|
"Mail call!" There was, Diane reflected, something almost magical about those words. They were words of power, words to conjure with. Specif- ically, they were words to conjure her fellow-prisoners with. Nyssa arrived within three seconds of her shout, which was pretty impressive considering that she'd been in the workshop halfway down the Satellite. She had on a lab coat and gloves that served to make her look somewhat sinister, in an adorable sort of way. Doug came dashing in at five seconds. As he had been in the Artificial Reality machine playing 'Mario 64', that was quite a feat since he shouldn't have been able to hear. All part of the magic of mail call, Diane supposed. Last to show up, at seven seconds, was Number One, female, soaking wet, and wearing nothing but a towel. It was a shame that the cameras weren't rolling at that point, because Adric had quite a ratings-booster here. Diane mentally noted that Number One being a girl at this time meant that she'd been taking a _cold_ shower, and allowed herself a chuckle. "Well? What have we got?" Nyssa asked eagerly. Diane hefted the stack of mail off the mini-transmat platform and began scanning through it. "Okay," she said, "we've got: an issue of 'American Rifleman' magazine..." "Mine," Number One said, taking the magazine from Diane. "...a letter from Megan and Siobhan..." "That's mine," said Doug. He took the bulky envelope and turn- ed quickly away before anyone could notice his eyes misting up. "...an issue of 'Cosmo'. That's mine... a letter from Publisher's Clearinghouse addressed to 'Occupant'..." Diane held out the en- velope. When no one took it, she threw it over her shoulder. "...a bill from Uncle Mary's Pizza, Taco, and Video Rental. That's for all of us. An 'Acme Industries' catalog..." "I'll take that," Nyssa said. "...a 'Wall Street Journal'..." Doug took this and tucked it smartly under his arm. "...a campaign flyer for someone named Julson who is running for the North Dakota Legislature..." When no one spoke up, this also went into the over-shoulder file. "...the Otakulumbia House Anime Club's Video of the Month. Looks like 'Space Pirate Captain Harlock'..." "Mine!" shouted Doug, Number One, and Nyssa simultaneously, greed practically glowing out of their eyes. "_Ours_, then. And, lastly, an issue of 'Deranged Alien Scientist' magazine." "Minemineminemine," Nyssa blurted, snatching the thing up so fast that she nearly got a couple of Diane's fingers with it. The others had just enough time to get a glimpse of the cover pict- ure -- a sinisterly-lit photo of a woman with spiky red hair -- be- fore Nyssa jammed it into her lab coat and dashed away, chuck- ling in a vaguely unsettling way. The three Americans looked at each other for a moment, then all three said in an eerie chorus: "This does _not_ bode well." ---- "This is _great_!" Nyssa exclaimed as she sat down in the work- shop (her Lab, she insisted) to read. She scanned through the magazine's contents page. "Oooh... This sounds good. 'It's All in the Samples: an Interview with Washuu Hakubi'. 'Ten Warning Signs that Your Experiment Might Run Amok'. 'Obsession: the Misunderstood Emotion'. Hmmm... Let's have a look at the Project of the Month..." Nyssa opened out the centerfold, revealing an incredibly complex sche- matic diagram. She gave a delighted squeal. "A Sub-Tachyonic Biphased Negaflectalyzer! I've always wanted to make one of those! And, if I rob some parts off the microwave oven, I'll have everything I need. This is going to be great!" ---- Sometime later, Diane happened to walk past the workshop door. From within, a manic hum of power tools could be heard, as well as a disturbing amount of laughter. She shuddered and walked away fast. ---- "Bravo, Nyssa!" Nyssa shouted. "This is, without a doubt, the finest Negaflectalyzer I have ever built!" This was perfectly true, what with this being the only Negaflectalyzer she had ever built. Which is not to say that the Negaflectalyzer wasn't impressive. It most certainly was that. The device took up most of the open space in the shop (Lab), and looked somewhat like a hyper- advanced shower. There was an open platform area about four feet square, with several ominous-looking arms pointing at it from above. Connected to the device by thick cables were a large keypad and a steel bowl that had nasty protuberances all over it. The whole thing was painted black, appearance being a large part of Deranged Science. "Now all I need is a vict-- er, test subject." As if on cue, Number One chose that moment to enter the room. "Hey, Nyssa. We're fixing to watch 'Captain Harlock', if you want to... What the Hell is _that_?" "It's my new Sub-Tachyonic Biphased Negaflectalyzer!" Nyssa exclaimed happily. "Do you like it?" "Uh, yeah. It's... cool, I guess." "Say, you wouldn't mind helping me with it, would you?" Nyssa asked slyly. Number One gulped and gave the machine an uneasy look. There were far too many pointy-looking things on it for his liking. "Well, actually, you see, uh..." Nyssa narrowed her eyes a little at this show of reluctance. Oh, well. Any obstacle could be overcome via proper technique. She stuck out her lip in a cute pout and fluttered her eyelashes. "Oh, please, please help me," she said in that husky, breathy tone of voice that no man can refuse. "I can't do this without the help of a big, strong man." Number One's brain melted. "Umm... okay. I'll help--" Nyssa had the steel bowl firmly on his head before the 'okay' was completely out of his mouth. "Great. Thanks. Now, just