TTR / Storytime! Macbeth

Act 5

Once the bathtub had cooled down, Jamie and Samantha had taken it to the kitchen and put off dealing with it until a more convenient time. But not all the evidence could be so easily disposed of.

"You couldn't find a stepladder, then?" Samantha asked.

"Neither hide nor hair of one," Jamie replied despondently. "But I wouldnae have let you climb it anyway."

"I'd have been happy to let you go up. I could have stood at the bottom and enjoyed the view."

They looked up again at the scorch mark on the ceiling.

"Face it," Samantha said. "We're not getting that cleaned up. It wouldn't be a soap and water job even if we could get up there."

Jamie sighed. "We'll jist have tae get on wi' the story and hope we finish before Izzy comes back..."

[Act 5, Scene 1. Dunsinane. Ante-room in the castle. Enter a Doctor of Physic and a Waiting-Gentlewoman.]

Fifth Doctor :
So, you say she's been sleepwalking?

Martha / Gentlewoman :
Ever since her husband went away. Up and down all night, writing nonsense on bits of paper.

Fifth Doctor :
Does she say anything?

Martha / Gentlewoman :
Yeah. But you wouldn't believe me if I told you what.

[Enter Lady Macbeth with a taper.]

Martha / Gentlewoman :
There you are. Now you can see for yourself.

Fifth Doctor [trying very hard to keep his expression solemn] :
Well I never did. Tegan playing Lady Macbeth. Who'd have thought it?

[Lady Macbeth frowns, but manages to retain the appearance of sleepwalking.]

Martha :
If you think there's something funny about the casting don't bother to notice which one of us actually has proper medical qualifications, and which one of us ends up playing the maid. Again.

Fifth Doctor [whose mind was apparently elsewhere] :
What?

[Lady Macbeth frowns again, and taps her foot on the floor.]

Martha :
Oh, nothing. Let's get on with it.

Fifth Doctor :
You're sure she's asleep?

Martha / Gentlewoman :
Positive. She don't notice a thing. [She waves her hand in front of Lady Macbeth's face; no response.]

Tegan / Lady Macbeth [making handwashing motions] :
Yet here's a spot. Out, damned spot; out, I say. What need we fear who knows it, when none can call our power to account? Yet who would have thought the old man to have so much blood in him?

Fifth Doctor [scribbling frantically on a notepad] :
This is all fascinating.

Tegan / Lady Macbeth [still handwashing] :
The Thane of Fife had a wife. Where is she now? What, will these hands ne'er be clean?

Fifth Doctor [to Martha] :
I think you'd better forget this. You have known what you should not.

Martha / Gentlewoman :
She has spoke what she should not, I am sure of that.

Tegan [suddenly fully compos mentis] :
I'll have you know I'm following the script to the letter.

Martha / Gentlewoman :
Look, I didn't mean it like that...

Tegan :
It's bad enough being cast as a homicidally insane villainess without you lot telling me I can't get my lines right. Like yours are 100% Shakespeare either.

Martha / Gentlewoman :
Can I get a word in edgew...

Tegan :
And another thing. How am I supposed to be doing handwashing while I'm holding a lighted taper? It's lucky this thing's only a battery-powered prop, or I'd have set fire to something by now.

[The Fifth Doctor takes her by the hand.]

Fifth Doctor :
Tegan, Tegan, Tegan. No-one was criticising your ability to deliver the correct lines.

Tegan :
Oh.

Fifth Doctor :
So if you could just get back into character, we'd all be very grateful. Martha, can we have Tegan's cue please?

[Tegan lets her eyes go glazed.]

Martha / Gentlewoman :
Heaven knows what she has known.

Tegan / Lady Macbeth :
Here's the smell of the blood still. All the perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this little hand. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Fifth Doctor [automatically] :
Brave heart, Tegan.

Martha / Gentlewoman :
I would not have such a heart in my bosom for the dignity of my whole body.

Tegan [snapping out of it again] :
What's wrong with my heart?

Fifth Doctor :
Nothing, Tegan, it's very nice. But we really need you to stay in character. You shouldn't be finding it so difficult.

