[Door sequence: 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...]
[SOL bridge interior]
[The bridge has been redecorated again. The TV and couch are
still there, but the flag and posters are gone. In their place is a
large peace sign made of beads and some photos of cute animals
such as kittens and baby seals. NEGA-ONE is dusting the
furniture and is wearing bell-bottoms, a 'Hillary Clinton Fan Club'
t-shirt, and is without sunglasses. He sings as he works.]
NEGA-ONE: (singing) ...I made it through the rain...
[DOUG, DIANE, and NUMBER ONE (Female) enter from the
NEGA-ONE: (to OTHERS) Hi! Are you having fun?
DOUG: (to NEGA-ONE) To put it bluntly, no.
NEGA-ONE: That's nice.
NUMBER ONE (F): (to NEGA-ONE) Just what in the _Hell_
are you wearing?
NEGA-ONE: You mean my t-shirt? Isn't it great? She's the
smartest woman in the world, you know, and it'll be _so_ great
to have her in the Senate. I got the shirt after I donated some
money to her campaign.
NUMBER ONE (F): (suspiciously) Where did _you_ get money?
NEGA-ONE: I used our bank account.
NUMBER ONE (F): (infuriated) _Our_?! You mean _mine_!
You donated _my_ money to that Marxist hag!
NEGA-ONE: (meekly) Oh dear. I've upset you. I'm so sorry. I
didn't... [begins crying]
NUMBER ONE (F): Oh, for the love of God, will you stop that?
NEGA-ONE: [cries harder]
NUMBER ONE (F): That's it, I'm beating the shit out of you,
[NUMBER ONE (F) begins stalking toward NEGA-ONE, but
DOUG and DIANE hold her back.]
DIANE: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) We can't let you do this.
NUMBER ONE (F): (to DIANE) Y'all just enjoy seeing me
DOUG: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) Well, yes, but that's not why.
Just look at the poor guy. It'd be like kicking a puppy. So come
on and settle down. I mean, he apologized, right? Just give him
a chance to fit in.
NUMBER ONE (F): Fine, whatever. Just let me go.
[DOUG and DIANE release NUMBER ONE (F)]
NUMBER ONE (F): (to NEGA-ONE) Okay, okay. Apology
accepted. I won't smack you around.
[NEGA-ONE stops crying, runs over, and gives NUMBER ONE
(F) a hug.]
NEGA-ONE: See? We can resolve our conflicts without vio-
lence! We can usher in the New Age of Love!
NUMBER ONE (F): (to NEGA-ONE, growling) Hands off, bub,
or we'll be ushering in the Age of Smackdown.
NEGA-ONE: [lets go of NUMBER ONE (F)] (to OTHERS) So,
would you guys like some more snacks to take to the Theater?
I've made some up.
DIANE: Yes, please.
[NEGA-ONE exits to the left]
DOUG: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) See? He's made us some food.
He's not so bad.
NUMBER ONE (F): Easy for you to say. You don't have a wimpy,
sissified clone of yourself make an ass of you on television.
DOUG: [shrugs] You'd make an ass of yourself, anyway. What's
the big difference?
DIANE: He does grate on the nerves, though.
DOUG: So does the original.
[The console light begins to flash.]
NUMBER ONE (F): Well, as much as I hate to interrupt y'all's
little pep talk, it looks like the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew are
[NUMBER ONE (F) presses the light.]
[Interior back room at This Time Round]
[TEGAN is standing behind the console, while ADRIC works at
a desk in the background.]
TEGAN: Hello, all. Still alive, I see.
NUMBER ONE (F): Were you calling to remind us of that fact,
or did you actually have a point?
TEGAN: Well, Adric said it was customary to call during your
intermissions to check up and taunt you. He's letting me do it,
so as to give me some time in front of the camera. Say, where's
DOUG: (nervously) I don't think she wants to talk to you just
NUMBER ONE (F): Actually, she said, quote, "I'd rather be rav-
ished by a sex-crazed Skarasen than see that big-mouthed, back-
biting tramp." End quote.
DIANE: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) That was a mean thing to tell.
NUMBER ONE (F): (to DIANE) [shrugs] So, I'm a bastard.
This should surprise no one. [takes out a cigarette and lights
TEGAN: Well, I'm sorry she feels that way, but it's all part of
the road to mental health. Now, I'm supposed to taunt you, but
I don't really know how. So, I thought we'd just chat a bit. How
is the fanfic?
DIANE: [shrugs] Better than some sessions we've had. There's
more happening than in a Woon story, not that that says a whole
DOUG: The formatting is very difficult and the 'fic needs about
three times as much punctuation. I think that part's getting to
Nyssa a bit.
NUMBER ONE (F): At least the characters aren't all so treacly-
nice you want to gutshoot them, like in some we've had to read.
TEGAN: Oh. Okay, I'll let Adric know.
DOUG: What's he doing, anyway? I would've thought he'd want
to do his own taunting.
TEGAN: [shrugs] I dunno. He had some kind of sudden brain-
storm, and said he needed to get something ready to go by the
end of the show. He didn't tell me what it was.
DOUG: (darkly) Most ominous. [nods]
[NEGA-ONE enters from the left, carrying a tray of food.]
NEGA-ONE: (to OTHERS) Snacks are ready!
DIANE: Excellent! I threw most of my popcorn at Doug.
NEGA-ONE: I've made celery sticks with wheat germ dip, tofu
patties, granola bars, and some sparkling mineral water.
DIANE: No hot buttered popcorn?
NEGA-ONE: Heavens no! All that fat and starch takes _years_
off your life! How could you even-- [notices NUMBER ONE (F)'s
OTHERS: [look around, confused]
[NEGA-ONE runs over and plucks the cigarette out of NUMBER
ONE (F)'s mouth, an expression of horror on his face]
NEGA-ONE: (to NUMBER ONE (F), scoldingly) Don't you know
about the terrible health risks of smoking? Or the hazards of second-
hand smoke? Why, the Surgeon General says--
TEGAN: Sorry. Break's over.
