Introduction: Thanks to BKWillis and D. Killings for the glowing reviews
of my first story. Now, here's my first attempt at a crossover story.
This crossover uses characters from one of the best sitcoms ever written:
Perry and Croft's Dad's Army. What happens when the Brigadier's UNIT force
is put out of action and he must rely on Mainwaring's misfits? Well, read
on and see. Its in two parts as the first section's break seemed a good
place to stop off and a great place for a cliffhanger.
RANT: I accidently composed this in Microsoft Word 7.0. Which meant it
looked like complete smeg when I tried to post it. I've spent more time
formatting this document than I have in writing it! I hope it looks alright
on your machines.
Captain Mainwaring's War Pt.1 : A Psycho Nyssa To Die For Story
By Tony Velasquez
Bodies of UNIT soldiers lie scattered around the room. They were
unmoving and the room was as quiet as a crypt. The Brigadier groaned,
grasping his head. He looked around the room blearily, in immense pain.
The brave Brigadier had never known such pain. He regarded his soldiers,
Sergeant Benton, Captain Yates, Corporal Bell, all unmoving and unconscious.
"What happened to us..." he groaned. Then his arm toppled over the bottle
of Jack Daniels. "Ohhh.." moaned the Brigadier.
It was all coming back now. Some party or another. Some
agreement made. The fragments of the previous night ran from the
Brigadier's consciousness like scared chickens. But he eventually caught
enough of them to make some sense of the scene of devastation and excess
before him. He had been at the This Time Round pub. He was talking to
someone, boasting about his leadership skills. She was a pretty girl.
Slim, beautiful elfin face, nice legs, she was familiar somehow.
"Nyssa of Traken, yes, that was it." He murmured to himself.
Then he remembered his rash bet. He had bet Nyssa a hundred pounds that
his men could keep Adric from being killed by her for one day. "Sergeant
Benton, Captain Yates!" he screamed. He immediately regretted this as it
only brought searing pain to his hangover tortured brain. Benton moaned a
little when the Brigadier gave him a small kick but other than that there
were no signs of consciousness.
"Dammit Man, wake up! We've got a bet on!" he cried to the
senseless men. "Strange..." The Brigadier was talking to himself again.
"Why haven't they recovered yet. These men are so much younger than I am
too. Then again, they don't make 'em anymore like they did in my day!"
The Brigadier started to move around as much as he could.
Emptied bottles of booze of every type were lying around. "That Nyssa
girl... she came back here with us to have a party... to show no hard
feelings..." The Brigadier grabbed a random bottle. He smelt at it.
And then, with a growl of rage, he ran from the room.
"We're lost... again!" said an aging sergeant. He was sitting in
the front of an antique van. A portly balding captain with eyes blazing
with the hunt for glory sat next to him. On the other side, driving, was an
equally aged lance corporal.
"What do you mean, we're lost, Wilson. You've been reading
directions to Jones from the map!" growled the Captain.
"Well, I don't recognize these roads. Look here on the map.
'Temporal Interdimensional Hole, avoid. So I said we should turn left..."
stammered Wilson. The captain ripped the map out of his hands.
"You're holding the thing upside down Wilson! I do wish you'd
pull yourself together!"
"I think he's right Captain Mainwaring! We may have gone through
the Tentacle Intercontinental Hole," babbled Corporal Jones, "I said as much
when we drove through that shimmering thingie a while back."
Suddenly, an ancient wizened head popped up into the cab.
"I've heard all that. What did I tell ye Captain Mainwaring?
We're doomed! DOOMED!" the man screamed in a thick Scottish accent.
"Fraser, get back in the back. That's an order. Now give me
that map, Wilson. Jones, lets find a place to turn around." Captain
Mainwaring and Sergeant Wilson began a fumbling fight over the map.
Finally, after nearly knocking off the captain's glasses, and knocking off
both their hats, Mainwaring got the map.
"I don't like this. I do not like this!" cried out Jones.
"Look, over there, a pub. We'll stop there and ask directions."
"What a good idea!"
"For directions, Wilson. Please do try not to get drunk." Snapped
Mainwaring. Sergeant Wilson gave him a pained look and began to stammer but
Mainwaring's hard stare cut him off.