Tegan :
No, it's no good. I've lost the mood now.

Fifth Doctor [with a sigh] :
Look into my eyes, Tegan. You can do this. You are feeling sleepy, very sleepy...

Tegan :
Oh, no you don't. [She yawns.]

Fifth Doctor :
You're almost asleep, Tegan. You should go to bed.

Tegan / Lady Macbeth :
To bed, to bed. There's knocking at the gate. Come, come, come, come, give me your hand. To bed, to bed, to bed.

[Exit Lady Macbeth.]

Martha / Gentlewoman :
You realise that sounded like she was propositioning you?

Fifth Doctor :
What?

Martha / Gentlewoman :
Sorry if you think I'm stating the obvious, only I know half the time you couldn't spot a lovestruck companion if she was jumping up and down in front of you shouting "I'm a lovestruck companion." You might call me an expert on the subject.

Fifth Doctor :
Oh, nonsense, Martha. Seeing more than's there
Is something we must always guard against;
By adding two and two and making five
The brightest mind can fail. Look after her;
Remove from her the means of all anoyance,
And still keep eyes upon her. So, good night:
My mind she has mated—

[He breaks off mid-sentence, and his face goes completely blank for some seconds.]

Martha / Gentlewoman [snapping her fingers in front of his face] :
Hello? Hello? Doctor?

Fifth Doctor :
I think, but dare not speak.

Martha / Gentlewoman :
Yeah, I bet.

[Exeunt.]

Jamie set down the book, and caught hold of little Sarah, who was staggering about with her hands stretched out in front of her and her eyes half-closed.

"And what d'ye think you're doing?" he asked her.

"I don't know," Sarah said. "I'm asleep."

"Sleepwalking, aye? And ye wouldnae be trying to sleepwalk into the kitchen and steal the sweeties, now?"

Sarah merely closed her eyes tightly and began making snoring noises. Jamie sighed, picked her up, and carried her back to where the other children were.

"Keep an eye on her," he said. "And if she keeps making that noise no-one's going tae hear what happened next."

Harry experimentally pulled her hair, which certainly stopped the snoring, but replaced it with angry cries. Samantha hurried across to separate the combatants before the situation escalated.

[Act 5, Scene 2. The country near Dunsinane. Enter Menteith, Caithness, Angus, Lennox and soldiers.]

Yates / Menteith :
Malcolm and the English aren't far away.

Group Capt Gilmore / Angus :
Best if we rendezvous at Birnam.

Yates / Menteith :
Any news on the tyrant?

Bambera / Caithness :
He's holed up at Dunsinane.

Yates / Menteith :
Then he'll probably be digging in for a long siege. I'll get the artificers to see about getting some engines built.

"Steam engines?" asked the little Fourth Doctor hopefully.

"Siege engines, you idiot," said the baby Rani. "Catapults throwing big rocks, or dead horses to spread disease in the castle."

"Why are the horsies dead?" little Jo asked. "Did someone kill them? That isn't nice."

"There won't be any dead horses," Jamie said. "This isnae that kind of story."

"I want dead horses," the Rani pouted.

[Act 5, Scene 3. Dunsinane. A room in the castle. Enter Macbeth, the Doctor of Physic, and attendants.]

Turlough / Macbeth :
Don't talk to me about Ice Warriors. Just when a heavy cruiser would come in useful they decide, what a shame, they've got an urgent appointment to have their carapaces waxed. Treacherous swine. The moment my back's turned everyone's off consorting with the English. Well, what do I care?

Antimony / Seyton [appearing suddenly behind him] :
I don't know. What do you care?

Turlough / Macbeth [jumps and spins round] :
You aren't supposed to come until I call you.

Antimony / Seyton :
Sorry. Would you like me to go out and then you can call me and I'll come in again?

Turlough / Macbeth :
No, you might as well stay. I'm going out to inspect the soldiers. Get me my armour.

Antimony / Seyton :
Isn't that a bit early, your majesty?

Turlough / Macbeth :
That's rich coming from someone who jumped his cue. What is wrong with everyone?