[TEGAN pushes a large and conspicuous button on the console.]
[Various alarms, lights, and sirens go off as partial chaos ensues.]
NEGA-ONE: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) We'll discuss this later.
NUMBER ONE (F): (to NEGA-ONE) You bet we will.
DOUG and DIANE: Aaaah! We've got fanfic-sign!
DOUG, DIANE, and NUMBER ONE (F): [run off]
[Door sequence: 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...]
[SOL Theater interior]
[All four enter the theater as usual and take their accustomed
DIANE: (to NYSSA) Tegan was asking about you.
NYSSA: (to DIANE) I hope you told her to get stuffed.
[A screen in front of the four lights up and words begin to appear
> Victoria has drawn Varne aside and they are talking in a low
>undertone. The Doctor is interrogating Melmoth.
NUMBER ONE (F): (Doctor, as policeman) Where were you on
the night of November 23rd, 1963?
>Unnoticed the figures from the far end of the lounge move close
>enough to overhear.
>Victoria " Where did you meet him?"
DIANE: (Varne) I met him in a club down in old SoHo, where
they drink champagne and it tastes just like cherry cola. C-O-L-
DOUG: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) That's your theme song, isn't it?
NUMBER ONE (F): (angrily) Shut up, Yankee!
>Varne "At home. Its a long story but briefly my ' Honourable
>and Wise' grandfather had managed to get himself into a
NYSSA: (Varne) He lost the family fortune back in '91 when he
invested it in an insurance firm whose main customer was the
>and without my Lord's help the whole clan would have gone
>down the tube. My Lord managed to bail my 'Honoured'
NUMBER ONE (F): Lord Melmoth: time-travelling adventurer
and interstellar bail bondsman.
DIANE: Sounds like a new UPN show.
>and then helped to make our clan the most powerful in the
DOUG: (Varne) Before long, all who wore the robes were un-
der our command, and the crosses burned night and day...
NUMBER ONE (F): (to DOUG) That's 'clan', with a 'c'. Not
'Klan', with a 'K'.
>Doctor " Why Melmoth?"
DIANE: (Melmoth) I was trying to think up a name that had
overtones of both an annoying redhead and a household pest.
[glances at NUMBER ONE (F)] And, since 'Number One Roach'
sounds stupid, I went with 'Mel-moth'.
NUMBER ONE (F): That remark would've hurt my self-esteem
if I had any left.
>'Melmoth' " Why not. It suits me in this mood. Besides I have a
>weakness for obscure literary references."
NYSSA: (Melmoth) Which is why all my pet fish are named
after characters from _Atlas Shrugged_.
>Victoria "What's the city?"
>Varne "Where I come from there was only one city.
NUMBER ONE (F): Whoop-de-doo. Where I come from, there
ain't _no_ city.
>I have seen others since we arrived here but nothing that
>compares for size. It is or was the centre of our civilisation and
DOUG: (Varne) It's where the McDonald's was located, in
>Doctor "The Gates of Dawn what are they and why that name?"
>'Melmoth' " The name that's easy
DIANE: (Melmoth) You see, they were intended to operate in
tandem with the Gates of Tony Orlando...
>they are only open for about 10 minuets
NYSSA: (to OTHERS) We pretty well beat this one for all it
was worth last time. I say we give it a pass.
OTHERS: [nod] Pass.
>around planetary dawn. As for what they are I don't know. I
>don't know who built them I only know what they do."
NUMBER ONE (F): (Sgt. Schulz) I know nuss-ink, Colonel
>Victoria "Do you like him?"
>Varne " Like him ?
NYSSA: (Victoria, tough) Do I stutter? You got wax in your
>Like the best killer I have ever met?
DIANE: (Victoria) No, I mean Melmoth, not Musashi.
>Like the man who saved us all from slavery?
DIANE: (Victoria) No, I mean Melmoth, not Spartacus.
>Like an introvert alcoholic?
DIANE: (Victoria) No, I mean Melmoth, not Edgar Allan Poe.
>Like the man who dragged me away from home? Like the only
>person in the clan who treated me as an equal?
DIANE: (Victoria, annoyed) If that person is Melmoth, then
_yes_, that is what I'm asking!
>Yes I like him. "
NYSSA: (Varne) But I don't, you know, _like_ him. More like
just a plain old 'like', and not 'like' as in _like_. You know?
>Doctor "Well what do they do?"
>'Melmoth ' "Kill people mostly.
DOUG: Hang on. Are we still talking about the Gates of Dawn,
or have we moved on to a discussion of French driving habits?
>I survived but it cost me. I lost talents I had spent centuries
>building and gained abilities I still don't understand.
NUMBER ONE (F): (Melmoth) I can't play the ocarina any
more, but I now have the power to instantly turn cheddar cheese
into _extra-sharp_ cheddar by willpower alone.
>I also lost a lot of my memories. I remember I dared The Gates
>to escape my kin.
DIANE: (Melmoth) My cousin Chuck was always pestering me
to take him to the liquor store, and Aunt Fran and Uncle Tony
would always fight at family get-togethers, and my sister hooked
up with some cult that worships roosters... I didn't really have a
>I can't remember who my kin are or why I was running. Varne
>says my signature is unique
NYSSA: That's a nice way of saying that you write like a four-
year-old with Tourette's Syndrome.
>and she can detect anyone related to me."
DOUG: (Melmoth) ...by their odor and the fact that they have
six fingers on each hand.
NUMBER ONE (F): (to DOUG) So, Melmoth's from Arkansas,
>Victoria " Well if he is a family friend and you think of him
>like that why don't you call him by name?
NYSSA: (Varne) Just between you and me, it's because the
word 'Lord' in my language means 'dipwad'. Don't tell, okay?
>After all I've heard him ask you to." Varne "Several reasons.
>First my ' Honourable and Beloved' Grandfather said there was
>power in names.
DIANE: (Varne) Of course, he also says that the toaster talks to
him and that wombats from the planet Codsniff are plotting to
take over the Universe with a humongous space hibachi.