"Now see here young lady, what have you done to my men!" Yelled
Brigadier Alastair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart as soon as he burst in the This
Nyssa was sitting at the bar, sipping an Adric's Demise. Poor
ole Adric was polishing the countertop, keeping his distance from the docile
psychopath. A knot of people sat not far away, lead by a young man in a
red uniform. A bizarre lot, the Adric Defense Force, they were doing their
bit to enforce the terms of the bet. Their ears perked up when the
Brigadier came storming in, grasping his head.
"Good morning, Brigadier, sleep well?" said Nyssa so sweetly that
the American Dental Association would have stamped a warning on her in a
second. She turned around and leaned against the counter.
"Did I sleep well?!? I've been drugged!"
"Only your men."
"The bet was between us. You'd keep me from killing Adric, but
only you. I said nothing about you using fifty of your strong armed men to
help you." Nyssa's voice was positively seductive by now. But the
Brigadier was not so susceptible to such crude attempts at mind control.
"It was a bet about my leadership, Miss! And as of now, I
consider the bet off."
Nyssa spasmed and twitched. All sweetness was gone and she pulled
a half a dozen weapons out of her tiny costume. It must have been
"The Bet Is Not Off!" she roared, "Unless you care to give up. If
you give up, you pay me one hundred pounds. If you just try to back
out.... YOU DIE!" the little Trakenite roared in murderous rage.
The Brigadier hung his head. "I have no choice then. But how
can I alone defend him from you. You are a murderous genius. A psycho of
such hideous capacity..."
"Please, please, Brigadier, compliments will get no nowhere."
Mewed Nyssa, sweet once again, "now, Adric gets off shift in half an hour,
then he gets expelled from the This Time Around. He's fair meat then. I
am now going back to the TARDIS. In one half-hour, I shall seek him out and
kill him. Then I shall collect my one hundred pounds. Its that simple,
Brigadier." Nyssa brushed past him and slid her hand across his shoulder,
a gesture that filled the Brigadier with all the terror it was meant to do.
Jones' van pealed into the driveway.
"I don't like this, I do not like this at all!" cried Jones. He
hadn't stopped crying that for ten minutes.
"Oh, shut up Jones. C'mon men! Dismount!" cried Mainwaring,
first at Jones then into the body of the truck. Around ten men shuffled
out of the back of the van, tired and stretching. Most of them were older,
part of that brave and fearless army, The Local Defense Force, also known as
The Home Guard. One of their number was quite young though. And this
young man ran up to Captain Mainwaring.
"Mr. Mainwaring? Mr. Wainwaring?"
"Yes, what is it Pike?"
"Can I come in there too. I have to go to the bathroom."
Captain Mainwaring regarded Pike with undisguised irritation.
"Yes, yes, I expect so."
"Captain Mainwaring!" cried out a little old man, hobbling
"Yes, yes, you too Godfrey..."
The Brigadier strode nobly out of the This Time Around, ready to
face his fate as a soldier. That is, to go back to his room and find his
last pay packet. There should be a hundred pounds there to pay Nyssa with.
The Brigadier looked up and did a double take. There, in the parking lot,
was an ancient van, and in front of it was a gaggle of British soldiers.
The Brigadier's heart jumped with the thought of how fantastically wonderful
were the fortunes of the British Army, always snatching victory from the
jaws of defeat. He ran forward to the men, noticing that they were older
men. Their weapons were antiques and they only had their rifles.
"Captain!" bellowed the Brigadier. Captain Mainwaring spun
"Platoon, aten-HUT!" he shouted, quickly saluting. His men
shuffled into some semblance of order, pushing and shoving against each
other until they were happy that they were standing in something approaching
a straight line.
"Who are you?"
"Captain George Mainwaring, Walmington-On-Sea Home Guard! Sir,
I'm glad to have found you. Our patrol has lost our bearings and..."
"Captain Mainwaring!" the Brigadier cut him off, "You will
consider yourself under my command. A very grave situation has arisen
"Good lord! Not the Invasion!"
"No, no, nothing to do with the Cybermen. You must help me to
prevent a murder." Mainwaring's troops glanced at each other and murmuring
ran through their ranks. What was this crazy Brigadier talking about.
Mainwaring turned to Wilson who turned to Jones and they all exchanged
"Permission to speak, sir!" cried out Jones who continued before
anyone said anything. "I fought the Khyber Men before. It was in India,
sir, and a long time ago. Oh, I was a young lad then. I remember Lord
Kitchener came out to us and said 'Boys! Don't' forget, these Khyber Men
don't like the ole' cold steel. Especially up 'em. Nope, they do not like
it up 'em. They do not like it!"
