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with a certain program by a certain all-powerful powermad Megalomaniac's
computer program which doesn't like it when you try to use software other
than his own to post to the Internet. :-)
Captain Mainwaring's War Pt.2 : A Psycho Nyssa To Die For Story
By Tony Velasquez
Wilson stood before Ace and Leela beaming from ear to ear.
"How lovely you two look. How beautiful. And that can of Nitro-9
seems to go so well with your hair." Ace sighed tiredly at the randy old
sergeant. "And you, um, Miss Leela. That skimpy leather outfit! It makes
your waist look so tiny!"
Captain Mainwaring came up to Sergeant Wilson and pulled him away
by his arm.
"Wilson! Wilson! What the devil is the matter with you. Can't
you leave those girls alone? Come along, pull yourself together!"
"Yeah, that's right Captain Pudge-Pot, " cried Ace, "Take this old
git away before he gets himself blown." Ace winked at Leela.
"I assure you Madame, he will trouble you no more!" said Captain
"Bother? We were quite enjoying it!" said Leela happily as Ace
grinned hungrily. Mainwaring did a double take and dragged Wilson off as
fast as he could.
The Brigadier had set up a chalkboard in the middle of the main
lounge and was lecturing Mainwaring's troops. Pike watched with an empty
expression on his face and Jones interrupted the Brig every five minutes
with stupid questions. Frazer sat sharpening his bayonet and kept making
disparaging remarks about the whole plan.
"Now, I'm going to set up a watch on the bridge here, between the
TARDIS and the pub..."
"Did it ever occur to ye that she might swim the river. From what
I saw, it weren't deep enough to get the belly of a highland sheep wet."
Sneered Frazer in his thick accent.
"Permission to speak, Sir!" cried out Jones, "How 'bout if we
dress up as nuns and sneak up on her..."
"Private Jones, if you please! Private Frazer, keep your mouth
shut." Cried the Brig.
"Ach, I only tell ye that your plan is doomed"
"That's right Mr. Frazer. I heard you," babbled Private Pike, "He
was only trying to help sir!"
Captain Mainwaring strode up purposely, sure that only he could
save the day. This Brigadier might outrank him, but obviously it was time
to assert his far superior tactical skills. Mainwaring cleared his throat.
"Excuse me... Sir. But if I could speak."
"Yes, Captain Mainwaring, I've had quite enough of this." Said the
Brigadier who then sat down dejectedly.
"Listen up men!" cried Mainwaring, snapping his swizzle stick into
his hand with dramatic emphasis and then tapping the board. "These people
will help us get home if we guard this lad. Now, we aren't fighting the
Germans now. This is a piece of cake! We only have to contend with one
psycho girl, that's it!"
"And a beautiful looking girl she is! The Fifth Doctor over there
was only just showing me a picture of her..." began Wilson, babbling to
anyone who might be near him.
"Wilson! Will you be quiet! Now, men, we must march at once to
this TARDIS and fetch Adric at once. We will then bring him back to our
truck and lock him in it. Nyssa won't get anywhere near him, I can assure
The platoon murmured their assent. Their captain, their man of
action, had spoken. And his plan seemed as daft as the Brigadier's but they
just wanted this silly lecture to end so they could go to the bar for a
Nyssa burst through the window and fell to the floor rolling. She
was on her feet in a split second, her agility far more than any cat. She
eyed around her. She was in the UNIT HQ and the Brigadier's men were still
deep in their drug-induced slumber. Nyssa had one of her biochemical
potions with her capable of recovering the men in a split-second to full
healthy battle-ready condition. She went about administering it to them,
waking them up.
"Oh Captain Yates! It was horrible, horrible!" cried Nyssa with a
sniffle, her tender eyes filled with tears. Her years with Doctor Who had
not only turned her into a complete psycho, but an actress of Oscar-winning
"Now, please, Miss Nyssa, run through that again." Said Yates as
he ordered Benton to gather up their men and pass out weapons and gear.
"These hideous creatures came down and got control of the
Brigadier. They made themselves look like a bunch of old men from the past,
but they're not! They've taken over the Brig's mind and I think Adric is
behind their hideous machinations!"