>Second the only way my Lord would agree to take me with him
>was when Grandfather insisted that one of the family swore
>service to my Lord to repay the service to the family and he
>resents that. The idiot want's to be on his own and I know that
>if I let him he would spend the rest of his life drinking."
DOUG: Thank you for that lovely monologue! Ladies and gen-
tlemen, let's have a round of applause for Miss Varne Backstory!
ALL: [clap listlessly]
>Doctor "You still haven't said why you risked The Gates?
>'Melmoth' "Because they are the ultimate escape.
DIANE: I thought that was Club Med?
NUMBER ONE (F): Naw, it was a Steve McQueen movie.
>They act totally at random
DOUG: ...like Pauly Shore.
>though there is supposed to be a means of controlling them.
>Anyway they can send you anywhere in space or time in any
NUMBER ONE (F): (announcer) ...for only $89.95! That's
right, $89.95! The airlines can't beat that! The bus companies
can't beat that, either! So, get your ticket _right now_! Do it,
or we'll drown these kittens!
>Victoria "Let me guess that was your idea."
>Varne " Yes I wasn't going to let him out on his own."
DIANE: (Varne) He'd knock over all the neighbors' trash cans
and dig up old Mrs. Svenson's begonias. Plus, he always comes
back covered with ticks.
>Victoria " Are there other reasons?"
>Varne " Yes it annoys him and when he's annoyed he doesn't
>brood and besides I won't pronounce his true name
DOUG: It's probably one of those Welsh ones with about two
dozen 'L's in it.
>and I think his alternatives are ridiculous."
NYSSA: What? Like 'Bitsy-pookums'?
>Doctor "Any universe? I know about E space and this universe
>are there others?"
>'Melmoth' " Just vacuoles
NYSSA: Never say 'vacuoles' again.
>usually one solar system though there may be some bigger
>Doctor "Who or what is Varne she's not human, is she?
DIANE: Questions, questions! Is this a story or a 'Rolling Stone'
NUMBER ONE (F): (Melmoth) We cut our first album in 1966
under the name 'Melmoth and the Menstrual Cramps'...
>'Melmoth' "Varne she's annoying, and must hate me. After all I
>dragged her away from her home and everything she knew.
DOUG: ...and her dream job as assistant manager of the local
>Her grandfather bound her to my service. I have tried to free
>her and broke the bonds and offered to return her but
NYSSA: ...I lost the receipt.
>she won't quit I wish I new why. She keeps saying until her
>grandfather frees her she is bound.
DIANE: I'm sensing some 'bondage' subtext, here.
NUMBER ONE (F): (to DIANE) You were bound to say that...
>If you want to know what she is I suggest you ask her I don't
>know. I ended up somewhere peculiar which I never understood
> Wandering through the hall Jamie finds a flight of stairs
>heading downwards. As he descends he notices that the walls
>change from worked stone to rough cut rock.
NUMBER ONE (F): (dungeonmaster) Okay, I need your party's
marching order. You work that out while I roll to check for
DIANE: My half-elf fighter has his Long Sword +2 ready!
>Finally the stairs end in a vast and seemingly empty cellar. In
>the distance water is dripping but no other sound can be heard.
DIANE: Search for traps.
DOUG: [sighs] D and D is _so_ '80's...
>Most of the floor is covered with dust but in the dim light from
NYSSA: ...some incredibly soft chairs...
>a few overhead fittings a scuffed path can be seen heading away
>from the stairs. Following the trail Jamie finds a patch of black
>pavement, set into this is a spiral staircase going further down.
>Warm air is rising from the opening.
DIANE: I could get _so_ Freudian right here...
>Conveniently a number of lamps have been left by the stair top.
NYSSA: (announcer) That's right! For all-around convenience
anywhere, anytime, nothing beats a good old-fashioned lamp!
This message is sponsored by the British Lighting Association.
> In the lounge.
NUMBER ONE (F): ...Varne and Victoria were slow-dancing to
some Helen Reddy songs.
>Doctor "You said somewhere peculiar"
DIANE: (Melmoth) Yes. Rather like where your hand is right
>'Melmoth' "Like nowhere else I remember visiting. Mind you I
>was disorientated when I arrived it took me a week to
>remember my own name."
DOUG: (Melmoth) A month after that, I had my sex pretty well
figured out, and by the end of the year I had managed to confirm
that I was not a quadruped.
>Victoria "How did you meet him?"
DIANE: (Varne) I met him in a club down--
NUMBER ONE (F): (interrupting, annoyed) You did that one
DOUG: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) Hush, Lola.
NUMBER ONE (F): [growls]
>Varne " He was living with the clan
DIANE: (Scotsman) We let him stay, and gave him th' job of
puttin' dresses on th' sheep.
NUMBER ONE (F): I'll bet they weren't made of virgin wool!
DOUG: [whaps DIANE on the head]
NYSSA: [whaps NUMBER ONE (F) on the head]
>when I went to the City to
DOUG: ...visit Caroline.
>finish my education. I think he had been there about 10 years
>and was already bored."
NYSSA: (sarcastically) After only ten years? What, has he got
Attention Deficit Disorder, or something?
>Varne "Excuse me there's something odd here."
NUMBER ONE (F): (Victoria, seductively) That's just my hand.
Want me to stop?
>The listeners have moved back to the far end of the lounge.
DOUG: (announcer) Attention, please! Plot point in progress!
This is not a drill! Plot point in progress!
>Varne concentrates and Victoria is startled to see her eyes glow.
DIANE: (Victoria) Oh, here. I think I've got some Visine you
>Varne " Sir, Melmoth! there is something strange here."
ALL: (shouting) She said there's something strange here!
>Varne "I am not sure I can't tell if it, or them are alive
NUMBER ONE (F): I'd like to make a Keith Richards gag right
here, but I can't be bothered to think one up.
>I am picking up a presence
NYSSA: (Victoria, seductively) I've never been called a 'pres-
>like nothing I have ever sensed before."
>'Melmoth' " Never mind.