Antimony / Seyton :
I don't know, your majesty. Speaking for myself, I am in excellent condition.

Turlough / Macbeth :
Go away. [Aside] Creepy androids. They're worse than the creepy kids. [He turns to the Doctor.] Doctor, what do you make of my wife?

Fifth Doctor :
Well, in all honesty, I'd recommend sedatives.

Turlough / Macbeth :
I could have told you that, bearing in mind who's playing her.

Fifth Doctor :
Anyway, there's nothing much I can do for her.

Turlough / Macbeth :
Not much of a doctor, are you?

Fifth Doctor :
To be frank, Turlough, you don't entirely convince me as the Tyrant of Scotland either.

Turlough / Macbeth :
Throw physic to the dogs; I'll none of it.
[To an attendant] Come, put my armour on. On me, smart guy.
Not that way round— I'll put it on myself.
Just bring it after me. It's time we left.
I will not be afraid of death and bane
Till Birnam Forest come to Dunsinane.

[Exeunt all but the Doctor.]

Fifth Doctor :
Were I from Dunsinane away and clear,
Profit again should hardly draw me here.

[He steps into a wardrobe, which dematerialises.]

Samantha glanced over Jamie's shoulder at the script. "Meanwhile, the English army approaches", she said.

[Act 5, Scene 4. Country near Birnam Wood. Drum and colours. Enter Malcolm, Siward and Young Siward, Macduff, Menteith, Caithness, Angus, Lennox, Ross, and Soldiers, marching.]

Mickey / Malcolm :
Cousins, I hope the days are near at hand
That chambers will be safe.

Yates / Menteith :
We doubt it nothing.

Ancelyn / Siward :
What wood is this before us?

Yates / Menteith :
The wood of Birnam.

Mickey / Malcolm :
Let every soldier hew him down a bough—

[Jo, Nancy, Blonde Sam and Mel rush in. Jo and Mel chain themselves to trees; the others unfurl Greenpeace banners.]

Jo :
No! Save the trees!

Nancy :
Don't you dare pillage our ecological birthright!

Blonde Sam :
Women Against Irresponsible Forestry!

Jamie / Narrator :
Now, lassies, there's no need for all this fuss...

Mel :
Then let's hope a reasonable compromise can be found.

Jamie / Narrator :
Um. We could use plastic branches instead?

[The eco-warriors gasp in horror.]

Blonde Sam :
Wasting the planet's precious resources on throwaway projects!

Jo :
And I bet they won't be recycled. They'll end up in a landfill somewhere.

Jamie / Narrator [hoping against hope] :
Papier-maché?

[Renewed gasps.]

Mel :
Chlorine bleach!

Nancy :
Toxic effluent!

Jo :
Dibenzurofans!

Jamie gave Samantha a despairing look. She shrugged and took the book out of his hands.

Samantha / Narrator :
The invading army weren't about to be stopped by a few fruitcakes in tie-dyed shirts. The troublemakers were swiftly dispersed with police dogs and water cannon.

[K-9 glides in and cuts Jo and Mel free with his blaster. As he moves clear, buckets of water are thrown over the eco-warriors from offstage.]

Ninth Doctor / Macduff :
Right. Let's get a move on.

Ancelyn / Siward :
The time approaches
That will with due decision make us know
What we shall say we have, and what we owe.

[Exeunt, marching.]

Jamie glanced over the script for the next act. Then he read and reread one particular stage direction.

"Samantha," he said. "I think Tegan may need some encouragement with the next bit. D'ye think you could pop into the story, just in case?"

"Right you are. Meanwhile, back at the castle..."

[Act 5, Scene 5. Dunsinane. Within the Castle. Enter Macbeth, Seyton, and soldiers, with drum and colours].

Turlough / Macbeth :
Hang out our banners on the outward walls;
The cry is still 'They come:' our castle's strength
Will laugh a siege to scorn: here let them...

[He trails off as distant sounds of an argument are heard.]

Samantha's voice :
Look, just get on with it.

Tegan's voice :
Why? I don't remember this in any version of Macbeth that I've seen. Has Jamie been nicking bits from somewhere else?