stand still for a moment..." She put on a pair of dark safety glasses and took up the keypad. "Will this hurt?" Number One asked. "I won't feel a thing," Nyssa replied, then pressed a button marked 'Re-heat' (it was one of the parts from the microwave oven). There was a scream and a flash of light... ---- BKWillis presents... TO DIE FOR: MYSTERY PSYCHO THEATER 3000 [cue Theme Song] o/~ In the not-too-distant future Not too far from This Time Round There was a girl named Nyssa whose Sanity was not-quite-sound. She and some others used to fuss and fight And destroy the pub almost every night. So the staff and patrons of that place Used Borusa's Time-Scoop to stick them up in spaaaaace... (Nyssa, shouting:) "You'll regret this!!" (Adric, singing:) "We'll send them crappy fiction The worst we can find. (la-la-laaa) They'll have to sit and read them all To drive the violence from their minds." (la-la-laaa) Now keep in mind only Adric controls When the session begins or is through As he tries to force some sense into This completely unhinged crew. PSYCHO ROLL CALL! NYSSA! ("Accept no substitutes.") DOUG! ("Don't make me come over there.") NUMBER ONE! ("Who are you callin' a chick?!") DIAAAAANE! ("Generic catch-phrase!") If you're wondering how they eat and breathe And other science facts, Just repeat to yourself, "It's just a 'fic. I should really just relax." 'Cause it's Mystery Psycho Theater 3000! (bwang) o/~ ---- [Interior bridge of the Satellite of Love] [The bridge has been redecorated. A television set and VCR sit on the console, with several stereo speakers connected them. On the back wall, a large black flag with a skull-and-crossbones has been tacked up, along with posters of various spaceships. A tray with a bottle and four delicate wineglasses sits off to one side, and a large couch is in the middle of the room, facing the TV set. DOUG (a tall, ponytailed man wearing a long cloak and a black jumpsuit with a white skull-and-crossbones on the front) and DIANE (a pretty blonde wearing a long, shapeless blue dress) are hooking up the last of the speakers.] DOUG: [looks up] Oh, hi everybody! Welcome to the Satellite of Love. We're just getting geared up to watch the greatest sci- fi anime of all time, 'Space Pirate Captain Harlock'. DIANE: Since we are all rabid otaku -- that is to say, drooling, no-life anime fanboys and fangirls -- we thought we'd really get into the spirit of things by doing a little dress-up. Doug is dressed as that most dashing of swashbucklers, Captain Harlock, himself, but without the eyepatch. DOUG: I tried it, but I kept running into things. DIANE: While I am Harlock's faithful companion, musician, and alcoholic alien-babe, Meeme. DOUG: And, of course, we've got Harlock's trademark flag, as well as pictures of the spaceships 'Arcadia', 'Deathshadow', and 'Queen Emeraldas'. DIANE: As I said, we have no life. [NUMBER ONE (a short, dark man wearing jeans, a sleeveless 'Smith and Wesson' t-shirt, and sunglasses) enters from the right, looking panicked] DOUG: (to NUMBER ONE) Hey! I thought you were going to dress for the occasion. NUMBER ONE: (to DOUG) Never mind that. We've got big trouble. DIANE: What kind of-- [looks off-stage to the right] Ah, I see what kind. [NYSSA (a beautiful, petite teenaged girl with curly brown hair and wearing a white lab coat) enters from the right, along with a second NUMBER ONE, who is identical to the first.] DOUG: [looks at the two NUMBER ONEs] (to NYSSA) What the Hell is going on here? NYSSA: [laughs] Aren't I a genius? My Sub-Tachyonic Biphased Negaflectalyzer works perfectly! DIANE: (to NYSSA) I'll take your word for it. What have you done now? NYSSA: I told you. I built a Negaflectalyzer, and used it to make a doppelganger of Number One. DOUG: (horrified) So, now we've got the original nutcase _and_ a carbon-copy to deal with? NYSSA: Not exactly. Therein lies the real genius of the Nega- flectalyzer. The copy is a perfect mirror image of the original, identical, but opposite. DIANE: (bored) Oh, so it's going to be one of those evil-twin plots, where we end up having to test them to see which one's the real one, is that it? [The COPY NUMBER ONE suddenly rushes across the room and embraces DOUG.] COPY NUMBER ONE: Oh, Doug! My heart is filled with bro- therly affection at the sight of you! My dearest comrade! I know we've had our differences, but I want us to face the future together in a spirit of peaceful cooperation! DIANE: Or maybe not. What's with that guy? Shouldn't he be the 'evil clone', or something? DOUG: (to COPY NUMBER ONE) Let go of me! COPY NUMBER ONE: (to DOUG) I love you, man! NYSSA: (to DIANE) Don't you understand? The Negaflectaly- zer doesn't create an _evil_ clone, necessarily, just an opposite one. DIANE: I see! And, since the original was the evil one in this case-- NUMBER ONE: (indignantly) Hey! DIANE: --we get a 'good twin'. Amazing! NYSSA: That's what deranged science is all about. [COPY NUMBER ONE is still hugging DOUG, who is trying to get away, while NUMBER ONE looks on in disgust.] DIANE: At least they'll be easy to tell apart. [COPY NUMBER ONE partially releases DOUG and looks at the OTHERS] COPY NUMBER ONE: Come on, everyone! Let's all join hands and sing! (singing) I love you/You love me... [NUMBER ONE runs off to the left. The sounds of vomitting come from that direction a moment later.] DIANE: (to COPY NUMBER ONE) Uh, maybe later, Nega-One. COPY NUMBER ONE: (to DIANE) Oh, you've given me a name! Thank you, Diane! It's women like you that make me proud to be a