DIANE: (Varne) Dammit, there's something strange going on!
Don't just sit there naming Nirvana albums!
>Doctor would you like to see the Gates it should be safe for
NUMBER ONE (F): (Melmoth) Afterwards, I have some 'etch-
ings' in my room you might be interested in...
>As they leave the lounge the Doctor draws Victoria to one side .
DOUG: And Melmoth responds by drawing Elizabeth I on the
>Doctor " Victoria I think I know who these two are .
NYSSA: (Doctor, conspiratorially) They're some of those...
>Don't under any circumstances ask Varne what she is or
>'Melmoth what his true name is they might tell you,"
DOUG: (Doctor) ...and we can't risk having you bored into a
coma at this point.
>Doctor "Not now I will explain later."
>The Doctor to 'Melmoth' " Excuse me what is blood crystal?"
NUMBER ONE (F): It's the new Type O Negative album.
NYSSA: It's the secret ingredient in Folger's Coffee.
DIANE: It's the third-most-popular name for baby girls in Cali-
DOUG: It's Billy's cousin from Seattle.
>Pulling a shapeless black lump from his pocket
DIANE: (sadly) You play, you pay...
>'Melmoth' answers " A rare crystal which was a gift from
NYSSA: That's what they told him, anyway. In actuality, they
just dug a bunch of hardened crud from under the stove and gave
it to him as a gag...
>This it what it looks like when it is unworked.
NUMBER ONE (F): (Melmoth) But, just work it a little, baby,
and it gets a lot more impressive...
DIANE: [snickers] That's what they all say.
NYSSA: (to DIANE) You'd know, I suppose.
DIANE: [glares at NYSSA]
>What you have has been shaped and charged. I know I made it
>but it must have attuned to you by now and I have no idea what
>properties it has or why I will give it to you.
DOUG: Remind me to never exchange Christmas gifts with this
>Ah the cellars down this stair
NYSSA: A downstairs cellar! What _will_ they think of next?
>and move towards the centre of the room."
> Jamie had reached the bottom of the staircase and arrived at a
DOUG: Petticoat Junction?
>of three passages. Moving towards the only one with signs of
>use he finds a long tunnel. A slight glow is visible in the
ALL: (shouting) No! Don't go into the light!
>As he moves towards the glow he passes through three open
>doorways the doors seem to be about three feet thick.
NUMBER ONE (F): Thickness. A quality they and Jamie shared.
>Passing the final doorway he is moving into a room when his
>wrist is seized by a grip of steel.
NUMBER ONE (F): Or, to put it in terms Jamie would under-
stand: a grip as tight as a sheep's--
[The OTHERS all whap NUMBER ONE (F) repeatedly on the
NUMBER ONE (F): Okay! Okay! I give up!
NYSSA: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) No more sheep jokes?
NUMBER ONE (F): No more.
DOUG: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) Promise?
NUMBER ONE (F): I swear I won't force EWE to endure the
RAMifications of more BAA-AAd sheep jokes.
DOUG: (to NYSSA) Can I punch her?
NYSSA: (to DOUG) Only if you promise you won't stop.
>A voice speaks "You will remain still until the Leader arrives,
>resistance is useless."
DOUG: It's the Borg!
DIANE: (Borg) We are Jack Daniels of Borg. You will be in-
NYSSA: (Borg) We are Dyslexic of Borg. Your ass will be
DOUG: (Borg) We are Delta Airlines of Borg. Your assimila-
tion will be delayed for three hours.
DIANE: (Borg) We are Troll of Borg. Your newsgroup will be
NYSSA: (Borg) We are Ed MacMahon of Borg. You may al-
ready be assimilated.
NUMBER ONE (F): (Borg) We are Overprotective Mother of
Borg. Counselling is useless. You will be emasculated.
>Jamie " A cyberman!"
>Cyberman "Silence or I will render you unconscious."
DIANE: Must be one of those 'kinder, gentler' Cybermen.
>In the cellar they have arrived at the stairs.
>'Melmoth' " One thing I am sure off
NYSSA: Way off, I'd say.
>I never knew whether the Gate Builders made the warrens or
>just took them over.
DOUG: They bought them at auction after Bigwig and the
others defaulted on the mortgage.
>Not that it matters the Gates draw people.
DIANE: (Melmoth) But, they always make the eyes too big...
>It is impossible to go down there and not end up at the Gates.
>Varne they will need light bring a lamp."
>Doctor " We can carry our own lamps."
>'Melmoth' " A good idea but bring one anyway Varne."
NYSSA: (announcer) Remember, you can never have too many
lamps! This message is sponsored by the British Lighting Asso-
> Part 6
> At the bottom of the stairs they pause.
NUMBER ONE (F): I know! Melmoth was that irritating pop
singer in 'Robotech'.
DOUG: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) No, that was 'Minmei'. And,
she wasn't irritating. She was an abomination.
>"Doctor the shortest way to the Gates is that way but I think we
>should take the scenic route."
>Doctor "Yes, we are being followed I assume?"
ALL: Never assume!
DIANE: That's right. Because, when you assume, you end up
DOUG: --an ASS--
NUMBER ONE (F): --of U--
NYSSA: --and ME!
>Varne " Yes Doctor, whatever I sensed in the lounge is on the
>stairs now." Victoria " Why is the air so fresh down here?"
NUMBER ONE (F): Because it uses 'Summer's Eve', the dispos-
able do-- URK!
[NYSSA shoves a handful of popcorn into NUMBER ONE (F)'s
mouth, silencing her]
>'Melmoth' "Leakage through the Gates. Move we can't stay
ALL: (singing) 'Cause it's closing tiiiiime...
>That passage should do."
DOUG: Which passage? Something from Ephesians or 2nd
NYSSA: No. Nyssa 3:16.
DOUG: (to NYSSA) Oh, Lord. Do we really want to know?
NYSSA: Ahem. (shouting) Nyssa 3:16 says, NOBODY crosses
the Terror from Traken! And that's the bottom line, 'cause stone-
cold Nyssa says so!