Samantha's voice :
What's the matter, scared? Look, I promise you it'll be perfectly safe.

Tegan's voice :
Easy for you to be brave when you don't have to do it.

Samantha's voice :
I've met your sort before. Give you a purple hat and you think you can treat the rest of us like dirt.

Tegan's voice :
I'm not having some gobby Scouse brat talk to me like that...

Turlough / Macbeth :
What is that noise?

Antimony / Seyton :
It is the cry of women, my good lord.

Turlough / Macbeth :
Yes, I rather gathered that. Go and find out what the problem is.

Antimony / Seyton :
At once, your majesty. [He leaves.]

Turlough / Macbeth :
I have almost—

Tegan's voice :
All right! Anything to shut you up! Here goes!

[She falls downward past the window. Then she reappears, going up. Then again, going down.]

Tegan's voice [fading in and out as she bounces] :
Trampolines! What pillock thought a trampoline was a good idea?

[Enter Seyton.]

Antimony / Seyton :
The queen, my lord, is—

Tegan's voice :
Someone help me down off this thing!

Samantha's voice :
There, that wasn't too bad, was it?

Antimony / Seyton :
The queen, my lord—

Tegan's voice [fading as she walks away] :
I notice you aren't exactly rushing to do it. And I told you, chucking yourself off the castle walls belongs in Tosca, not Macbeth. Who's monkeying with the script?

[Macbeth and Seyton wait in case she pipes up again. She doesn't.]

Antimony / Seyton :
The queen, my lord, is dead.

Turlough / Macbeth [pointedly] :
This is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

[Enter a Messenger.]

Turlough / Macbeth :
Thou comest to use thy tongue; thy story quickly.

Donna / Messenger :
If you think you're going to be making free with my tongue, dream on, mate.

Turlough / Macbeth :
Look, just speak your piece and get out of here.

Donna / Messenger :
As I did stand my watch upon the hill,
I look'd toward Birnam, and anon, methought,
The wood began to move.

- * -

The Rolls-Royce stopped at Izzy's frantic waving. Its back door opened.

"Need a lift?" Jabe asked.

"Yes, please." Izzy sank gratefully into the plush upholstery. "Are you going anywhere near the creche?"

"Not a problem." Jabe rapped on the partition separating her from her driver. "Rhodri, we're going to stop off at Look Who's Talking."

The car accelerated in the direction of Nameless.

- * -

Turlough / Macbeth :
Liar and slave!

[Donna slaps him.]

Donna / Messenger :
If you treat all your employees like that it's no wonder everyone's gone over to the English. I resign.

[She storms out.]

Turlough / Macbeth :
If this which she avouches does appear,
There is nor flying hence nor tarrying here.
I gin to be aweary of the sun,
And wish the estate o' the world were now undone.
Ring the alarum-bell! Blow, wind! come, wrack!
At least we'll die with harness on our back.

[Exeunt.]

"There," Samantha said. "I can wrap her round me little finger. Meanwhile, back with the English..."

She sat down among the toddlers and picked up Baby Tegan, who promptly and deliberately bit her.

[Act 5, Scene 6. Dunsinane. Before the castle. Drum and colours. Enter Malcolm, Siward, Macduff and their army, with boughs.]

Mickey / Malcolm :
Now near enough: your leafy screens throw down.
And show like those you are.

[They drop the branches. The four members of WAIF, still dripping wet, dash in breathlessly.]

Blonde Sam :
Typical! Pillage the planet's resources for some temporary gain and then just throw away what you've stolen—

[More buckets of water are thrown over her; she splutters and falls silent.]

Nancy :
Actually, if you stacked all those branches in a heap you'd have quite a nice habitat for insects.

Mickey :
Then make it so. All would rejoice to see
Your words of warning turned to deeds of worth.

[Macduff gives him an odd look.]

Ninth Doctor / Macduff :
Getting a bit carried away there, aren't you, Ricky?

[The four eco-activists reluctantly start stacking the branches.]

Ancelyn / Siward :
Do we but find the tyrant's power to-night,
Let us be beaten, if we cannot fight.