feminist! [More puking sounds from off-screen] DIANE: Uh, yeah. [A light on the console begins to flash] NYSSA: Well, it looks like Team Rocket is calling. [presses light] ---- [Interior back room at This Time Round] [The room is filled with a mixture of electronic command-and- control epuipment, computers, and pub supplies. Behind the control console stand ADRIC (a black-haired teenager in an ugly yellow-and-green outfit) and TEGAN (a pretty, short-haired woman in a black minidress). BOTH are smiling pleasantly.] ADRIC: Well, hello there, Freddy, Shaggy, Daphne, and Velma! ---- [SOL] [NYSSA and DIANE look at each other] NYSSA and DIANE: (to each other) _You're_ Velma. DOUG: (to screen) Hi, Adric. NEGA-ONE: (to screen) Hello, Adric my friend! It's so nice to see you. I'd just like to take this opportunity to tell you how much I appreciate your providing me with this nice home and such a wonderful set of friends! ---- [TTR] ADRIC: [arches eyebrow] So, the shemale was the first one to crack, eh? I thought his mind was stronger than that. ---- [SOL] [NUMBER ONE enters from the left, looking angry] NUMBER ONE: That ain't me, weasel-boy. And don't call me 'shemale'! NEGA-ONE: (to NUMBER ONE) Now now. Hostility won't solve anything. NUMBER ONE: (to NEGA-ONE) Get bent, wuss. ---- [TTR] ADRIC: Well, they make a cute couple, anyway. Speaking of which, Harry is unable to be with us today. He is in the hospital, recovering from his date with Mrs. Forrester. The doctors have assured me that with proper bed rest, vitamin infusions, and psy- chiatric counselling, he should be back with us in no time. In the meantime, Miss Tegan Jovanka will be filling in for him. TEGAN: [waves] G'day, everyone! ---- [SOL] [NYSSA is leaning toward the screen, an excited look on her face.] NYSSA: Hah! You just made your fatal error, Swamprat! Tegan! The Time-Scoop controls must be down there somewhere! Find them and bring us down from here! ---- [TTR] [ADRIC is quietly chuckling, while TEGAN shakes her head apologetically.] TEGAN: Sorry, Nys. No can do. ---- [SOL] NYSSA: What do you mean, 'No can do'? ---- [TTR] TEGAN: I mean, this is my big chance at stardom. Adric here is giving me a shot at achieving my dream by letting me appear on his show. I can't let that get by me. And, besides, this thera- py bit is to help you get better, after all. ---- [SOL] NYSSA: What!? I thought you were my best friend! ---- [TTR] TEGAN: I am. What I'm doing is for your own good, as well as mine. ---- [SOL] NYSSA: (angrily) You've sold me out! You've bloody well gone and sold me out for a bit part on a cable-TV show! You bitch! NEGA-ONE: (to NYSSA) Now, Nyssa, let's be nice... ---- [TTR] [ADRIC is laughing harder than ever.] TEGAN: (firmly) You'll thank me for this later, Nys. ---- [SOL] NYSSA: Like Hell I will! You backstabber! And to think I had a crush on you once! ---- [TTR] TEGAN: [blushes] ADRIC: Yes! Ratings jackpot! Eat your heart out, 'Ally McBeal'! I keep saying this show needs more lesbia-- OWWW! [TEGAN kicks ADRIC in the shin, hard] ADRIC: Aheh heh. So, anyway, let's see what's in the mail. [FRANCOIS the Ogron (a massive, brutish-looking humanoid) enters from the left, carrying some envelopes.] FRANCOIS: (to OTHERS) Hello, boss-boy. Hello, mouthy girl. Friendly postman Francois delivering mail. (flatly) Whee. [hands envelopes to ADRIC] ADRIC: (to FRANCOIS) Thanks. Say, where's your postman's uniform? FRANCOIS: Pants too tight. Friendly postman Francois wear them, be disgruntled, soprano postman Francois. [looks at screen] Little mirror-eyes man now two? Figures. First turn into girl, now split in two. Francois not know, but imagine that it suck to be little mirror-eyes man. [shrugs and exits to the left] ADRIC: Uh, yes. Anyway, let's see what's in the mail. [opens envelope and scans letter] Here we go. This person writes: [reading] "Wonderful show! I laughed and laughed. Something I was wondering, though: Is there any chance of getting that guy/girl to appear on _my_ show? I think he/she'd be perfect. P.S. You should try to have more fights." That's from... Mr. Jerry S. [ADRIC throws the letter over his shoulder and opens another.] ADRIC: We also have this letter from a faithful viewer who writes: [reading] "I love the show. Always a good laugh. But, I'd like to ask Number One why he doesn't just carry a thermos full of hot water with him into the Theater, so he can change back to male when someone splashes him during an argument?" That's from a Mr. William December S... ---- [SOL] [NYSSA is in the background, clearly boiling mad. NUMBER ONE is looking at the screen.] NUMBER ONE: Well, that's simple. The reason is... ah... that is to say... it's... ummmm... [pause] Hell, I don't know why I never thought of that. That's pretty good! Thanks! DOUG: 'December'. That's a cool name. [laughs] Get it? 'Cool'? 