DIANE: (to NYSSA) No more Monday Nitro for you.
>Doctor "You know more about these Gates than you have been
>telling us." 'Melmoth' " I am remembering more.
DOUG: ...that I'm also not going to tell you.
>Move! We are far too exposed here."
NUMBER ONE (F): (Varne) That's not _my_ fault. Victoria's
the one who keep unbuttoning my dress.
DIANE: (Victoria) Well, fine. To make it fair, I'll unbutton
mine, too. Happy now?
>Shortly after they have left the followers arrive.
DIANE: How can a leader be a follower?
NYSSA: Never mind that. These Cybermen were hanging out
in the lounge earlier, and no one spotted them. I just want to
DIANE: Some sort of disguise device, maybe?
DOUG: More like a plot device.
> they have gone that way. Should we follow?"
>Leader "No we will go directly to the Gate Chamber
NUMBER ONE (F): (Leader) We will not pass 'Go'. We will
not collect $200.
>they will arrive there soon."
>In the warren 'Melmoth' stops "Varne we should be directly
>behind the main chamber can you sense anything?"
NUMER ONE (F): (Varne) I'm getting a strange feeling... Vic-
toria, get your fingers out of there!
>Varne "Dimly, there is interference
DOUG: (Varne) They also have _Divided Loyalties_ and _The
Hollow Men_. Everything else on the shelf is Star Trek.
>but I think there are several things of the kind in the lounge in
DIANE: (Doctor) Aha! Lounge lizards! Where's my flame-
>Oh Jamie is there as well.""Is Jamie alright?"
>Varne " Well he is conscious."
NYSSA: Not that that says a lot.
>'Melmoth' " There is an entrance in the next corridor. Do you
>have any suggestions Doctor?"
DOUG: (Doctor) Well, I thought we could make Fridays 'Casual
Day', and maybe get more shelves for the cubicles.
>Doctor " I think you should let Varne and I go first. If we are
>dealing with what I think we are Varne should confuse them."
NYSSA: Well, she confuses me.
>'Melmoth' "Well she confuses me."
NYSSA: [shudders] Brrr. That was spooky...
>Varne "Thank you Lord. I always try to please."
DIANE: (Victoria, seductively) While we're on that subject,
>Doctor "Victoria stay outside."
>Victoria "But Doctor, oh very well."
>'Melmoth' " I guaranty her safety.
NUMBER ONE (F): (Melmoth) If her head isn't still somewhere
near her neck when you get back, I'll give you a refund and a
free oil change.
>Varne is there anything outside the chamber?"
>Varne "No Lord."
DOUG: (Melmoth) What's this big secret of yours I keep hear-
>if anything happens follow this tunnel back to the stairs. If you
>come to a door you are going the wrong way."
NUMBER ONE (F): (Melmoth, as Akemi) If you meet your
brother Cain on the road, kill him.
DOUG: And the award for 'Most Obscure Riff of the Show' goes
to Number One!
NYSSA and DIANE: [applaud]
>'Melmoth' " Doctor the chamber is rectangular. The Gates are
>set into two of the walls with doors in the others. Try and get
>yourself and Jamie near one of the doors, failing that get as
>close to Jamie as you can.
DIANE: (Doctor, huskily) That's not a problem. Oooh, you
>Oh and take this."
ALL: [make slapping noise]
>Doctor " What? "
DOUG: (Melmoth) This!
ALL: [making slapping noise]
>'Melmoth' " A smoke grenade, it's impact fused. You might
>find it useful."
DOUG: I wonder if it has to carry a Surgeon General's warning?
>The Gate chamber is huge set into two of the walls are the
NUMBER ONE (F): Bill and Daryl.
NUMBER ONE (F): Oh, and Horatio, too.
>in each wall.
NUMBER ONE (F): Crap, I can't think of three more.
>About twenty feet high each one is showing a view into another
DIANE: ...or, in some cases, 'All My Children'.
>The views are changing constantly with no visible repetition
>and most of the scenes look highly unappealing.
NYSSA: Must not have cable.
>At the centre of the chamber is either an abstract sculpture or a
>control console. Which it is seems debatable. Jamie is standing
>in a corner being watched by a cyberman.
ALL: (singing) Every move you make/Every breath you take/I'll
be watching you-u-u...
>The other cybermen and the cyber leader are examining the
NYSSA: (Cyberleader) Which button sends them the fanfic?
DOUG: (Cyberman, cheerily) Quite! And how about yourself?
>Cyberman "The control layout is not logical. The console is
>powered but the energy flows are random. There is nothing in
>the database that matches to a greater than two percent
NYSSA: (Cyberleader) Well, get it working, or I'll match my
foot to your butt at a 100% confidence level.
>Leader "As predicted we need the Gatekeeper."
NUMBER ONE (F): (Cyberleader) Cyber-converting Jeane Dixon
was a good idea...
DIANE: You also need the Keymaster, don't forget.
DOUG: Ugh. If the Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man shows up, I'm
out of here.
>Cyberman "The summons was sent."
DIANE: (Cyberman) They have 30 days to appear in Municipal
Court, then they are ours.
>The Doctor and Varne enter the room. One of the cybermen
>points a large and efficient looking gun at them.
NUMBER ONE (F): That's what I like to see! Nothing irritates
me as much as some of these guns you get that won't even half-
way do their jobs. And don't even get me started on temp-guns.
You'd do as well to use a pointed stick!
>Leader "You are the Doctor you are an enemy why are you
DOUG: I'm pretty sure those are lyrics from a Doors song.
>Doctor " I got your invitation, why are you here?"
>Leader " Invitation? Our summons was intercepted?
NUMBER ONE (F): Yeah. A 'Bama defensive back caught it
on their own 35 yard line and ran it back for a touchdown.
DOUG and DIANE: (shouting) Roll Tide!
NYSSA: [shakes head] Humans are _too_ weird...
>No matter you will not interfere. Move over to the other
DOUG: (Jamie) Doctor, they keep callin' me 'Number Six'...