"Adric?!?" burst out Captain Yates with a laugh. It was a
mistake. That was too far, they'd never believe it. Nyssa backtracked as
fast as she could and kept up her "little girl lost" act complete with a
number of tears.
"Well, ummmm, I mean, he's not behind it, I mean that he's the
reason the creatures are here. Perhaps after his Bloc Transfer Calculations
or his Magic card collection or something like that..." stammered Nyssa.
"So, Nyssa, how come you're dressed up as some sort of Jungle
Warrior then?" asked Benton, beginning to get a tad skeptical of the psycho
he saw before him.
"Oh, all my clothes are dirty. And you know how I hate being
dirty and unkempt."
"And you smashed through the window?" Nyssa sighed tiredly.
This wasn't working. Why not just kill 'em all now. 'No, wait, one more
attempt' she thought.
"Well, it could have been booby-trapped. Obviously the aliens drugged you
and I rescued you. And it just seemed the right thing to do in this
"I'll buy it!" cried out Benton, never the greatest of intellects.
"Me too" said Yates. Neither of them realizing how close they came to total
It was like chasing a scared rabbit. Adric ran hither and tither
and yon as the Home Guard of Walmington-On-Sea shuffled after him.
"C'mon men! He's over there!" puffed Captain Mainwaring, close to
"Godfrey! Run between those two trees!"
"I'm afraid I can't, Captain Mainwaring. I'm afraid my rheumatics
are acting up again."
"Then walk quickly!"
Adric was running toward the TARDIS. "Almost there!" he cried
out to himself.
Suddenly, just as he got to the door and was fumbling for his
TARDIS key, Jones and Fraser walked around from behind it, bayonets fixed.
Mainwaring had posted the two of them there while the rest of them drove him
like hunting dogs.
"Aroo, you Sassenach Rabbit, you're captured!" cried out Fraser.
"You just hold it right there, crazy little lad, I've got a
bayonet and I'm not afraid to stick it right up!" said Jones, his ancient
eyes blazing with blood-and-glory emotions.
Captain Mainwaring and the rest of the platoon puffed forward.
"We've caught him, Captain!" cried out Jones, pushing Adric ahead
"I knew your plan would work the whole time!" beamed Fraser,
"Yessir, ne'er a doubt in me mind" Captain Mainwairing glared at him, only
five minutes before he had been screaming "We're Doomed! Doomed! Doomed,
do ye hear me, Captain Mainwaring?"
Nyssa led Yates, Benton, and the UNIT force to the bridge. The
path from the TARDIS to the This Time Around crossed a small river and there
was a stone bridge over it, built by beings unknown at the dawn of time.
One of the beings had a white Panama hat, dark coat and an umbrella in the
shape of a question mark, but no one noticed at the time.
"Look, can you see them at the other end of the clearing?" said
Nyssa, still in Sweet-Mode.
"I can, Nyssa. Now, you just run along and hide in the bushes
while we sort this lot out." Said Benton.
Nyssa glared at him. Her best friend Tegan would have ripped out
his tongue and fed it to him for such a condescending statement. Nyssa
toyed with the idea of taking Benton's tongue back to Tegan as a present,
but no, there was still Adric to deal with.
Captain Mainwaring had his pistol drawn, Adric standing ahead of
him and his men behind. They marched down the path. Actually, they
shuffled more than marched, but they were brave and fearless. Well,
Godfrey wasn't being brave and fearless at the moment, but no one was
looking around the back of the TARDIS.
"C'mon men. Hup! Hup!"
The Home Guard troop got to the bridge when suddenly, Yates,
Benton and more than two dozen UNIT soldiers rose out of the bushes from the
"Halt!" cried out Captain Mainwaring.
"You over there! We know who you are. You will surrender at
once!" cried out Captain Yates. Mainwaring gestured to his men and they
formed a gaggle line in front of him, on one bent knee, their rifles leveled
"Are they Germans, Captain Mainwaring?" whispered Jones.
"Can't be. They're wearing British rank insignia!" hissed Wilson.