'December'? December is in the winter... OTHERS: [look at DOUG] DOUG: (to OTHERS, defensively) Well, I thought it was funny. ---- [TTR] [ADRIC has the last envelope open and is reading its contents.] ADRIC: This last one says, in part: [reading] "I saw your last show, and have to agree with your statement that lesbianism would be a big boost to the ratings. I know _I_ would watch it more often. P.S. Nyssa is one righteous babe! Is she taken?" That's from a Ms. Martina N. ---- [SOL] NEGA-ONE: (to NYSSA) How nice! You have a fan! NYSSA: [rolls eyes] ---- [TTR] ADRIC: But, enough idle frippery. Your session for today is an unfinished Second Doctor fanfic called 'Gates of Dawn', by a Mr. Ken Young. Put up whatever fight you can. (to TEGAN) Send them the fanfic, Tegan! TEGAN: Sure thing, Adric. [TEGAN presses a large and conspicuous button on the console.] ---- [SOL] [Various alarms, lights, and sirens go off as general chaos ensues. Oddly, NEGA-ONE remains calm.] DIANE: (to NEGA-ONE) Come on! We've got fanfic-sign! If you don't get into the Theater, Adric will start playing Barry Man- ilow on our stereo! NEGA-ONE: (brightly) That's okay! Barry Manilow is my fav- orite singer! OTHERS: [look ill and run off] ---- [Door sequence: 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] ---- [SOL, Theater interior] [The four enter the theater from a door on the right, all carrying popcorn and drinks. NYSSA takes the aisle seat, with NUMBER ONE (F) on her left, DOUG on the other side of him, and DIANE to DOUG's left.] NUMBER ONE: Ugh. What a sissy. (to NYSSA) Why'd you have to make a wimped-out copy of me, anyway? NYSSA: (to NUMBER ONE) If I had a reason, I wouldn't be a deranged scientist. DIANE: (to NYSSA) And you _are_ that. DOUG: Fanfic inbound! This is not a drill! [A screen in front of the four lights up and words begin to appear on it.] >GATES OF DAWN > >by Ken Young DOUG: (singing) He was too young/To fall in love... > >Prologue: > >Darkness the sound of some one falling over a pile of junk. NYSSA: Fanfic the intro as a sentence fragment. >A voice like running water " Lord why are we here? Its a >dump." NUMBER ONE: I've heard many Israelis say those exact words. >" I need to meet someone and don't call me Lord you know I >find it irritating." DIANE: No 'Lord', huh? Well, how about 'Pooty-pie', then? >" Sorry Master." DOUG: (Larry Hagman) It's all right, Jeannie. Just get Major Healey out of the Cuisinart and send all those penguins back where you found them, and we'll just forget the whole thing. ALL: [cross their arms and nod while making a BOING! sound] >" Not that either, it's worse. Anyway I freed you a long time >ago. Why won't you call me by name Varne?" NUMBER ONE: (singing) You don't have to call me 'Darlin'/ Darlin/But, you neve-e-er even call me by my na-a-ame! DOUG: (to NUMBER ONE) Has anyone ever told you that you what a marvellous singing voice you have? NUMBER ONE: [puffs up slightly] (to DOUG) Why, no, they haven't. DOUG: [nods] Well, there's a reason for that... NUMBER ONE: [sulks] >" Well if you want the truth ALL: (shouting) YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!! >I can't pronounce it DIANE: Mmm. Name must be Polish. DOUG: (indignantly, to DIANE) Hey! Watch that! [whaps DIANE on the head] >and anyway you can't free me. Let me remind you Lord my >'Dearly Beloved' grandfather placed me in your service and >until both of us change our minds you are stuck with me Lord. NUMBER ONE: (Varne) I am but the chewed-up gum to the magnificent shoe sole that is you, my Lord! >Besides I like being in service to you it's so much more >interesting than hanging about NYSSA: ...on a meathook. Well, a _little_ bit, anyway. >at home. Now who are we here to meet Lord?" NUMBER ONE: (God) This guy named Moses. I'm going to play a little prank on him involving this here bush. Got any matches on you? DIANE: (to NUMBER ONE) So, basically, Number One, your philosophy is, 'I want to get into Hell without having to wait around in line'. Is that it? >"You will find out, now silence. I don't want to attract attention. NYSSA: (Varne) Then, you really should take off the tutu and the Carmen Miranda hat. >And don't call me Lord!" NUMBER ONE: (God) I told you, it's 'Big Daddy Yahweh' now! DIANE: [points at NUMBER ONE while looking at ceiling] I have _nothing_ to do with that guy, Lord. Really. >"Well Sir if you stop shouting I will keep silent Sir. DOUG: (surgeon, urgently) Nurse! Get me 10 cc's of punctua- tion and some dialogue tags, stat! NYSSA: (to DOUG) I thought I was supposed to do all the grammar riffs? >"I mean it. If you don't shut up I will put a binding on you. NUMBER ONE: ...just like the one Ukyou wears to keep her boobs from standing out while she's dressed as a guy. DIANE and NYSSA: [wince and cross their arms over their chests] >This is too important to risk accidents." >"Yes Sir I hear and obey Master." DOUG: You know, most of the bosses I've had would've _loved_ an employee like ol' Varne. NUMBER ONE: (to DOUG) How do you pronounce 'Varne', anyway? Does it rhyme with 'barn' or 'Barney'? DOUG: Doesn't matter. We're in text format. DIANE: [elbows DOUG] Don't say that kind of stuff. It breaks the reader's mood. NYSSA: [shakes head] Fourth wall, we hardly knew ye... >Silence. time passes then a sound like sawing wood. ALL: [make snoring noises] >A box just visible in the darkness takes form.. Two indistinct >figures emerge. One starts to speak and then both are enveloped >by a sphere of light. They freeze. NUMBER ONE: (indistinct figure) It's the cops! The jig is up! > Strangely the light only illuminates the figures everything else >remains in shadow. >"Keep watch if any of my kin start to interfere let me know >otherwise keep out of sight." NYSSA: You know, I've got some extra conjunctions and punc- tuation marks that I'd be happy to donate to this fanfic... >"Yes Sir." >The light dims slightly the figures start to move. >"Grandfather where are we?" >"On Earth Susan I hope you like it here." DIANE: (Doctor, maniacally) ...because it's where you'll be spending the REST OF ETERNITY!