>Woman are you the Gatekeeper?"
DIANE: I can't help but picture Rick Moranis playing the Cyb-
DOUG: (Bud Abbot) No, What's on second base. Who is on
NUMBER ONE (F): (Lou Costello) I'm not asking you who's
on first. Who's on second?
DOUG: (Bud Abbot) Who is on first!
NUMBER ONE (F): (Lou Costello) I don't know.
DOUG: (Bud Abbot) I Don't Know is on third base. Who is on
NUMBER ONE (F): I'm not asking who's on first. Who's on
DOUG: (Bud Abbot) I'm telling you, Who is on first!
NUMBER ONE (F): (Lou Costello) I don't know!
DOUG and NUMBER ONE (F): (Abbot and Costello) Third
DIANE: (to audience) The classic 'Who's on First?' skit, ladies
and gentlemen. No doubt Abbot and Costello are achieving
enough rpms in their graves to power Milwaukee for a month...
>Leader "Join the other prisoners. Prisoners move into the
NYSSA: (Cyberleader) You have all been quite naughty. You
shall remain in the corner, and do without your pudding after
>Jamie "Doctor we have to do something and why did you bring
NUMBER ONE (F): (Jamie) Do ye nae know tha' girls has got
>Doctor " Not now Jamie. Varne they find gold toxic."
NYSSA: (Varne, sarcastic) Well isn't that helpful to know? Ex-
cuse me while I pull some 24 karat ingots out of my butt.
>Leader "Silence . Your value as prisoners is doubtful if you
NYSSA: ...Fermat's Theorem...
>a distraction we will kill you."
DOUG: ...by making you watch 'Mentos' commercials until your
>Enter 'Melmoth' and Victoria his hands are
DIANE: ...clenched in fists of rage. No angel born in Hell could
break that Satan's spell.
>behind his head . Following them is yet another cyberman.
NUMBER ONE (F): (Victoria) Can we keep him, Mom? Please?
Huh, can we? Pleeeease...
DOUG: (Melmoth) We promise we'll take care of him and clean
up after him and keep him from conquering the Universe...
>'Melmoth' "Varne you missed one but I like you anyway."
DIANE: (Varne, as Sally Field) He likes me! He really _likes_
>Leader "Human join the other prisoners."
DOUG: ...in a rousing chorus of 'Oh, Susannah!'
>Leader "You are the Gatekeeper."
>'Melmoth' " What makes you think that?"
NYSSA: (Cyberleader) The logo on your t-shirt. It says, 'I'd
rather be keeping gates.'
>Varne whispers "Doctor concentrate on the ring."
NUMBER ONE (F): ...and you will be entranced by Wagner's
rich subtext in his treatment of Germanic mythology.
>Leader " The summons was sent and you answered."
DOUG: (Cyberleader, as judge) Unless you have reason that
your presence would cause you undue hardship, you will be
placed on the Municipal Court Jury.
>'Melmoth' " So did the Doctor."
>The Doctor draws his mind into himself,
DIANE: It had been roaming about, trying to get a look down
Varne's and Victoria's cleavage.
NUMBER ONE (F): Well, the Doctor always was broad-minded.
>the energy swirls round his skull, extending it down his arm he
NYSSA: ...Nirvana, achieving total knowledge of the Universe.
He will never lose at Trivial Pursuit again.
>< 'Melmoth' "Finally; Doctor I don't know
DIANE: Heh. If this was 'You Can't Do That On Television',
he'd be getting slimed right now...
OTHERS: [look at DIANE oddly]
>what he is talking about. There is no Gatekeeper.">
>< Doctor "Are you sure?">
DOUG: (Melmoth) No. Are you Arrid?
>Leader " The Doctor?"
>< Doctor " Can you take them?">
DIANE: (Melmoth) That's rather personal, isn't it?
>Leader " You passed the Gates. You must be the Gatekeeper."
>'Melmoth' " Yes. No."
NUMBER ONE (F): Melmoth... wasn't that--
DOUG: (to NUMBER ONE (F), interrupting) No, those were
NUMBER ONE (F): (to DOUG) Wow. How did you know what
I was going to ask?
DOUG: [shrugs] It's a knack.
>< 'Melmoth' "Yes Doctor but not without one of you getting
NYSSA: ...your groove back.
NUMBER ONE (F): ...your rocks off.
DOUG: ...jiggy with it.
>'Melmoth' "Yes I passed the Gates. No I am not the Gatekeeper."
>Leader "How do we pass the Gates?"
NUMBER ONE (F): (Melmoth) I suggest a high-fiber diet for
the next two or three days. They'll come out.
>'Melmoth' "Wait until dawn when they open."
>Leader "How is the destination controlled?"
>'Melmoth' "Use the console.
DIANE: (Melmoth) If that doesn't work, use the camisole.
NUMBER ONE (F): (dreamily) Mmmm... camisole...
>Look can I bring my hands down this is uncomfortable."
>Leader " Yes but keep your hands in view."
NYSSA: (Cyberleader) You have the most lovely nails I've ever
seen. Who does them for you?
>'Melmoth' brings his arms down. As he does a black rod slides
>down his sleeve.
DIANE: [starts to say something, then stops] Nah. It's no fun
when they're _that_ easy.
>Leader "Doctor come here."
NUMBER ONE (F): (Doctor) No, I think it's just mayonnaise.
[NYSSA and DOUG whap NUMBER ONE (F) on the head simul-
taneously, hard enough to knock her out of her seat]
NUMBER ONE (F): [climbing up off the floor] Owww... Maybe I
should've said tartar sauce?
[NYSSA hits NUMBER ONE (F) with her popcorn box]
>The Doctor moves over to the console. As he does Varne takes
>the chance to move between Victoria and the cyberman.
DIANE: (Varne, sultrily) Who wants a Varne sandwich?
>Cyberman "Leader the energy flows are changing."
>Doctor "Dawn is getting closer."
DOUG: (Doctor) And, it's going to take the grease out of your
>Leader "Are you the Gatekeeper Doctor?"