"What the devil is going on? Can't they see we're British?"
"Maybe they think we're Nazi Paratroopers made up to look like
British soldiers?" said Pike.
"That's a very good idea, Pike. I'll soon sort this out."
Mainwaring holstered his pistol and strode forward on the bridge. He put
his gloved hands around his mouth to shout.
"I am Captain Mainwaring of the Walmington-On-Sea Home Guard!"
A warning shot rang out and richoched near Mainwaring's feet. He
"Maybe they are the Nazi Paratroopers made up to look like British
soldiers, Captain Mainwaring." Said Frazer, pointing a bony finger in UNIT's
"Beastly, Beastly!" puffed Mainwaring. "All right. Pike,
Godfrey, take Adric toward the TARDIS, there's going to be some gunplay."
Mainwaring spun around on the ground and cried out.
"Your situation is hopeless! Throw down your weapons and
surrender!" he cried.
Benton stood with his mouth open. "I just don't believe it." He
Nyssa had tried to explain that they weren't British soldiers,
they were aliens. But who else would walk bravely (or was that foolishly)
forward into the face of full automatic weapons fire and then demand
that -they- surrender.
"I'm not buying this anymore." Said Yates as he turned to Nyssa,
but she was gone.
"Yates, Benton, what is going on, where have you been?" cried the
Brigadier, running up the path from behind them. Nyssa scooted back
stealthily into the bushes. She needed to act fast, the situation was
quickly unraveling. She suddenly realized that the Brig wasn't trying to
kill Adric. She went back toward the TARDIS.
Yates quickly filled the Brigadier in on the situation.
"They want us to surrender!" Yates said.
A shot rang out, hitting a branch and severing it. The branch
fell on the Brigadier and Benton. The Brigadier smiled amusedly. "Then do
Captain Mainwaring saw the UNIT soldiers advance out of the brush
and throw their weapons down in front of them.
"C'mon men! Charge!" he cried as the Home Guard patrol ran
forward as fast as they could, screaming and with bayonets fixed.
"Handes Hock!" cried out Jones, still convinced that the UNIT
troops were Nazi Paratroopers.
Mainwaring was infused with pride until he saw the Brigadier.
"Captain Mainwaring, I really must congratulate you." Said the
"Dammit, man, do you mean to say that we've been trading gunfire
with your own soldiers? The ones that you said were incapacitated? We've
been firing on British troops?!? I'll never hear the end of it.. I mean,
we'll never hear the end of it!"
"Nonsense!" cried the Brigadier good-naturedly. "Your troops
acted brilliantly and you are a brilliant tactician!" The Brigadier slapped
Captain Mainwaring on the back, and the pudgy little captain nearly fell
"Now, lets just take Adric in hand and get over to the pub! I
think you all deserve a pint."
"Yes sir! Adric! Get him up here Jones."
"But sir, you ordered Pikey and Mr. Godfrey to take him behind the
TARDIS and hide there."
"Good Lord! So I did!" said Mainwaring.
"What?!? But psycho Nyssa is on the loose! She snuck away from
my men!" cried out the Brigadier.
The sun was setting behind the distant mountains. Nyssa stole
forward toward the TARDIS. She saw the vile little worm being fed tea and
cookies from Pike and Godfrey. She almost felt bad about her plan to blow
them all up because the old man seemed so good-natured and nice. The boy,
on the other hand, was almost as sloppy and stupid as Adric himself and it
would be a pleasure to burn his scarf in front of his face and then blow him
up with a bomb stuffed down an embarrassing place.
"All right, the game's up!" screamed Nyssa, her PAK44 Fully
Automatic Machine Pistol drawn.
"Oh, No!" whined Adric, collapsing on the ground.
"Yes, that's right Worm. Prepare to die. I've got a wonderful
set of rubber hoses, flaming oil and an extra long pipe cleaner with your
name on them!" cried out Nyssa with an evil laugh.
"Hang on. We're supposed to be protecting him." Said Pike.
"Shut up. Stupid boy! You're next!"
"Don't you call me a stupid boy! Did you hear that, Mr. Godfrey,
she called me a stupid boy!"