The Brigadier stared in astonishment. He was getting used to
these temporal anomalies at the This Time Around, but he had hoped it would
bring him more competent solders than a bunch of crazy Home Guard from World
War Two Britain. Jones was still babbling on and on about his early days
with the Khyber Men, most of it obviously products of his senile deluded
mind. Mainwaring listened patiently as he always did, then, after about
fifteen minutes, Jones wound down.
"And that's who the Khyber Men are sir."
"Thank you, Jones."
"Et Tu, Brute?" groaned Adric to Wesley.
"Its from Julius Caesar. I just thought I should show off how
intelligent of a little sad git I am again." Said Adric gloomily.
"Oh, that. I never got past throwing up over Romeo and Juliet
myself." Said Wesley, "Look, we can't help you today. You'll just have to
go out there and get killed. I hope you have a hundred pounds, the
Brigadier is probably going to try to make good his loses from you."
"Oh, nice! All right then. I'll go out there and die hideously.
I don't care. I'll give you all a bloody good laugh!" cried Adric at the
Adric Defense Force. With several whimpers, he turned away from them and
walked out of the pub. The ADF all had pained expressions on their face
and were terribly devastated, but what could they do? The Brigadier had
given his word as a man of honor, and they had to let him have his honor, no
matter how stupid that might be.
At last, the Brigadier had talked some sense into Mainwaring and
his men. They were no longer in England. That weird anomaly on their map
had sent them into some strange world where people traveled through time,
were terrified of dustbins with plungers, and had frustrated psycho girls
who killed stupid boys like Pike in hideous ways for the fun of it. Pike
wasn't happy to hear that. Of course, Mainwaring blamed Wilson for
"This is your fault, Wilson. If you hadn't been holding that map
upside down, we'd all be at the Red Lion by now."
"Now Sir! I wasn't driving, Jonesy should have stopped at the
"Captain Mainwaring..." gulped Pike, "I'm sure I shouldn't stay
here. That Nyssa may try to kill me and that wouldn't make my mom half
"Oh stop whimpering, you sloppy boy!"
"I don't like this Mainwaring. There are forces at work that we
know very little about. We'll never make it home alive! Never! Doomed!
We're all Doomed!" screamed Fraser.
"Captain! There he is!" bellowed the Brigadier. Mainwaring drew
his pistol and led his men forward. They crouched low, peaking around the
corner of their van. A young man that the Brigadier identified as Adric
was walking out of the pub. He was looking very dejected, peering from one
side to another, kicking at the dirt.
"That's him. That's Adric!" hissed the Brigadier.
"All right, men, fix bayonets. Jones! Ring of steel around
that lad, on the double!"
Adric looked up to see a gaggle of old men running at him with
long shiny bayonets at the end of old fashioned rifles. He screamed and
ran headlong into the brush. He easily outran the old men, and Pike was
far too scared to follow him into the bushes. There might be worms and
slugs and creepy-crawlies in there!
"You stupid boy! You let him get away!" bellowed Mainwaring.
"But Mr. Mainwaring! There might be worms in there, or slugs, or
The Brigadier groaned in frustration. He was sure he would soon
be poorer by one hundred pounds.
Nyssa was watching from the bushes. Her face was smeared with
black and green cammo paint. She was dressed in elaborate camouflage
clothing complete with boots and gloves of black dull leather. She was
dying to try out the outfit, it only came today from Amazon.com and was the
"Jungle Warrior Nyssa" line. Nyssa watched as the Brigadier seemed to
recruit a group of old men, then she watched in confusion as she made them
charge at Adric, bayonets drawn.
"What's he doing?" she murmured to herself, putting down her
binoculars. "He's trying to kill Adric himself. Of course! I'm sure he
thinks if he kills Adric, that somehow he wins the bet! That must be it.
The fool! Okay then, we'll play your little game. I'm going to guard
Adric from your octogenarian troops! I'm going to keep Adric alive!"
INSERT CLIFFHANGER SOUND HERE.
End of Part 1
Credits where Credits are Due:
Story Copyright 1999 by Tony Velasquez. (firstname.lastname@example.org) Please ask
before using or abusing.
Dad's Army and Characters are creations of David Croft and Jimmy Perry, and
are owned by the BBC.
Doctor Who is copyright by the BBC.
Any and all similarities to television shows past and present are absolutely