NYSSA: I call no more 'Ghostbusters' jokes.
DIANE: (announcer) That's right! It's the grand finale of the
Austin Powers series! Come see Mike Myers in 'Doctor Yes'!
>Leader " Have you passed the Gates?""No."
><'Melmoth' " I need a diversion Varne will get the others out
>she heard my guarantee.">
DOUG: (Melmoth) I'll answer every question you ask, or double
your money back.
>Leader " Explain this console Doctor."
>Pointing at a few of the numerous rods mounted in the console.
NUMBER ONE (F): (Doctor) Well, there's Serling, and that's
Steiger over there, and McKuen. Oh, and that one's Piper!
>Doctor " Well this section is the access controls, one for each
>door. The next sections are for destination selection. One
>section for each Gate. The final section is the power controls.
>Let me see this is the master reset switch."
NYSSA: (Doctor) Make sure you've saved your game before
you hit that one.
>The Doctor pushes the switch down and everything shuts down.
>In the darkness there is the sound of shearing metal.
NUMBER ONE (F): Having nothing better to do, Victoria had
taken it upon herself to fabricate some ductwork.
>Wild shooting from the cybermen fails to hit anything.
DOUG: Why is it that Universe-conquerors never seem to appre-
ciate the need for a thorough, NRA-certified marksmanship class?
>Jamie and Victoria are grabbed by something unidentifiable
ALL: It's Pat!
>and pulled outside the chamber and are joined by the Doctor
>and 'Melmoth'. As they run down the passage 'Melmoth' hits
NYSSA: (eagerly) ...Jamie with a tire iron?
>metal plates set into the wall.
NYSSA: (disappointed) Oh.
> Doors slam shut behind them.
>'Melmoth ' " Varne?"
>Varne " Sorry just the one, did you get any Sir.?
[NYSSA, DOUG, and NUMBER ONE (F) look at DIANE expec-
DIANE: (to OTHERS) What? [pause] Oh, I see! You think
that, just because some straight line pops up on the screen, that
I have to come up with some sort of cheap, small-minded inn-
uendo, is that it? You think that I'm nothing more than a dirty-
minded pervert who has to get a cheap laugh by turning every-
thing into a sex joke? Well, I've got news for you all. I'm a
woman of intellect and dignity. I'm bright, educated, and self-
confident, and I _won't_ be stereotyped! Do you understand?
I don't have to make lowbrow sexual allusions at every chance.
So, whatever mold you think you've cast for me, you can bloody
well forget it!
OTHERS: [hang their heads and look apologetic]
>'Melmoth' "No I had to cover our exit. Doctor did you tell them
DIANE: (Doctor) No, I exaggerated by a few inches.
NUMBER ONE (F): (to DIANE, surprised) But... you just said--
DIANE: I said I don't _have_ to make cheap sexual allusions. I
never said I was going to stop making them.
>Doctor "Yes I recognised the general console design."
DOUG: Huh? Is it snowing?
NYSSA: No, I think the author's just censoring himself. Al-
though, since he let the words 'ass hole' go by earlier, I don't see
why he's bothering.
NUMBER ONE (F): Maybe it's a religious thing. You know,
like how Jews write 'G-d' or 'Y-HW-H'.
DIANE: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) You think someone worships
NUMBER ONE (F): (to DIANE) These days, I wouldn't be at
>then we have to assume they will open the doors before dawn."
NYSSA: The Cybermen demonstrate their amazing technical
expertise by mastering advanced doorknob technology in only
half a day.
>Jamie "Why does that matter?"
>'Melmoth' "Well if they are still in there when the Gates open
>our problems will disappear.
NUMBER ONE (F): Including Jamie's attraction to shee--
OTHERS: [crack their knuckles and look menacing]
NUMBER ONE (F): --eeeeena Easton? I mean, he's really crazy
>For now we had best head for the stairs."
DOUG: That's all? It ends with them heading for the stairs?
NYSSA: (to DOUG) Swamprat said it was unfinished. Don't
get your shorts in a knot.
DIANE: C'mon, let's flee this den of nightmares.
[All four get up and leave the theater]
[Door sequence: 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...]
[SOL bridge interior]
[DOUG, DIANE, and NYSSA are on the bridge, getting ready to
start up the VCR.]
NYSSA: What are we waiting for?
DOUG: Number One. He's almost as big a Harlock fan as I am,
so I know he won't want to miss this.
NYSSA: So, what's keeping him?
DOUG: He said he wanted to check on something...
[NUMBER ONE (Female) enters from the right, looking agita-
ted and carrying a computer printout.]
NUMBER ONE (F): (muttering) ...don't believe it... I just don't
DOUG: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) Yo! Gender-bender! What's
NUMBER ONE (F): (to DOUG) My money. My bank account.
He took it.
DIANE: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) What, you mean Nega-One?
NUMBER ONE (F): [nods] I had $17,000 in there, saved up
and carefully hidden from my ex-wife's lawyers. A lifetime's sa-
vings, and he took it.
NYSSA: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) So, how bad is the damage?
NUMBER ONE (F): Twelve hundred.
NYSSA: That's not too bad.
NUMBER ONE (F): That's how much I have left.
DOUG: Well, what did he do with it?
NUMBER ONE (F): That's the part that really gets me! [holds
up printout] He gave it away! And, look who he gave it to! A
thousand to Hillary Clinton's campaign fund. Eight hundred to
the Society for the Banning of Meat. Four thousand to various
gun-control groups! Five hundred to the Socialist Workers'
Party! Two thousand to the Coalition Against the Confederate
Flag! That bastard gave all my money to causes that oppose
everything I believe in!
NYSSA: Well, he _is_ your opposite.
NUMBER ONE (F): Well, he _is_ gonna die!
[NEGA-ONE enters from the left.]
NEGA-ONE: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) Oh, good, you're back. I
want to talk to you about that nasty smoking habit of yours, as
well as your sexist behavior--
[NUMBER ONE (F) screams and rushes at NEGA-ONE, but
DOUG and DIANE grab her and hold her back.]