"I did indeed Pike. Nyssa, I was wondering, if I could have a
little break before you brutally murder us. It will only take a minute."
"Oh go ahead!" cried the psycho, "But don't be too long watering
the bushes. Get back here right away so I can kill you."
"And I better put on my scarf. My mum will be right cross if I
get killed without my scarf on."
"Yes, yes..." growled Nyssa, tapping her foot. The sun was
almost down now.
Pike got himself tangled in his scarf and finally Godfrey came
back, much relieved.
"Right! Now..." began Nyssa.
"Hold it!" cried out Captain Mainwaring from behind her. Nyssa
backed away carefully so she could keep both groups in sight, the UNIT/Home
Guard force and Adric who was still lying on the ground, totally defeated.
"Stop, Captain. One more step and they all die." Captain
Mainwaring gestured for his troops to stop with outstretched arms. Nyssa
continued, her gun leveled at Pike and Godfrey, in a psycho trancelike
"That's good Captain. Now, You just get Pike and Godfrey away
from here and leave. Leave, do you hear. Or you too will die. I'll take
Adric with me. Its better off this way, I assure you."
Sergeant Wilson finally caught up with the unit by now. Where he
had been and what he had been doing, no one could ever figure out
afterwards, and Wilson seemed to have forgotten.
"Hello Captain, I've just been... Hello!" he said, turning and
eyeing Nyssa. He licked his lips.
"I say, you're Nyssa, aren't you?"
"That's right. Stop right where you are.
"Oh, you're very pretty. I like the way you're holding that gun.
You look very beautiful. Especially the way the last light of day is
falling upon your curly hair.
"Last light of day!" cried out the Brigadier! "I've won! Adric is
still alive!" The Brigadier ran forward. "You've lost Nyssa!" Twilight
was fast turning into darkness and Nyssa had disappeared. A cheer rang
forward from the UNIT soldiers and the Home Guard platoon joined in it.
They gathered up Adric, who was in a dead faint, and carried him back to the
This Time Around.
"Just take them up this road, Captain. If you see a shimmering
wall, just drive through. You'll go straight home." Said the Brigadier.
Mainwaring was driving as none of his men were in the condition to drive
after the party. Mainwaring was a tea-totaler and didn't drink. Pike
wasn't supposed to, which is probably why he woofed up his Trakenite Slammer
all over Mainwaring's shoes, to which he said in a slow burn "You Stupid
"Thank you Brigadier. It will be good to get home again. I wish
you could have told us who wins the war and all."
"Isn't it obvious?" said the Brig, tapping his rank insignia.
"And anyway, the Seventh Doctor is the one who plays with time, not me.
"By the way..." continued the Brigadier, holding up a fistful of cash.
The Brigadier patted the ancient van before it started and drove
away. He saluted a long salute toward them and waved. Nyssa seemed to
come out of nowhere and stood beside him.
"No hard feelings, Nyssa?"
"None at all, Brigadier."
Suddenly, a hideous scream broke the evening's calm. Followed by
a "swoosh" and another even more hideous sets of screams.
"He forgot about that pit. Just as I knew he would." Giggled
"So, didn't use your gun after all?"
"I don't have it."
"Lost it then?"
"No. Sergeant Wilson has it. When you were all celebrating and
waving Adric around, he disarmed me in the woods!" said Nyssa, grinning
hugely and turning red.
The Brigadier was flabbergasted. Nyssa just giggled again and
trotted off toward the pit where Adric's last form lie.
"Wonderful chaps... all of them." Murmured the Brigadier, picking
up the PAK44 from the road where an absent minded Wilson must have dropped
it. It was broken and the clip was missing.
"Wonderful chaps..." he murmured again.
Credits where Credits are Due:
Story Copyright 1999 by Tony Velasquez. (firstname.lastname@example.org) Please ask
before using or abusing.
Dad's Army and Characters are creations of David Croft and Jimmy Perry, and
are owned by the BBC.
Doctor Who is copyright by the BBC.
Any and all similarities to television shows past and present is absolutely