Karra, both in their human forms.]

Ace / Holmes :
Oh. It's you.

[They transform into their werewolf and cheetah forms, and advance on her.]

Ace / Holmes [pulling a can of Nitro-Nine from her pocket] :
Keep back, or I'll blow you to bits...

[They leap. Instant cut to Baker Street, where Watson is rushing into the hall in a panicked hurry.]

Shou Yuing / Watson [vo] :
I found Sir Leslie Oakshott, the famous surgeon, in the hall.

Harry / Sir Leslie :
She's in a bad way, I'm afraid. Several stitches to the head.

Shou Yuing / Watson :
Can I see her?

Harry / Sir Leslie :
Yes, as long as it's only for a few minutes.

[Holmes's bedroom, darkened. Holmes has a bandage round her head, on which tomato sauce has been artistically sprinkled.]

Ace / Holmes [weakly] :
Watson...

[Watson hurries to her side.]

Ace / Holmes [still in a faint voice] :
Don't worry. It's not as bad as it looks. [She chuckles.] Catfight with a real catgirl. Can't beat it.

Shou Yuing / Watson :
It was that Gruner who did it, wasn't it? Give me the word and I'll be round there and blow him to bits. Him and his fancy porcelain.

Ace / Holmes :
No. Listen, here's the plan. We want him to think I'm dying. You go out there and tell the press. Lucky if I last the week, that sort of thing.

Shou Yuing / Watson :
What about Sir Leslie?

Ace / Holmes :
You forgotten who's playing him?

Shou Yuing / Watson :
I suppose you've got a point. Anything else?

Ace / Holmes :
Tell Shinwell Johnson to get that girl out of the way. They'll be looking for her. Do that as soon as possible. That's all.

Izzy / Narrator [vo] :
For six days, the public were under the impression that Holmes was at the door of death...

[Outside Baker Street. Sir Leslie is giving a press conference.]

Harry / Sir Leslie :
I'm afraid it's not looking good. She's come down with the yellow atrophy.

Sarah Jane :
I've never heard of it.

Harry / Sir Leslie :
Well, old thing, that's why I'm the doctor and you're the journalist, isn't it?

Sarah Jane :
Just wait till I get my hands on you.

Penny Carter :
What do you think her chances are?

Harry / Sir Leslie :
Let me put it like this: I don't think she ought to start reading any long books.

[Watson arrives and dives into the front door, ignoring shouted questions. Inside, Holmes is in bed, reading yesterday's newspaper.]

Shou Yuing / Watson :
You look a lot better today.

Ace / Holmes :
Yeah, considering it says here I've got warping reflux, hectical eyes, moon destruction and I don't know what else.

Shou Yuing / Watson :
I don't think anyone knows what else. I mean, moon destruction? Seriously? What does that do?

Ace / Holmes :
Stops you mooning at people, I suppose. Anyway, what's up?

Shou Yuing / Watson :
Look at this. [She hands over another newspaper.] Stop Press. Baron Gruner's off to America on Friday to sort things out before the wedding.

Ace / Holmes :
He's worried. Thinks I'm onto something. Well, we need to get him before he does. Watson, I want you to do something for me.

Shou Yuing / Watson :
I am here to be used, Holmes.

Ace / Holmes :
Thanks, but there's no time for that now. Do you know anything about Chinese pottery?

Shou Yuing / Watson :
Not a thing.

Ace / Holmes :
Well, by tomorrow you need to be an expert. There's a guy called Lomax at the library in St James's Square. He'll get you the right books.

Shou Yuing / Watson :
Like I'm bothering with that. Wikipedia, here I come.