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! >"Silence!" NYSSA: Whoa, Susan. No need to get aggressive! DOUG: Actually, I think that was one of the other characters saying that. Probably the unnamed guy who doesn't like being called 'Lord'. NYSSA: Well, how am I supposed to know that? I'm not psy- chic... [pause] Okay, I _am_ psychic, but that still doesn't help. >"You! Who are you?" NUMBER ONE: (Susan) No, Grandfather, Who is you. That's someone else. NYSSA: [whaps NUMBER ONE on the head] NUMBER ONE: Oww! NYSSA: (to NUMBER ONE) I got whapped for making that pun once before, so you get the same. >"Someone you will meet again Doctor. In your future and my >past. Now keep quiet and listen." >"Why should I and why young man are you here?" DOUG: (mystery man) Because I've come to tell you a story... About a man named 'Jed'. He was a poor mountaineer who bare- ly kept his family fed. Then, one day when he was shooting at some food... >"Because this is where you told me you first met me and that is >the only answer you are getting now." DIANE: (mystery man) So, you can either love it or shove it. >The light round Susan intensifies and she seems frozen, NUMBER ONE: ...while the heavy, rectangular Susan weak- ens... DOUG: Susan's not weak, just lazy. OTHERS: [throw popcorn at DOUG] >"What are you doing to Susan?" DIANE: (mystery man) Checking for pubic lice. Don't worry, it's standard procedure... >"Nothing she is in temporal stasis. I can't do anything >permanent to either of you. Now listen this is the first time you >met me but not the first for me. NUMBER ONE: (mystery man) I... have a confession to make. You weren't really my first time... >I have taken care of your immediate problems, on the desk you >will find the deeds for this yard and enrolment papers for Susan NYSSA: Rolling papers for Susan? Figures. DOUG: (to NYSSA) 'Enrolment', er-- I mean, 'enrollment' pap- ers, not 'rolling' papers. You know, like for school. NYSSA: (to DOUG) Rolling papers in school? She must be in America. DOUG: No, that's-- [sighs] Never mind. >in the local school. You will remember that you arranged this DIANE: Who was that masked man who set all this up? NUMBER ONE: Why, shucks! That was the Lone Arranger! [DIANE and NUMBER ONE laugh, while DOUG just covers his face and shakes his head.] DOUG: (to NYSSA) Nyssa, would you please swap seats with me? I don't want to sit between these two any more. NYSSA: (to DOUG) Not on your life, Kemo Sabe. >Also on the desk you will find two rings one for you and one for >Susan you will place the rings on whichever finger fits and then >forget them. NUMBER ONE: (mystery man) At that point, you will be hus- band and wife. DOUG: (Doctor) We can't do that! She's my granddaughter! NUMBER ONE: (mystery man) Not to worry. I have also arr- anged for the two of you to immediately move to West Virginia. >When someone notices a ring you will remember and tell them >where you got it. DIANE: Wal-mart, aisle nine, on the shelf between the Pokemon cards and the arc welders. >Something else you will remember is that I am at my strongest >and you are at your weakest. NYSSA: (mystery man) Remember, also, that I say 'Neener neener neener, Wussy-man!' >I will not be able to do this to you again . I will see you at The >Gates Of Dawn." DOUG: (mystery man) We'll wait there until Dawn gets her dogs put up, and then we'll proceed into the Front Yard of Dawn. >The glow intensifies and the Doctor freezes caught in temporal >stasis. "Come Varne DIANE: (Varne) If you insist, Lord. [begins moaning erotically] NUMBER ONE: [looks at DIANE, gulps, and begins fanning himself] DOUG: [turns bright red and looks away] (muttering) Think about baseball... baseball... NYSSA: [rolls eyes] (to DIANE, sarcastically) You really should see a doctor, Diane. That asthma sounds awful! >I have done what I can to preserve my past we can leave now." >"About time DOUG: [laughs] That's good! 'About time', get it? [looks at OTHERS] See, it's a story about time travel... And he preserved his past... OTHERS: [stare at DOUG] DOUG: (defensively) Well, _I_ think it's funny! >Sir I am ready." >Silence the glow dissipates the Doctor moves to the table >pocketing one set of papers he glances at the rest. NYSSA: Fanfic the sentence is complete but is a run on should be split up in a few places would be more readable then. >"Susan I am sorry but you start school on Monday concentrate >on the history." >Underneath the papers he finds two rings the colour of fresh >blood NYSSA: (interested) Blood? Where? DIANE: (to NYSSA) Chill out, Norma Bates. >putting one of them on his hand he gives the other to Susan . >As she dons it both rings change to their flesh colour and fade >from conscious awareness. DOUG: Except that the Doctor develops the habit of occasionally muttering to someone he calls 'my precioussssss'. > >Part 1: > >Varne "Where are we Lord?" DIANE: Is this supposed to be script format? NYSSA: I hate script format. I never want to be written that way... >"Nathol, Varne, the ass hole of the Universe. ALL: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! DOUG: No, seriously, tell us how you feel about it. Don't beat around the bush. NUMBER ONE: I'm betting 'Nathol' is somewhere in New Jer- sey. >The only dry land is in the mountains I have been here before >once and it was just as bad." DOUG: (mystery man) It was like being in Hell, but with worse customer service. >"Why Lord?" DIANE: I ask that almost every day. >"Pardon Varne and don't call me Lord." >"Why were you here before if this place is so bad Sir?" DOUG: (mystery man) Jim MacDougal and I were looking at developing some real estate... >"To get at the Gates of Dawn. I was running and the