Ninth Doctor / Macduff :
Fine. Let's get a move on.

[Exeunt.]

Samantha wrapped a handkerchief round her bitten finger.

"You do that again," she said threateningly, "And I'll belt you one. Meanwhile, Macbeth fights for his crown..."

[Act 5, Scene 7. Another part of the field.]

Turlough / Macbeth :
Looks like they're all human so far. I might still get away with it.

[Enter Young Siward.]

Benton / Young Siward :
What is thy name?

Turlough / Macbeth :
Macbeth. Scared yet?

Benton / Young Siward :
Not really. Without your hired assassins you couldn't kill anyone.

Turlough / Macbeth :
We'll see about that.

[He draws his claymore. They fight. After a couple of blows Benton claps his hand to his head and collapses with a groan.]

Turlough / Macbeth :
Thou wast born of woman,
But swords I smile at, weapons laugh to scorn,
Brandished by man that's—

[He breaks off. Benton appears to be turning into a Primord.]

"He's changing! He's changing!" Vicki danced around in triumph.

"He's been using Swarfega," said little Liz smugly. "Told you so."

Benton / Primord :
Rrrrrrrrgghhhhhhh....

Turlough / Macbeth [backing away nervously] :
Hello? Jamie? Samantha? I don't remember this bit from school. How do I get away?

Jamie / Narrator :
Ye need something cold. Like a fire extinguisher.

Turlough / Macbeth :
And where am I going to find that on the middle of an eleventh-century battlefield?

Jamie looked pleadingly at Samantha. "This isnae supposed tae happen! Any ideas?"

Samantha shook her head. "I suppose those Ice Warriors wouldn't be any good?"

"No, they're called that because they canna stand heat," Jamie explained.

"Daleks!" little Davros suggested. "Movie Daleks!"

"We're no' having Daleks in this story," Jamie said firmly.

Baby Susan took her thumb out of her mouth. "What about those water cannons the other army had?" she asked.

"Brilliant!" Samantha said.

Jamie / Narrator :
Macbeth hastily made for a water cannon that the other side had abandoned and turned it on the monster.

[Buckets of water are thrown over the primord, resulting in a great deal of steam and roaring. Turlough / Macbeth scarpers.]

Samantha didn't have time for more than a breathless "Meanwhile, Macduff continues his search..." before the action resumed.

[Act 5, Scene 8. Another part of the field. Alarums. Enter Macduff.]

Ninth Doctor / Macduff :
That way the noise is. Tyrant, show thy face!

[A party of Ice Warriors can be seen approaching. He aims his gun at them, then thinks better of it and ducks down behind the pile of branches. Once they have passed, he re-emerges.]

Ninth Doctor / Macduff :
Poor sods. Mercenaries. I'm not going to kill them for doing their job. Now, where's Macbeth got to?

[Exit. Alarum.]

"Meanwhile, back with the English..."

[Act 5, Scene 9. Another part of the field. Enter Malcolm and Siward.]

Ancelyn / Siward :
This way, my lord. The castle's gently rendered.

Mickey / Malcolm :
I think I'd go for pebbledash myself.

Ancelyn / Siward [sighs] :
I mean they've surrendered. Enter, sir, the castle.

[Exeunt. Alarum.]

"Meanwhile, in the steam baths in Edgware Road..."

Jamie stared at Samantha.

"Are you feeling all right?" he asked her.

"Sorry, dunno what I was thinking there."

Jamie shrugged. "Meanwhile, back with Macbeth..."

[Act 5, Scene 10. Another part of the field.]

Turlough / Macbeth :
The battle's lost. But that doesn't mean I'll go quietly.

[Enter Macduff, with his big gun.]

Ninth Doctor / Macduff :
If you want to live, drop your sword.

Turlough / Macbeth :
"No man of woman born." Let me guess.

Ninth Doctor / Macduff [nodding] :
Looms.

Turlough / Macbeth :
Go on, then, get it over with.

Ninth Doctor / Macduff :
Everyone deserves a chance. There's been so much bloodshed already. Why don't you just surrender?