NYSSA: (to NEGA-ONE) Now isn't a good time. Why don't
you go back to the kitchen for a little while?
NEGA-ONE: [eyes NUMBER ONE (F) fearfully] Perhaps I
[NEGA-ONE exits rapidly to the left.]
NUMBER ONE (F): [struggling] Let me up! I'll tear his lungs
out and eat 'em raw!
DOUG: (to DIANE) Oof. Good thing One's a girl right now.
I don't think we could -- ugh -- hold his male form back.
NUMBER ONE (F): [struggling] Let me go!
DIANE: No! We can't let you kill him. Not over money.
[A light on the console begins to flash. NYSSA reaches over
and presses it.]
[Interior back room at This Time Round]
[ADRIC and TEGAN stand behind the console. TEGAN seems
a bit unsure, but ADRIC is confidently smirking.]
ADRIC: Evening, all! Are you-- Uh-oh. You seem to be having
another of your amusing crises.
[DOUG and DIANE are barely hanging onto NUMBER ONE
(F), who is struggling and writhing like a madwoman.]
NUMBER ONE (F): Let go of me, damn you! I'm gonna kill
DOUG: Di! Get her arm!
DIANE: Hold still, you!
NYSSA: (to screen) You could say that. Whatever you want,
make it fast.
ADRIC: Oh, just the usual post-fic analysis and taunting. So,
how was it?
[NUMBER ONE (F), DOUG, and DIANE have all fallen into a
struggling heap in the background, from which occasional curses
and grunts of pain can be heard.]
NYSSA: We survived it. No sweat. Whether we all survive this,
though, remains to be seen.
TEGAN: Nyssa, I--
NYSSA: (coldly) I'm not speaking to you, Ms. Jovanka.
[TEGAN looks sad, but ADRIC pats her reassuringly on the arm.]
ADRIC: (to TEGAN) All part of the healing process. She'll get
TEGAN: (to ADRIC) I know. It's for her own good.
ADRIC: (to screen) Well, that's really all I needed. I have some
announcements to make to the audience, but you lot can go about
[DOUG and DIANE have bodily hoisted NUMBER ONE (F) and
forced her to sit on the couch.]
NYSSA: Okay, whatever Adric.
DOUG: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) Now sit! And stop trying to
NYSSA: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) Right. You need to calm down.
So, let's all just sit and watch 'Captain Harlock' and take your
mind off it.
[NYSSA presses a button on the VCR. They watch the TV for a
moment, with expressions of increasing horror.]
DIANE: This isn't... What in the...
NEGA-ONE: (from off-screen) Oh, by the way, I found a nasty
movie full of all kinds of macho carnage and bloodshed in there!
That sort of thing is bad for the psyche, so I taped an episode of
'Oprah' over it!
NYSSA: (near tears) But... but... but... Captain Harlock. Swash-
buckling adventure in outer space. Fighting for liberty on the
Sea of Stars. The coolest man in all sci-fi.
DOUG: [grinding teeth] Why, that--
DIANE: (calmly) I've waited eleven years to see this anime. I
am rather upset, at this point.
NUMBER ONE (F): (to OTHERS) So, can I kill him now?
DOUG: No, you can't...
NYSSA: ...we're _all_ going to kill him.
[ALL exit, cracking knuckles and pounding fists, to the left.]
NEGA-ONE: (off-screen) Oh, hi you guys! What are-- No!
Help! Put me down!
[Sounds of extreme violence are heard from off-screen.]
ADRIC: Well, that gives them a hobby. [shrugs] Now, on to
[ADRIC pulls a pack of notes out of his pocket.]
ADRIC: Viewers and fans of 'Mystery Psycho Theater 3000',
your attention, please! As you all no doubt know, we here at
the management of this show are always interested in keeping
the ratings up. After all, while being cruel to that gang of man-
iacs is fun in and of itself, the show has a lot of earning potential.
Specifically for Yours Truly. So, since all of you out there are
the ones that this enterprise hinges upon, I thought it only fitting
that we make an effort to ensure that your needs and desires are
being met. Thus, we come to my idea, which is the Audience-
Feedback segment of the show. This is the chance for you, the
viewer to make your feelings and desires known. All you have to
do is fill out the following questionnaire and e-mail it to the add-
ress at the end, and your wishes will become reality, your
thoughts will be made flesh, and we'll hopefully produce a show
that meets and surpasses your expectations. It's important that
all of you out there participate, and make sure that we know
what you want. The questionnaire will be attached at the end of
the program, for your convenience. We thank you for your
continued support, and wish all of our viewers a safe and happy
New Year. (to TEGAN) You may now push the button, Tegan.
[With an admiring look at ADRIC, TEGAN presses a button on
the console. As the scene fades out, ADRIC can be seen saluting
>Where in the nine hells is a dress?
AUDIENCE FEEDBACK QUESTIONNAIRE
1. Who is your favorite member of the SOL crew?
C. Number One
2. Who is your favorite member of the TTR staff?
B. Francois the Ogron
C. Harry Sullivan
D. Tegan Jovanka
3. With regard to the raciness of the program, what would be
the optimum level of smutty innuendo?
A. None. Sex isn't funny. At all. Really.
B. Less than there is now.
C. There is the right amount.
D. More smut! More innuendo!
E. Hot, throbbing XXX action.
4. What source material would you be interested in seeing get
the MPT3K treatment?
A. 'Doctor Who' fan fiction only
B. Fan fiction from a variety of fantasy and sci-fi sources
C. Fan fiction and rants from various sources
D. Any material from the Internet
E. Fiction of any sort, fan- or professional
F. Anything. I'm not picky.
5. With regard to the way in which the show is formatted, ie:
prose for the introduction scenes; script for the rest, with tags
for action, stage direction, etc., is the show presented in an
A. Yes, no problem.
B. Sort of, too many directions.
C. Sort of, not enough directions.
D. No, difficult to follow.
Please e-mail responses to:
We thank you again for you support.
Adric of Alzarius, MPT3K General Manager