Gates >were the only way out." >"Sir?" NUMER ONE: (Varne) You're having another flashback, aren't you? >"Never mind. Varne we are only a day away time to make some >fine adjustments. Remember hooves not claws and loose the >fangs." DIANE: Huh? DOUG: Huh? NUMBER ONE: Huh? NYSSA: I like claws and fangs. [ALL look at one another and shrug.] >Varne " That will reduce my combat efficiency Lord" >" I am aware of that. It is more important not to be noticed. NYSSA: (Varne) Then, if I may, Lord, let me again suggest that you lose the tutu and Carmen Miranda hat. >This planet is monitored by my kin and everyone else who uses >mercenaries. By the way talking horses are not common round >here so keep quiet when anyone is around." DOUG: (Varne, as Mr. Ed) Okay, Wilbur. >Varne " I hear and obey. " >Varne " Lord why did they put so much effort into that >causeway?" DIANE: (mystery man) Just because. OTHERS: [throw popcorn at DIANE] >" There are things in the swamps as well as insects. NUMBER ONE: (singing) Things that crawl and things that fly/ And things that creep around on the ground/And they say the ghost of Lucius Clay/Gets up and he walks around! NYSSA: (to DOUG) Any idea where One gets this stuff? DOUG: (to NYSSA) Not a clue. Not sure I want to know, eith- er. >While they are quite happy eating each other DIANE and NUMBER ONE: [snicker] >they do prefer outsiders. Anyway onward and by the way don't >call me Lord." >Varne " Yes Sir." >Varne "Sir why were you running?" DOUG: (Varne) Are you a sissy little girly-man coward, or what? >" I wish I knew that's part of what I lost when I passed the NUMBER ONE: ...bar exam. That, and all my ethics. >gates. All I can remember is my kin are hunting me." > > Elsewhere; The column moved slowly up and down and a >faint humming could heard. DOUG: [puts his hand over DIANE's mouth] NYSSA: (to DOUG) Nice save! >A light started blinking on the console ALL: (shouting) Aaaaah! They've got fanfic-sign! >and a buzzer began to sound. A badly dressed figure hurried out >of the depths of the machine to the console. DOUG: 'Badly dressed'? Meaning what? NYSSA: A tutu and a Carmen Miranda hat? DIANE: (to NYSSA) Going to run that gag into the ground? NYSSA: (to DIANE) Are you talking to me, Miss 'Planet of Open-Minded Bisexual Nymphomaniac Stewardesses in Heat'? >He was followed by what was obviously a Scot. NUMBER ONE: (Mike Myers Scotsman) Where's yer shitter? I've got a turtle head pokin' out! >" What is wrong Doctor?" DIANE: (Doctor) Nothing, Jamie. You know, if you're going to wear a skirt that short, you should at least shave your legs. >"Nothing serious we seem to have picked up a message. DOUG: (Doctor) Strange. They want to know if our refrigerat- or is running... >Odd its in some sort of code all I can make out are some time >space coordinates. Interesting." " Doctor You aren't going >there are you?" NYSSA: And, I suspect he'll get the same answer we get when we tell Diane 'not to go there'... DIANE: [snickers] >"Why not Jamie have you got anything else to do?" NUMBER ONE: (Jamie) Actually, I hear tha' there be a lovely planet nae too far away tha' has got the prettiest li'l sheep ye've ever saw... NYSSA: [glares at NUMBER ONE] DIANE: And you say _I_ 'go there'... >" But Doctor." DOUG: (Doctor, as Joe Pesci) What are youse sayin'? That I'm some kinda proctologist? Is _that_ what you're sayin'? >" Oh go and see if Victoria is ready. We will be arriving soon." > >Back on Nathol ALL: (shouting) Ass hole of the Universe! > >The rider had reached the Eastern end of the causeway. >"At last Varne we are reaching what could be described as a >habitable part of this dump." DOUG: I've got it! The nameless guy here is actually a British travel writer! >Pulling a map from his pocket he studied it. NUMBER ONE: (mystery man, as Bugs Bunny) Drat! I knew I should've turned left at Albuquerque! DOUG: (mystery man, as Ryouga Hibiki) Where the Hell am I _now_? Ranma, this is all your fault! >"All right Varne we just follow this road to the Gates then the >recruiting station and the spaceport are a days journey beyond. >We will stay the night at the Gates." DIANE: The Gates Motel? ALL: [make screeching violin sounds a-la 'Psycho'] >Varne "Yes Sir." >"Varne be alert I don't know who sent that message which is >why we are sneaking in." DOUG: (mystery man) All we know is that they want to know if our refrigerator is running... >"Yes Sir. NYSSA: (Varne) 'To You, With Love'. >Sir there are two men just round the next bend I don't sense any >energy weapons." >"Alright Varne keep quiet and let me handle this." DIANE: (Varne) Hmmm... should I tell him about the flame- throwers? >A few minuets later NUMBER ONE: ...there was a rumba of distant thunder... NYSSA: ...and a stranger waltzed up... DIANE: ...and polkaed him in the eye. DOUG: (to OTHERS) Give me a break! I can't let disco on any longer. It's all just too mosh. NUMBER ONE: Well, _I_ thought it was a nice twist. >round the next bend the rider looks down at two bodies. DIANE: (mystery man) Ah! 