Turlough / Macbeth :
I will not yield,
To kiss the ground before young Malcolm's feet,
And to be baited with the rabble's curse.
Though Birnam wood be come to Dunsinane,
And thou opposed, being of no woman born,
Yet I will try the last. Before my body
I throw my warlike shield. Lay on, Macduff,
And—

[Macduff fires. There is a blaze of light, and then all that remains of Macbeth is a pair of smoking boots.]

The toddlers cheered.

Ninth Doctor / Macduff :
All talk and no do. [Shakes his head sadly.] What a waste.

[Act 5, Scene 11. Another part of the field. Retreat and flourish. Enter with a drummer and colours Malcolm, Siward, Ross, thanes and soldiers.]

Mickey / Malcolm [to Siward] :
Macduff is missing, and your noble son.

Brigadier / Ross :
I'm afraid your son's dead. Nasty business. Had to put him out of his misery. [He holsters his revolver.]

Ancelyn / Siward :
As long as his wounds were on the front, then he died well.

[Enter Macduff.]

Ninth Doctor / Macduff :
Um. I should have brought you the usurper's cursèd head, except I got a bit carried away with, you know, the gun and everything, and there wasn't a head left. So here's an "I heart Manchester" T-shirt instead.

Mickey / Malcolm :
I really hope you're joking. Knowing what
You tend to buy when getting things for Rose
I'd give that shirt about one chance in ten
That it won't be too small or fade with use.

Ninth Doctor / Macduff :
Ricky the idiot — and I never thought I'd say this — Hail, King of Scotland.

All except Malcolm :
Hail, King of Scotland!

Mickey / Malcolm :
We shall not spend a large expanse of time...

Jamie / Narrator :
Then don't.

Mickey / Malcolm :
I get the message. 'Tis indeed high time
To finish off. This and what needful else
That calls upon us, by the grace of grace
We will perform in measure, time and place.
So thanks to all at once, and to each one,
Whom we invite to see us crowned at Scone.

[Flourish. Exeunt Omnes.]

"One doesn't rhyme with Scone!" the little Second Doctor protested. "Or even with scone."

"Aye, but ye're no' expected tae notice that." Jamie looked around at his audience. "Anyway, that's the end of the story."

"Who were all those kings the witches showed Macbeth?" little Nyssa asked.

"Banquo's descendants," Jamie explained. "The Stuart dynasty, the true kings of Britain."

"How can they be true kings if they're stewards?" Baby Anji complained. "Dave says, in The Lord of the Rings—"

Before she could finish her question, the door was flung open and Izzy stalked in, holding a three-foot black rod with a rusty star on the end.

"Well, well, well," she said. "Look what the cat dragged in. I'm surprised at you, Jamie. As you know, I've been speaking to Zoë — who I was pleased to see didn't accompany you, so presumably she's learned her lesson — and Isobel and Victoria. They all said they'd warned you, and you didn't listen."

"That isnae quite exactly how it was," Jamie protested, backing away.

"Obviously I was too lenient last time. A second offence deserves a harsher punishment. Oh, and where's your little friend?"

"She's over here, miss," said baby Tegan, jumping up and down and waving.

Samantha extricated herself from a tangle of toddlers. Izzy pointed the rod in her direction.

"Good," she said. "Get over there with Jamie."

Samantha scowled defiantly. "Do you think you can frighten us with that?"

Izzy waved the rod at a nearby chair, which turned into a plush, chair-sized, cuddly frog.

"Any further questions?" she asked. "No? Then stand in the Naughty Corner and face me."

The two unauthorised storytellers reluctantly backed into the corner.

"Ye wouldnae really change us intae frogs?" Jamie pleaded.

Izzy grinned. "Why not? You've put me to considerable trouble today. I think it's only right that some of it is visited upon you. And as you suffer through the next few days, green and croaking and eating flies, you might care to reflect on the rashness of meddling with things you know nothing about..."

"She's turned into a gloating villainess!" Samantha whispered to Jamie. "If she keeps banging on we might escape."

Izzy shook her head. "No such luck."

She raised the wand.