'Tis the scourge of the Natholian swamp, the dreaded 'beast with two backs'! >Stowing a repeating crossbow he speaks. >" What a place even the bandits are incompetent. Still lets see >what they were carrying." NYSSA: Huh? What happened? Did the Not-a-Lord guy kill them, or were they just lying there, or what? Were they bandits? Just what is going on? DIANE: (to NYSSA) You're thinking way too much. Just take some deep, cleansing breaths, lean back, and let the fanfic wash over you. >Dismounting he searched the bodies finding the odd dagger DIANE: What constitutes an 'odd' dagger? NUMBER ONE: One with a handle carved with the likeness of Meredith Baxter-Birney? >some blood suckers DOUG: ...played by Senators Schumer, Boxer, and Feinstein in an amazingly well-typecast cameo. >and a handful of change plus some dried meat. >" Well Varne they really were useless still at least we now know >what the money looks like." ALL: Show me the money! >Taking some metal disks out of his pocket he concentrated as >the disks gradually changed to match what seems to be the >highest value coins. NYSSA: In a fiendish counterfeiting plot, our protagonist turns a handful of 1-ounce platinum disks into Natholian 4-cent coins. >" That's it, lets push on we should reach the Gates by nightfall >Varne." "Yes Sir." DOUG: Aye aye, Cap'n! DIANE: Hai, sensei. NYSSA: Jawohl, Herr Standartenfuhrer! NUMBER ONE: Blow it out your pie-hole, dipshit. OTHERS: [look at NUMBER ONE] NUMBER ONE: [shrugs] We Southerners ain't good at subser- vience. > >Part 3 > DIANE: Huh? Where'd Part 2 go? DOUG: (to DIANE) Shhh... The sooner we get done, the soon- er we get out. >n 700 Varne heard a knock on the door climbing out of the >bath and wrapping herself in a towel she went to the door. DIANE: But, I thought Varne was some kind of four-legged an- imal, like a horse, or something... NYSSA: (to DIANE) Well, there haven't been many clues, but I think Varne is some kind of shape-changer. DOUG: Ugh. You can't trust shape-changers. NUMBER ONE: (indignantly, to DOUG) Hey! _I'm_ sort of one! DOUG: [shrugs] Point proven. >Varne "Yes?" >"Page " Milady I have your luggage here and a message from >Count Melmoth." NYSSA: The punctuation is starting to give me a headache. DIANE: And who is 'Count Melmoth'? Did he crop up in part 2, or what? DOUG: Let's just assume that the mystery guy is Melmoth, until we find out differently. NUMBER ONE: Wasn't 'Melmoth' Alf's home planet? DOUG: (to NUMBER ONE) No, that's 'Melmac'. >Opening the door Varne faced the page "Well lets have them ." >Page "Sorry Milady here are the bags." >Varne "And the message?" DOUG: (Page) Milady, it says, 'Is your refrigerator running?' >"Page "Count Melmoth will be in the bar when you are ready." NUMBER ONE: Melmoth, Melmoth... I know! He's that cat- thing in 'Pokemon'! DOUG: (to NUMBER ONE) No, that's 'Meowth'. >Varne "Well tell the gentleman that when I am ready I will take >coffee in the lounge and I expect him to join me. NUMBER ONE: Bitchy chick. Must be her time of the month. NYSSA: (to NUMBER ONE) You sexist pig! [NYSSA dumps her drink on NUMBER ONE, changing him into a pretty, red-haired girl] NYSSA: (to NUMBER ONE (Female)) It amazes me that you persist in your male-chauvinist crap, since you know good and well that this always happens when you do it. NUMBER ONE (Female): (to NYSSA) Hah! I've got the last laugh, this time... [NUMBER ONE (F) pulls a thermos of hot water from under her seat and pours it on herself, turning back to male] NUMBER ONE: (to NYSSA) So-- [DIANE tosses her own drink on NUMBER ONE, turning him female again] NUMBER ONE (F): --there. [NYSSA and DIANE look smug, while DOUG snickers] NUMBER ONE (F): (to audience) So _that_ answers the question of why I don't carry a thermos of hot water with me. I'm still a girl, just three times wetter. I'm starting to wonder if they just like me better this way... DOUG: (to NUMBER ONE(F)) Well, I don't see how we could like you any _less_. > Clear!" >"Yes Milady." DIANE: (Page, as nurse) Use the defibrillator now! >Grabbing the bags Varne slammed the door muttering to >herself. >" Damn it, Melmoth and the bar, DOUG: (announcer) That's right! Coming up this Fall on the WB... one's a mysterious guy who hates being called 'Lord' and the other's a long, but narrow, piece of iron! They get together for some wacky hijinks on our new series 'Melmoth and the Bar'! Don't miss it! >the idiot's backsliding if I have to drag him out of a bar again >he'll never hear the last of it. Where in the nine hells is a dress? NUMBER ONE (F): Beelzebub's closet might be a good place to look. >why can't he let me pack?. . Why did I have this idea? why >don't I quit? NYSSA: Why are you asking us? >why don't I stop asking myself stupid questions? Damn >Grandfather! Damn him! Calm I must be calm! Gods I hate it >when he gets bored, why can't he kill someone? that always >cheers him up . NYSSA: Hey, I'm starting to like this 'Melmoth' guy! He's a fellow hobbyist! > In the bar 'Melmoth' was on his second double gin and tonic >when the message arrived. DOUG: (Melmoth) Strange... now they want to know if I have Prince Albert in a can... >'Melmoth' "Excuse me" >Barmaid "Yes Milord?" >'Melmoth' I would like coffee for two delivered to the lounge oh >and biscuits." NUMBER ONE (F): I've got it! Melmoth was that big bug-thing that Godzilla fought! DOUG: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) No, that was 'Mothra'. >Barmaid "Yes Milord. Any preferences ?" DIANE: (Melmoth) Actually, I'm quite fond of young Filipino boys. OTHERS: [look vaguely ill] >'Melmoth' "No" >The lounge was dimly lit with incredibly soft chairs NYSSA: Huh? Lit with chairs? What, did they forget to pay the utilities bill, so they have to burn the furniture? >arranged around low tables. Close to the door three figures >were sitting, at the far end what light there was reflected >strangely off some seated figures. DOUG: They were Elvis impersonators, and the glare from the 950,000 sequins they had on made it impossible to see. >"Doctor." >"Yes Victoria." NYSSA: (Victoria) We are not amused. >Victoria "Why are we sitting here?" NUMBER ONE (F): (Doctor) Well, if you aren't comfortable, you could always come sit in my lap. DIANE: (Victoria) I would, but you'll have to make Jamie get up first. >Doctor "Well first we are early the coordinates refer to >sometime in the next hour and second its comfortable here." NYSSA: (Doctor) And, third, the male strip show starts in five minutes. >Melmoth entered the lounge carrying his third gin. >At the table. >Jamie "Doctor what's that ring on your hand, it's glowing?" DIANE: (Doctor) It's a 'mood ring', Jamie. And, if you'll pull that kilt up a bit more, you'll see it glow even more. DOUG: (to DIANE) No more slash-fics for you. >Doctor "Well Jamie it's I don't remember no yes I do someone >gave it to me he never said what it was." NYSSA: Couldn't we take some of the extra quotation marks from earlier and recycle them into some commas and periods for this part? I'll even donate the labor for _free_... >'Melmoth' "I can tell you, it's what known as blood crystal. NYSSA: [perks up] Blood? Where? >Who gave it to you?" >Doctor "Now I remember, you did, you refused to say why." >Repeating the story the Doctor asks DIANE: (Doctor) So... boxers or briefs? NUMBER ONE (F): (Melmoth) A burlap thong, actually. >" Alright why did you give it to me and why did you leave one >for Susan as well?" DOUG: (Doctor) And, while we're on the subject, why are you wearing a tutu and a Carmen Miranda hat? NYSSA: [smiles at DOUG and gives him a thumb's-up] >Sitting down 'Melmoth signals for a waiter NUMBER ONE (F): (Melmoth) Yo! Swill-slopper! Get yer thumb outta my pate de foie gras and shake yer ass over here! [makes two-fingered 'up-yours' sign] >"Waiter please make my order coffee for five." >Waiter "Yes Milord." DOUG: (waiter) Ya want fries with that? NUMBER ONE (F): (Melmoth) Why would I want fries with coffee? DOUG: (waiter) Uh... you'll have to ask the manager. >Jamie "Five?" DIANE: (Eric Idle) Three, sir. >'Melmoth' "My companion will be joining us shortly." NUMBER ONE (F): Could he mean Current Companion? NYSSA: [looks at NUMBER ONE (F), annoyed] That was _three_ episodes ago. Live in the _now_. >"Melmoth' "Anyway who are you sir?" >Jamie " He is the Doctor and I am Jamie and this is Victoria." DIANE: (Jamie) But, we call her 'Sugarbritches'. >Rising 'Melmoth bows to each in turn. NUMBER ONE (F): ...then allemands left and do-si-dos. >Doctor "Who sir are you?" >'Melmoth' "Oh call me Melmoth" DOUG: (Doctor) Can I call you 'Two-Sheds'? >Doctor "You still have not answered my original question." NUMBER ONE (F): (Doctor) If God is all-powerful, could He create a TV show so bad that even He, Himself couldn't watch it? DIANE: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) You've obviously never heard of 'The Facts of Life'. >'Melmoth' "True, that's because I don't know why, this the first >time I have met you." >Doctor "Do you travel in time as well." NYSSA: Perhaps if you _asked_ him, Doctor... >'Melmoth' "Rarely, I don't have access to anything as useful as a DIANE: (snottily) ...mirror and comb, evidently! >Tardis. I do have a warp belt but it is only capable of short >hops." DOUG: Is that what they make small beer out of? OTHERS: [groan in pain] >Doctor "How do you power it?" >'Melmoth' "With difficulty. NYSSA: (Victoria, snottily) Well, the Doctor can supply you with all of _that_ you might need! >Ah Varne how nice of you to join us." Varne "Drinking again >Lord." >'Melmoth' "Don't call me Lord Varne." DOUG: (Varne, puzzled) I've never called you 'Lord Varne'. >Varne "Yes Lord" >'Melmoth' "Please sit Varne and I have ordered coffee." NUMBER ONE (F): I've got it now. Melmoth was the bad guy in Middle-Earth. DOUG: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) No, that was 'Morgoth'. >Varne "Thank you Sir, that's a lot healthier than what you have >been drinking." >'Melmoth' "For someone who keeps claiming to be my devoted >servant you nag a lot." [NYSSA and DIANE both look rather pointedly at NUMBER ONE (F), who wisely keeps her mouth shut] >Varne "Who me Lord?" >'Melmoth' "Please Varne call me by name not Lord." >Varne "Sorry Sir." >'Melmoth' "Varne!" DIANE: (to OTHERS) Who all thinks Varne is about to win an all-expenses-paid trip to Bitch Slap City? ALL: [raise hands] >Varne "Lord?" >Hurriedly Victoria bursts into NYSSA: (eagerly) ...flames? >speech NYSSA: (disappointed) Oh. >" Varne how nice to meet you I am Victoria. The Doctor should >have introduced us." >Varne "I do apologise, no Milord should have made the >introductions." NUMBER ONE (F): (Victoria) Whatever. Want to go snog? >Jamie "Doctor I am going to look round." Jamie leaves. DOUG: In Doctor Who terms, that means Jamie's going off to get himself captured by somebody. NYSSA: (to DOUG) Not necessarily. DOUG: (to NYSSA) Bet? NYSSA: [considers] No. >'Melmoth' "Waiter" >Waiter "Yes Milord." DIANE: (Melmoth, annoyed) Take back this gazpacho soup. It's ice cold! >'Melmoth' "How long until dawn?" DOUG: (waiter) Two-and-a-half days. >Waiter "About twelve hours" >Doctor "Why were you asking that?" >'Melmoth' "Wandering around here is not save near dawn. The >Gates draw people in. DOUG: (Melmoth) And then it makes them use Internet Ex- plorer as their default browser. [The screen fades out and the lights come back on.] TEGAN: (voice-over) Okay! Adric says you can all take a break now! ALL: All right! About time! Woohoo! NYSSA: (softly) You traitorous hussy... [All four get up and leave the theater] Notes - Part Two
Back to M
|